Can I Have Your Attention?

"I know, James knows, hell, the whole house knows about you. I don't know why you keep trying to deny it."

"I just...well...I just can't risk it."

"Risk what? It's as plain as the nose on your face - you might as well just accept it. And what, are you ashamed?" Peter stopped and turned to face Remus. They were out on their traditional Sunday walk, musing as usual, but this time the conversation had taken a more serious turn.

Remus looked struck. "Ashamed? Ashamed to feel this way? I don't want to throw the term "love" around lightly, but I do care for him more than I have anyone else. I just don't want things to change. I don't want anyone to get hurt."

"I don't think much can hurt Sirius, and the times, my friend, they are a-changing. You're not getting much out of being so mysterious and dangerous. You'll only destroy yourself."

"Deep, friend."

"I just don't like seeing you like this, living two lives. You bottle too much up."

Remus snorted. "Peter, you know I have to. You know what I am."

"And you know I'm not talking about that. Your condition isn't the only thing you hide. I'm more worried about your feelings. If you could just learn to release, to forget about what people will think or say. I mean, you can't be happy like this."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "And what do you suggest, professor?"

"Well, I've seen you when you're together, when you think no one's watching - lingering in the hallway, arm-in-arm around the lake, that kiss in the library reference section -- " Remus' face reddened with embarrassment. " -- you look so at ease, so comfortable with each other. But as soon as James or I show up, it's back to the quick cover-up, the strained buddy-buddy banter."

"Well -- "

"You just have to accept, man. Maybe stop with the whole 'no one knows' act, for one."

"But can you imagine what would happen if the whole school were to find out? The torment from the Slytherins...not to mention...what would my mum say?" Remus grinned slyly and channeled a more light-hearted mood, his patented trick for avoiding the emotional talk he found too revealing.

Peter caught the hint and added, "It's not your mum I'd be worried about. Can you imagine Walburga Black's face when she finds out her son is gay? God, I'd pay to be there just for the fireworks."

"Yeah, I imagine she'd just about blow her top when she discovers my condition. Not only is her son dating a man, but a half-man at that. Surprise! In-laws with a werewolf! The Fateful and Regrettable End of the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black," Remus laughed, but his mirth soon ended with a sigh. His face looked pained and Peter could see that his mind was going a mile-a-minute, full of imagined encounters and future arguments.

"Come on then, let's head back. You know how James gets when we're late for dinner." He put his arm around Remus' shoulders and they set off for the castle.

* * *

The Gryffindor common room at night is no place for quiet introspection. Someone was blaring the Buzzcocks on a modified Muggle radio and there was an odd smell coming from a corner of the room where a gaggle of second years had clustered, giggling. As prefect, Remus had the responsibility to make sure the shit never really hit the fan. No one wants to be cleaning up dung-bombs at three a.m. on a Sunday. But he liked the controlled chaos, the happy groups of people all hanging out together, so he let it slide.

He was sitting at a table practicing his Ancient Runes. James was there absentmindedly going over the wand motions for tomorrow's Charms exam. Peter and Sirius had lingered at dinner before heading off to their meeting with Professor Slughorn. James kept looking up every time the portrait swung open, hoping to see Lily coming through, and Remus was embarrassed to say he was doing the same, waiting for Sirius to come back so they could slink off to a private hidey-hole and just be themselves.

The portrait opened and with a loud shout of laughter the trio stumbled in. James' and Remus' heads jerked up. Remus quickly looked back down at his parchment, Peter's observations all too clear in his head. No one must suspect anything. He pretended to trace a particularly intricate rune. James stood up and Lily swept over, enveloping him in a gigantic bear hug and slobbery kiss. He sang melodramatically, "And I thought you'd never return, dear lady!" She giggled and pushed him away and plopped down at the table to begin her homework.

"And what am I, chopped liver?" asked Sirius, who had ambled up to the table. He grabbed Remus, pulling him to his feet and wrapping him in a kiss. Remus instinctively leaned into it, but immediately jerked back and pushed Sirius away. "What are you doing?" he hissed quietly. Everyone in the common room had turned to look, the place was silent.

Sirius looked completely taken aback. "What? Can't I snog my boyfriend where I please? Everyone puts up with Lily and her Big Horny Problem - why can't they put up with me and my Furry Little One? Why can't you put up with it? Embarrassed are we?"

