A Journal of a Sorted Affair

Draco

I've been going to the library trying to run into her for two weeks straight now for two hours after hours each night. But I haven't seen a sign of her. Not a sign. It's as if, after what happened, she doesn't leave her dormitories after hours anymore. But that can't be true. She's always been in the library studying even when there's present danger in the castle. She has never varied from her routine before that night. It makes me wonder if that night effected her as much as it effected me. I've never gone to such lengths to try to meet a girl... I stake out the library of all places... yet, she is rejecting me by not allowing me to find her. Girls have always came to me; she is not like all those girls who flock to me, and that's why I'm still attracted to her.

I know it did effect her. She's still stares at me when she doesn't think I know. I feel her eyes on me... I know it's her eyes... Even when I don't catch her in the act, I know it's her. She always seems to look away as soon as I go to meet her eye. I want to be able to talk to her... no, I want to be able to touch her again.

I want her touch again because she’s the only girl who’s ever made me feel anything but pure lust during sex. But I don’t know what I felt, because I’ve never felt it before.

I wonder was it lust on her part that made her lose herself in my arms? Or was it pure sexual tension from not having known sex before? Couldn’t it have happened with any guy or just me?

If this is revenge on my father, why do I feel like I'm the one being punished by being without her?

Ron

Hermione is avoiding me. I've had my suspicions for a few weeks now, but I know for sure now. I asked her to meet me in the Owlery before lunch today, but she claimed she was spending her lunch in the library studying. I said I'd meet her in the library... she told me not to... not to bother her. Bother her?! I'm her boyfriend, seeing me should not bother her! But I left it alone. Ginny and Harry acted sympathetic during lunch and I couldn't stand it, so I went to the library alone. She wasn't even in there... but somehow I knew she wouldn't be.

Ginny came to find me in the library and told me she thought something was wrong with Hermione. I agree, but I don't know what. Ginny assured me she didn't know what either, but she said it couldn't be something easy. I think I'll try to talk to her again, but this time not take no for an answer. Ginny didn't tell me everything she knew either. I can tell when my own sister is hiding something. She's hiding something; Hermione is hiding something.

Girls are confusing.

Hermione

I avoid the library. I don't want to be reminded of the night with Draco. It's been weeks and he hasn't said a word to me. About anything, but insults. Some of the malice has left the insults and stayed out it seems, but they are still insults. No matter how much I want to, I can't bring myself to talk to him. I can stare at him from afar, but I can't talk to him it seems. Every time I even walk by the library I recall that night, his touch... those feelings. I want to experience them again... I want to experience him again. But I won't lower myself to making the first move.

He doesn't seem to think anything has changed. But something has. I don't know what has, but something has changed. Ginny is acting suspicious of me, but I don't know why. She won't tell me what's wrong. Ron asked to meet me before lunch, I avoided going. Too obliviously. I think he suspects something now. What do I do if I drive away Ron just because I had one night in the library with Draco? Is that one night with Draco worth all the lies, the suspicion, the pain?

It scares me to admit that.. I think the answer is yes.

That night is worth it all.

Draco

My father is angry again. At me. For not being the perfect Malfoy son. He came to Hogsmeade Village this time when we took a trip there this weekend. He met me at the Three Broomsticks and proceeded to tell me I was a failure. Mother just sat here, staring at us. She didn't defend me, but she didn't agree with Father either. No one in the pub seemed to notice my father's yelling, but of course, we are the Malfoys and no one would dare to correct Lucius Malfoy, not if they valued their personal and family's safety. No one talks about it, but everyone believes my family, including myself, is evil and supports of Lord Voldemort. I know my father is a Death Eater, but me? I'm still trying to find myself... I'm still trying to find out who I support. But it'll be a cold day in hell when I do something just because my father tells me to. And he tries to tell me to become an active supporter every time he sees me. Hell, I think that's the only reason he sees me, but to tell me I'm a damn failure.

I think he failed me. But no one, but Voldemort, tells Lucius Malfoy anything, not even his own son. Then again, I'm not a son; I'm a possession to him.

If Lucius Malfoy thinks he can control me, then he is in for a surprise.

I was so angry at Father (and Mother, for her indifference) until I saw her. She was with Potter and Weasley and it was from afar, but at least, I saw her. Seeing her helps... why does seeing her help?

Pansy wants to help... She says she can turn my anger (at whom she doesn't know since I'm not stupid enough to tell anyone about Malfoy business) into passion if I fucked her. I think I will. It's been weeks since I last fucked someone, and I think that it will help clear my head. (Maybe it will get her, the Mudblood, out of my head, too.)

Ron

I feel inhuman. I feel like a jerk. Ginny and Harry were right, I should have just gave her time to come to me. But I was so afraid she wouldn't ever come to me. Now, after, I'm positive she would never have come to me, and now I will never know what is bothering her. I handled it wrong. I lost her... for good.

I followed her to an empty hallway after hours today so that no one could overhear us. I insisted she talk to me, she reluctantly agreed. We found an empty classroom in the hallway so we could talk in private. At first, we were calm and collective, but then she refused to explain her actions and behavior. I got angry at her for avoiding my questions and answering my questions with questions. She tried to say nothing was wrong, nothing had changed. I lost my temper. I told her that I think she's cheating on me and called her a slut. She slapped me across the face and ran out of the room in tears. I just stood there for a few moments trying to regain my senses. When I went to follow her, she was no where to be found, and I honestly didn't know where to start looking if I wanted to.

