The Silver Cauldron

Chapter 20 - Reflections

The next morning dawned grey and bitter. Rain lashed sullenly against the window and the water in my pitcher was frozen solid. The fire beneath my cauldron had gone out. My body ached all over, presumably from the effects of the Cruciatus curse. I was glad I hadn't learnt that - no one, not even a muggle deserved to suffer that kind of pain. The mark on my arm had faded at little; it was no longer jet black but a pale red. The sight of it evoked feelings of fear and disgust in me; I lent my head against the bedpost and cried.

Lying crumpled at the end of the bed were the remains of the robes he had torn the night before. I picked them up gingerly, remembering how it had felt when he'd touched me, even in anger, how close I had been to changing my mind. The thought of this began another wave of grief, I held the robes to my chest, smelling him in the cloth. I had betrayed everyone for the sake of ambition. Is this what my mother would have wanted? The figures on the cauldron were solid and unmoving. She had taken the easy way out, I thought. On impulse, I picked up one of the knives on my desk. A ceremonial dagger, how appropriate. Sharp steel glinted as I drew it out. A pencil, for drawing red patterns on soft flesh. So perfect and pure. So sharp.

The dagger was knocked out of my hand by a sharp blow. It spun through the air and landed with a sharp clatter on the floor.

"What do you think you are doing?" Snape looked pale and strained. I stared at him blankly.

"Please. Just go away."

"Philoma, haven't you already done enough? Do you want to destroy me completely?"

"It is none of your business."

"That is not the answer. You have to face the consequences of your actions. Death is too easy."

"What would you know about it?"

"Because I tried the same thing." My resolve shattered; tears began to run down my cheeks. I buried my face in the robes again, angry at my own weakness.

"I betrayed you. Why should you care if I die?" There was a long pause. When he spoke again his voice was oddly forced and sharp, metallic.

"You saved my life. I feel it is my regrettable - duty to save yours. Now stop crying, wash your face and I want to see you ready for class at precisely ten past eight. Do you understand?"

"Yes" I said meekly. He turned to go.

"Professor?" I asked. He froze. "Are you going to turn me over?"

"No," he said bitterly. "I do not betray my whores, Miss Almanay." The door shut sharply behind him.

I got into my work robes slowly. I felt even worse than before now; hopelessly guilty. Still, he was right. I had made my own decisions and it was my duty to live with them. All the same, I couldn't face going to breakfast and sitting at the same table as people I had deceived.

Note: Thanks to everyone for your reviews and support. Sorry I haven't been able to reply to those who have left messages - the system doesn't let me reply to posts for some reason. Please continue to write though with all your ideas, criticisms etc. - they're all very helpful!

- Daisie