Forbidden Thoughts

Forbidden Thoughts

For the hundredth time I chide myself for allowing those thoughts in my mind. I hate not being able to get that person out of my head.

Looking around the room I try to focus on the fact that he would never be able to give me this luxury... but, is that what my heart desires? Or is it just another pitiful excuse to try and forget him? He too is a pureblood, but that alone would never suffice to grant me the social status I now posses. Yet... is that even necessary?

I remember when I was in my third year, and he in his last. I used to cross him in the corridors, with his girlfriend by his side. They always teased each other in a way that could only be described as silly and childish, and I though it was a pathetic display. But nonetheless she always bore a look of complete happiness on her face. Was he able to grant that happiness so easily? Years later, I wonder if he could make me feel such a thing. But no... those thoughts are improper, a woman who has only been married for a few months cannot wonder such a thing of a man other than her husband.

I bury my face in the pillow hoping to forget, to make him leave my thoughts. A strong hand touches my back.

"Is everything alright my dear?" I hear his silky voice ask.

I turn to him with a fake smile on my lips, because if he ever found out of the things that go on in my mind it would be disastrous.

"Yes, of course."

"You seem perturbed these last few days," he studies me over "has someone been bothering you? If that's the case tell me, and I will make sure they regret it."

Yes, my mind's voice whispers to you from the silence of my soul, someone has been bothering me, but you would never be able to stop him from doing so, much less with your methods. You threaten, you bribe, you cause fear in others. Does he ever resort to such unbecoming solutions? But it makes me feel guilty to think that in front of you, after all, you are worried about my well being. Yes, you can be distant, but is that a sufficient reason for you not to be a good husband?

"No, I'm fine. I assure you there is no need to worry," I answer kissing you affectionately. It makes me feel like dirt to act in such a dishonest manner. You seem satisfied enough with the answer and wrap your arms around me, pulling us both down on our bed.

"If you say so, rest now."

Even when in this position a cold sensation invades me. Is it normal to feel this empty? Are his arms warm and welcoming?

But then, when you close your eyes and drift to sleep, it suddenly hits me. I watch you, realizing that like that you look almost angelic, not distant or unwelcoming. With that sight it becomes clear: I do not need anyone else, for you are all I need. No matter what others may think, I know you have true feelings for me and would never hurt me in any way. What does it matter if you don't share all your problems with me? When it comes down to it, you will always be there by my side. A furtive affair would never give me that.

I cuddle closer to you, wanting to feel you, hear the pounding of your heart, sense your elusive fragrance.

"Sweet dreams Lucius, my angel," I whisper, even if you don't hear me. And goodbye, Arthur Weasley, it is clear that you shan't plague my mind with forbidden thoughts anymore. Keep your happiness, for I have my own.