Fate

Chapter 4 - You Promised

"As far as I can tell, it's just fabric."

Sirius flinched as he watched Moody and Dumbledore poke around the shimmering veil that fluttered innocently in a wind that didn't exist. Remus stood to his side, obviously not wanting to get any nearer to the veil than Sirius did. They both seemed content to let the older, more experienced wizards do the investigating.

Moody cautiously poked his walking stick into the veil and pulled it quickly out again. Dumbledore glanced over it for a moment but couldn't seem to find anything amiss.

"It was a wall on the other side," Sirius finally told them, causing them all to turn and look at him. "The veil: it may be fabric on this side but it was definitely solid when I was on the other side."

No one seemed to quite know how to react to his statement. Remus shot Sirius a questioning look and finally spoke. "How in the world were you able to break that wall?"

Sirius merely shrugged, unconcerned and went back to glaring at the veil.

Dumbledore motioned to Moody again, and Moody stuck his walking stick into the veil again, this time trying to move the fabric with it. Everyone seemed to suck in a sharp breath as he was able to move the veil aside, revealing blackness, complete and total blackness on the other side.

"What the!?"

Sirius swore violently as he saw what everyone else did and it shocked Moody enough that he jerked his stick back again. He looked sharply over to Dumbledore who looked more concerned that Sirius had ever remembered.

"That was a foot. I swear I just saw a foot behind that veil."

No one seemed to disagree with Remus and they all seemed to be trying to figure out the possibilities of what this could mean.

Suddenly, Dumbledore whipped out his wand, pointing it bravely at the veil.

"Alastor, if you please."

Moody's doubtful face only flickered shortly to Dumbledore before he brandished his walking stick again, carefully scooping back the flowing fabric.

Sirius and Remus had just barely gotten a glimpse of the foot again when Dumbledore waved his wand, causing something to shoot quickly out of the veil, crumbling on the stone benches behind them.

Remus and Sirius got to it first, and, trembling, reached down to flip the body over.

Sirius almost fainted in terror at seeing his own dead face.

-----

"Sirius! Sirius, stop! Wake up, you're dreaming!"

Sirius jerked awake, his eyes flashing open suddenly and his body jerking forward. Remus and Harry were both there; catching him before he could topple to the ground and helped his shaking body sit back up on the couch.

He took a few deep breaths, trying to regain his surroundings again. Right, he was in the room of requirement at Hogwarts waiting for Remus to go get Harry so he could see him.

He shook of the initial shock of the nightmare, chiding himself for falling asleep. True, he hadn't gotten much sleep the past few weeks, but there was a reason for that.

Not that he would ever tell anyone what that reason was.

He looked towards Remus, seeing the concern in his eyes and the weariness in his face.

"I'm alright, I'm fine...just a nightmare..." he assured them, sitting up straighter and giving Harry a reassuring smile. Harry looked even more concerned than Remus, though.

"You have nightmares?" Harry's eyes narrowed. "Since when?"

Sirius grimaced, looking to Remus for help but receiving only an "I told you so" look in return.

"It's only been a few days," Sirius waved him off. "And it's actually partly what I wanted to talk to you about."

He motioned Harry to sit on one of the chairs and his Godson did so after a moment of hesitation.

"How are you?" It sounded lame, even to Sirius's ears.

Harry managed a smile at least, which was good. "Better than I was 3 months ago."

Both Remus and Sirius seemed to breathe easier at that statement.

"Why?" Harry added with a sarcastic smile. "You going to die on me again?"

Sirius couldn't help but wince at that statement, even though he knew that wasn't his godson's intent. Harry seemed to realize this and quickly mumbled "Sorry," and looked away, embarrassed.

There was an awkward silence for a moment when Remus, trying to sound encouraging, spoke up.

"Harry, we, that is, Dumbledore, Moody, Sirius and I, went to the Department of Mysteries two days ago."

Harry looked up sharply, his brilliant green eyes flashing. "What! Why?"

Sirius brought a hand up to calm him down. "Relax, Harry, it's not like people fell in this time."

Harry glared over at his Godfather and Remus thankfully stepped in. "It's just, there were some questions about Sirius' return that we were hoping to answer."

Harry's furious gaze turned to Remus now and both he and Sirius could tell that the young wizard knew they weren't telling him something

"And?" he asked sharply.

