Of Phoenixes

"Professor, I don't know who I am anymore."

Lupin sat back in shock, for a minute he looked at Harry and studied the emotions flying across his face: fear, confusion, uncertainty, even a little anger. Lupin shook his head, "Harry..."

Harry sighed, he wasn't surprised at Lupin's reaction, "I'm serious, Professor. I never knew anything true about my parents, my aunt and uncle rather enjoyed telling me lies about them, until I came to Hogwarts. Now I find out that everything I was told was a lie, again! A big part of me came from being the son of Lily and James Potter, and now..."

"Harry, listen to me," Lupin cut in, "You are a Gryffindor. You are a brave, loyal, caring, young man. You are a wizard. You are the youngest wizard I know to successfully cast a Patronus Charm. You have faced Voldemort, in one form or another, four times and lived. You have a godfather who loves you. You have two best friends who care deeply for you. You are still Lily's son. Do I need to go on?" Lupin recanted all of this with a slight smile as he watched the emotions change again on Harry's face. This time he saw amusement, a little pride, and a regaining confidence appear.

Harry shook his head, "No, Professor. I understand what you're saying." "Good. The only thing different is that instead of being James' son, you're Severus'. James still lives in you, you know, your Patronus is proof of that. He loved you very much, that was clear to everyone," explained Lupin.

Harry took this in. He knew he was different from the man he'd always considered his father, he was his own person, after all. Still though, he'd tried his best to be like the man everyone told him his father was, he looked up to the man. Now that was gone, all of it shattered by one letter. Harry shook his head again, "Professor, I've tried to be like my father, now I find out that he's not really my father. I know all that that you said, but this is different. I'm not really sure how to explain it..."

Lupin stood up and put his hand on Harry's shoulder, "I know you're feeling confused, Harry. Maybe you should try to get some sleep, this must be very tiring for you and it'll do you some good, anyway. Afterwards, why don't you go fly for a bit?"

Harry didn't really want to take a nap, but he did think that he'd like to go lie down. He allowed Professor Lupin to lead him back to his room, and after hissing the password to the portrait, he said good bye, and went to his bed. After lying down, he realized just how exhausted he was, and sleep claimed him quickly.

**********************************************

Lupin decided that it would be best if he went to speak with Dumbledore next. He gave the password to the gargoyle guarding Dumbledore's office and entered the office. "Albus, may I speak with you?" he asked.

Dumbledore looked up from his letter and smiled, his eyes still twinkling behind his glasses, "Of course, Remus. Come in, lemon drop?"

Lupin shook his head no and sat down. He sighed and began to speak, "I've just seen Harry. He's feeling very confused, he says he doesn't know who he is anymore. I... I don't know how to help him," Lupin said the last almost in a whisper. He was clearly upset about not being able to help Harry.

Dumbledore nodded, "I know, Remus. He'll come to terms with it all eventually, he's a strong boy. All we can do is do our best to help him. He trusts you, he'll come to you when he needs to. Until then..."

"I know, I just wish there was something else...," Lupin shook his head and changed the subject, "What about Severus? How's he taking all of this?"

Dumbledore almost laughed, "Well, you know Severus..."

"Indeed, that's why I asked," Lupin cut in.

"Ah, of course... well, he's taking it as only Severus is taking it. Which means that he's probably ignoring it... or at least trying to ignore it," was Dumbledore's explanation.

Lupin snorted, "Well, I'm not surprised. I don't think that I should go speak with him though..."

Dumbledore smiled, "You're quite right, Remus. I will speak to him this evening. Give him time to compose himself."

Lupin nodded to show that he understood, "Very well then, Albus. I'd best be going, Severus isn't the only one who has lessons to prepare."

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled, "Good afternoon, Remus."

"Afternoon, Albus." Lupin left the office still feeling a bit concerned, but Dumbledore had managed to ease his worries a bit. Harry was a strong boy, he could take nearly everything that was thrown at him. It was the 'nearly everything' that worried Lupin though.

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That evening, Dumbledore decided that it was time to see how Severus wasn't taking the news. He walked down to the dungeons and decided to first check Severus' office. He saw the younger man there, but as he was brewing a potion, Dumbledore decided to watch and wait before he interrupted. He knew that Severus could get very involved with his potions and probably wouldn't even notice that he was standing at the door.

Severus actually did notice the Headmaster, but since the Headmaster was obviously not going to disturb him for a while, he went on with his work. When he finally got to a stopping point, he said, without turning around, "You can come in now, Albus. I'm sure you want to see how I'm doing after this morning and you won't leave until you get your answer."

Dumbledore smiled to himself, he wasn't too surprised that the young man had noticed his presence. "Thank you, Severus. You are correct, I am here to see how you are."

Severus shook his head, Dumbledore was sometimes just a little too predictable, "As you can see, I'm quite well. Was that all?"

"Ah Severus, trying to get rid of me again, hmm?" was Dumbledore's only response. It was a game they would play.

