Growing Up

Telling you about this is going to be difficult. Really, really difficult. Because, apart from anything else, it’s going to be very embarrassing for me – talking about all this stuff. But if I’m going to tell it properly, then I’ve got to tell all of it. Well, most of it, anyway. There are some things I’m not going to tell – and don’t try asking.

Everyone in Gryffindor knows Colin Creevey, don’t they? Little Colin Creevey, always rushing around, always there with his camera at the ready. Snap! Snap! Bright little Colin, always happy and smiling. Always chirpy, always cheerful. Well, maybe he was once. But things have changed. I don’t see ‘bright and cheerful’ in the mirror each morning. Not these days. Not any more.

Why do we have to grow up? Because I was happy as I was. And now … now, well, things are different. All right, lots of boys go through problems as they grow up. They get spotty, and at least I haven’t done that. Not yet, anyway. Their voice goes all funny, and I know mine has. Other things too. You know what I mean.

You see, when I first started at Hogwarts, everything was so wonderful. All those new things I’d never even dreamt of! And to make the people in my pictures move like that! I’d always been keen on photography, but this was something else. It was - well, it was indescribable. And to be sorted into Gryffindor like that. Me and Hermione have one thing in common, I suppose – we’re the only people to have read Hogwarts – A History from beginning to end. I’d read it from cover to cover even before I arrived, and I really really wanted to be in Gryffindor, and then the Sorting Hat put me there! And everyone in the House was so kind to me. Mind you, some of the people in other houses weren’t. Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws were okay, but I knew some of the Slytherins would be nasty, with me being from a Muggle family. Not all of them were like that, but enough to make things unpleasant at times.

I’d read all sorts of other stuff too, which is why I knew all about Harry Potter before I even started at Hogwarts. He was a year older than me, and famous already. I think I wanted to be someone like Harry Potter, having adventures and everything. Mind you, being Petrified like that changed my mind about that, even though I didn’t remember anything about it. One moment I was creeping along the corridors, the next minute I was waking up in the hospital wing. And a month had gone by! And when they told me what had happened, it was scary. But Harry had saved us again, as well as rescuing Ginny Weasley like that. Ginny was in my year, of course, and I knew her quite well. I kicked myself afterwards, because I knew something was wrong with her, but then, I’m not very good at dealing with girls.

People were even kinder to me after that. I mean, it wasn’t always easy, being from a Muggle family, and not knowing how things worked in wizard families. Just as well I was put into Gryffindor. They didn’t mind about things like that. Not very much.

Another problem was that I was always small for my age. Slow to grow up too. Much slower than everyone else in my year. There were some Slytherins in our class, and when I put my hand up to answer questions, I’d hear them putting on fake high pitched voices, saying things like, “Oooh, it’s Creepey again.” Because that’s what they used to call me. “Listen to little Creepey,” they’d gone on, in those high pitched voices. Because everyone else’s voices had broken and mine hadn’t. And I’d try to ignore it. Try. Not always succeed.

And sometimes, in the dormitories, I’d look at some of the other boys when they changing. Just little sideways glances, trying not to be seen looking. Because I knew they were different. They had grown up. And I wanted to see what it was like. And I wanted to know when it would happen to me.

Later, I realised that I was looking at them for another reason too.

It took a long time before things started happening to me. It was over one summer holidays. I hadn’t realised my voice was changing until Dad said something about it one day. And there were other changes too. You know what I’m talking about. All right, not as impressive as some of the boys I’d seen in the dormitory, but it was a start. Give it time, I would say to myself, and you’ll be like that too. I didn’t know why I wanted to be like that, except that the others were, and I didn’t want to be different.

Didn’t want to be different. That’s a laugh.

In the holidays, I’d take all my pictures and sort them out into albums. There was a whole album just with pictures of Harry Potter. Funnily, the best ones were where he didn’t realise he was being photographed. He’s shy, I suppose, as well as brave and all the rest of it. But when he knew he was in the picture, he’d looked all embarrassed, and try and sidle out, or hide behind someone else. Some of the best pictures of him that I had were taken when he was playing Quidditch, in his robes, and flying around. He was only a speck in a lot of those, of course, zooming away into the sky, but I had got one or two really good ones, when he’d been close, and there was a really fierce look on his face on some of them. And in the flying ones sometimes he would come quite close into the frame, and they were good too.

Of course, he had his own friends in his own year, and what with everything else, hadn’t much time to talk to people in my year. But he’d smile when he saw me, and say: “Hi, Colin,” before walking past. He never really had time to stop and chat. But at mealtimes I’d end up sitting near him and his friends, and be able to listen to them talking. And it was great.

But, as I said, I started growing up. Things happening to me. And you become aware of other things too. Being in a dormitory with other boys – it started to become difficult. And I didn’t understand it then. Not just then. But it got worse. And it was the dreams that were the worst.

