Hope

~~~~~~~

Hope

Here I am, in the darkness of my dorm, as usual. And, as usual, I'm staring at the Moon, through the window above my bed. The Moon. I owe my name to it: Luna. And like the Moon itself, I have a hidden side that no one can ever see. But maybe I'm willing to show it to someone in particular. To you, Harry.

I usually do my school homework around 2 in the morning. I guess that in that aspect, as well as in so many others, I'm not normal. After I do it, I keep staring at the Moon - like I always do - and I wonder if you're doing the same thing, too.

Sometimes I think of how this started. I don't know for sure, but I do know that this is something recent. Maybe two weeks old or such. Why did it start? I guess it started because, suddenly, I understood you were special. Not special in a my-parents-were-killed-by-Voldemort-and-I'm-able-to-escape-from-him-in-every-damn-occasion kind of way; special as a person. You are special to me because you don't mind my search for Snorckacks, because you don't mind my butter beer corks necklace, because you don't mind that everyone else calls me Loony. To you, I am just Luna Lovegood.

You see, that's why I spend a reasonable amount of time thinking of you on a daily basis. Because I try to analyze what I feel for you; because I wonder if I'll ever have a chance.

I chuckle. Yes, I do try to find out what kind of feelings I have for you. For now, I think I just like you. I don't love you. Well, at least not yet.

Sometimes, when you have strange thoughts, you come to me and tell me about them. I think I may be considered your friend because of that. You know I have strange theories, and you know I was right about Thestrals, because I could see them like you did (you thought you were going mad back then). And when you think of something new about your godfather, you don't hesitate to talk to me about it. And you know I'll listen carefully because I may come up with a crazy idea to get him back, or to contact him. And you know that Ron, or even Hermione would find some of your ideas strange. But you know I don't. And you also know that I'll always be ready to listen, even if I have a monstrous essay to finish, which should have been ready in the day before. You know all that because, well, you just know me.

And it's good to know you too, to talk to you. Sometimes when I see you by the lake, I go to you and ask if I can sit down. And you say yes. And we talk about things like Quidditch, spells, Hippogriffs, life. We talk about everything. And then you kindly say you must leave for your Quidditch practice. I say it's okay. You smile. I smile back. And as I watch you leave, I slowly put my hand in the grass, in the exact place your hand was before. I do that because... well, because. And then I smile and gaze at the horizon.

I remember that two nights ago you needed to talk to me, and owled me a little note, at 1 a.m.:

Hey, I need to talk to you about a dream I had just now. Can we meet in the 7th classroom on the East Wing of the 3rd floor?

I'll be waiting inside.

Tender kisses,

H

And when I arrived there, you said you saw me coming on the map, and you removed your dad's invisibility cloak. I chuckled. You smiled and asked me what was I laughing about. I said you had some cute pyjamas. You grinned, and said that at least you weren't on light blue bunny slippers. I looked down at my feet, and grinned as well. We looked at each other and laughed. Then you told me that you dreamed about Sirius talking to you and telling you that he was okay, and that he would come back eventually. Then I said that sometimes spirits can communicate with the living through dreams, and that my mum had done the same thing with me, and still does. We sat down and continued talking until it was 3 a.m. We both agreed it was getting late. You said you would come with me to my common room, because you had the map, and you didn't want me caught because of you. At first I refused, but then you insisted and I accepted. You walked me to the portrait of the Old Witch, and I thanked! you. You said you were the one who had to thank me. You said 'sleep tight', I said 'nighty night'. We both smiled at each other, and before I entered through the portrait, I saw you covering yourself in the invisibility cloak. I could sense you were still smiling to me from under the cloak, so I kept smiling as well. I heard you walk away, and I went to my dorm, laid on my bed, and read your message again -- which is exactly what I'm doing this night, right now.

I'm paying special attention to your last words on the parchment. Tender kisses, H. I guess that those words made me have hope. No one had ever said that to me. Not even a foolish pseudo-boyfriend I had once.

So now I guess I'll just stand here and read that message of yours. Unless...

Wait. I just had an idea.

Hi, Harry. Still awake?

L

After attaching the note to my owl's leg, I told her that if you were not awake, she could return without delivering it. You need to sleep, after all.

And so I sit in my moonlight-bathed bed, thinking of if I will get an answer. The curtains are pulled so that no one will be able to see me, if by any chance someone wakes up in the middle of the night.

I'm still waiting for your answer. I will not be sad if my owl comes back without delivering it, because that means that you were sleeping, and I reallyon't want to wake you up because of something silly like this. What scares me is that you may be awake and receive the note, but do not answer it. So, I have no option but to wait. Wait and look at the moon.

I'm so distracted by my own thoughts that I don't even notice my owl coming back with a different piece of parchment attached to her leg. My heart starts beating faster, as I take the message from her, and give her an owl treat. She whistles happily, and I read the note.

Yeah. So you're still awake, too.

You do understand that this is a very improper hour for a respected girl to be awake, don't you?

H

I chuckle. Even at this time of the night, you still have sense of humour. I grab my quill, another piece of parchment and reply to your message.

Hey, look who's talkingYou know, Mr. Gryffindor pride should be an example to his fellow housemates.

