Rating:
R
House:
Astronomy Tower
Ships:
Lucius Malfoy/Severus Snape Remus Lupin/Severus Snape
Characters:
Lucius Malfoy Remus Lupin Severus Snape
Genres:
Drama
Era:
Multiple Eras
Spoilers:
Order of the Phoenix
Stats:
Published: 07/03/2004
Updated: 10/02/2004
Words: 60,355
Chapters: 11
Hits: 17,934

Tea and Chocolate

Cruisedirector

Story Summary:
Molly Weasley has had enough of watching two unhappy men avoid each other.

Chapter 11

Chapter Summary:
"Monster" is a relative term.
Posted:
10/02/2004
Hits:
1,306
Author's Note:
Written with Ashinae.

When the knock startled Remus from the map he was making, he looked up with a smile. He had not expected to see Severus until the weekend, but urgent business sometimes brought the potions master to Grimmauld Place, and then he always managed to find a few hours for them to spend together even if he had essays to mark and a dormitory of unruly Slytherins to oversee.

"It's not locked," called Remus, hastily putting the map on the table and whispering "mischief managed." Privately he noted that he needed to think of a new phrase before allowing anyone else in the Order to see his handiwork. To his surprise, Albus Dumbledore stepped into the room. The headmaster of Hogwarts smiled in greeting, but his shoulders were hunched.

A cold terror formed in Remus' belly -- *something must have happened to Severus, please let him be safe*. He found his own feet frozen, making him incapable of the hospitality he knew he should offer. "Headmaster," he stammered. "What a surprise. Please, come sit down."

Dumbledore was glancing around, smiling at the books on shelves and the chocolate in the cabinet, when Remus' expression seemed to give him pause. With widening eyes he waved Remus back down to the sofa. "Please don't get up. I found myself in the mood for a cup of hot chocolate, and I thought that perhaps you would like one as well."

Greatly relieved, Remus returned the smile. "I don't think I have ever refused a cup of hot chocolate." With his wand he brought a pot and cups flying across the room to the table, but before he could fetch the kettle from the fireplace, Dumbledore had pulled a tiny phial from his pocket and dropped a minute amount of its contents into the pot, which instantly filled with bubbling cocoa.

"Would you like marshmallows?" No sooner had Remus nodded than they appeared, floating on top of the sweet-smelling liquid that was already making his mouth water. Sitting on the sofa, Dumbledore filled one of the cups and passed it over to Remus, though when his own cup filled, the marshmallows remained behind. "I find that lately they stick in my teeth," he lamented.

Summoning a spoon, Remus dunked one of the marshmallows and scooped it up with some of the swirling liquid so that he could blow on it. "I like to eat them first," he laughed, a bit embarrassed at the headmaster's scrutiny. "Severus finds it rather juvenile."

Dumbledore gazed into his cup as if he expected to read the bubbles the way one might read tea leaves. "Severus has never been one to indulge himself," he observed. "Still, he has seemed far more content than I recall seeing him in all these many years." Remus blushed at the implication, but Dumbledore was not bashful; he winked, glancing up for a moment with one open eye, before he went back to studying his drink. "This is a great consolation -- I must remember to keep a supply of chocolate on hand. Did Severus inform you that he might be away on Order business?" When Remus nodded again, the older wizard's expression changed. "I'm afraid I may have asked him to take on a responsibility that he should have been spared."

Despite the hot chocolate, the cold fear that had seized Remus a few minutes earlier returned. "Severus knows what's at stake for the Order," he recited, wishing the words sounded less automatic. "We've all been kept very busy this month. Severus is holding up perfectly well."

Nodding, Dumbledore took a sip of his hot chocolate. "You're looking much stronger as well," he noted. "Is it only an appearance, or are you feeling stronger?" This was not a query likely to lead to a pleasant conclusion, but Remus forced himself to nod. "I'm very glad to hear it. And I'm glad to see that you and Severus have been able to put aside your past differences so completely, as he and Sirius were never able to do. I recall the wording of your letter of resignation; I don't believe you left Hogwarts entirely of your own choosing."

"No, I didn't. But I understood his...the fear. I didn't take the potion; I could have killed a student. The responsibility was my own."

Dumbledore nodded, but his eyes were hooded, troubled. "When I spoke to young Mr. Potter last spring after the terrible events at the Ministry of Magic, he seemed determined to believe that Professor Snape was entirely to blame for Sirius' death."

