Mourning

Mourning

We had talked it over many times; just as many times, we had made a decision about what to do in case it happened.

Years passed. Friendships were broken, loyalties wavered. We thought it would not happen to us. It could not happen to us. But it did. Promises made were unmade, lives were lost. You were gone.

And then you returned.

Again we talked it over, as though not a day had passed. It was much the same as before; we both had, incredibly, remained unchanged in that particular aspect of our selves. Lily and James were gone. Harry was there in their stead. And that changed everything, didn't it? This time around however, we would be ready. Our resolve did not waver, it was strengthened. Our bonds were reinforced by those broken so long ago. It would not happen again. Or so we thought.

We would no longer fight for our ideals, we decided. We would fight for Harry. It was ironic, really. We swore to protect the one who would save us in the end.

He could not save you. Neither could I.

"SIRIUS! SIRIUS!"

"There's nothing you can do, Harry--"

"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!"

"-- It's too late, Harry."

He could not, but he tried. Sweet Merlin, did he try.

"We can still reach him--"

"There's nothing you can do, Harry... nothing... he's gone."

He didn't give up on you, I'll grant him that...

"He hasn't gone! SIRIUS! SIRIUS!"

"He can't come back, Harry. He can't come back because he's d--"

"HE--IS--NOT--DEAD!"

It should have been me.

We used to joke about it, before. There had been less apprehension then. It still strikes me, how much simpler I thought everything was back then. We were young, brave, daring, and strong - reckless even. Heroes to some. But you always said true heroes are all dead. We used to argue with you back then. But now there is no point in arguing further, is there? You have become a hero yourself, like James and Lily did.

We talked it over so many times I lost count, nonchalantly and flat-out to the point. You were never one to endure avoiding a subject, no matter how nasty or embarrassing it could be. We made the same promise once more, in much the same way as we had in the past. You said it again, so simply I could do nothing but agree with you - you never changed.

"It's a war, Moony - you know it's going to happen sooner or later anyway."

Afterwards, I felt stronger, even happier. As if a burden had been lifted off my chest. Another irony. As I remember it however, it had always been this way. We had indeed changed. We were older, grimmer, more experienced. We had suffered more than our share of hardships - but we were still brave, daring and strong, reckless even. We still had hope.

"...And then, when we get that double-crossing, traitoring bastard and my name is cleared, I'm whisking Harry away for a good, long holiday. What say you to a fortnight in New Zealand, Moony?"

"Sounds good to me, Padfoot."

And then Voldemort lured Harry to the Department of Mysteries, just like you said he would - I owe you ten Galleons, don't I? I should have known then and there it was still a losing battle, betting against you. You were right, as usual. I should have known, right?

"Sod Dumbledore! Can't you see what he's doing?! He's caging him in, for Merlin's sake! Harry needs guidance, not protection! Hell, Moony - don't you dare tell me to calm down! He's my family and you expect me to sit tight and watch them tear him apart? He--needs--to--know!"

"The Order agreed on not telling him a thing until we know more of his link--"

"Don't you think Harry would be better off if we helped him to fight it instead of leaving him all alone against it?!"

"Dumbledore thinks it's for the best..."

"Want to bet? Because Dumbledore is keeping Harry in the dark, Voldemort will score a point. Big time. Harry's no longer a child, Remus. Can't you see? We're letting him win!"

I can see that now.

You insisted you were going. No Potter would be harmed if you were there to avoid it. It was ever so, even before. Did that give you the right to leave?

"Let go of me! Dammit, Moony--are you coming or what?"

"Black, you have nothing to do in the Ministry--"

"Nobody asked your opinion, Snivellus."

Do you know Buckbeak died too, that night? I should have stopped you, even if it meant breaking my promise, my oath as a Marauder. It's too late for that now, I know that as well.

"I'm ready, Sirius. Where did Harry go exactly, Severus?"

"The Department of Mysteries. I think The Dark Lord is trying to get him to hand over the Prophecy."

"Shit."

"That about sums it up, Padfoot. Sirius?"

"He already left, Lupin. I would never have thought he could apparate so quietly."

"Shit."

"You Gryffindors are all the sa--" Pop.

When Lily and James died I tried to keep my promise. I cursed your name many times, if only because it made the loss more bearable. Did you know how often I did that? I curse myself now for not believing you.

The stars are shining out here; the moon is waxing to its full. I remember, although I don't want to, all those nights we spent running around Hogwarts as animals. We used to have so much fun, the four of us together.

"Oy, Prongs - there's another passage here..."

"Let's see where it goes!"

