And Now For Something Completely Different. . .

Aberforth couldn't concentrate. He picked up the quill, he put it down. He picked it up again. But it was no use. He couldn't get a single letter down on paper.

"Would you stop snuffling at my elbow?" he finally burst out in frustration. "I'm trying to write a letter to Albus and I can't concentrate."

"Beh," said Goat. This meant: You can't write your brother a letter, you don't even know the alphabet!

"Well that would be the first step, wouldn't it?" Goat was the only person he'd told this secret to, but that didn't mean he wanted her to bring it up.

Goat rolled her eyes at him. Then she put her front feet up on the table and ate the quill out of Aberforth's hand.

"Hey! That was my only quill! I can't even go get another one. Ever since I've gotten involved with you I haven't been able to show my face in public!"

"Beh!" Goat pouted. Does that mean you're ashamed of me?

"Of course not, it means I'm afraid of getting stoned."

"Beh." I told you we should have gone to live with my herd. Humans are so awful.

"What's that supposed to mean? I'm a human, how could I live in a herd of goats?"

"Beh." Oh, that is so selfish. I'm forced to live surrounded by humans. You think that's no problem for me?

"But goats live around humans all the time!" cried Aberforth in exasperation.

"Beh!" As slaves! My people are forced to live in little pens so we can pull your carts and have our hair shaved so you can make blankets! How can you be so insensitive? I see that I don't know you as well as I thought I did!

And with that Goat clopped out of the room. Aberforth could hear picture frames breaking in the next room. Then the front door slammed.

"Goat!" cried Aberforth. But it was too late, she was gone.

"What am I going to do?" he moaned.

*********

In the end he decided to seek advice from his brother. Aberforth pulled his old broomstick out of the closet and started the flight out to Hogwarts.

*********

Ten minutes later he was in Albus Dumbledore's office. For some reason his brother had always insisted that he live nearby him. "Probably because he thinks he needs to keep an eye on me," Aberforth muttered.

"What can I do for you, brother?" Albus asked.

"Well, I'm having relationship trouble, and you were always so good with girls back at school, so I was wondering if you could give me advice."

"Girlfriend trouble, Aberforth?" Albus raised his eyes.

"Um, yes," said Aberforth shiftily.

"Aberforth, I do read the papers."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Have you read the Daily Prophet recently?" Albus asked suspiciously.

"Haven't had the time," Aberforth lied. Curse him, his brother couldn't possibly know about his reading problems, could he?

"It's not a girl," Albus sighed. "I can only hope it's female. Aberforth, what exactly are you doing with that goat?"

Oh drat, thought Aberforth, he knows that, too. "We're in a loving relationship."

"It's a goat, Aberforth."

"You're my brother, aren't you supposed to support me?"

"There are limits. I think you need to get rid of the animal."

"Oh, Goat," moaned Aberforth, "you were right, humans are cruel. I would do anything to be with you now!"

Albus put his hand on his brother's shoulder and steered him out of the room.

*********

The sun shone brightly over a vibrant green pasture. Aberforth could smell the spring flowers and hear the crickets singing. He walked down the path and caught sight of his love under the shade of an oak tree. His heart leaped, and he went to her.

"Beh," said Goat. Aberforth petted her warm, grey back. She licked his hand. He scratched he soft ears and she snuffled at his elbow. His bliss was complete, and then she twitched her tail enticingly. His breath caught, and the blood began to pound in his veins--

When suddenly he heard a sound. Thunk. Thunk. Thunk. He smelled a foul stench, and a shadow fell over the form of his beloved. He turned around and was face to face with an enormous male.

"Get out of here, Billy," Aberforth snarled. "We're busy."

"BEH," said the billy goat. He snorted at Goat. Aberforth turned to make sure she was all right, but Goat had already stood up.

"It's all right, Goat, I'll defend you," Aberforth comforted her. But Goat didn't seem to hear. She walked over to the he-goat and wagged her tail at him. The billy gave Aberforth a look of utter contempt, and the two goats trotted off together.

"Goat!" moaned Aberforth.

*********

Aberforth woke up drenched in sweat. This was too much. He would go mad without her. He pulled on a robe and shoved some Brussels sprouts into his pockets. They were Goat's favorites. Then he set off on his quest.

He wandered throughout the countryside all morning, calling his love's name. He did the same in the afternoon, but by evening he was so hungry he had to eat the Brussels sprouts, and he had nearly given up hope. When the light gave out he sat down under a tree and cried himself to sleep.

*********

He awoke when something cold brushed his cheek. Oh no, he thought, it's wild, ravening boar and it's about to eat me. He squeezed his eyes shut more tightly and hoped his end would be swift. Then he remembered that wild, ravening boars were nearly extinct in this part of the country because so many wizards poached them and used their powdered tusks for weed killer. Slowly he opened his eyes.

And it was Goat. He had never seen a more beautiful sight in his life. She licked his nose and he broke into tears.

"Oh Goat," he sobbed. "I'm so sorry. You are the most important thing in my life. I should have been more considerate of your feelings."

"Beh," sighed Goat. I shouldn't have been so judgmental. I went to my old herd, and they shunned me for loving you. Now I understand your pain. We are outcasts from both worlds for the sake of our love.

"But Goat, I forced you into mine for so long. Now I know that humans are cruel."

"Beh." Not all humans. She nipped his ear, and he scratched hers.

"Let's leave both cruel worlds behind," he suggested. "We don't need anyone but each other."

"Beh," said Goat.

And so Aberforth and Goat strode and trotted respectively off into the wilderness and towards their new life together.