Subterfuges

The wind picked up as Lupin moved closer to the hideout. It had been quite a while since Greyback had gone inside, giving him the order to stand guard. It seemed as if the vicious and self-proclaimed leader of the werewolves didn't trust the Death Eaters completely, or perhaps he simply wanted to test Lupin's loyalty and dependability. The sun had set a little while earlier and the shadows crept closer. He wasn't sure what to look out for, but now he could hear voices escaping through a crack in the window. There were Greyback's growling tones, a dry and demanding voice, and...a dark, smooth timbre that Lupin knew only too well. Snape's.

The front door opened suddenly and Greyback strode out, followed by two more figures. Even in the fading light, Lupin recognized Snape. He looked tired and worn. For a moment their gazes locked and they glared silently at each other. Greyback grinned dangerously at the two men, then nodded at Lupin to follow him. It wasn't until they had entered the trees surrounding the cottage that Lupin stopped feeling as if eyes were boring into his back.

Seeing Snape again had vividly brought back to Lupin's mind the accusations made by Harry Potter, the story that he had told them of how Dumbledore had died. Ever since the first time he had heard the details, there was something that felt off. He had been angry, though; furious, bitter and disappointed that Snape would do such a thing. But the niggling thought hadn't left him in the weeks that had passed, and Lupin knew that his mind wouldn't let go of it until he had had a chance to speak with Snape.

A few hours later, a gibbous moon lit Lupin's path, and this time he walked it alone. The air had gone still as darkness fell, and he could hear the rustling of small animals in the undergrowth. Life went on as usual in their world: the hunters killed their prey, the weak fell behind and ended up as dinner, the strong survived and ruled...

Lupin reached the edge of the forest and stopped, letting the shadows hide him from view. He studied the little house for long moments. Inside was the person he needed to talk to, but how to make contact with him? And would he want to talk to Lupin?

He waited, for what felt like an eternity, before his chance arrived. The door opened and a lean figure stole out, then closed the door quietly. It stepped away from the house, a few slow steps that seemed to lead nowhere in particular apart from putting some distance between the man and the dark building. It was now or never, thought Lupin and sneaked closer. He deliberately trod on a branch, and the sharp crack made the shadowy figure freeze.

From the angle at which Snape's elbow was bent, Lupin guessed that he had his wand in his hand. Not wanting to risk a spell cast in his direction that might reveal his presence not only to Snape but to every other creature in the quiet wood, he seized the opportunity, this moment when he had the man's attention, and pointed his wand to a place just in front of where Snape was standing. He concentrated and waved his wand, and delicate plants grew where there previously had been naught but grass. Within seconds, the plants had matured and were in full bloom. Monkshood.

Snape's eyes moved from the Wolfsbane ingredient toward the darkness where Lupin stood, staring with the same intensity that had followed Lupin from the house earlier as he walked away. "Show yourself," he commanded in hushed voice. Slowly, Lupin put away his wand and moved from the shelter of the trees, hands open at his sides to indicate that he carried no weapon.

"Why have you returned?" Snape hissed at the approach, posture changing subtly as beneath his robes his arm shifted in preparation to draw his own wand. "Does Greyback have an additional message for me? Are you his messenger now?"

"I came on my own," Lupin whispered. "I have an important matter to discuss with you, in private."

Snape's face darkened. "If you expect me to protect you from that creature, or to help you supplant him..."

"It's nothing to do with him. Severus, would it not be safer to invite me inside than scowling at me in the open?"

"It would be safer to use Legilimency, take your secrets and Obliviate you." But after a quick glance in every direction, Snape turned toward the small house. "I have not recast the locking spells," he breathed over his shoulder before walking back toward the dark building, plucking at the monkshood on his way as if obtaining ingredients had been his purpose in leaving the house so late.

Lupin waited a few minutes to see whether anyone or anything else was lurking in the shadows of the trees, then crept silently across the path to the door. He half-expected Snape to have lied and used every charm at his disposal to bar Lupin's way, but the handle of the door twisted easily for him, admitting him into a murky parlor. It was not until the door had clicked shut behind him that he heard a whispered "Lumos" that illuminated his way toward the unlit fireplace. Snape was standing still as a statue, as if Petrified beside the hearth.

"You are an even greater fool than I had suspected," he growled at Lupin in a low voice. "What could have induced you to return?"

