Of Phoenixes

"He's my what?!" shouted Harry and Snape together. They had each jumped up from their seats and shouted the same thing at the same time. Remus Lupin looked up in shock and Albus Dumbledore simply chuckled at this joint exclamation. It was a rather humorous sight, after all, how many times does one see two people who mutually loathe each other jump up and shout the same thing, at the same time?

Harry and Snape looked at each other, a myriad of emotions played across Harry's face, but Snape's face showed no emotion, while his eyes spoke volumes. Harry spoke first, "Is it true?" he asked, avoiding Snape's eyes.

Snape sighed. "It's true," he quietly admitted. Harry just looked at him. He couldn't believe it.

Harry cocked his head, now his face showed nothing, but his eyes were an open book. To those who cared to read, anger, deep sorrow, and shock were all seen, but surprisingly, no hate. "You raped my mother." It was a statement, not a question. His voice held no traces of accusation or hatred, instead it was completely neutral.

Snape inclined his head in a slight nod, his facing showing great sorrow. Harry sighed and looked away, "For her sake, for what she wrote and asked of me, I won't say anything just yet. I need time to think about this, what it means," he stopped and turned, "Professor Lupin."

"Yes, Harry?" came Lupin's tentative response.

"Now I know why Sirius isn't here."

"Yes, Harry, you do," Lupin acknowledged.

"I'm going to go finish unpacking now," Harry said, quite calmly. He left, not waiting for a response.

Albus Dumbledore sighed, he wondered how Harry was doing. He hadn't expected this reaction from the boy, denial, even anger, but not this quiet... acceptance, or whatever it was, that he saw. "Are you all right, Severus?" he asked.

Snape took a long time in answering, "No... No, I don't think I am, Headmaster." For once he gave an honest answer to this question, his voice shaky, but formal, and Albus recognized that he would have no further discussion with the man for now.

Snape stood there, staring at nothing for several more long moments. Then he stopped and shook his head, "I have class schedules to prepare." He left.

Remus turned to Albus, "What do you think?"

Albus sighed, "I don't know, Remus, I do not know. We must leave them for now. Harry will need some lunch later, why don't you go to him then?"

Remus nodded, "Yes, I'll go then." Dumbledore left, leaving Lupin with his thoughts.

*********************************************

Harry walked slowly to Gryffindor Tower and into his room. He still felt numb. Harry almost laughed to himself, everything he'd known to be true was suddenly revealed to be a lie. A lie perpetuated by his own mother. He wasn't sure how he felt about that now, it certainly didn't help that no one really spoke about his mother. Snape had never shied away from insulting his father... no, not his father, James, but even Snape, his father, had never said a word about his mother. Now he thought he knew why, because they'd been friends, or maybe because of what he'd done to her. He shook his head as if he were trying to clear away the tangle of thoughts. It didn't work.

Harry stood up and started to pace around the room. He remembered the Dursleys and what it had been like to live with them, he had a father now, would he be living with him? Did he want to live with Snape? What about Sirius, what would he say to this?

There was no doubt in Harry's mind that if Sirius were here and he knew what had happened between Snape and his mum, Snape would not live to see the end of the day. No, Harry most certainly could not talk to Sirius about this. While he wasn't quite sure how he felt about Snape now, he did know that he did not want him dead, and he most certainly did not want Sirius in Azkaban again--this time for a murder he did commit.

Thinking of Sirius made Harry remember the rest of the Marauders. Lupin seemed okay with all of this, if a bit saddened. He wondered about James, his mother had said that he had been okay with all of it. He'd been grateful, of all things, to Snape. Harry didn't know what to do with that, but his thoughts quickly sent him in a new direction. All of his life he'd thought that Lily and James Potter were his parents, when he came to school and had learned a little more about James, he started to try and be like him. What about all of that? It was all a mess, such a mess. Harry suddenly realized that he didn't know who he was anymore...

He heard a knock at his door, and after staring at nothing for a few more moments, he opened up and saw Professor Lupin standing there.

When lunch time came, Lupin walked to Gryffindor Tower and sighed before he knocked for Harry. He hoped that Harry would be willing to talk a bit about this over lunch, but he didn't know. The boy had reacted so strangely and Lupin was concerned. He cared for Harry, even if he wasn't James' son as he'd always thought him to be. A few moments after he knocked, Harry stuck his head out into the corridor, "Hello, Professor."