These pointed remarks were quite unlike Dumbledore. Was he trying to remind Remus that he and Severus had been adversaries for much longer than they had been lovers, to ease some loss? Anger flared briefly in Remus' voice as he replied, "A lot of things should have happened differently last spring."

"Yes." The headmaster's voice was heavy with regret, and he paused before continuing. "I am afraid *that* responsibility must fall upon myself." Remus shook his head, on the verge of saying, as he had said to Severus, that they should have been past any question of blame, but Dumbledore cut him off. "I was not speaking only of the past. Whatever Severus has done, it has been in an effort to follow my directives. He will tell you that he chooses freely, and willingly, for the good of the Order, and he may even believe it. Perhaps if I were ignorant of the cost to him, I might believe it as well. There is too much at stake for me to interfere, and I dare not even question him about the details, but I daresay he does not find them pleasant."

Malfoy -- Dumbledore was speaking of Malfoy, realized Remus, envisioning with sickening clarity where Severus must have been and what he must have done. He remembered Severus' warnings to him and his own promise that no matter what happened, it would change nothing between them. But privately, the images clawed at his mind: Lucius Malfoy, his fellow Slytherin's first lover, who had known Snape intimately for years, and who had the dark magic of the Dark Lord to summon as well as his private hold on Severus. There was no question of infidelity to forgive; Severus did not go to Malfoy of his own choosing, had little choice in the deception. And if he voluntarily returned to a scarred and battered werewolf after a night with a preternaturally beautiful, wealthy man who could offer him the world, Remus could only believe that Severus must truly want him.

"I know he doesn't find them pleasant," Remus said to the headmaster. "Though he doesn't like to talk about it. I think that he's afraid I'll judge him, or I'll leave him, if he admits too much." When Dumbledore frowned as if his worst fears had just been confirmed, Remus picked up the teapot, which felt warm and solid in his hand, refilling both his own mug and the elder wizard's. "Severus warned me that I would not want to know everything about him. I think he feels ashamed, not so much of his present activities, but of the choices he made in the past that have brought him to them. I'm not certain there's much I can do but stay here until he understands that I am not going to leave."

Dumbledore closed his eyes, inhaling the scent of the hot chocolate in a feeble attempt to disguise a sigh of relief. When he looked at Remus, however, it was with sorrow in his eyes, and Remus thought that although the headmaster usually seemed ageless, his face now looked old and tired. "It must have been terribly difficult for you with Sirius. I have seen what exposure to dementors can do -- even after only brief contact, there can be a loss of joy in life and an expectation of unhappiness in the future. Sirius was wrongfully imprisoned for more than ten years. I cannot imagine the pain he carried with him from Azkaban."

Within this very room, Sirius had paced like a caged animal, lashing out at Remus, cursing Dumbledore...it had been terribly difficult, terribly painful to watch. "I'm afraid you have had to take on much of the unhappiness of those close to you," the headmaster added, watching him with a concerned, unhappy expression. "Sometimes it is an unfortunate price of being a survivor, and having to be the strong one. Apart from Molly Weasley, you may be the only one of us who has managed to keep Harry Potter's trust."

"I don't think Harry's very happy with me right now," admitted Remus, managing a faint grin; he could not imagine telling the headmaster about the scene with Harry in the astronomy tower and the name-calling and bitterness that had preceded the boy's grudging acceptance. "I may have told him more about myself and his godfather than he wished to know."

"I have observed that Harry becomes much more upset over the things he is *not* told than the things he is," Dumbledore said serenely. "He may not have liked what you had to say, but he will respect you for having told him. Small blessings may be all we have, but we do have many of them." Remus smiled in agreement, but the peacefulness was already fading from Dumbledore's expression. "I must tell you, Remus, that it may be difficult for Severus to see you now. We've both seen how he can lash out when he's been injured, and not always at the person responsible."

"I know." Lupin nodded. "We talked about that. I know he may need some time."

"Is that what he told you?" Slowly shaking his head, Dumbledore leaned forward. "I am wary of interfering, but I think that perhaps you should not allow too much time to pass." He sighed. "You and I *are* overdue for a cup of hot chocolate and a chat, but I cannot pretend that was my only reason for coming here. Severus asked me to warn you. He believes that he has placed you in danger from Malfoy."

"Severus has been telling me almost from the start that our relationship puts me in danger."