Inhaling the musty air of the cottage, whose windows were covered by heavy curtains, Lupin again forced his hand to unclench from his wand. He turned his palms up toward Severus, hoping to indicate his accommodating intentions. "I have been a fool," he agreed. "I made a mistake once. With Sirius. I was told that he was a murderer; all the evidence seemed to prove it and I didn't question it. He was my best friend, yet I believed that of him. And an innocent man went to jail, and a guilty man escaped to bring his master back to power." Seeing that he had Snape's attention, he took another a deep breath. "I will not risk making the same mistake again, Severus."

"Have you come here merely to ask me whether what Potter has told everyone is true?" Lupin nodded, wishing that he could see Snape's expression more clearly in the dim room. "For once, it is. I used the Killing Curse. An Unforgivable Curse, Lupin." Despite the darkness, a bright, bitter gleam flickered in the depths of Snape's eyes, and Lupin found himself wondering whether anyone was likely to find that curse as unforgivable as Snape himself. "So there has been no mistake. There is no other guilty party. I killed the headmaster."

It was a shock to hear Snape call Dumbledore by that title, the only name he spoke with respect greater than he reserved for "the Dark Lord." And there was no doubting the agony on Snape's face, akin to the madness in Sirius' eyes on all the posters that had proclaimed his escape from Azkaban. Though it was difficult for Lupin to regard such pain, the familiarity gave him a faint, wild hope.

"That isn't what I was asking," he insisted. "I know you spoke the curse. But Harry said you murdered Dumbledore -- that you joined forces with the Death Eaters the night of the attack. He said that Draco had him cornered, and other Death Eaters came onto the scene, and that Dumbledore was pleading with you when you killed him." Lupin stopped to gather his thoughts, waiting to see whether Snape would contradict him. "It's the word pleading that gives me pause. I can't imagine Albus Dumbledore pleading for his life. Not from any of the Death Eaters. Certainly not from you."

"It's amazing, isn't it, what any man will do when he believes that he is about to be killed," scoffed Snape, not meeting his eyes. "I'm told that James Potter..."

"Shut up, Severus," barked Lupin. He would not let Snape distract him as Snape had distracted Harry by ridiculing his father. "Albus Dumbledore was not 'any man.' I do not believe that he was begging you to spare him. What was he asking you to do?"

Snape's expression was inscrutable once more. "You seem to have your own theories, Lupin. Why don't you tell me?"

"I think..." Hesitating, Lupin stepped closer to Snape, who did not shirk away but stood his ground with his chin tilted defiantly. If his supposition was right, it was of the utmost importance that no one overhear -- no one who could report to Voldemort, as Snape had, years earlier, when according to Harry he had revealed the information that had sent the hateful wizard after James and Lily Potter. "I think," he continued, "that Dumbledore was asking you to kill him."

Snape let out a revolted cough so quickly and so loudly that Lupin knew he had anticipated the response. "You don't believe that Dumbledore would have begged for his life, but you believe that he would have pleaded to be killed? Quickly? Cleanly? By someone he knew? Then you do believe that in the end, he was a coward like any other..."

"I believe that he would have pleaded to be killed by you rather than Draco Malfoy," Lupin cut in quietly. "Before Draco could follow his father into murder -- or before a Death Eater could report Draco's failure and cost him his life. I believe that Dumbledore would have chosen to be killed by someone who had already confessed to having blood on his hands. Harry said that Dumbledore pleaded with you, not with the others. I'm quite certain that he would not have begged you to save him in front of so many Death Eaters, knowing that your life would be forfeit if you obeyed. But he would have asked you to kill him, knowing that in doing so, you would spare Draco and secure your place as Voldemort's most trusted servant just when Harry needs someone in that role who is sworn to protect him."

The loathing in Snape's stare was too direct to be feigned even by an Occlumens of his skill. "What in Merlin's name makes you think I would ever have sworn to protect Harry Potter?"

"Two reasons," said Lupin calmly. "One is that Dumbledore trusted you completely. He would not hear a word spoken against you even by those who had legitimate reasons to distrust you. He was no fool -- a display of remorse alone would not have convinced him that you had switched sides from the Death Eaters. You must have said something in his presence with the weight of a vow." Stony silence greeted his supposition, and Lupin thought that he must have been close to the truth.

