End And Beginning

End and Beginning

He took everything away from me. My friends, my parents, my godfather, my life.

Ron, Hermione, Dean... Almost the whole sixth year from Gryffindor is dead. I lost all my friends. Even with Ginny I can hardly talk. Since Ron's death she drew back in herself more and more. She doesn’t let anyone come near her.

She is a loner - like me.

I sneak often through the halls of Hogwarts. I can't sleep. Again and again I have nightmares. Hermione would have advised me to go to Madam Pomfrey. But without Hermione’s encouragement I can't bring myself to do it.

Like many nights before my steps lead me to the West tower.

The stars shine above me and the moon is a thin crescent on the almost black sky. They don't notice what's happening down here. The time is passing them by. For them a decade is something that is for us humans a second. Stars and moon are not interested in the fact that down here a boy is sitting and fighting with the tears.

It was my fault that my friends, my parents, my godfather died. Mine alone!

If I wasn't born they all would live. Even the Slytherins say this.

And he... He, whose hair is bright as the moon tonight. His eyes remind me of the mist which is laying on the Quidditch Pitch in autumn. And his behavior reminds me of ice.

I build up a wall around me as strong as his. I'm making myself cold, numb, standoffish. But nobody, really nobody, knows what it’s like inside me. That the self-doubts eat me, the guilt destroys me, and the self-hate tears me up.

A pulling is spreading in my stomach. Perhaps I should have eaten something... But I rarely eat.

I became thin, pale. Below my eyes I've got dark shadows. Even Malfoy notices how bad I'm feeling. But he's only making jokes about it. That ickle Potty misses his friends so much.

I'm swallowing down the hot tears that come to my eyes.

He's right, if only partly.

Yes, I'm missing Hermione, Ron, Dean, Parvati, Lavender, Sirius and my parents. But I'm missing him too, Draco Malfoy.

In some lonely nights, like today, I'm wishing that he's by my side. Oh, I know that it will never be, but only the thought that he pulls me comforting in his arms, strokes my back reassuringly is warming me a bit from the inside. And through this thought a little smile sneaks upon my lips.

Well, he would be the last to miss me if I would die in the fight against Voldemort.

Slowly I'm raising and going downstairs back into the castle. I have to move myself and maybe other thoughts will come to my mind.

Calmly I'm sneaking through the castle, into the entrance hall, through the gate and outdoors.

I'm going to the lake on which the silver moon is reflecting and I'm sitting down at the shore.

Why am I still living? Malfoy isn't in love with me; my friends are dead, my parents and the person who was closest to a father, too.

I'm pulling the dagger, which I'm carrying by myself since the last attack from Voldemort, out of its holder at my belt loop and I'm looking at it.

The blade is sparkling silver in the moonlight and seems not as cold as in daylight. The sapphire on the handle is shimmering mysteriously.

Molly once said that my eyes were the color of sapphires. I'm smiling at the thought of this woman. Even now, after the death of her own son, she still treats me like a son of hers. At the same time it's my fault that Ron, my best friend, is dead.

Gentle, I'm putting the blade to my wrist and pulling it with light pressure upwards to my elbow. Suddenly blood is pouring. Red. Warm. I repeat it at my other arm and watch as blood is running out of my veins and dropping down to the earth.

The pain which I had expected does not come. I don't know why...

I'm feeling how I'm getting weaker every minute. After some time, which is like a half eternity for me, I'm laying down. I'm too weak to sit.

Suddenly I'm hearing steps. They're coming right in my direction.

I'm opening my eyes and see Draco Malfoy who is kneeling down beside me. I'm closing my eyes again and I'm waiting for him to swear at me, laugh at me, and give me hell. Like every other time we see each other.

But instead of that I'm feeling that he raises my head and lays it on his knees. Again I open my eyes and I'm looking at him.

In his gray eyes I see tears sparkling.

"What the hell are you doing, Harry?" Was it really Malfoy who called me Harry? Not Potter? Or Scarface?

"I'm doing what I already should have done," I'm whispering to him.

"And that you're leaving me alone with this doesn't matter to you, does it?" I'm looking surprised at him and recognize even more surprised that tears run down his cheeks. "Are you always so egotistic and don't take care of the people who love you? Those people to whom you're important? Are you always that stubborn? No matter what it costs and who you're letting down?"

Now I know. In his way he tried to tell me that he loves me. He tried all the time.

"Well, have you got it finally? Do you understand what I'm feeling for you?" I'm closing my eyes with shame. "No, Harry, please, don't leave me..." Malfoy, the Draco Malfoy who is normally so controlled, is crying. I'm hearing it in his voice.

"Draco, I love you. I have loved you for ever and I will love you for ever." All around me it's getting darker. "I love you too, Harry."

I'm feeling how I'm getting raised. I know that it's Draco. He will rescue me. Above all he is by me. And he will give my life a new sense.