I Won\'t

'Oy! Sister dearest!' Ron called after Hermione as she headed down the corridor to the library.

Hermione stopped and turned to face Ron. She put her hands on her hips and tapped her foot impatiently. 'What do you want Ickle Ronnie-kins?'

Ron frowned and glared at her. 'I just got a letter from Mum. She wants to know if you're coming home for Christmas.'

Hermione made a face. Home...where is home? After her parents' death, Hermione had found out that her new legal guardians were her aunt and uncle on her mother's side. However, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, or Mum and Dad as they insisted that Hermione call them, talked to her aunt and uncle and they agreed that Hermione should become part of the Weasley family, seeing as she was a witch and was of age.

'Can I get back to you on that?' Hermione asked, glancing at the door to the library, which was just down the corridor.

'I suppose,' Ron sighed. 'But do hurry, Mum's trying to decide how many people to make dinner for. We've already got Fleur, Bill, Charlie, Lupin, and Tonks along with the regulars. It would be nice to know how many people we'll be feeding.'

'I'll get back to you as soon as possible,' Hermione said with a sweet, innocent smile.

Ron headed off to the opposite direction, probably hoping to get as far from the library as possible. Hermione drearily headed into the library. It was nearly empty.

Most of her classmates would be outside playing in the snow. In a few days, everyone would be heading home to their families for the holidays. This was their last chance to play out in the snow. But Hermione was concerned about her N.E.W.T.s, and much to her surprise, Harry was partaking in studying with her. However, Hermione knew that Harry had no interest in studying. He was still worried about her.

Hermione had restrained from using her quill for almost four months. But they had not been easy and they had not been at all fun.

The first month, of course, was the most difficult. Harry had forced Hermione to go to Professor McGonagall about her problem. McGonagall had made the other professors aware of Hermione's condition and most had reacted without little interest. But Hermione was sure she had seen Professor Flitwick give her a look of pity after she only got Exceeds Expectations on a Charms paper. The only professor that didn't react at all was Snape, who seemed to find more pleasure in ignoring her completely. However, she did notice that he was a little wary about letting her borrow a knife to cut her shrivelfig.

Quiet evenings had been the worst for Hermione. She didn't want to go upstairs to her dormitory. She knew that being alone would give her more of an urge to use the quill or her razor. However, she hated how Harry seemed to loom over her.

Most nights, Hermione would fall asleep on the couch with Harry. Even though Hermione hated how much Harry worried about her, she knew it was for the best. He was always there for her when she needed him the most.

Hermione woke up in the middle of the night. She had finally made it through one night without using her quill, but now it was eating at the back of her brain. The thought of it made her want to use it more. She rubbed her wrist impatiently, trying to ease the stress she felt. The only problem with her plan was that Harry still had the quill. He had decided to keep it away from her.

Silent tears slipped from Hermione's eyes. Her wrist seared with pain. Her whole body began to shake. With all of her effort, Hermione got herself out of bed and headed for the Boys' Dormitory. She couldn't be alone this late. She knew that if she stayed in her room she would go back to her original way of hurting herself.

Hermione stood outside the Boy's Dormitory door. She didn't know whether to knock or not. It was late, much too late to be up. She decided it was best to just enter and hope that none of the Gryffindor boys were still up.

As she opened the door, a ray of light came from the opposite side of the room.

'Hermione?' Harry whispered, lifting his wand up.

'Yes,' she whispered in return, as quietly as she could manage.

'Nox,' Harry whispered and the light went out. Hermione heard the footsteps of him coming toward her.

'C'mon,' Harry said when he reached the door. He was holding a blanket and placing a hand on her back.

The two of them went down into the common room, which was well lit even after dark. They sat down on the couch and Harry spread the blanket out over them. Hermione cuddled up next to Harry. 'How did you know it was me?' she said quietly.

'I was watching you sleep,' Harry said, kissing her forehead, 'on the Marauder's Map.'

She smiled and let her eyes close as she rested her head against his chest. She drifted slowly back to sleep to the sound of Harry's breathing.

