Sometimes

SOMETIMES, REMUS LUPIN hated his life.

Each time he had a friendship or relationship ruined by the truth about his condition, each time he opened the newspaper to hear about some new restriction placed on his kind by the Ministry of Magic, each time he felt the agony of being touched by the full moon, Remus Lupin hated his life.

Usually, the best he could hope for was an uneasy truce between his lycanthropy and himself; when nothing was going wrong, he could usually manage to accept the unfortunate fact, and he spent much of his time calmly resigned to his fate.

Today was no exception. He was sitting in the kitchen of 12 Grimmauld Place, eating his oatmeal with a deceptively calm expression on his face. All around him, the kitchen was in a more-than-usually chaotic state. The children were going back to Hogwarts at nine, and the whole place was in an uproar trying to get them out the door in one piece. The students were all trying to get their trunks out the door at once, while the portrait of Mrs. Black, more subdued than she had been last year, muttered things at them under her breath. Mrs. Weasley was trying to get some breakfast on the table, distracted all the while by Fred and George, who were trying to steal one of her sausages for what they called "product testing." The Ministry officials staying there were all eating quickly and talking loudly as they prepared to go off to work, and several owls were hooting loudly from various points around the house.

In all the confusion, everyone failed to notice the entrance of Nymphadora Tonks, which was usually hard to miss. Amazingly, in the midst of all the chaos, she managed to make her way to the kitchen and sit at the table without tripping, breaking things or causing anyone to notice her.

Remus, however, did notice her. He always noticed her. She was wearing her hair shoulder-length and dark brown, the color it actually was. Ever since Sirius' death-the thought still made Remus' chest clench in pain-and the conclusive proof that the Order was not invincible, she had quieted down quite a bit in appearance. She rarely wore her hair in extreme styles, and actually tended to wear it its real way often.

On the inside, though, she was much the same as ever. She was still loud and impulsive, still somewhat clumsy, and still one of the few people who seemed generally not to care that he was a werewolf. Ironically, her tolerance for his lycanthropy was one of the things he admired most about her, and his lycanthropy itself was the reason he had never allowed himself to show her what he felt about her.

Not that he felt anything for her. Oh, no. He was entirely in control of his emotions, and he knew perfectly well that it was impossible for anything to happen between him and any woman, let alone one who worked for the werewolf-hating Ministry, and who needed to be focused on the war effort, and who was under intense scrutiny because of her Metamorphmagus powers and dark family, and who was nearly twelve years younger than him, and who probably wasn't interested in him anyways, because why would someone so young, funny and pretty want anything to do with an old, boring werewolf?

But even if he could never have her, Remus found himself musing, he was delighted that she was in the Order, because it gave him an excuse to be near her, to rush to her side when she injured herself by running into something, to hear her laugh. He didn't mind her clumsiness at all. He thought it was just one more thing that made her so charming, in her own, unique way. Despite all her faults, he found himself longing to hear her voice say his name-

"Remus?" Startled, Remus looked up to find Tonks standing in front of him. The rest of the kitchen was empty, and he wondered how long he'd been lost in his thoughts. "Come on," she said. "Dumbledore's here."

"What?"

"Dumbledore? You know, tall man, long beard? Remember, Bill said he was coming to see us?"

No, Remus did not remember- the message had obviously come when he was in his reverie. "Oh, yes, of course," he lied. "Dumbledore."

"Well?" Tonks said, then shook her head. Leaning forward, she grasped Remus' upper arm with both her hands and pulled him up out of his chair easily. Remus nearly blushed but managed to control his face. "Thanks," he said nervously.

Tonks, however, did not release his arm. "You're too light," she told him, frowning. She ran one of her hands down his arm, then back up, across his shoulder and down his chest to rest on his stomach. Remus, for his part, was frozen in place, scarcely daring to breathe, his heart pounding wildly and his face flushing deeply.

When Tonks looked back up at him, though, she didn't seem to notice. "Remus, you're practically skin and bones," she said. "Don't you ever eat when you're not at headquarters?" Remus could only shrug. She was absolutely right- he never ate very well at home, because he hated going out in public to go grocery shopping and so only went every few months.

She then reached up to brush her fingertips against his cheek. "And you look exhausted!" she said. When he shrugged again, this time somewhat guiltily, she sighed, looking serious. "Remus, you need to take better care of yourself. You're running yourself ragged. What good all your work for the Order going to do if you make yourself sick?"

Remus looked down into her eyes and saw, in their blue depths- her real eye color- a deep concern, directed solely toward him. He found himself rather flattered that she would care so much about his health, even if it was, as it might be, only for the good of the Order. He found himself wanting to console her- or kiss her, whichever came first- but at that moment, the sound of someone clearing his throat distracted Tonks' attention.

"Am I interrupting anything?" Albus Dumbledore asked, his eyes sparkling merrily. Remus immediately flushed, but Tonks dropped his arm and walked up to Dumbledore, apparently entirely unaffected. "I was just telling Remus that he need to take better care of himself. He's going to make himself sick."

"Indeed," Dumbledore replied, in his usual smiling way. "He's especially going to need his health now, as I'm sending him on what could be a rather long mission." Remus' eyes widened in surprise, and he took a step toward Dumbledore.

Then he stopped. At Dumbledore's words, Tonks had swung around to look at the quiet werewolf, a strange expression on her face. She looked concerned, but there was something else in her eyes. Had he been anyone else, Remus could almost believe that was a look of- no, that was impossible. It was useless to dwell on it. Their eyes locked, and to Remus' surprise, Tonks flushed.

Then she turned quickly back to Dumbledore, leaving Remus to wonder if he'd really seen what he thought he saw. He pushed the thought aside, though, because Tonks was speaking. "Alone?" she asked. "Oh, no," Dumbledore said. "We need Auror support, so I would like you to go with him." "Oh," Tonks said in a small voice, stealing a glance at Remus.

Then she looked back up at her old headmaster. "All right, then," she said in a louder voice, squaring her shoulders. "What's the plan?" She and Dumbledore began walking down to the kitchen table to plan, and Remus sat back down, smiling a little.

He wasn't sure he'd wanted to go on a mission, but he probably wouldn't mind this one. Not because of Tonks, of course. It would, he told himself, be good for the Order.

And Tonks would be an interesting companion. He stole a glance at her, sitting next to the headmaster and poring over a map. He didn't know if she felt anything for him besides friendship, but maybe a mission with just the two of them could convince her that she ought to give him a chance. All told, things were looking up.

Sometimes, Remus Lupin loved his life.