This time Severus was in no mood and decided that he'd better just give the Headmaster what he wanted, as he wouldn't be leaving until he got it, "What do you want, Albus?"

Dumbledore was a little worried that Severus had given in so easily this

time, but he pressed on, "What do you intend to do, Severus?" he asked quietly.

Snape sighed, "Nothing. I will do nothing."

Dumbledore frowned, "Nothing? He's your son, Severus."

"I know that!" snapped Severus, "That doesn't mean I want him! That does not suddenly reveal a hidden talent for being a father that no one knew about until now! I am not certain that I even want to be father, and I am quite sure that I do not want to be a father to that particular boy!"

Dumbledore's frown grew deeper. "He needs a father, and I think you need a family," he neutrally commented.

Snape's eyes flashed with anger, "I need no one, Albus."

Dumbledore sighed, he knew he'd stepped across a line that he shouldn't have, "As you wish, Severus, but what do you intend to do once the potions wear off?"

"Lily is correct, James is needed to provide a necessary ingredient. I may not know what she created, but I do know how she would have gone about it. More potions are truly out of the question. There are charms we can use, Albus," Snape's decided, "No one need know a thing. As I said, I don't want the boy, anyway." Snape finished his explanation in a cold tone that told Dumbledore all he needed to know. There would be no arguing, not today at any rate.

"I'll speak with Harry, Severus. But do not think we are finished. It is not fair to the boy to be dependent upon spells to hide who he truly is, especially since he is now so confused about that very issue," Dumbledore said all of this with just a hint of disapproval in his voice and left.

Snape sighed, 'No, Headmaster, I know full well that you will be back one day to finish this conversation...' he thought to himself.

**********************************************

Dumbledore sighed to himself as he left Snape's quarters. He hesitated before continuing, then decided that yes, it was for the best if he spoke to Harry now. He walked to Gryffindor Tower and to Harry's room. When Harry came out, he said, "Harry, I must speak with you." Harry nodded and they went in to Harry's room.

Dumbledore looked around approvingly, "You've arranged it in nearly the same way Remus did when he had this room."

Harry's eyes widened in shock, "Professor Lupin was a prefect? He had this same room?"

Dumbledore smiled, "Yes, to both of your questions. Why are you so surprised?"

Harry grinned, "Well, somehow I never thought that one of the Marauders would be made a prefect."

"Ah, I see," said Dumbledore, "Well, Remus was the serious and studious Marauder. I think he helped rein them in, sometimes."

Harry's eyes sparkled at this bit of news, "I'll have to ask Professor Lupin about it, but that's not why you're here, sir, is it."

"No, Harry, I'm afraid not."

"You've spoken to Professor Snape, haven't you?" asked Harry.

Dumbledore sighed, "Yes, Harry. I've just come from his office."

Harry closed his eyes, "He doesn't want me, does he."

Again, Dumbledore noticed that Harry didn't ask, he stated. Harry had expected all of this. "I'm sorry, Harry."

Harry shook his head, "No, it's all right. I rather expected it. Maybe we should just go on as before. Before this, I always thought I hated him. Now, I'm not so sure. He raped my mum and because of that I'm here and he's my father," Harry shrugged, "I haven't decided yet how I feel about that. Mum asked me not to hate him, so I don't think I can, no matter what else goes on."

"Harry," Dumbledore waited until Harry's eyes met his, "they, he, had no choice. You know that."

"Yes, I do. It's helping me do as Mum asked."

Dumbledore nodded slowly, "I see. Well then, that's that," he turned to leave, "Good night, Harry."

"Good night, Professor."

*************************************************

The next morning, Harry had some breakfast and then decided to go out and fly a bit again. Lupin did know him well, flying cleared his head as nothing else. He felt much freer on a broom than in the castle, here, in the air, his problems seemed a world away. Harry flew until he felt that he could no longer sit on a broom for a very long time.

He went into the castle to return to his room, but as soon as he entered the castle, yesterday's events returned to him and he was quickly lost in his thoughts. He was so lost in his thoughts that he ran into Professor Snape and didn't realize it until Snape commented, "Wherever are you off to in such a hurry, Mr Potter?"

Harry started and replied, "Er, sorry, Professor. I didn't see you."

Snape scowled at him, "That much was obvious."

Harry gulped, "Sorry, sir."

"Very well, Mr Potter," was Snape's only reply as he started to stalk off again.

Harry stopped him, "Um, Professor? I was wondering..."

Snape stopped, but he didn't turn around, "What is is, Potter?"

Harry sighed, it was now or never, "I... wanted to know if I could talk to you sometime... about my mother."

Now Snape did turn around, he seemed to study Harry as if he were looking for something. Then he nodded and said, "Very well. Be in my office at one o'clock this afternoon."

Harry was surprised, he hadn't expected Snape to say yes. "Th-thank you, sir. I won't be late," he stuttered. Snape gave him a look and moved on.