Yes, those sorts of dreams. And one night I woke up, all hot and sweating. Feeling – well, feeling horrid, and yet … I don’t know. Something else too. Because Harry had been in my dream. I said I wasn’t going to tell you everything. Well, this is one of those things. I’m not going to tell you what happened in the dream. But I think you can guess.

And when I woke up again in the morning, the memory and feeling of that dream was still hanging over me. It was funny – it was if I was in some sort of daze. Because I couldn’t forget what had been happening in that dream, even if I tried. I sat at breakfast spooning porridge into my mouth, and everyone else around me was talking away, but I didn’t hear them. It was the same in lessons. I didn’t hear a word Professor Snape was saying to us, and he asked me a question, and I didn’t even know he’d asked me one. I lost five points from Gryffindor. First time I’d ever lost points from the House. Usually I managed to earn a dozen a week or so.

And I’d see Harry around the school, and he’d say ‘Hi, Colin,’ just as he usually did, and I’d look at him, and then start stammering, and go red, and he’d look at me in a funny sort of way. And I’d have to walk on, pretending that nothing had happened.

There were times I’d almost get over it, start getting on with life again, but then I’d have another dream. They were never the same. You know what dreams are like, when they sort of jump from one bit to another, and none of it makes any sense. Well, these would be like that, except Harry would appear somewhere. Sometimes he’d be in his Quidditch robes, or in his normal school robes, or whatever. The only thing that was the same in all of them was that something would happen between us. Yeah, and I’m not telling you what.

But after a night that like, I’d be wiped out the next day. Useless in lessons. Going round in a daze again. And people would ask me: ‘Something wrong, Colin?’ and I’d have to say, ‘What? Oh, no, nothing’s wrong.’ But there was. Only I couldn’t tell them exactly what.

I suppose I’d have been able to cope with it in the end, if it hadn’t been for that night in the common room. I’d been developing pictures most of the evening – and ever since those dreams had started, I’d stopped taking pictures of Harry. In fact, for something else to do, I’d gone along to Hagrid and asked him for help taking pictures of all those magical creatures he used to look after. Hippogriffs and the like. I got the most amazing pictures! I even thought I could do a book: ‘Magical Creatures in Camera’, or something like that. I’d been down to Hagrid’s that afternoon, trying to get some good shots of Nifflers, then after supper, I’d gone along to the darkroom to make some prints, and enlarge the best of them.

I got back to the common room late because I’d so many to choose from, and settled down in a chair in the corner with my Charms book, because we had a test the next day, and I knew I hadn’t done the work for it. People started going up to the dormitories, but I knew I had to finish the chapter to have any chance of getting good marks, and I stayed there reading. Harry and Ron and Hermione were sitting in their usual chairs by the fire talking away, but I didn’t pay them any attention. I had too much to learn for the morning. Then Ron goes up to bed, and there’s only the two of them. I’m nearly finished, and I’m starting to yawn, when I hear my name mentioned. I look up towards them, but they haven’t seen me.

“Oh, Harry, it’s obvious, isn’t it?” I hear Hermione say.

“What is?”

“Colin. The reason he’s behaving like that – it’s because … well, because I think he’s fallen for you.”

There was a snort from Harry. I froze in my chair. “What do you mean, Hermione – fallen for me?”

“Well, I think – and so do some of the other girls – he, well, likes you.”

“I know he likes me. He’s been following me round like a shadow ever since he got here.”

“Yes, Harry, I know, but I think he likes you,” she put a particular stress on ‘likes’.

“You mean … in that sort of way?” And he sounded horrified. My insides curled up at his tone of voice.

“I think so,” said Hermione in a small voice.

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“Probably. Oh, yes, for heavens sake – I think he’s got a crush on you.”

“Oh, my God.” There was a long silence. “A crush?”

“Yes,” said Hermione in a small voice.

Then he sighed and said, “I suppose it’d explain why he acts so funny these days when I bump into him.”

“Like what?”

“Well, he stutters, and goes red, and walks away again.”

“Exactly.”

“Oh, my God,” he said again. “Hermione, what am I going to do?”

“You’re going to be kind to him.”

“Yeah, but … I mean, another boy – thinking about you like that!”

“He’s very innocent.”

“Yeah, but he’s growing up, if you see what I mean. Don’t say you haven’t noticed that his voice has broken at long last.” Gee, thanks, Harry!

“He’s probably just a bit confused,” said Hermione.

“Well, a pity he didn’t choose someone else to get confused over. I don’t even like to think about it. Anyway, it’s late, and I’m going to bed. Potions tomorrow, and I need my sleep if I’m to cope with that.”

“Okay. But go easy on him if you see him around.”

I heard him sigh. “I suppose so. But … well, I dunno.”

“Do your best. Good night, Harry.”

“Good night,” and I hear him going out of the common room.

Hermione’s still there, and I’m trying to shrink further into my chair. But then she gets up, and she has to pass my chair to get to the girls’ dormitories. She saw me sitting there, stopped dead, and her hand flew up to her mouth.