Remus was absolutely stung. He felt as if Sirius had just slapped him. Worse, in fact - he could deal with the physical. The anger of Sirius' rant had left him speechless. His brain whizzed away, backlogging every conversation for some sign of where this accusation had come from.

"I...uh...I...why are you doing this?" He found his words. "Has Peter been talking to you?"

"Yes he has, and I'm tired of this fucking around, pretending-no-one-knows, secrecy bullshit. Everyone knows, Remus! It's no surprise. In fact, I'd like to take this opportunity to make it all crystal clear to everyone, just so there are no misunderstandings.

Hello? Hi. Can I have everyone's attention please? I have an announcement I'd like to make. I, Sirius Black, am as gay as the Easter Parade. If you have a problem with it, you'll have to queue up to suck my balls - but you better do it quick, 'cause I know Remus Lupin will be first in line. I'm in love with the little bastard, so you all better get used to seeing us around. Any questions? OK, fine. Glad that's been resolved."

Then to Remus, privately, "Sorry, love, but that's the way it has to be." And with that he bounded up the stairs to the seventh year dorm.

Remus didn't know what to do. He stood there, at the table, all eyes on him, waiting for his public pronouncement. He would not dignify them with a response. He packed up his bag and walked briskly out of Gryffindor Tower. Lily ran after him, but he turned around and snarled at her, "No! Stop. Just don't even try - you can't understand what it's like."

He stalked away angrily, no real destination in sight, but he knew where he would end up. He emerged into the Shrieking Shack and flung his bag on the floor. Remus paced around muttering to himself, fighting back tears and chokes of rage. Sirius' style was too upfront, too belligerent. If Sirius had really loved him, he would not have done that. He knows Remus' fear of attention, why he must be so guarded in his emotions and actions. He needs it to survive and Sirius was trying to take that away from him, to put it all in the open where anyone could see him for what he truly is.

Remus began to laugh. What he truly is - a werewolf, already living on the fringe of society, why not tack something else on, too? He just needed some time alone, to think.

Remus lay down in the bed and curled up.

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Remus' first transformation of their seventh year had been horrific, the worst one he had ever had. He had completely lost his head, when the wolf left him he had lain broken on the floor, barely breathing and covered in blood. This was the scene that his friends had come back to.

Sirius saw Remus lying on the floor and immediately ran to him, crouching gently over his chest. He ran his hands over his face and hair, murmuring, "Moony...Moony...Remus...come back. It's over. You can come back."

When Remus didn't respond, Sirius looked up to his friends. "Help me," he pleaded.

James had been dumbfounded. He had never seen Sirius act this way, so sensitive, concerned, and...raw. His usual tough-guy defensives were down. He moved forward. "He has to go to the hospital."

"No, we shouldn't move him much. I don't think he can take it. What are we going to do?" Sirius looked distraught.

Peter was not as surprised. He had noticed all last year how the two of them had become closer. Sirius would take his problems to Remus and sometimes the two of them would be up in the common room talking well after everyone else had fallen asleep. Peter had come down one night to use the bathroom and they were still there. There was nothing strange or even very sexual about them on the couch, but Peter noticed how Sirius' hand had reached out to play with Remus's hair, but then had recoiled suddenly when he thought he was too close. He noticed how throughout sixth year they had followed each other with their eyes, but had quickly looked away when they thought the other was looking.

How could James be so thick as to not see this coming? Peter had brought it up with Remus on their Sunday walks, but Remus always denied anything. He would change the subject or simply turn away, a closed, despairing look on his face. Peter knew how much Remus hated himself, the lengths he'd go to to keep his secrets safe. He knew Remus would never own up to his feelings. Peter knew Sirius felt the same; he had his reputation to consider, and while he may be soft and cuddly on the inside, he didn't want Hogwarts at large to be privy to his private doings.

But this was different. Remus had never looked so bad after his transformation. They were all worried. Peter half wondered if this was what it would take for Remus and Sirius to confront each other about their feelings. They were giving Sirius his time.

Peter spoke up. "How about we take him to the bed in the next room? He can sleep there and we can take him to the hospital wing in the morning."

Peter went over and he and Sirius lifted Remus to his feet. James grabbed his cloak and wrapped it around Remus' shivering frame. Remus' head flopped onto Sirius' shoulder and Peter could hear him babbling incoherently in his soft voice.

Sirius understood. Remus' mouth was close to his ear; he felt his faint breath tickle his skin as Remus was saying over and over, "Sirius, don't...don't leave me alone...don't leave, Sirius, please."