"I'm afraid that at the present time he may be right. You know what kind of a man Malfoy is, even if Severus does not always choose to see it. Malfoy's belief in Severus' loyalty has given the Order a chance to learn of the Death-Eaters' plans, but I often ask myself whether it is fair to Severus. I will not interfere, because it is his own choice to go, but if he came to me with this warning then he must believe the threat to be quite serious."

But why had Severus not warned Remus himself? As a rule, the potions master tried at all costs to avoid involving the headmaster in any matter where it was not essential, whether it was a matter of student discipline at Hogwarts or a threat that might affect the entire wizarding world. For Snape to have gone to Dumbledore over a matter so personal, he must have found himself truly unable to face his lover. "I should go and see him at Hogwarts," Remus said, musing aloud, though Dumbledore nodded as soon as the words were out. "Before any more time passes, because he will be vulnerable too."

"I think it might be wise. And it might be safest if we traveled together." Without even speaking a spell, Dumbledore waved his hand and the hot chocolate disappeared, the cups cleaned themselves and all the items flew back to their places on shelves as if they had never been used. "If it's all right with you, I would like to leave as soon as possible. I must agree that this threat is not only to you." Remus would have gotten his cardigan at once, but the headmaster smiled at him. "Why don't I meet you in the library in ten minutes."

"The library then." As Remus attempted to smile back, Dumbledore walked serenely to the door and let himself out of the room. Remus opened a drawer to find a box of muggle chocolates, checked to make certain that he had his wand and scribbled a quick note for Moody to tell him of his progress in charting the latest raids. A moment later he was out the door, heading to the library and from there to see Severus.

The halls of Hogwarts were nearly deserted when Remus left Dumbledore's office by way of the magical staircase, for the students were meant to be at dinner. Still, he might have guessed that he would run into a Gryffindor Prefect and student known for bending the rules on occasion. "Professor Lupin!" Hermione Granger called in plain delight, hurrying toward him down the hall, while behind her came Harry Potter, looking a bit apprehensive as well as surprised. "I hope everything's all right?"

"Yes, yes, everything's fine, I've just come for a visit." He hesitated, unsure whether a further explanation was called for; Harry would certainly suspect that he had come to see Severus, but he was uncertain what Hermione might believe until she blushed faintly, averted her eyes and began to back away just as quickly as she had approached. So Harry *had* told her, Remus thought wryly, or she had guessed on her own, as Severus had thought she might. He gave her a warm smile and would have spoken when Harry interrupted his thoughts.

"We were on the way to the library. Snape's gone mad -- he expects us to do *eight* rolls of parchment on binding potions." Glumly Hermione nodded to confirm this. Glancing back at Harry, who was biting his lip, Remus had the sense that his anxiety was not simple displeasure that his surrogate godfather planned a liaison with a disliked teacher. "He's been off his head this week. He gave *Malfoy* detention for spilling a little fixative powder, and made him serve it helping Filch disinfect the bathrooms." There was a flicker of glee on Harry's face for an instant before he grew serious. "*Is* everything all right?"

Remus was about to smile brightly when he remembered Dumbledore's words about Harry being far less resentful of being told bad news than believing that it was being hidden from him. "I'm not certain," he admitted with a sigh. "But, Harry, it has nothing to do with you, and there is nothing you can do about it, so please don't worry yourself, all right?"

"Whenever anything's the matter around here, it always seems to lead back to me," Harry said darkly. Remus would have smiled at the self-importance of the words had they not been so heartfelt.

"In this case I'm afraid that the problem stems from something that began well before you were born, and did not originate with Voldemort. But it's all going to work itself out. The best thing you can do for Professor Snape and for yourself is to write a truly impressive essay on binding potions."

Remus heard Snape's name being muttered again and again as he made his way toward the dungeon. "...gave the whole Hufflepuff team detention...heard he absolutely tortured the third years...supposedly told off Flitwick because we didn't know any fire-quenching charms..." It had not been unusual to hear students complaining about their potions teacher during his own time teaching at Hogwarts, he recalled with a ghost of a smile, but things were different now, and it seemed quite apparent to him that his lover must be suffering.

He expected to find Severus in his office, where the professor often spent the evenings reading or marking essays, but the door was locked. For a moment he tried to think where else Severus might have gone. Then, suspicious, he tried the door again and discovered that in addition to an ordinary lock it had been sealed with several charms. Knocking cautiously, he called out, "Severus?"