Lupin smiled a bit, he wanted to reassure the boy, "Hullo, Harry. Up for some lunch?" Harry nodded and stepped out.

"Where to? Somehow I doubt that we're eating in the Great Hall..."

"Your Common Room, unless you'd rather eat somewhere else," Lupin replied.

Harry shook his head, "No, here's fine. I'm not really up to facing anyone else right now."

"I understand, Harry. You don't mind if I eat with you, do you?"

Harry seemed to consider this, "Well, yes and no. I want company and yet I don't want any. Do you understand?"

Lupin nodded his head, "Yes, Harry. I know exactly how you feel. We don't have to talk, we can just sit."

"Thanks, Professor."

"You're welcome." The two sat down in the Common Room and Lupin got a house elf to bring them some sandwiches and pumpkin juice. Harry smiled slightly as he wondered what Hermione would think of that. His smiled faded quickly though, as he wondered what Hermione and Ron would think of Snape being his father. Hermione would probably think nothing of it, but Ron was another matter... Harry grimaced and then realized that Snape probably wouldn't want anyone to know that he was Harry's father.

Lupin watched the conflicting emotions that played across Harry's face. He knew Harry must be hurting now, at the very least he would be feeling quite confused. The house elf returned with their lunch and they ate in silence for a few moments.

Harry broke the silence, "Professor, I don't know who I am anymore."

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Severus stalked to his dungeons. He was very surprised about the revelation he had just received. He knew, even understood, why Lily had never told him. That wasn't his problem, though. His problem came from the fact that he wasn't sure if he even wanted a son. He thought that even if he did have a son, he was quite sure that he didn't want Harry Potter, of all people, to be his son. No, best to pretend this had never happened. "Riddle," Severus spat the password to his quarters (he'd been feeling the irony of his password ever since he'd chosen it) at the statue guarding the entrance, then he stepped in and returned to the schedules he'd been working on earlier.

After a few moments he realized that he had just assigned the same thing to three different weeks and he was getting nowhere. Severus really did not like this, he was always in control over his emotions. He never got distracted. Lily's letter had obviously shaken him up more than he realized. He got up and started pacing around his room.

Severus' thoughts turned to Lily. They'd become friends during the last half of their sixth year. The two were always in the library together, she'd always been more studious than her Marauder friends. One reason there'd even been a chance of friendship between them. Their friendship had started after they had a row. He'd called her mudblood once too often and she snapped at him. She said that she'd always been sorry about the Shrieking Shack incident, but now she wondered why she'd even bothered. He'd been too shocked to even reply. She'd smirked when she saw that he'd been rendered speechless by her comment, then she'd turned away. The next day he helped her with some of her Ancient Runes homework, and she'd helped him with Arithmancy. That was that, and from then on they'd been pretty good friends, not that anyone knew, until he took the Mark. Then Lily had...

Severus frowned at that memory and willed it to go away, he did not want to relive that particular scene. Instead, it reminded him of another past role of his--that of a spy for Dumbledore and the Order. It was his penance for what he'd done as a Death Eater, not that it had done much good, he'd been unable to save Lily. His years as a Death Eater were why he carefully closed off all hopes of happiness for himself. Snape could never forgive himself for what he'd done while in Voldemort's service. And now he had a living, breathing example of what a mess he'd made of his life.

Severus scowled as he contemplated this. It had been bad enough while he'd thought of Harry as Potter's son, now he was his own and the result of his service. His earlier resolution to ignore the information forgotten, he contemplated the boy. He'd always considered Potter far too arrogant for his own good, too much like his father. Now that he knew who the boy's father really was, he still couldn't bring himself to like him. If anything, he thought he hated the boy all the more for what he represented.

It all came crashing back in on him, the memories of his years as a willing Death Eater. He'd been so stupid! How could he have fallen in with Voldemort? Snape shook his head bitterly, he knew exactly how and why he'd fallen in with Voldemort, and no matter what anyone might say about his family, he'd chosen that path willingly. Now he would just have to live with the consequences, there was no way his debt could be repaid, no matter what Dumbledore might think.

Suddenly, he came to a decision. It would most certainly be best if he tried to ignore what Lily had written to him and continue on as if everything were normal. Next week classes would start and he could go back to his normal routine. Until then, he had class schedules to make up.