That was the first night Hermione spent without using her quill to vent her built-up anger.

Hermione sat down next to Harry at the table. 'Where have you been?' Harry asked curiously.

'I wasn't cutting myself,' Hermione said, pulling up each of her sleeves in turn. 'Mrs. Weasley wants to know if I want to come home for Christmas.'

'And?' Harry said.

'And I'm not sure whether I'm going to go or not,' Hermione said, opening her Charms book to chapter four.

'Why wouldn't you go?' Harry asked.

Hermione sighed. Wasn't it obvious to him that she didn't want to talk about it? 'I'm just not sure if I'm ready to talk about it with them.'

Harry took a deep breath and closed Hermione's Charms book. 'You can't avoid it forever, you know,' he told her. 'They need to know.'

'Harry, I can't even tell Ron, let alone his entire family!' Hermione said rather loudly.

'Shh!' Madam Pince hissed angrily.

'They're your family now too, Hermione,' Harry reminded her. 'They have the right to know.'

'I know,' Hermione whispered. 'It's just hard...'

'I'll go with you,' Harry offered. 'If you'd like.'

Hermione bit her lower lip. Harry always could tell what she wanted more than anything else. With her emotions running haywire because of lack of anger-venting, tears stung at her eyes. 'Thank you,' she breathed as a silent tear slid down her cheek.

*~*~*~*~*

They arrived at the Burrow just after sunset. Mrs. Weasley, of course, was thrilled to see everyone, showering them with hugs and kisses.

Hermione was happy to see her, but as Mrs. Weasley hugged her and kissed her on the forehead, a feeling of foreboding flooded the back of her mind.

After their warm welcome, Harry, Ron, and Ginny decided to go outside and play Quidditch. Harry had offered to stay with Hermione, but she declined. She hated the idea of Harry missing out on the fun on account of her.

Hermione sat out in the snow and watched them. It was very relaxing to watch them all fly around while snow fell all around her.

They finally decided to go inside when Ginny nearly ran into the side of the Burrow.

Fred and George, who had Apparated there while they were outside, welcomed them when Harry, Hermione, Ginny, and Ron came inside. Mrs. Weasley made them all hot chocolate.

Hermione slowly sipped at her hot chocolate, still thinking about how she was going to talk to the Weasleys.

'Are you okay?' Harry whispered just loud enough for her to hear.

Hermione nodded and smiled. She rested her head on Harry's shoulder and let out a sigh. How she missed days like these...

The Weasleys had a quiet dinner, all of them, including Charlie, Bill, Fleur, Fred, and George. They even made it through a dinner without talking about the war, school, or death. It was rather comforting for Hermione to think about a normal life.

After dinner, the twins went back to their flat, promising that they'd be there bright and early the next morning, Christmas morning.

Bill and Fleur went to bed in Fred and George's old room, and Charlie went to bed in Percy's old room.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny decided to stay up a bit later. Harry and Ron played Wizard's Chess on the floor in the sitting room while Hermione braided Ginny's hair.

Ron beat Harry in four games of chess before they realised that it was nearly eleven.

'I'm going to bed, what about you three?' Ron said, getting to his feet.

'Me too,' Ginny said, looking to Hermione and Harry.

'I think we might stay up a bit later,' Harry said to Ron. 'We'll be up in a bit.'

'Good night,' Ron and Ginny said, keeping an eye on Harry and Hermione as they headed upstairs.

Harry sat down next to Hermione on the couch. 'So, when are you going to tell them?'

'I don't know,' Hermione sighed.

'I suppose there's always tomorrow, right?' Harry offered.

'I suppose,' Hermione said, cuddling up next to him.

'You know we can't sleep down here,' Harry whispered. 'Not until you tell them.'

'Why not?' Hermione asked, already knowing the answer.

'Do you really want Ron thinking that we're shagging?' Harry joked.

'That's one thing I could do without,' Hermione agreed, straightening up.

'We should get to bed,' Harry told her, getting to his feet. 'It's going to be a long day tomorrow.'

Harry helped her to her feet and they walked upstairs together. They kissed good night and went to bed.