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Sirius sat down on his bed to wait. He knew Remus would follow him up, if only to escape the embarrassment of the common room. He would explain that he hadn't meant to hurt him, that this was the one thing that had eluded him in their relationship. He wanted everyone to know how happy he was. Sirius was not one for secrets. And unfortunately, not one for subtlety either.

James came in. "That was bold."

"Well, you know me. I'm a Gryffindor, is there any other way?"

"I don't think he's taking it very well."

"What do you mean? He'll be up here any minute now. He'll be upset, I'm sure. But with my patented charm I can just kiss the tension away."

"I think you're going to have to wait for the hot make-up sex -- "

Sirius glared at him. "That was rather personal," he thought. James knew more than he let on. Peter should keep his big mouth shut.

" -- he ran out of the common room. Lily chased after him, but he chewed her out. We don't know where he is."

Sirius looked troubled. He hoped he hadn't done something too rash. He didn't want to risk losing Remus' trust. He knew he would come back. He had to. He'd just wait a few more minutes and then go out looking for him.

"Are you alright?" James sounded concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just gonna do some thinking." Sirius hunched over on his bed, his forehead bent into his palm, and continued to wait. His mind drifted back to that September night in the Shrieking Shack.

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Sirius woke to a curious noise.

They had carried Remus to the moldy bed in the other room and he had lain there, curled up asleep for hours. Sirius had volunteered to stay with him throughout the night and his friends had let him. He had sat there watching Remus' chest rise and fall, making sure he got through the night, but he had fallen asleep in his chair. He woke with a start, half expecting to see Remus lying cold and dead in the bed; but no, what he saw surprised and shook him even more.

Remus was crying.

Remus Lupin never cried, or if he did, you'd never know about it. Peter had called him stoic; James had called him emotionally constipated. Even Sirius had been known to tear up over a particularly touching As the Cauldron Boils, but nothing could ever shake Remus. But here he was now, curled up in a little ball in the bedclothes, sniffling. His tears were flowing down into his cuts, turning his cheeks shiny with blood.

"Remus?" Sirius ventured softly.

He hid his face in the pillow and choked back a sob. "It hurts." His voice was a croak.

"Oh, Puppy, I'm sorry," Sirius crooned tenderly, moving to the edge of the bed. He reached out his hand tentatively towards Remus but stopped halfway there.

Remus was still weeping into the pillow. "It never stops. All the time. I hurt all the time. Why can't I just...I never feel like myself. I always have to hide it. I hate myself."

Sirius sighed. It was not an exasperated sigh, when he spoke it was very slow and quiet. "It's not your fault." He hesitated, weighing each word, "I don't understand how you can hate yourself, when I," he paused, "when I love you so much."

With that Remus looked up. The tears were still streaming down his face as he looked Sirius in the eyes. He looked so vulnerable and beseeching that Sirius almost started sobbing himself. Sirius slid into the bed and laid his head on the pillow next to Remus'. He took Remus' hand and raised it to his lips. Remus let go and ran his fingers along Sirius' jaw to his hair. Suddenly he leaned forward and wrapped him in an embrace. Sirius was afraid to hurt him - he could feel the blood seeping through the thin cloak, but still he wrapped his arms around Remus, pulling him closer. Remus whimpered in pain, but when Sirius tried to let go he heard a small voice say, "No."

Remus pressed his face into Sirius' shoulder and cried. His body shook with every sob and moan. They lay there together, Sirius stroking Remus' hair, whispering soothing nothings until Remus succumbed to exhaustion. All night he cried out softly in his sleep and every time Sirius would wake and begin his comforting ritual once again.

Soon it was morning and feeble light broke through the shack's dingy windows. Sirius opened his eyes and smiled to see that Remus was asleep on his chest, his arms wrapped halfway around his torso, gripping his body like a baby would its blanket. Sirius tried to move to look at his watch without waking Remus, but he stirred and his eyes fluttered open. Remus slowly shifted, trying to sit up, but winces of pain brought him back to Sirius.

"Good morning. Ooph. Sorry I'm such a weakling."

"Oh, no bother, really. I'm in no hurry for you to leave."

Remus looked serious, "Did you mean what you said last night? About," he paused and blushed slightly, "about how you feel about me?"

Sirius lifted Remus' chin to look into his eyes. "Yes. And damn did it feel good to finally say it."