"But the other reason, which is more important, is that Dumbledore would not have asked you to take up your position as a spy again if he believed you did it solely out of hatred or anger. The only thing Dumbledore believed to be powerful enough to withstand the Dark Lord is love. And while I know you can barely stand to be in the presence of James's son, once I thought about what Harry had told us -- that Dumbledore had trusted you because you were sorry you got the Potters killed -- I recalled that the only person at school I ever actually thought you liked was Lily Evans. Harry thinks you hated her -- you called her a Mudblood? -- but the two of you were the best Potions students in our year and I know you spent time together. To have learned that you were responsible for her death...I can't imagine what that must have been like, but I do think you would have promised to defend her son no matter who his father was."

"You presume far too much, Lupin," Snape hissed. "I scarcely knew Evans -- like her husband and son, she had a habit of trying to make other people's business her own." Lupin only shrugged at this; he had not expected Snape to acknowledge any feeling for Lily and was very slightly relieved, for reasons he did not wish to examine, that Snape did not seem to be hiding an unrequited passion for her. "And for the sake of argument, even if what you suppose were in fact true, surely you realize the risk you take by speaking it aloud? What if we were overheard?" The voice filled with the same repugnance with which Snape had always addressed Sirius. "Do you imagine that Albus Dumbledore would have given up his life only to have me trust his secrets to the likes of you?"

"I think he must have realized you might need to trust someone," replied Lupin with another small shrug. "Even if you can't speak of it...with Dumbledore dead by your hand, I imagine that you've become Voldemort's most trusted servant, and you must be privy to many of his plans. I didn't come here to ask you to speak of anything of that nature," he added hastily, holding up a hand to forestall Snape when it appeared that he would silence him. "If Voldemort wants to bring down bridges and blow up buildings, I know you can't interfere. But you look terrible, as if you haven't eaten or slept properly in weeks. Whatever potions you've been taking to keep up your strength won't hold you forever. You can't live only on hatred and ambition, sitting at his side, waiting for an opportunity that might take years to arrive -- it will destroy you -- Dumbledore would have known that."

"Hatred and ambition are the strongest possible traits -- you wouldn't understand, Lupin, having been a Gryffindor rather than a Slytherin." The words were said as if by rote; Snape appeared uneasy for the first time, surreptitiously glancing down at himself as if trying to ascertain whether he had, in fact, lost weight. "If you are truly concerned for my health, you must realize that my hatred and ambition have kept me alive. Though if you are hoping for special treatment when the Dark Lord vanquishes Potter, you would do better to focus your attentions on Greyback..."

"Enough pretenses, Severus. Just listen to me. If you die, or lose your mind -- or if you begin to believe in the things Voldemort does, even a little -- everything for which Dumbledore gave his life will be lost. I will do anything that is necessary to stop that." Lupin knew he didn't dare imply that Snape might be weakening, nor that he might lose resolve, but he also believed now that he knew the stakes. "I know I can't possibly offer to share your burden or even understand how it is for you, but if you ever need anyone...if you want someone, in any capacity, you can find me..."

Suddenly he realized how his promise must have sounded, and felt his cheeks reddening. Though Snape likely couldn't see that in the dim room, the implication was so shamefully clear that he jumped at the opportunity. "What exactly is it that you're offering, Lupin?" he inquired in a sarcastic drawl. "Developed a taste for Death Eaters after spending time with Fenrir?" Lupin bit down on the inside of his lip, knowing that Snape could not know the circumstances under which he had first encountered Greyback as a child. "Or are you mad enough to believe that I might have some...interest, in you, after all this time?"

"Let's not play games. You always had interest -- you followed me to the Shrieking Shack on the instructions of your most hated enemy, didn't you?" Beside him Snape tensed uncomfortably, and Remus pushed aside a small thrill he hadn't expected to feel at his sudden understanding of Snape's onetime curiosity and the fierce loathing that had followed. "After spending time with Fenrir, I doubt there's anything you could want of me that I would find disgusting. I wouldn't refuse you."

He could feel the effect his words had on Snape, for the other man stepped back, tugging his robes more tightly around himself and pacing a few steps before the hearth. Several moments passed before he spoke. "You aren't impressed by Greyback, then?" asked Snape in a voice that suggested that on this, at least, they might be in perfect accord. "It's his goal to spread lycanthropy over the world...you don't believe that would be an asset to your kind?"

