- Rating:
- R
- House:
- Astronomy Tower
- Genres:
- General
- Era:
- Multiple Eras
- Spoilers:
- Philosopher's Stone Order of the Phoenix
- Stats:
-
Published: 06/20/2003Updated: 10/14/2003Words: 12,755Chapters: 8Hits: 3,326
A Forever Love
Dani_elle
- Story Summary:
- Krystal Montague (an unknown Hogwarts student - until now) relives her years at Hogwarts along side of Harry Potter and her other friends. She tells us where the school gang is now and how the boy who lived made an impact on her life.
Chapter 05
- Chapter Summary:
- Krystal has nowhere left to turn...
- Posted:
- 07/02/2003
- Hits:
- 298
- Author's Note:
- No, I'm not suicidal... the CHARACTER may be, not me, though. Stop asking, please. It's annoying.
Chapter Five: Coming Clear
I spent all of that night in the common room thinking about Harry. I spent most of that time sobbing over the fact that the stupid kiss shared by Draco and myself may have completely destroyed my relationship with Harry.
For the next month or so, I could be found walking in a daze. I felt so empty. I wouldn't even look at Draco and Harry wouldn't dare look at me. I was only half there. Half of myself was in my classes and half of myself was taking the potions exams we so frequently got and eating lunch and even sleeping at night. The other half had been swept away as quickly as those few prized friends (and Harry...) had been taken from me. No, not taken... I let them go. It was my fault, after all. I knew it... and I hated myself for it. Roxeanne and Hermione didn't talk to me because I hurt Harry. I had no one to talk to. I didn't have Harry, Draco, Roxeanne or even Hermione. Ron, Harry's friend, had already showed me what he thought of me (supposedly after Harry told him of what I did) so confiding in him wasn't even an option. I was alone. Completely and utterly alone.
Three months must have gone by this way. I really wasn't sure. I was in a pathetic state. I was hardly eating and my social life... well, that was gone. So I finally decided. What point did I have to live? My existence was making, not only myself, but also others around me miserable. Nobody liked me, so what was I supposed to do? I thought I knew a solution. It was perfect. Why live if there is no point to life, right? So that cold January night I stayed up constructing a well thought suicide note. Why not? I thought. I don't have anything to live for! No friends, no Harry... not even Draco. My life had become pointless and, as said before, I was a pathetic mess.
I finished the note. I'd rather not tell you what was written in it... just harsh memories. Horrible feelings and such... nothing too pleasant. Well, I was ready. Or so I thought...
I'd taken up my wand. I figured a simple 'Avada Kedavra' would do it. I didn't want anything too painful. Yes, I was quite the coward for somebody who was brave enough to even consider suicide. But, this was my way out. I slowly picked up my wand, pointing it straight at my heart. I took in a deep breath and winced. Here goes... you can do this Krystal. Make the pain stop. All I could think about was that it was going to be over soon. There would be no more pain and nothing left to worry about.
"Avada Keda-"
"STOP!" I heard a voice shriek. "KRYSTAL! DON'T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SPELL - DON"T YOU DARE!" I opened my eyes and let out a small sigh.
"Roxeanne, let me be. Just let me be... Let me end this while I still have the courage alright?" I told her with tears in my eyes. I was partly relieved she had come down at that time. The truth was, I was frightened. I didn't want to die... I just thought it would be easier. I was still determined to do it. Make it quick and painless... but my courage was wearing away quickly.
"Krystal..." Roxeanne said, slightly calmer seeing how I lowered my wand for a moment. "Please don't do this. Just THINK about what you're doing for a minute! PLEASE!"
I couldn't stand this any longer. "STOP ROXEANNE!" I screamed out. "My life isn't worth anything to you... I KNOW! So let me just finish this so I won't be a bother to anyone and I won't have to live with this pain, OKAY? Because you have no idea... NO IDEA what I feel when you and Hermione scowl at me behind my back!" I said, voice shaking. I felt my eyes begin to tear. "You have NO IDEA what it's like knowing that the only people you ever really trusted or cared about HATE YOU and it's MY FAULT. I KNOW IT'S MY FAULT! I WAS STUPID AND I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE SO LET ME BE! LET ME JUST DO IT! NOW TURN AWAY IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE BECAUSE I'M READY TO DIE NOW WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! I'M FINALLY READY FOR THE PAIN TO END AND YOU AND HARRY WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN I'VE CAUSED EVER AGAIN!"
"BUT YOU'RE CAUSING MORE PAIN!" she shouted back. I stopped, too shocked to say anything. "We DO care, Krystal! Whether YOU like it or not, we DO care! Yes, you hurt Harry... and that hurt us all because you were so... I DON'T KNOW! You were so kind and you never hurt anyone... but you hurt Harry. Harry! The boy we thought you cared for more than ANYONE! So we, I, for that matter, believed you really DIDN'T care! I felt you didn't care for anyone at all anymore, including MYSELF! BUT I NEVER STOPPED CARING ABOUT YOU! I'VE SEEN YOU LATELY... YOU'RE NOT HEALTHY! YOU NEVER EAT ANYMORE AND YOU DON'T SPEAK A WORD! I'M WORRIED AND SCARED BECAUSE I CARE! YOU'VE BEEN MY BEST FRIEND FOR FIVE YEARS, GOD DAMNIT! DON'T DO THIS KRYSTAL! I CARE AND I'M HERE SO... PLEASE!"