“Colin!”

I just look up at her, and she stared down at me, looking upset. Well, it was me that was upset, I can tell you.

“Umm .. you didn’t hear what Harry and I was just talking about?” I didn’t say anything at all – mainly because my voice would have seized up - but she must have worked it out from my face. “Colin …” she started, but I didn’t let her finish. I didn’t want to hear whatever it was she was going to say. I made a dash for it, up to our dormitory.

I scrambled up the stairs. One piece of luck – everyone else was asleep and the curtains round their beds were drawn. No one could see the state I was in. I closed the door and leant back on it, then went over to my bed and changed into my pyjamas as quick as I could. I climbed under the bed clothes, my mind in a whirl. I stared up, my face feeling red and hot, thankful for the darkness.

The whole thing was a complete nightmare. Hermione – and the other girls! They’d worked it out. And what a way for Harry to find out. For someone to tell him like that. And he sounded really – well, I suppose the only way I could describe it is to say ‘disgusted’ - when he’d worked out what Hermione was saying.

Because there had been times … I knew Harry had something for that girl in Ravenclaw, but they broke up. And he didn’t seem to have any other girlfriends. So, once or twice, I used to lie in bed and imagine that Harry was that way too … and that he might feel the same way about me. All right, I know, pretty bloody unlikely, isn’t it? But there’s no harm in dreaming – so I thought. Well, I was wrong wasn’t I? He wasn’t like that and he would never feel that way about me. Suddenly it was all too much, and for the first time since I was a small boy, I started crying. I was glad that there were curtains round the bed, because the last thing I needed right now was for the others to see me blubbing.

Well, needless to say, I almost failed that test the next morning. Got through by about two marks. But that wasn’t the worst thing that day. Because I was sitting having lunch, and someone sat down opposite. Yeah, you can guess who. I don’t think he’d seen me to begin with, then he looked and saw who it was, and hesitated for a moment. That was even worse. If he got up again and sat somewhere else … I didn’t know which would be worse, him staying or him going. Then he reached for his knife and fork, and looked across the table again, and smiled at me, and said ‘Hi, Colin,’ just as he always does. But I just looked at him, and he looked back, and suddenly a light went on in his eyes. He knew I knew he knew. If you can work that out. For a moment he looked – oh, I don’t know what. Then his face went sort of smooth and clear again. In a way, that was worse. Seeing the studied blankness.

“Had a good morning, Colin?” he asked.

I forced out an answer. “Not so good. I only just scraped through a Charms test.”

“Really? Thought you were good at that sort of thing.”

“Yeah, well. Lot on my mind at the moment.”

He did know. Somehow I could tell. He nodded. “I know. Don’t worry - I’m sure it’ll all come out right in the end.”

It was the way he said it. Of all the things that I could have taken from him – ignoring me, hating me, whatever – the thing that hurt most was … pity.

He must have seen some flash in my eyes at that point. He looked slightly uncomfortable.

I finished eating as quickly as I could and hurried out of the hall, up to the Tower. At least there was no one else there. I kicked one of the chairs very hard. In an odd sort of way, I could have taken hate. I was almost expecting it. But pity! Not that! For a moment, I hated him myself. The last thing I wanted was for him to pretend it was alright really, when I knew deep down I disgusted him. It took a long time for the rage to subside, and people had started coming back. I gathered up my books and made my way out. And of course, who should be coming up the stairs? Flanked by his friends? I just looked at him, and I saw a moment of uncertainty in his eyes.

“Hi, Ron,” I said, as I passed them.

“What? Oh, hi, Colin.”

As I sat down in Potions, I began to realise how much my work had slipped over the term. I used to be near the top of the class, and now I realised I was near the bottom. I reached for my quill and started making notes as fast as I could. Snape tried to catch me out again with another question, but I was ready for him. I wasn’t going give Snape any more excuses for taking points for Gryffindor. Not again.

And later that evening, the Granger girl comes up to me.

“Um, Colin?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m so sorry – I don’t realise you were in the common room last night.”

“So what?”

“Well, it can’t have been very nice – hearing about what we saying like that.”

I shrugged. “So what?” I said again.

“I’ll talk to Harry and …”

“And what? Don’t bother.”

“But …”

“Look, I know Harry knows. And he was trying to be nice to me at lunch. Tell him it was very kind of him but he doesn’t really have to bother.”

“Colin …”

“Just eff off, will you, and leave me alone!”

I almost shouted at her, and I could see heads turning in the common room. Well, she walked away, and I could sit down with my work. At least work would keep my mind off things. And, okay, I might be that annoying little Colin Creevey who fancied other boys, but there was something I could do well, and that was work. I’d show them I could be as good as them. I made a resolution then. Not near the top of the class any more. No, I was going to be the top. The best. Then they could say what they liked.

But it was difficult, late at night, lying in bed, not to think of him. And what might have been. And what never would be.