Living A Lie

Living a Lie

We both know that I shouldn't be here
This is wrong
And baby it's killing me, it's killing you
Both of us trying to be strong

She sat up and looked at him as he sat on the edge of the bed and slipped on his pants. She crawled over to him.

"Where are you going?" she asked, placing a kiss on his shoulder.

"I've got to be getting home," he said, standing.

"Can't you stay a bit longer?" she asked, hating herself for the desperation that leaked into her voice.

"I want to, but I can't. She'll be wondering."

I've got somewhere else to be
Promises to keep
Someone else who loves me
And trusts me fast asleep
I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that

"Why can't you just stay forever?" she whispered, forgetting to be strong. He looked at her, eyes sad. "I love you."

"I can't. She has done so much for me and she loves me. I can't do this to her," he whispered. Her eyes filled with tears.

"I can't understand that. You love me and sleep with me, yet you won't be with me because of what she did for you five years ago?" she said, her lip trembling. He paused, causing her to shake. "You do love me right? I'm not just a fling?"

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you

He swallowed, looking down at his shirt as he buttoned it. He had to do this. He hardened his eyes and his heart.

"No, I don't love you," he said, looking in her eyes. That was the biggest lie he had ever told in his entire existence.

"If you loved her, you wouldn't be with me," she said, swallowing. "I know you love me! You just said you wanted to stay."

"Of course I want to stay. Who wouldn't?" he said, sneering, smacking her backside. Her face paled and she rubbed her rear angrily. He picked up his robes and looked over at her.

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my heart's not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever had to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

"She's going to have my baby," he said, pulling on his robes.

"No," she whispered. "No, please."

"We're very happy. She's been waiting a long-"

"Damn her!" she screamed, launching herself off the bed clutching the sheets around her body. "All she did was distract the bloody man with a spell so you could kill him! I gave you my life. I helped you when you needed it. If you were happy with her, you wouldn't be in my bed."

"If she hadn't I would be dead too! Then there wouldn't be anyone for you to be with, now would there?" he snarled, losing his temper. "I can't just throw that in her face! She is my wife!"

"I'm not even with you! I just sleep with you. Isn't that the bloody arrangement?" she spat, ignoring him as she turned to the bathroom. "You never could admit you were wrong. You never wanted to admit you couldn't do something!" She walked choppily, her back ramrod straight. He watched as he broke the only woman he really ever loved. She flipped her wrist angrily, waving him off, trying to salvage some of her self worth as the only man she had ever loved broke her heart irreparably. "You go home to the little woman and let your whore clean up."

"You're not even worth a whore," he snapped. He saw her cheeks pale then color. Her eyes glittered dangerously, tears still evident. He couldn't look at her. He could drown in her eyes. He wanted to wrap her up in his arms and take her back to bed, telling her he didn't mean any of it; that he loved her more than anything and never would leave her. His fingers itched to wipe the tear that trickled down her cheek, but he sucked in a breath and steeled himself. He had to do this.

"I told you this wouldn't be permanent. We're not meant to be. I can't do this anymore," he spat. "She is my wife. You are my mistress. That's the way it is. You knew that when we started this. My obligations and heart lie with her, not you." He was the biggest liar that ever lived.

"Damn you!" she screamed, tears slipping sloppily down her cheeks. He turned his back on her and heard softly, "Damn me too." She sank to her knees and sobbed as he apparated out of her life, one thought on his tortured mind: how much he hated himself at that moment.

I know that we'll meet again

Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life
I've got to be cruel to be kind
Like Dr. Zhivago
All my love I'll be sending
And you will never know
There can be no happy ending

The pain of that night never left her. After a month of hoping he would come to his senses, but knowing that he would never come to her again, she stuffed her pain into the deepest part of her soul and agreed to marry a man she had know since her years at Hogwarts; a man she knew loved her and would take care of her and the baby. She announced the engagement with him there. She stood with her fiancé, his arm around her waist, as she announced that she was pregnant with his child, hoping to hurt him as much as he had hurt her.

Ten years passed and now she was pregnant with their second child. They were taking their first to Diagon Alley. Her husband held her hand as they strolled the cobbled stones. Walking down the Alley, she felt her stomach plummet. Standing at The Quality Quidditch Supplies Shop, there he was, with <>her. He glanced up and he froze, seeing her. She knew they would cross paths again eventually. She had heard that they had suffered a miscarriage with the baby he had announced to her that night, along with several more before they were told she would never carry to full term.

She put a hand to her swollen belly, smirking that she could. She disappeared into a shop and he came over. Her former lover looked at her, pregnant and with a ten-year-old in tow and swallowed.

"Hello," he said, his heart clenching.

"Hello," she remarked, the fire in her heart for him undiminished even after all these years. She turned to her husband. "Love, will you take Evan and get him some ice cream?" Her request was granted. She kissed her husband, who looked warily at the other man. The other man's eyes flickered with an undetermined emotion. Her husband took hold of Evan's hand and set off.

He looked at her. "Ummm," he began. "How have you been?"

"How do you think?" she asked. He looked over at the shop his wife had disappeared into. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"I just wanted to see you and how you were. Happy and in love I hope. Your son is well behaved. Looks like you. Doesn't look like his father though," he said, peering over to the ice cream parlor where the boy and his father were ordering.

"I think he looks exactly like his father," she said looking deep into his eyes. A light flickered on in his eyes and understanding dawned.

Maybe another time, another day
As much as I want to, I can't stay
(Ooh)
I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my hearts not free
We're not meant to be

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever had to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you
I don't want to live a lie
What can I do

"He is exactly like his father: same eyes, same hair, same smile, same laugh, sense of humor, temperament. But he loves me, unlike his father. He loves stories. He pretends to be the hero and that I'm the damsel in distress. He comes to save me, though he has yet to discover that he cannot save people like he wants, just like his father thought he could. No one ever lives happily ever after, not anymore. There can be no happy ending for us, any of us. I realize now that we weren't meant to be. That doesn't mean that I must accept it. I'm hanging on and I will continue to hang on. Because what else can I do? I hope you are happy; happy with your choice. Goodbye, love." She leaned over and kissed him softly on the mouth. She turned and walked towards the ice cream parlor.

"Mum, who was that?" Evan asked, once she sat. She looked at him, her heart in her throat, watching him walk dejectedly down to the shop, shoulders hunched. She knew that nothing had ever been the same, nothing would ever be the same. She looked up at her son. He was staring back.

"No one important, love."