Remus, displaying what Sirius thought to be a rather remarkable recovery, broke into a huge grin, grabbed his face and brought him in for a huge kiss. He lingered there awhile, then slowly worked his way down Sirius' neck, but stopped suddenly with a happy sigh, and laid his head back on Sirius' chest. They lay there for some time in contented silence.

"Moony?"

"Hmm?"

"What are you thinking about?"

"I'm thinking about how I feel."

"And how's that?" Remus always did need some prompting.

He answered slowly, "Free and happy and light and like...myself."

They lay there together awhile, Sirius lightly stroking Remus' hair.

"Ah, that's just how I like you. Now, I do believe we should get you to the hospital wing. Pomfrey's gotta be wondering where you are."

"Ha, and I highly doubt this is the scene she's imagining."

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Remus remembered how Sirius had helped him up to the hospital wing, how Remus had begged him not to tell anyone. Sirius had pouted, but agreed to secrecy. He had been positively ecstatic that whole morning and Remus had squashed his happiness with his own self-doubt. Lying in that dingy bed, where Sirius had had the courage to confront his feelings, Remus felt terrible. He had been holding him back all this time, denying him the thing that would have made all their pain worthwhile, the one thing that Sirius yearned to tell everyone. How could he have been so self-absorbed? He was tired of letting fear run his life, and he knew that it took a great toll on Sirius as well.

Remus smushed his face into the pillow and shouted in frustration. He lay there face down in the pillow, muttering solutions and occasionally pounding his fist into the bed for emphasis until he heard a noise.

It was Sirius.

"James told me you had stormed out. Typical, I suppose, but you know me, I tend to worry." He sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from him. "I kind of thought you might be here.

I know you're mad, but it had to happen sometime. I just couldn't handle not telling anyone. I'm so happy when I'm with you. It feels unnatural to have to role-play out our friendship when anyone else is around. And besides, it's been months; everyone already knows. You're not fooling anyone."

"Now you sound like Peter," said Remus into the pillow.

"Ha, but he does have some sense, the little rodent." He paused and turned towards Remus. "Please, Remus. Just give me this one thing. Don't you want to be free and happy and light?"

Remus sighed and propped his head up on his elbow.

"Of course, but you know how I am."

"What, afraid? Remus, it's too late for that."

"Merlin, I know." There was a long silence. Then suddenly, with a laugh, "Especially after that display in the common room. What will I do with you?" He grabbed Sirius around the waist and pulled him down onto the bed, tickling and pinching - a declaration of war.

But Sirius had the superior tactics and resolved it all with a quick, rather distracting kiss. He wrapped his arms around Remus and just lay there, looking at him.

Suddenly, but slowly and sincerely, "Will you live with me next year? I'm getting a flat in London, nothing fancy. I had been meaning to ask for awhile."

Remus was speechless. That same evening he had been completely selfish and thoughtless and here was Sirius proposing they live together. This was something big. This was commitment. This was love.

"I don't know what to say..." he began.

He heard a sharp intake of breath. Sirius looked away, "You know, if you don't want to....I mean...it's so...." He trailed off. His voice was rough and Remus thought he heard him choking back tears.

"I don't know what to say, except, I can't imagine life without you. Of course I'll live with you." Remus was tingling, he was so happy. He pressed his face close to Sirius' and murmured into his ear, "God, I love you."

Sirius let out a yelp of joy. "I love you too, you unholy tease!" This time Sirius really went in for the kill, but Remus sat up and jumped up out of the bed.

"Come on," he said, pulling a slightly disappointed Sirius up.

They ran back to Gryffindor Tower and burst through the portrait-hole.

"Um, excuse me, could I have everyone's attention please? Sorry for the distraction, but I have a bit of an announcement. I would just like to say that I, Remus J. Lupin, am absolutely head-over-heels for Sirius Black, and I don't care what you say, that doesn't change a thing, I'm still going to love him, and he's still going to love me, and you can tell all the Slytherins, and the teachers, and my parents, and Walburga Black and oh dear, I'm rambling. Oh come here you mangy bastard!"

Sirius managed a whispered "Well said," before Remus, yes Remus Lupin, snogged him rotten right in front of the entirety of the Gryffindor common room. And amid all the cheers and the hoots and hollers, Remus felt his ears turn red, but when he pulled away nothing could have wiped the smile off his face.

THE (BIG SAPPY) END

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