Harry stopped, he didn't quite know what it was that had made him ask Snape for permission to speak with him. He'd been thinking about his mother and the friendship she'd had with his professor... his father. He wondered what his mother had seen that no one else had... Harry shrugged to himself and continued on to his room, perhaps he'd get a chance to see that afternoon.

Snape scowled to himself as he stalked away from Harry. He wondered what in the world had made him agree to the boy's request. It would not be a good afternoon, and he was quite sure that after the boy left, he would not be getting any work done. Snape shook his head, this was ridiculous, why did the boy even want to speak with him? With that thought in mind, Snape hurried to the dungeons, determined to get as much work done as possible before Harry came by.

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At a couple of minutes before one o'clock, Harry found himself standing in front of Snape's office. He was feeling very nervous and couldn't remember exactly what he wanted to speak with the potions master about. He took a breath and stopped as if preparing himself and then he knocked.

Snape was surprised to hear the knock at his door, was it one o'clock already? He also had to admit that he was surprised that Harry had even come. He sighed and said, "Enter."

Harry walked in looking very apprehensive, he stopped a few feet into the room. Snape scowled at him, "Well don't just stand there Potter, sit." Harry nodded and came and sat down in front of Snape's desk.

For a few moments the two simply stared at each other, finally Snape grew impatient, "Well, what do you want?"

For a few heartbeats, Harry was silent then he spoke, "I was wondering about my mother, sir. I was hoping you could tell me about her."

Snape stared for a moment and then shook his head, "Very well, I suppose it is the least I can do. She was very intelligent, she had many of the qualities of a Ravenclaw, and yet she was placed into Gryffindor. Her best subject was Potions, her worst was Transfiguration. She had a fiery temper and was fiercely loyal. Now, was there anything else?"

Harry took all that Snape said in and didn't answer for a few seconds, he supposed that that was all he would get out of Snape so he said, "No, sir. I suppose not." He stood up and started to walk towards the door, "Thank you, sir." He said the last bit without looking at Snape and very quietly. Then he suddenly stopped and turned around, "Professor?"

Snape sighed, what now? "Yes, Potter?"

Harry again looked as if he were gather his nerves, "Um.. I was thinking-"

Snape cut him off, "Well, that would be a first, wouldn't it?"

Harry sighed and ignored him, "I was wondering if maybe we could, umm, declare a truce or something? In private, anyway."

Snape glared at him, "Why ever would we do that?" Surprisingly, to both Snape and Harry, there was no malice in his voice.

Harry looked at him thoughtfully, "Well, I know you want to ignore the information in Mum's letter, but we are still father and son. No amount of ignoring will change that, not when the potions finally wear off..." Harry's voice trailed off and Snape simply stared at him. Harry decided not to wait for an answer, he turned and left without another word.

When he was sure he wouldn't be heard, Harry started running away from the dungeons. He couldn't believe he had just asked Snape for a truce! He still felt confused, but he knew that inside of him there was a part that was overjoyed that his father still lived--even if it was Snape. He'd lived for so long without a real family, and now one was hovering just barely out of his grasp. He still didn't particularly like the man, but for whatever reason, he just couldn't give up on his hope of having a real family.

Harry gave out both passwords to Gryffindor Tower and to his room and then collapsed onto his bed. For a long while he thought confused thoughts and then sleep came to him.

Back in his office, Snape stared at the quickly retreating figure of his son. A truce? The boy had just offered him a truce? Snape didn't know whether to be relieved or dismayed that the boy knew that he wanted to ignore Lily's letter. He sighed and went back to work, or rather, he tried to go back to work but he was soon lost in memories that Harry's visit had brought up.

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Dumbledore was coming out of Lupin's office when he heard Harry run by. He sighed as he realized where Harry was probably coming from--Snape's office. Why had Harry gone down there? He knew what Snape's reaction to all of this was. When he couldn't answer the question, he decided that he'd better go down and speak to Snape about it.

Dumbledore quickly walked down to Snape's office and walked in. For once he didn't bother to knock. "Severus?" he said, upon seeing the younger wizard staring at nothing.

Snape quickly pulled himself together when he heard Dumbledore call his name. "Yes, Albus?"

"What was young Mr Potter doing down here?"

Snape looked at the Headmaster, "He wanted to ask me about Lily. I decided to oblige. Before he left... he offered a truce, for when we are alone. Though how often he expects us to be alone is beyond me, he knows what I want to do about Lily's letter."

"Did you answer him?" asked Dumbledore in a mild tone.

Snape shook his head, "No, he didn't give me the chance. He left as soon as he finished asking."

"Will you give him that much?"

Snape sighed, and the Headmaster could see that Snape looked slightly troubled, but only slightly, "I don't know, Albus. I don't know."

Dumbledore sighed and nodded, he'd expected that. At least it was better than a flat out refusal, "Very well, Severus. Good day." With that, he left Snape to his thoughts.