The Reason is You

I'm not perfect person
There's many things I wished I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know.

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish I could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I use to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you.

I found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you.

-Hoobastank
"The Reason"

--*--

The candles floating above them were growing shorter and shorter as the hours passed, both of them hunched over their tables, scribbling agendas and planning the next ball. They had been at this for over 4 hours now. But neither was willing to show the strain, at least not yet.

She managed to stifle another yawn and peaked at her muggle watch out of the corner of her eyes.

12:04

Her heart dropped. She had to be up early tomorrow to start tutoring some first years in charms. Why anyone would want to wake up early on a Saturday morning was beyond her, but as head girl she didn't feel that she had the right to complain.

Her eyes drifted from her watch to the handsome young boy sitting across from her, his eyes narrowed and his bottom lip bit between his teeth. She saw that a strand of his jet black hair had fallen in front of his face, though it wasn't that much of a surprise. Though his hair was tamer than it had been in years past, she was convinced that it would never lie still.

If anyone had told her last year that she would willingly work next to him, he would have hexed them on the spot. Lately though, she had been allowing herself to think of him as funny...polite and...goodness forbid, handsome.

She looked back down at her parchment as she saw him wiggle slightly in his chair and reach up to wipe some sleep out of his eyes. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched as he stopped writing for a moment, his forehead furrowing as he tried to think of what to write next, and then starting to scribble something new down.

What had changed? She wondered, absentmindedly writing down some detention slips that she had to send in the morning. What had made his head deflate?

She knew she wasn't the only one who had noticed the change. Every girl who had goggled over him before was now twice as flabbergasted when he so much as grinned.

No more hexing in the corridors, no more pranks (well, of course there were pranks, what would Hogwarts be without them, but they had become more funny rather than harmful or humiliating) no more...bragging!

She stole another glance up at him and saw that he saw finishing up, blowing on the parchment lightly to dry it quicker.

She quickly finished her current page and started to wrap up the evening as well. There were more important things to think about than...James Potter.

--*--

James almost cried out in relief as he finished the last sentence on his monthly report. Who knew being Head Boy involved so much work?

Lily probably did, James thought ruefully, remembering when she had found out that he had become head boy. She turned so red that you couldn't tell her skin from her hair. James himself had even agreed that it was a ridiculous choice, but Dumbledore insisted that Head Boy and Head Girl are picked for a purpose.

Now here they were, two months into the year, and James thanked his lucky stars that Dumbledore had trusted him enough to give him this position.

Lily was warming up to him.

It's not like he was snogging her or anything, but he could tell that she had noticed his change.

It was only a matter of time now before she brought it up.

He just didn't expect it to be tonight...

He stood up, gathering his things and seeing Lily start to do the same. Neither spoke until James was hoisting his bag on his shoulders.

"James?"

Her turned to her questionably. She rarely called him James, mostly a slip of the tongue or when they were in front of teachers. She seemed rather embarrassed about something when he saw her still standing at the table, but he knew it had nothing to do with using his first name.

"Yeah?"

She hesitated, like she didn't know how to word what she wanted to say. She stumbled as she finally spoke.

"What happened? I mean-what I mean is...what...why are you like this?"

James smiled slightly. "Like what?"

Her lips curled and he could see that she was getting more and more embarrassed. He hastily covered it up.

"You mean, like, a good guy?" he added for her.

She blushed deeply and bit her bottom lip. "I don't mean it like that."

James nodded. "Well, it's true, isn't it? I could have worn a sign that said 'World Class Git'."

Lily giggle lightly. "Yes, you could have..."

James raised an eyebrow towards her. "Could have?"

"You've changed, James. Everyone has noticed."

"You noticed?"

He tried to not sound anxious, but it was no good. Luckily she didn't seem to notice, that or she didn't think anything of it.

"I...I just want to know what happened..."

James gulped as the silence once again took over the small classroom they were in. The candles around them burned lower and lower, their enchantment wearing off about an hour ago. He knew what he need to say, what she deserved to hear, but the fear of her reaction was too much. He decided to improvise.

"Let's just say, I found a reason to change."

He left it at that and started out the door.

--*--

Lily frowned in confusion as she watched him start to go. A reason? To change?

"Wait! James!" She hurried over to him and he stopped his hand on the doorknob to turn and look at her with more confusion.

He must think I'm crazy... she thought blindly as she struggled to think of something to say.

"What reason?"

She saw his eyes lock with hers for a fraction of a second and it was his turn to blush.

"Why so interested, Lily? Trying to catch me when I mess it up?" he smiled at that and she got nervous again at how attractive his smile was when it wasn't a smirk.

"Of course not," she said in a hurry. "I just...I'm just curious, I guess." She managed a smile at him.

"You really don't know?" he asked her, an inquisitive look crossing his face.

"No," she frowned. "Should I?"

He smiled again, smiled, not smirked and locked eye with her.

"You."

--*--

It was short and blunt and James mentally kicked himself for allowing his mouth to run away with his thoughts again. But there was no turning back. He kept his smile up as he saw her grin falter a bit.

"Me?" She sounded flabbergasted as she stepped back a bit. She shook her head in confusion. "I...I don't understand."

He had no idea what to say, so he just voiced the thoughts that he had replayed again and again in his own mind during the summer when he had first made his realization.

"All I could think about, was how you always looked at me with such anger and fear and disgust...I cried about it you know."

He was shocked he was admitting that much. So, apparently, was she.

"About me? But-"

"I came to the realization that I had someone on my hands who I...who I would do anything for...Those times when I teased you and every bloody time I asked you out...I figured it was just a crush, that it would fade in time and that I was just enjoying my popularity too much."

She was still looking at him with a mixed expression of apprehension and confusion.

"I got a gift over the summer, a journal that records your thoughts everyday with just a simple spell every night. Reading it over, I realized that you were on my thoughts more than anything else."

He let out a short laugh and bit his bottom lip as he remembered.

"One day I even had the thought 'I love her'. It was so strange to see those words, since I didn't remember thinking them, but I knew I must have. And then..." he felt a tear threaten to escape but wiped it away, "Then my parent's died..." he glanced up at her and saw that she too had a tear in the crook of one eye. "I was going to kill myself, Lily. I seriously wanted to die. All my life had been centered around these stupid things...these pointless gambles for popularity and friends...But Voldemort could take that away in any second...

"Like he took my parents."

He hoisted his bag onto his shoulder and turned away from her in the direction of the door so he wouldn't have to watch her anymore.

"Sirius managed to get to me in time, almost beat me up because he said I was trying to kill his best friend," James managed a smile. "I would have lived just for him, so that he would have someone in this world...but then...then he saw my journal."

James broke off but did not turn around.

"I'm not a perfect person. There are a lot of things I wish I didn't do...I never meant to do those things to you." He paused and breathed in a large breath. "I just want you to know, Lily. I found a reason...for me to change who I used to be..."

He turned the doorknob and looked back at her once more to see that she had a few tears running down her face and her bottom lip was trembling.

"The reason is you."

--*--

James quietly slipped out the door and Lily felt her knees give out as she sunk to the floor, her head swimming with the word she had just heard.

The reason is you...