"Greyback is not 'my kind,'" Lupin snapped. "He preys on children -- you know what he is. Even if you and I were not on the same side, I think that stopping him, and preventing Voldemort from allowing him any more independent power, must be a goal we share."

"Do not presume that you and I are on the same side of anything," Snape retorted sharply. "Fear of Greyback has made many parents more protective of their children than fear of the Death Eaters alone. The Dark Lord is his master." It was not worth Lupin's troubling himself to argue; Greyback supported Voldemort precisely because he believed he would have no master in a world controlled by Death Eaters, but would be free to live and feed as he wished. "And he doesn't trust you. Even if he has not learned that you remained loyal to Dumbledore after you left Hogwarts, he knows that you disagree with his methods and have tried to turn other werewolves against him."

"Then surely he also suspects how you feel about werewolves," said Lupin. "No matter. I didn't come here to hammer out a secret alliance with you. I know that's not possible. But I needed to ask questions this time of the sort I never asked when Sirius went to Azkaban. And I wanted to let you know that I'm here. With the werewolves, far away from the people to whom you don't dare speak. If you ever seek me out, I will ask no questions..."

"What about Nymphadora Tonks? I heard you were in love," Snape interrupted with a sneer.

The wise thing to do would have been to agree with him, thought Lupin, trying not to flinch at the sound of her name. Instead he sighed, oddly relieved to have someone to whom he might unburden himself without fear of hurting her -- there was no one to whom he had dared explain himself within the Order, not after McGonagall had given them her blessing in the infirmary the night Dumbledore died.

"She had a terrible year after Sirius died, you know. She blamed herself." Snape looked as though he might suggest that perhaps she had reason, but whatever he saw on Lupin's face made him drop his eyes. "I didn't blame her at all, of course, and spent a lot of time convincing her that there was nothing she could have done. She wanted to believe me...and then she fancied herself in love with me. I think she misunderstood what she was feeling."

"Her Patronus changed shape," Snape reminded him. "I saw it when she sent a message to Hogwarts."

"She changed. She had always been bright, and talkative, and mischievous -- sometimes argumentative -- she loved to fly, she had a sense of humor about her clumsiness. She's happier now than she was a few months ago, but she's still not the same. I think she sees me as someone else who's sometimes a stranger to the body he wears -- she thinks I understand her, and perhaps I do. But I think she's making a mistake believing that what she needs will come from outside. She'll find the right person when she's rediscovered herself, not the other way around."

"That sounds like a convenient excuse," came the reply, though with less venom than Lupin might have expected from Snape. "You don't believe in the transformative power of love? As -- as Dumbledore did?"

The slight hesitation did not escape Lupin's attention. "I do believe in it," he said fervently. "That's how I know I'm not the right person for Tonks, nor could ever have been...do you believe in it, Severus?"

Abruptly Snape tilted his head toward the window, listening in the direction of the deep woods. "It is time that you departed," he said brusquely. "You've stayed too long already." With an inclination of his head, Lupin started toward the door, knowing that he had pressed as far as he dared. But when he reached the edge of the circle of light, Snape said, "Wait."

"What is it?"

He received no answer, but he could hear Snape shuffling around in the dark corner beyond the hearth. A moment later the footsteps shifted toward Lupin and he felt a small bottle being pressed into his palm.

"I doubt Greyback has ever benefited from Wolfsbane potion of this quality," he said in a hard voice that sounded to Lupin partly prideful and partly ashamed. "There is no need for you to suffer at the full moon. Now you have an explanation if anyone discovers your presence here."

The tips of Severus' fingers brushed across his own as Lupin closed his hand around the bottle. His throat felt tight, and he had to swallow before he could speak: "Thank you." Perhaps Snape merely wanted to make certain that there was not another bloodthirsty werewolf prowling the forest so close to his hideout, but Lupin did not think that or the need for a story to explain his visit were the only reasons for the gift.

"Now go. Do not return unless you are ordered to do so. If I require your company, I will find you."

"I understand." There was more that he suddenly wished to convey, but those were the only words he dared speak as Snape caught his arm and escorted him through the darkness to the doorway. It was brighter outside beneath the swollen moon, and Lupin caught a final glimpse of black eyes watching him before the door swung shut.

Smiling, he raised his wand and made the garden wolfsbane disappear.