*~*~*~*~*

Hermione awoke with a start. Breathing heavily and sweating profusely, she sat up in bed and looked at her watch. It was nearly three in the morning. She had just awoken from the most terrible dream. She had started cutting again but it was worse than ever. She was using magic to cut herself over and over again.

Hermione had to look at her arm to make sure it hadn't been real. Now she couldn't help but remember her first night after the cutting stopped. She needed Harry now. But she couldn't see him. Then everyone would find out... Hermione began to quietly sob. Before long she was shaking to keep from screaming. As swiftly as ever, Hermione seized the sharpest thing closest to her.

Her skin on her wrist ripped apart as she dug an earring post into her skin. More tears fell from Hermione's eyes. Four Months of effort...

She dropped the earring and began to shake more than ever.

Quickly and quietly, Hermione sneaked out of the room and down the dark hall. The floor creaked beneath her, but Hermione kept going. She reached the door to Ron's room. Trembling with undeniable fear, she turned the doorknob. Light shed in through the window and Hermione could immediately spot Harry. He was fast asleep.

Hermione made her way over to Harry's bedside. She kneeled down next to him and gently shook his shoulder.

He woke easily and looked up at her. Upon seeing her tears, he whispered, 'What's wrong?'

But Hermione couldn't answer. She couldn't stop shaking or crying.

'What's wrong?' Harry repeated a bit louder this time.

But Hermione just started crying louder.

'Hermione, listen to me,' Harry said, sitting up. 'You need to calm down; tell me what's wrong.'

'I - I -' But Hermione couldn't come to say it. She merely held out her wrist to Harry.

Harry gasped and stared at the blood that was trickling down her arm. 'No, Hermione,' Harry said, louder than his normal tone. 'No! Not now! You've made so much progress!'

'What the bloody hell are you two doing?' Ron groaned and rolled over to face them.

'Nothing, Ron, go back to bed,' Harry said in a rush. He didn't want to wake anyone else up. He turned to Hermione again. 'It's okay. It's okay.'

Hermione could hear footsteps coming down the hall. She shut her eyes tight. She knew that it was finally time to face her family.

The door opened and the lights switched on. 'What are you three doing up at the time of -'

But Mrs. Weasley stopped mid-sentence. She spotted Hermione's arm. Ron seemed to have spotted it as well.

And to make matters worse, they weren't the only ones who were awake. The rest of the family, who had heard all of the noise, was getting up to join them.

Harry grasped Hermione's hand for comfort.

Hermione looked up at Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. 'I'm sorry,' was all that she could manage.

Mrs. Weasley approached her and dropped to her knees next to Hermione. She placed a hand on her shoulder and rubbed her back. 'No, dear,' she whispered gently. 'There's nothing to be sorry about.'

Before Hermione knew what had happened, Mrs. Weasley was sitting with her on Harry's bed, mending her wounds, including the scars. Harry watched and learned how to do it.

Surprisingly, Mrs. Weasley never asked Hermione why she did this. It comforted Hermione to know that she didn't need to justify herself.

'I might as well go fix breakfast,' Mrs. Weasley said as she finished. 'Fred and George will be here in an hour or two.'

Mrs. Weasley left, leaving Ron, Harry, Hermione, and now Ginny in the room together.

Hermione didn't speak a word. She wasn't sure what to say. Harry pulled her into his lap and kissed her forehead. 'You did it,' he whispered.

Hermione nodded.

'Ron,' Ginny said, getting to her feet. 'Let's go help Mum with breakfast.'

'But I don't want to,' Ron argued. 'I want to know more about why -'

But Ginny wouldn't hear of it. She seemed to realise that Hermione didn't want to talk about anything that had just happened. 'C'mon, you prat.'

Ron sighed and left with Ginny, closing the door behind him.

'Four months,' Harry said gravely.

'I know,' Hermione said, holding back tears.

'I'll be there for you from now on,' Harry told her, holding her tight. 'I won't let you do this again.'

Hermione couldn't help but smile. Just what she needed, one more "I won't."