"And...and...um...well we uncovered quite a few more...questions," Remus finished lamely. His eyes flickered to Sirius and his gaze told quite sharply 'you are on your own now'.

Sirius laid a gentle hand on Harry's shoulder which seemed to calm him down a bit and he suddenly looked more frightened than angry. "What? What happened?"

"We found something behind the veil."

It was quite blunt, even for Sirius, but it at least seemed to answer some of Harry's questions, but certainly not all. Harry, however, remained silent, his eyes pleading with his Godfather to just tell him.

"It was me, Harry, I was behind the veil."

Harry raised a skeptical eyebrow at him.

"My body. I was...I am...dead."

The color drained from Harry's face and before either of them could speak, he was gone, the door of the room of requirement slamming behind him, leaving behind a very uncomfortable silence as the two men both sat in shock at his reaction. Neither dared to go after him, especially as he was now the owner of the marauder's map and invisibility cloak. If he ran away, it was best they let him stew for a while before trying once again to talk to him.

Remus understood first.

"He probably thinks that means you'll actually die...or that you really are dead and something's just really screwed up."

"Well, it's not like we've got anything to contradict that statement," Sirius growled, slamming his fist into the side table near him in frustration.

He felt alive...he wasn't having any doubts about it until the bloody body was found and now it seemed like he was afraid of himself keeling over or disappearing or worse, falling through the veil again.

"What about your plans, Sirius?" Remus' voice was low. "What do you think of your theories now?"

Sirius had almost forgotten...almost.

"To tell you the truth, I haven't thought much about it in the past few days..."

Remus nodded understandingly.

"But I still don't see why it can't happen."

It was the first time the two of them had really talked about it, just the two of them. There seemed to be a tense silence surrounding the two remaining marauders as they tried to comprehend Sirius' proposal.

It wasn't like neither of them had thought about it before, or dreamed about it for the past 15 very long years. Especially for Sirius, being trapped in Azkaban for so long and having to deal with the memories.

"Dumbledore is still rather keen on getting all the information you've gathered about it," Remus added softly.

"So tell me why I've got Dumbledore practically convinced but you, my...our best friend..." Sirius wasn't looking at Remus but could see the pain in his friend's eyes, "you act as if you don't want to believe."

Remus stood up, almost shaking with anger at his friend's accusation. "I don't want to believe the same way Harry doesn't want to believe that you're lying stone dead back at headquarters! It's reality, Sirius! It's here, it's now and people have tried for years to change it, screwing themselves up in the process!" Remus was not quite shouting, but Sirius knew that any normal person would have been.

"This," he stomped his foot on the ground and stood, matching Remus' tone, "is a bad dream, Moony! This is as close to Hell as any of us are going to get!"

"I know that, Sirius! I know that just as much as you do and I would give anything to change it!" He seemed to loose his composure for a moment and Sirius saw a few tears prick in his friend's eyes as his body shook, with rage or fright, Sirius couldn't tell. "I've spent too many! Too many years, wasting my time dreaming, Sirius!"

"It's not a dream!" the escaped convict growled back, "This, Moony," he spread his hands out, pointing around him, "This, this is a nightmare!"

"No!" Remus pointed an accusing finger at Sirius. "It's the world that your Godson and only child of our best friend has been forced to grow up in!"

"Exactly! What wouldn't you want to do your best to change that?"

"Because I refuse to give Harry false hope of any kind! I know he couldn't take any more and I sure as heck don't want to see him have to deal with any more!"

Sirius stopped short at those words and grew even angrier at his friend. "False hope? False hope, Remus? You know what false hope is? It's treating him like he's a bloody baby! Reassuring him that everything's going to be fine, that he's safe at this school! That you and I will always be here for him!" Sirius was the one to point the accusing finger now. "If you want to talk about reality, let's talk about reality! Harry's destined to fight the darkest wizard of our age on his own, killing him or getting killed in the process! On top of that, he does it with no living relatives, plagued with memories of his parent's deaths, having lost his Godfather twice now, with a Headmaster who finds it necessary to keep information from him and a summer with his bloody muggle relatives who'd probably starve him to death if they didn't get death threats from members of the Order!"

Sirius was fuming now but Remus still didn't seem convinced.