There was a seemingly endless pause, during which Remus was quite certain that Severus would ignore him. He could not afford to make any sort of racket shouting for him, and was on the verge of finding a quill to slip a note beneath the door when the familiar voice -- heavy with deliberate irritation that did not quite disguise its apprehension -- came from the other side of the heavy frame. "Why are you here, Lupin? I'm not well."

The initial pleasure at being acknowledged faded almost immediately when it became apparent that Severus still did not intend to open the door. "I came to see you," Remus called in to him. "I received your warning, and I was concerned. Let me in; I'll make you tea and help you with your lessons."

"I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. You should return home; you'll be safer there."

The coldness in the tone made Remus flinch, and he could not repress a pang of fear that perhaps being with Malfoy had changed things between them after all. Death-Eater though he might have been, Lucius' charisma was undeniable, and Severus' feelings for him went back many long years. "Open the door," demanded Remus, changing tactics. "Please, Severus. I need to see you."

No response but silence greeted him for so long that Remus was considering drastic action -- obliterating the locking charms, or banging on the door loudly enough to attract attention -- when the door swung partway open. Cautiously Remus pushed it wide enough to step through, looking around for Severus, but he was neither at his desk nor by his shelves. Instead he sat hunched on the floor near the fireplace, not even looking in Remus' direction.

"Thank you," said Remus, walking over to his lover and sitting across from him. "Tell me what I can get you. Tea? Chocolate?" Reaching into his pocket, he held some out, but Severus shook his head. "Did you have dinner?"

"I'm fine," Severus snapped in his most annoyed tone. "And you sound exactly like Mrs. Weasley." The remark might have been calculated to sting but it made Remus smile; deep down, he was certain, Severus was fond of Molly and had a good deal of respect for her as well. Though the potions master kept glowering for another several seconds, his shoulders were already sagging in defeat, and he broke eye contact, staring into the fire.

"If I can't get you anything, may I just sit here with you?" Remus took silence as assent, and sat quietly at Severus' side. "I've been worried about you. I wish there had been something I could have done."

"It would have been safer if you had stayed away." The words sounded automatic, like something recited as much for Severus' own benefit as for Remus', but they were clearly not easy for him to say. "I was careless. I thought I had removed all avenues of risk, which was both arrogant and foolish. Now Malfoy knows that you and I have been lovers, and that I have associated you with disloyalty to the Dark Lord."

"Don't speak in the past tense. And I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that last."

"He knows..." Severus' words came with difficulty. "That when I touch you, sometimes, I cannot feel the Dark Mark. So he knows that..." His voice had dropped so low that Remus could barely hear his muttered conclusion. "I love you."

"Oh. Severus." Only the tense, shamed posture of his lover kept Remus from throwing his arms around him, kissing him, possibly weeping, Yet he had to do something, so he settled for grabbing Severus' hand, squeezing it tightly. "If Malfoy's knowing has put you or the Order at risk, then I am truly sorry. But I'm not afraid of him. I *want* him to know that I love you and I will not allow you to be hurt." Severus was trying to jerk his hand free, but Remus wouldn't let him. "I'm not going to stay away."

"Please don't touch me." The voice was anguished, the face turned away, recoiling like the hand that slipped from Remus' clasp. "I'm unclean."

"Of course you aren't!" But Severus had pulled his legs up a little, shivering, and wrapped his arms around them as if he were cold. "Please, love, you're going to catch a chill. Let me keep you warm..."

"Lupin. You don't know the things I've done."

"Whatever happened between you and Malfoy, I accept it. I don't need to know specifics but if you want to tell me, I'll accept that too. I had thought you understood that when we talked about it, before. You aren't unclean, and you've done nothing unforgivable."

"You say that because you haven't any idea what you're talking about." The words were snarled in the tone Severus used when he was at his most defensive. "I don't mean Malfoy. I was speaking of the Death-Eaters, years ago. If you had any idea of the things I did...I was a monster."

"Like a creature of the night who would have attacked and killed you when you were still a child?" Remus tried to keep his voice light, but Severus stared at him. "I know how long it took, but you did forgive me for it. And now you have to forgive yourself."

Silence followed for so long that Remus feared Severus might refuse to speak any further and would ask him to leave. Yet just as he thought he could not remain still any longer, clammy fingers closed around his own. "After Black's escape, I wanted so badly to believe that you were involved," Snape murmured. "And when he returned, I was so certain that you were colluding with him...not just that he must have been the criminal we had believed him to be, but that *you* must have been guilty of some crime. I believe I must have allowed my loathing of the wolf to stay with me for all these years because otherwise I would have had to remember what I had done -- things I did, things I chose -- if there is a monster here, you are not he." His voice strangled, and Remus let out a shuddering breath, clutching his hand.