I really did it this time. I will never be able to fix this. I can't believe I lost my temper. I can't believe I called Hermione a slut and accused her. Hermione, my Hermione. Now I've lost her... I really wasn't trying to hurt her. She's one of my best friends; I love her; I don't want to lose her. My anger, my hurt, got the best of me. I don't know how to make this up to her. I don't know if she'll even let me try to make it up to her. What I wouldn't give to apologize... But to be honest, I wouldn't blame her if she refuses to listen to my apology. I was a jerk -- an inhuman jerk.

What do I do now? How do I ask her to forgive me when I know I don't deserve her forgiveness?

Hermione

I finally talked to Ron today. He followed me and I had to agree to talk to him. I didn't want to talk to him, of course. In an empty classroom, we had a fight. He accused me of cheating on him (which I did, technically... and it makes me feel so guilty. Coming out of his mouth, if makes me feel so... so dirty and like a slut.) When he called me a slut, I slapped him across the face. I ran out of the room in tears, because I knew he was right. I know I owe him more than what I am giving him, but I can't seem to make myself act the same way I did before the night in the library with Draco. Draco Malfoy...

I still can't get Draco out of my head. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get Draco out of my head.

I ran, in tears, to the only place I knew would be likeliest to be empty: the library.

But the library wasn't empty. Draco was standing by some shelves. When he saw me enter, he just stared at me. I tried to wipe my tears, control myself, and look away from him. But his glaze was so strong, I couldn't break it, and soon I just stopped even attempting at collecting myself.

He started to walk towards me, and I walked towards him. I met him in the middle... What happened after that was electric and what I was secretly looking for.

Draco

I was staking the library as I have taken to the last couple of weeks, and I was ready to give up when she walked in. Actually, she ran in. She was crying and clearly upset. It broke my heart to see her so upset. I don’t know why I care, but I do… a lot more than I want to. Seeing her, upset and crying, made all my pretenses of being in the library melt away. I admitted, even just to myself, I had been in the library for that moment. That moment I could touch her again, feel her, kiss her, be with her.

And then she walked in, tear-stained, vulnerable, and... perfect. I started to walk towards her; she started to walk towards me. When we met... neither of us stopped ourselves. Our lips went together in perfect sync as we slanted over each other’s lips again and again. We didn’t take a break until I pulled away, realizing that I had unknowingly pulled her into the circle of my arms. She looked up with me with such sweet innocence, breathing hard from our kissing. I asked her.

I actually asked her if she wanted to go farther. I asked her if she wanted to do what we did the other night, this time with her consent. To my surprise, she laughed shakily, and pulled me back to kiss me again. Slowly, thoroughly, with her tongue exploring my mouth. I took that as a yes and expertly started to discard our clothes. She didn’t protest, but the contact of our lips wasn’t broken again until we had to pull our shirts off (the rest of our clothes already off).

Naked, she stood before me. This time I let myself take her in. She was beautiful with a slender waist, curves, and full breasts. Again, I silently laughed at Weasley for not taking her before (I also silently thanked him for leaving her for me). This time I focused on any part of her body she would let me. She let me do whatever, let me instruct her on what to do. She was perfectly willing and eager. With a small confused “no, I don’t think you should.” she let me have the very heat of her. She soon lost control, and I think I can safely say she enjoyed herself and would have disliked it immensely if I listened to her at first. Before I left her heat, she was saying, “yes, please, more.”

This time when I came into her, I didn’t hurt her. I made sure I was slow at first, every moment soft, slow, and shallow, but she wouldn’t let me continue. She met each of my movements and I couldn’t stop myself from increasing the pace.

Afterward, we laid on the blanket she had conjured up in the middle of the dark library’s floor, satisfied and spent. Neither one of us said a word, but I knew I had to leave. If I didn’t leave soon who knew what I would say...

She had affected me more this time.

She took me to a place no woman ever has before.

Hermione Granger took me to heaven and beyond.

Hermione

He pulled me into his arms as we kissed, and I became aware of all the places we touched. Our lips slanted over each other’s; our thighs pressed together; his arms were wrapped around my waist and his hands stroked down my back; my hands just gripped his shoulders, trying to get him as close as possible. He broke away and asked me if I wanted what he did. My only answer, the only one my body would allow me, was to pull him back to continue kissing, He took off our clothes with ease, as I took my time exploring his mouth with my tongue.

He was just as I remember him. Strong, defined, perfect. I let him look at me since that’s what he wanted to do, but I never took my eyes off his faces. There was no repulsion; there was only... lust and passion. We started the dance of sex, and I conjured up a blanket for us to lay on. Before I realized what was going on, he was at the place no one ever saw... I started to protest, but it didn’t last long when he created such a fire inside me of pleasure with his touch. His strong, gentle touch... I exploded with my pleasure before he moved on. I didn’t want him to go, even in the midst of my pleasure.

I braced myself when I realized he was about to come inside me again. I expected pain like the time before, but only felt complete. I felt a completeness I had never felt before... and pleasure. A sexual, primal pleasure I didn’t know existed until the first night. Together we came and it was better than the first time.

I never knew anything could feel so right. With anyone, let alone Draco Malfoy.

Then without so much as a goodbye, he left me in the library again.

Even though I know this made things even more difficult, having given in and had sex with Draco again, I don’t regret it. Instead, my tears and hurt from the argument with Ron had seemed to disappeared and I could hardly recall why I had gone to the library in the first place. Then I remember; Ron and I broke up and I was a slut. Suddenly I wished Draco had stayed and comforted me rather than leaving me alone and used. At least this time, I didn’t hurt.