"He doesn't deserve this! No one does! I didn't deserve 12 years in Azkaban, you didn't deserve 12 years of isolation, James and Lily didn't deserve to die that night! It wasn't right and it wasn't fair!"

Remus finally managed to find his voice. "Fair? Who said life is fair? Sure it wasn't a cakewalk but that's how it happened!" His voice lowered and before Sirius could bite back, he continued. "He's just got you back, Sirius. As far as Harry knows, that's as good as it'll ever be and he's thrilled about it...just...just let him stay happy..."

"Happy..." Sirius huffed, flopping back into his chair with his arms crossed. "I know he's not happy, and you know he's not happy. Bullocks! We're bloody miserable!"

Remus collapsed in his chair again, both he and Sirius grateful the yelling was over but still a bit angry at each other.

"Remus?" Sirius said softly.

They both had their eyes closed, leaning back in their chairs in exhaustion with the last few weeks catching up to them.

"Humm?"

"If I could do it...if I could find a way...you would want them back...right?"

He heard Remus voice chock up with emotion and could tell his friend was crying slightly.

"Of course I would, Padfoot...of course I would..."

----

Harry ran blindly through the halls, trying to sort through the jumble of thoughts that pounded through his mind.

Away...away...got to get away...

He turned corners randomly, hoping that he'd end up somewhere isolated...maybe somewhere he didn't even recognize so that he could be lost and have an excuse to be alone longer...

He felt like curling up into a ball and dying, literally.

Though the thought had appeal, he didn't think he was in control enough to Avada himself.

He finally came to a darkened dead end that he thankfully didn't recognize. He was even more relieved when he found stairs right nearby and hurried up them, trying to get as far away from the world as possible.

It wasn't until he reached the top and found himself in a quaint circular room with many windows, bare of anything other than a desk, a bed and a rug on the floor, that he felt the tears run down his face.

He forced himself to think about it.

Dead...

The word could go so many ways in the wizarding world...especially with Sirius's return...

He didn't know what to think and his head started to hurt as he tried to block out the feeling of hopelessness that was growing.

Not caring much about where he was, Harry sat down on the bed, bringing his legs up to his chest and leaning against the headboard, grinding his eyes into his kneecaps.

He could see it all again: the spell flying from Bellatrix's wand and hitting Sirius in the chest, Sirius falling gracefully through the veil, his eyes wide with surprised. Only this time, after Sirius fell, Harry rushed up and tried to pull him back through, but all he got was Sirius' limp, dead body.

He tensed in fear and anguish as he imagined the dead face of his Godfather and suddenly felt as if he'd lost Sirius all over again.

He was right there, he kept reminding himself. He put his hand on my shoulder, asked how I was doing...He was there as Padfoot. I gave him a hug and he held me back...

He promised...

"I'm not leaving you again, Harry. I'll be here whenever you need me..."

Harry felt a burst of anger shoot out of him and he slammed his hand hard into the headboard.

"YOU PROMISED!!"

He heard the wood crack as his hand slammed into it, but barely noticed the pain it caused in his arm. His anger prompted the lighting in the room to flicker off and the mirror above the desk to shatter, but he didn't notice any of it.

He dug his eyes into his knees again and tried to calm his breathing.

Maybe it wasn't as bad as he thought it was...maybe there was a reasonable explanation...yes that was it. Remus and Sirius must have been trying to explain it to him but he had run off before they could...it was that simple.

He looked up to the empty wall.

No...no, it wasn't that simple...Harry remembered the look on both of their faces as they spoke, especially Sirius. He remembered the way Sirius trembled after coming out of his nightmare and how his eyes looked as haunted as they had right after he escaped from Azkaban. He remembered how hesitant Remus had been about telling them.

He also remembered how neither of them had so much as called out his name as he raced off. Mind you, he wouldn't have listened, but it still hit home that they had just let him go.

They still knew something else, something that they weren't telling Harry. He scoffed as he realized he probably would have heard it if he had stayed in the room longer, but he knew that wouldn't have been possible. The moment the words came out of Sirius' mouth, Harry felt like he had just watched him fall through the veil again. It was almost as if Sirius dissolved in front of his very eyes and the loneliness of summer crashed back down on him.

He hung his head and felt the sobs rack his body. His body shook so bad that he lay down on the bed, curling into a little ball that he wasn't sure he ever wanted to leave again.