Solitary Choice

Lily: September, 1977

"How long is yours?" I asked Remus worriedly.

He stretched out the parchment he had been writing on. "About ten inches, I'd say."

I stretched out my own essay. "I only have eight!"

Remus smiled warmly. "I'm sure yours is brilliant, Lily. You're the cleverest girl at Hogwarts. You're Head Girl."

I laughed. "You're very sweet, Remus, but I doubt that I'm the cleverest girl at Hogwarts. And considering who was made Head Boy, I'm not sure being Head Girl is all that much of an honour."

Remus' eyes flashed and I almost felt bad for insulting Potter. Almost. "Oh, Remus," I continued, "he's just so - full of himself. I am certain that he spends more time on his hair than all the seventh year girls combined spend on theirs."

Remus' face relaxed and he smiled softly. "Lily, I know how you see him, but if you really knew him, you wouldn't feel that way. James is a good person and he's matured a lot -"

"I think you should date him, Remus. Sounds like you're in love with him," I interrupted, struggling not to laugh.

"Ha ha. He's not my type, a bit too athletic for me," he replied good-naturedly.

I hit his shoulder lightly. "Oh, Remus," I said, before pausing for a moment to work up my nerve. "Next weekend is the first Hogsmeade weekend."

"Yes, I know," he answered, and then he seemed to find the textbook in front of him much more interesting than me.

I frowned slightly, but was undeterred, after all, I had been waiting for over a year for him to ask me out, and so I knew that such a thing was not likely to occur suddenly. Obviously, if I wanted to go out with him, I was going to have to do the asking. "I was wondering if you would like to have lunch with me in town."

Remus didn't answer immediately, instead staring at his textbook blankly. "I...I don't know, Lily," he finally stammered. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"Oh," I said rather lamely. "Okay." I bit by my bottom lip and turned my attention back to my Charms essay in front of me. No, I thought to myself, not okay, Lily. Don't lie and say it is. I turned my head to Remus. "Why not?" I already suspected I knew his reasons, but I wanted him to tell me himself.

Remus closed his eyes for a moment then shook his head slightly. "It's complicated, Lily."

"Is it? You don't like me that way? If that's it, you can just tell me, Remus. I'm not a fragile little girl who is going to fall apart if she's spurned."

Remus gave a short laugh and finally turned his face toward me. "I know you're not, Lily. I know. I do like you....but...." his voice trailed off and his eyes diverted downward.

"Is it because of Potter? He's not really interested in me; it's just a game to him. A show. That's all. And even if it isn't, I'm not interested in him."

Remus appeared to be having an inner battle with himself, so I sat quietly and waited (which was not easy, quietly waiting is not my speciality.)

"Lunch on Saturday would be lovely," he replied finally, smiling warmly. The smile didn't quite carry all the way to his eyes, but I decided to overlook it - for now.

Remus: January, 1978

Being with Lily was both wonderful and dreadful at the same time. She was lovely - witty, charming, silly, kind and bold - I believed her to be perfect. She always made me feel special, needed and cared about. Those were the wonderful things. The dreadful aspect was I knew it couldn't last. Sometimes, I would try to fool myself into thinking it could work, but I was never able to fool myself for long. What prospects did I have after leaving Hogwarts? I knew I wanted to teach, but how many parents would want their children to be taught by a werewolf? And how would Lily feel when she found out what I was? That she had been snogging a werewolf for the last few months? That I had lied to her - at least by admission? She deserved more than what I would ever be able to give her. She deserved - James Potter. He could give her everything. He loved her. I knew he did. He tried to pretend that he didn't, but every so often, a comment slipped by that betrayed his true feelings. It made me feel as if I had stolen something from him, even though I knew Lily would strongly disagree with that assessment of the situation.

I rubbed my temples and watched as Lily walked into the common room. It was quite deserted and she smiled at me and quickly crossed the room and sat down next to me on the sofa. Her lips pressed against mine for a short welcoming kiss. "All is well in the corridors of Hogwarts," she announced, "Except it is rather chilly."

I normally would've wrapped my arms around her at that subtle hint, but tonight I stared rather vacantly into the fire flickering in front of us.

"What's wrong, Remus?" Lily asked kindly. Quick, she was. Too quick.

"There's something I need to tell you," I said, keeping my eyes on the fire.

"Is there?" she asked. She kept her tone level, but I could sense that she knew it was not going to be something she wanted to hear.