So, what are you doing at this time of the night, anyway?

L

Yeah. That should do it.

p style="text-indent: 0.00mm; text-align: left; line-height: 4.166667mm; color: Black; background-color: White; "> And so I do it again: I wrap the message in my owl's leg, open the window, and there she goes. She doesn't look very happy, though.

And so I wait again. This time I'm not as anxious as I was before because I know you'll answer. I just know you will.

As I hear my owl coming back, I open her the window. But you... you didn't answer. She brings nothing to me now. I give her an owl treat again, and I lay in my bed, saying to myself that I really need to sleep.

But then, I hear something knocking on the window. A beautiful, white owl. Your owl.

I'm just reading some Quidditch magazines. You know, the usual. And you, what are you doing?

Oh, and I sent Hedwig because I don't want your owl to get too tired. I thought it was fair to switch them for a bit.

H

So you did answer back. My instincts were right, after all.

I'm just gazing at the Moon. You know, the usual.

Good idea about switching the owls.

And you know... it's nice to have someone to talk to at 3 a.m.

L

And then Hedwig leaves, with an owl treat in its beak. As I wait for your answer, I re-read all the notes you sent me that night, and I smile. My smile grows bigger when I see that you replied to my message again.

Oh yes, the Moon is very lovely tonight. I was staring at it for some moments, too.

And yeah, it's nice to talk to someone this late in the night. I usually don't stay awake until this hour, but I made tonight an exception. Dunno why, though.

Hey, I think it's better if we try and go to sleep, don't you agree? We need to rest.

H

So he had stared at the Moon, too. I'm glad. Now I need to answer back.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I'll try and rest... if I can, anyway. I don't know if my mind will allow me.

L[/i]

And here comes your answer again...

Well, I think I'll just stop reading and stare at the ceiling, to see if I manage to fall asleep.

Kiss,

H

Okay, now I have to answer, and send him my last message tonight. But what shall I say?

You know, I think I'll just do the same thing, too.

Yeah, it's good for a start.

Good luck in trying to sleep!

Now for an ending...

Nighty night, Harry. Sweet dreams just for you.

L

Wait. Luna, have you gone mad? I say to myself. Yes, I think I am indeed mad. If I send that, he might understand that I lik-- damn. I can't say it like that! I must find another way to say it. But then that little voice inside my head will keep torturing me...

Send that. Don't change it.

I can't. He'll find out, I can't let that happen.

Why? I thought you wanted him to know.

I do, yes, but... it's too soon. I'm not even sure if I like him this much.

You do.

But...

Send it that way.

And that's exactly what I'll do. That's exactly what I'm doing right now. As I watch Hedwig flying away, I understand that I shouldn't have written it that way, that maybe I should have been less explicit. But now I can do nothing but wait, and torture myself for having written that.

But you answered. And I don't know if I'll reply to whatever you might have wrote on that parchment.

As I give Hedwig one last treat, I prepare myself to open the little piece of parchment that you sent.

And I open it. There's nothing written on it: the parchment is nothing more than a wrapping for a little flower that is inside. I believe that it is one of those flowers that the house elves put in every dorm, but it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you answered.

"You can go now," I say to Hedwig. If there's one thing I'm sure of, is that that owl flies as gracefully as its owner.

I look at the flower you just gave me. It's so simple, so small, so normal, and yet so beautiful. And I know just where I'll keep it.

I grab the book that is under my bed - Powerful Witches and Their Secrets - I keep it there so it doesn't get colourless because of the sun. Then, I carefully place your flower inside of it, in the middle pages, so it will remain the same for a long time. I like to keep my memories, and this is one of them now.

There's nothing I can do now, except to lie in my bed and think of you. Right now, I'm trying to understand why you sent that flower. Did you sent it because you thought it was better to do it, after the message I wrote you? Did you just want to be nice? Or did you just sent it because you wanted to?

Until they get an answer, these questions will keep tormenting me. And I will have to bear that torment. I am going to bear it. I'm going to bear it, until the day that everything will burst. Until the day that I'll confess my feelings. Until the day that I have to step away because you may not want me like I want you.

And that's my emotional state now, Harry. I'm afraid of asking Hermione if you have a girlfriend because she might say yes, or even worse, she might say that it's her. I'm afraid that someday you will have someone else to confide your crazy thoughts to, and the only things you might say to me are hello, good morning, and good evening. I'm afraid that I may not ever see you after school. I'm afraid that Voldemort might... do something to you, and that you'll never be the same again.

I'm afraid of countless things, Harry.

I'm afraid you might reject me because of how strange I am. I'm afraid you won't want me because of the things I have hidden. I'm afraid that if you want me, you will deny it because of what the whole school would say. But from all the things I'm afraid of, I think that my biggest fear is to love you, and not be loved in return. Because I don't know what I will do if that happens. So I guess that for now, all I can do is to wait.

And to have hope. Hope that someday you'll care about me like I care for you. Hope that we can become more than just friends. Hope that in our future nocturnal meetings we will do something more than just talk. Yes, I hope those things may happen, because those are the only things I can do now. To wait, and to have hope.

Oh yes. Loads of hope.

~~~~~~~