The Mistake

I still dream about it, nearly every night. Nearly 8 years later, and my mistake haunts me. It shall probably haunt me until I die. I still spend my time dreaming about what ifs. It hurts.

The party was fun, to say the least. It was Lavender's birthday. She was having a party, even though Padma thought they were juvenile. It was a roller skating party. People from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw were there, as were a few kids from Ginny's year. She was there.

Everyone skated at first. Even Ron and he didn't even know how. Harry and I taught him. We had cake, then, and Lavender opened her presents. Looking back on it now, it all seems so young, like we should have left it all behind years before, even if we were only 15. I guess the war aged us all.

But I digress.

Nearly every male present gave Lav money or a gift certificate. They're guys, what else do they give? And then, they were distracted by flashing colors and guns. Surprise of all surprises, they discovered the arcade.

Time passed, with only the girls skating. Soon, it's time for a couple skate. A few girls are lucky enough to manage to snag a guy as he loses his last pence, but I'm not one of them. Harry, however, is still playing, though Ron is skating with one of Ginny's friends, Sara.

Ginny isn't skating either. She stands watching Harry play Silent Scope 2. She looks crushed and hopeful at the same time. I catch Lav's eye, and together we approach Harry. We beg him; plead with him to skate with her in the next couple skate.

I didn't even know if he was listening to us. All of his attention was focused on the game. He dies, checks his pockets for one last coin. He doesn't have one, but I do. I say I'll give it to him, if he promises to at least skate with Ginny, although I tell him to ask her out. He agrees.

The first song ends. I lean against the barrier blocking the hardwood skating surface from the rest of the carpeted floor, not expecting to have a partner for this one either, when Ron rushes up to me. He begs me to skate with him, because that Sara girl was going to stalk him. Or so he says. I make sure Harry asks Ginny before I agree.

/Your love is like a river
Peaceful and deep
Your soul is like a secret
That I could never keep
When I look into your eyes
I know that it's true
God must of spent a little more time on you/

That's all I remember of the song. Ron and I talk as we skate, and I began to like him. The song's over far too fast, but before the last note dies, I am Ron's girlfriend. Before the last not dies, Ginny is Harry's girlfriend.

Months later, I realize it. I am in love with Harry. I have fallen for my best friend, despite the fact that we are both in a relationship. I say nothing. I continue to date Ron. I keep my pain a secret.

Today, my last ray of hope died. Harry and Ginny had a girl, Lily Lindsay Potter. Lindsay was James' middle name. Harry and Ginny will be together forever now. Harry told me once that it's awful growing up without a dad. He said that even if the mother was alive, he'd never leave his child.

Harry and I can never be. I will never be Mrs. Potter. I will never have a little green eyed baby, with messy, black hair. I will never worry that m husband is not going to come through the front door one evening because some disgruntled Death Eater surprised him.

I sealed my own fate. I sold my soul for a pence. I'll never get it back. Harry has it now, and he doesn't even know it, so how can he give it back to me.

I understand what the Dementor's Kiss is like now. I understand what it's like to go mad. I understand what it's like to envy the dead.

I rarely envy people. If there is something I want, I go after it.

If you're reading this, I don't envy the dead anymore. I have joined them. Don't bother trying to stop me. I've already done it. It's too late.

/Hermione Granger/