"D'you think Pete's going to be able to get through the hump? Looks awfully narrow..."

"Peter can turn into a rat, Padfoot..."

"I know, Moony. That's what worries me. Even in rat form - OW! Ha ha ha, sorry, Wormtail!"

I remember how we used to lean on you, even James. Maybe James most of all. I remember how you would never hesitate to help us, to be there for us, to come in our aid. How we never even had to ask you for help - you were always there, unmovable, always ahead of things - be it that one of us skipped a meal or forgot an answer to a question during an exam, you knew. You solved it, even if it meant you would get into trouble.

"Mr. Black! That was entirely uncalled for!"

"He provoked one of my friends, Professor McGonagall."

"And you thought it fitting to make him grow horns and a nose-ring?!"

"Actually... no. I wanted to turn him into a cow, you see, but it went wrong there somewhere..."

* * * * * * * * * *

"Here, the answer to question a is 'break the Grindylow's grip', and the one to question h is 'Hurling Hex'. You should be all right with the rest -"

* * * * * * * * * *

"It wasn't James, Professor. I did it, because... because... erm..."

The whole matter with the Fidelius Charm meant you would have been killed either way, wouldn't you? Peter as a Secret-Keeper would have changed nothing, even if he had remained true to us. You would have died in his stead, being the obvious choice. You never knew I walked in on a few of those conversations, although I must admit I never understood what you two were going on about.

I remember how James argued against it, how you told him to shut up and listen to reason. How you joked about the matter. Did your own life never mean anything to you?

"Damn you, Sirius--you're going through with it, aren't you?"

"Good morning to you too, James. Coffee?"

"There must be some other way!"

"I take that as a no, then..."

"I don't want you to--"

"Finish that sentence and I'll punch you. This is a bloody war James! People die! Harry is my godson. And I won't let them get to him, whatever--"

"He'll get you. He'll get you and he'll kill you, or worse."

"Everybody dies, Potter. Get used to the idea. Morning, Moony--fancy some coffee?"

I remember how you would do virtually anything to cheer me up when I was at the Hospital Wing after a transformation. How you talked the rest into becoming Animagi just so we could always be together, the four of us Marauders. How no problem was too big or overwhelming when you were there.

"We have a surprise for you, Moony."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? THE MOON WILL COME UP IN A MINUTE--GET--OUT!!"

You laughed.

"Wrong, mate. The moon's going to be up in five minutes, not one. And we're staying."

"NO! Leave! Go away--I'll kill you!"

"Wrong again. You see, werewolves are only a danger to humans..." pop.

I could never thank you enough.

Did you know that just by you being there, we felt brave and strong and daring, reckless even? Did you know all along? Did you plan all this? Did you like turning helpless situations to our advantage?

"So Mulciber is closing in on the left, Rodolphus and Rabastan are coming from the right, and there's a pit straight ahead..."

"Should we surrender, Padfoot? Is that what you're saying?"

"Sweet Merlin, no! Listen here, you two - I've got a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel..." CRACK.

"What was that?"

"Malfoy apparating - he looks rather... old, doesn't he?"

"Well Sirius, you haven't seen him since second year."

"He's got the mark then, James?"

"Why else would he be here, Remus?"

"Back to business. You were saying... about a weasel?"

"Yup."

When we saw you unafraid, we were emboldened; if you were sad, we felt glum; if you were happy, we were happy too. You never lost your spirit. Not even Azkaban changed that fact. And I am only now realising it. Does that make me a blithering idiot? I feel like one.

"Everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end."

"Sirius. We're screwed, get it?"

"Yeah, cut out the inspirational quotes. McGonagall saw us, she's on her way to Gryffindor tower and we'll never make it back before she does."

"We're dead. Only we don't know it yet, that's why we're still walking around..."

"Not if we fly to Gryffindor tower and jump in through the windows, James- I left mine open...Moggy McG will spend years trying to figure out how we got back so fast."

"She'll never be able to prove a thing... Let's do it then, Padfoot!"

"Spoken like a true Potter."

"You're out of your mind."

"Spoken like a true Lupin."

"Shut it, Black."

"Make me, I dare you."

"Spoken like a true lunatic."

"Why thank you, Peter."

"What if there's a ward or something that bounces us away? What if we fall off the bloody tower, eh?"

You are gone now, and you expect me to stay true to my promise. How am I supposed to walk, if my crutches are gone? How can anything be left standing when the pillar sustaining it has crumbled from underneath?

"You won't fall Remus, don't fret. I've got you covered."

How do you expect me not to mourn you, Padfoot best of friends?

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