"I...I can't -" I stammered, unable to say what I wanted to say. I glanced over at her - she was sitting very straight, her hands clasped together tightly on her lap. Her chin at a defiant tilt already, her eyes bright. I didn't want too see the love fade from her eyes as the fear and revulsion grew. "I can't see you any longer, Lily."

I swallowed and shook my head. I had still hurt her, but at least she didn't know that she had just kissed a monster. I was a coward.

"No, Remus. I know why you're doing this and I'm not going to let you. I am in love with you and unless I'm far less clever than you are always telling me I am, you're in love with me too. Has Potter said something to you? He has no right," she said self-assuredly, putting her hand on mine. "We'll be together, Remus."

For an instant, only an instant, I was annoyed. Her confidence and determination were overwhelming. I also realised in that moment that she honestly was the perfect match for James and I was going to do the right thing, the noble thing, and get them together. No matter how much Lily protested. I dared to meet her eyes again and saw the hurt beneath the determination and steeled myself against it. I had to end this now. Before she figured out the truth, before the emotions grew even more complicated than they already were.

"No, Lily. I won't allow it to go on. I know you don't understand why I have to do this. It's not because of James, it's because of me. It's...over, Lily," I said, hoping she'd hear the conviction in my voice. She did. It made her angry.

Gone was the hurt from her eyes, gone was her hand from mine, it was now curled into a tight fist. Her eyes glowed with righteous outrage. "You had to do it, didn't you?"

"Do what?" I asked softly.

"Put me on a pedestal! You've convinced yourself that you're not good enough for me and it's just not true, Remus. It's not!"

"I'm sorry, Lily, this is the only way. This is the way it has to be," I said, standing. "Please forgive me."

"No," she said. "I won't."

I took a quick look at her and saw the tears glistening in the corner of her eyes and hated myself for hurting her. I hated that I had deluded myself this could ever have an ending that didn't end in tears and anger. I forced myself to turn and walk away. James would fix the hurt, he would wipe the tears, he would make her realise she had never really loved me. I told myself that over and over all night long. If only I could have believed it, if only it had been what I honestly wanted.

Lily: February, 1978

"Thank you for the valentine, Potter," I said as we walked down an empty corridor side by side

I soon noticed that Potter had stopped walking. I turned and faced him. "What?"

"You said something polite to me, Evans," he said, narrowing his eyes. "If you are really Lily Evans."

I put my hands on my hips and scowled. "It is hardly the first polite thing I have ever said to you! I was nice to you just last week when you were late to patrol with me."

"You hit me over the head with your book bag. It was heavy. I still have a lump....right here," he said, rubbing the side of his head. "Do you want to feel it?"

"NO!" I spun around and stomped away, wondering why I had bothered to be polite. Everything he said annoyed me. Remus must be mad to think we were well matched....mad and delusional.

He jogged to catch up with me. "Evans, I was just joking. I was just happy you didn't tear up the valentine and try to stick it up my nose."

I stopped. "That's just gross, James," I proclaimed, but I must admit I was struggling not to smile. "As if I want my fingers anywhere near your nose!"

"You called me James," he said gleefully.

"And?"

"There's hope!" he declared happily.

"You're hopeless!" I exclaimed, even as I laughed.

"Hopelessly in love!"

I winced and shook my head. "Never, James Potter. Never."

"Always and forever," he replied.

I tried to think of a witty refusal, but for once not even one insult against him would come to my mind. I told myself it meant nothing and started back down the corridor. I did notice as we finally finished the patrol I was still smiling though.

Remus: July, 1978

I watched the ceremony quietly. Sirius was the best man; Emmeline was Lily's maid of honour. Lily was beautiful, her long red hair cascading over her cream-coloured dress. I noted that I had never seen her look so happy. She beamed as she had walked down the aisle; she was beaming now as they listened to the vicar speak of the vows they were about to exchange. This is what I had wanted, for her to be happy. But I couldn't help wishing she didn't look quite so happy. Couldn't she glance my way and with a hint of sadness in her eyes?

I shook my head as I watched them, eighteen and so certain of their love. They didn't even have the decency to falter or look nervous as they exchanged their vows. Two unstoppable forces united for eternity. It was, I knew, destiny. It had to be. Or perhaps I was only trying to console myself; delude myself as I always did when the truth was too painful to face.

She came to me later as I stood in a corner, nursing a whiskey. She squeezed my hand, kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear, "You should smile, Remus, this is what you wanted." She gave me one last kiss on the cheek as she delivered her killing blow and disappeared in a swirl of red curls and ecru lace.

I smiled and finished my whiskey.