I dropped my wand, hands shaking. I fell to my knees and sobbed. I sobbed like the pathetic fool I was. My wand was only inches away from my fingers. I can still do it, I thought. It's not too late! C'mon Krys... reach for the wand. You want to... c'mon it's not too late. And just as my fingers reached out to re-grip my wand, another hand already had. Startled, I looked up to find Roxeanne with my wand. She tossed it to the other side of the room. I felt weaker than ever. I was vulnerable... sobbing... a mess! And there was my wand - my only one-way ticket out of the mess I was in - at least ten meters away.
"No!" I sobbed. "Give it back!" My crying was only making me feel weaker and worse. But then -
"Krystal, please..." Roxeanne had kneeled down next to me. She embraced me... embraced me like a sister, almost. It was the caring feeling I'd been longing for... and here it was. And finally I realized that this was better than killing myself. She DOES care. She's... My eyes widened to realize that Roxeanne was crying. Realizing this, I hugged back. We sat there for about a minute, just hugging. I still felt pathetic, but it wasn't because I had no friends and my life was pointless anymore... I felt pathetic now because my BEST FRIEND was forced to see me so close to taking my own life.
"I'm sorry Roxeanne! I'm sorry I- I know I hurt everyone... everyone! I'm so sorry... I... I just want it to be over! I want the pain to be gone!" And after a moment of silence, "He hates me, doesn't he?"
This caused Roxeanne to release the hug she had locked around me so tightly. "What?" she asked, almost confused, wiping her eyes. "Who? Harry?"
"YES HARRY! He... well, he hates me, doesn't he?"
"Oh God! Of course he doesn't! You know how many times he's felt GUILTY for your separation? I told him he was ridiculous because, well, it wasn't HIS fault..."
"What? He felt GUILTY? Why? It was ME!"
"I swear that night you told him about what happened between Draco and you... he almost ran and killed Draco! He was furious... not so much at you, but at the fact that you did something to... hurt. Nobody really thought you were capable... all of the arguments around here; you were always the even one. You never took sides and... Well, you always helped us work things out... nobody ever thought that YOU could hurt someone like... Harry. Somebody you cared about so much..."
"I KNOW! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING THAT NIGHT AND I'D DO ANYTHING TO TAKE BACK WHAT I DID! ANYTHING TO HAVE HARRY BACK! You have NO IDEA how much I regret that!"
"We all regret it..."
"I'm so sorry... I never EVER meant to hurt ANYONE! You know that, don't you?"
"Of course... but... you shouldn't tell ME that... tell Harry."
I nodded but I didn't know how I would even get Harry to sit down and listen to me at that point. I was still secretly thinking he hated me and I let out a great gasp of surprise when I heard another voice speak. A male voice...
"No need," he said.
His voice sounded weak, like something was lodged in his throat.
"Who's there?" Roxeanne shouted out. No one was to be seen anywhere. All of a sudden, the large chair by the fire began to become blurry and all at once Harry appeared there, holding his invisibility cloak. "Harry?" Roxeanne shrieked in surprise.
I didn't know what to say, and so I just sat there. I opened my mouth, as if to say something, but I stopped myself as Harry began to walk closer. I was still kneeling and Harry joined me.
"Er... I think I'll go up to bed. You're all right, aren't you now Krystal?" Roxeanne asked, heading for the staircase. I gave a nod, looking at her over Harry's shoulder.
"Yeah," I cleared my throat. "Yeah, I'll... I'll be fine," and Roxeanne turned and went to the girls' dorms. I looked down, not really in the mood to stare at Harry right now. I probably looked horrible and my wand was still all the way across the room.
"Harry..." I began. "Harry... oh, God, Harry I'm SORRY!" I finally exclaimed, feeling like I was about to start crying again. Even if I had to, I don't think I'd be ABLE to cry anymore at that point.
Harry just leaned in and hugged me, "I know... I know. I heard everything."
"E-Everything?" I prayed that he wasn't there the whole time... that he wasn't there when I was about to... to kill myself.
"Yes... everything. I'd have stopped you myself if Roxeanne wasn't here. I thought it would be best, then, to maybe stay and listen to what you had to say. Sorry I didn't show you I was here sooner but... it was... interesting hearing what you had to say."
I nodded, "I understand. I'd have done the same... but... that doesn't make up for anything I did. I don't know how I can expect you to forgive me. I know I hurt you, Harry. And I know I betrayed the trust of just about all of my friends... but I DO love you and I'd do ANYTHING to regain your trust... and... to regain... well, you."
"Do you love him?"