"Stop. Please." Helplessly he let his arms go around Severus' body, less to offer comfort as to keep himself from bursting into tears. "I understand, and always understood, that such things would be in your past. You have nothing to justify to me."

Severus winced, shaking with the effort of holding still, but he did not pull away. "You shouldn't touch me. You shouldn't want to touch me," he whispered. Resting his head against Severus' shoulder, Remus shushed him until Severus fell quiet once more. Again they sat in silence, yet this time there was a sense of comfort as they gradually pressed closer together. "I want," began Severus, and trembled again.

"Anything."

"I want to stay with you." He caught his breath as if he had planned to continue but was afraid of what came next. Remus felt a thrill rush through him, wondering whether the next word might be *tonight* or *forever*, when his lover surprised him even more: "I want to stay when you transform."

"Severus?" Remus lifted his head from his shoulder. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." Then Snape hesitated again. "Unless, of course, you would rather that I did not. I know how the potion works, in theory, but if it is painful for you to have a human so close, if you would rather that I remain away..."

"No -- I just want you to be sure that's what you really want to do." Taking a deep breath to quell his trembling, Remus tried to concentrate on the factual information for him. "It's not painful to be near a human. The urge to hunt is completely suppressed. But the potion works like a powerful sedative. I sleep most of the time, and when I am awake, I'm sluggish. I've never tried to wander as a wolf when I take the potion because I'm not certain I could defend myself. Only a deadly threat can bring me fully conscious."

"That is what concerns me." Again, uncharacteristically, Severus paused. "Will the wolf be able to smell the Dark Mark on me?"

"I honestly couldn't say. But I don't believe I would be prone to attack you. Things are very basic when I'm a wolf. There's no good or evil. Instead there's safety and danger and hunger and comfort and fear."

"And there's no part of you that feels betrayed by me, that might see me as a threat?" Remus shook his head, but Severus remained tense against him. "How can you not sometimes despise me for what I've done? I despise myself for it."

"Because I love you." Severus' arms closed around him so tightly that for a moment Remus had trouble breathing, let alone speaking. "I don't want you to despise yourself, and I don't want you to be afraid for me. Nor of me."

"I am not afraid of you. And I was wrong to be afraid of Malfoy. If he threatens you I will kill him with my bare hands." The words were spoken with shocking vehemence. "And if I am fated to be killed by someone I have loved..." Severus paused. "I would rather it be you. Even as the wolf."

Again Remus found that he had difficulty answering, though this time it was because his throat had closed over. He gripped Severus around the waist, and they sat holding one another. Finally Severus asked in a cautious voice, "With the wolfsbane, do you sleep the entire time? On the bed? Do you remember, afterward?"

"Sometimes on the bed, or curled on the sofa, or on a blanket in front of the hearth. It depends how warm the room is. I can't build up the fire or open a window. There isn't much else to do but sleep -- with the wolfsbane I can remember impressions, whether I was unhappy or afraid, but if you spoke to me about the details of your work, I'd recall none of them." Remus thought Severus looked uneasy, and added, "If you want to think about it, and if you decide you'd rather not, I will certainly understand."

"My only memory of you in that form is not one that I cherish." Severus set his jaw. "I believe it would make me stronger if it could be supplanted."

"Well then...I'll have to be very careful not to start licking myself in front of you." The astonishment on Severus' face very nearly made Remus snicker; instead he smiled as sweetly as he could. "You must understand that when I take the potion, I'm just an oversized wolf. I have ears to scratch, a tail to chase..." For a moment Professor Snape gave Remus the look he turned upon students caught playing a prank. Then, abruptly, he covered his mouth and ducked his head, covering what Remus was certain was uncontrolled mirth. With another sweet smile, he added, "Chasing one's tail is very tiring work."

"You are making this up." Severus shoved him down and hid his face against his shoulder, but Remus could feel that he was shaking with laughter. "*Stop* it."

"Just please don't make me talk about the bum-licking." Alongside him, Severus snorted violently. "It's one thing to do it to someone you care about. But doing it to yourself, this compulsion...it feels wrong down there, you start licking, then all of a sudden you can't stop, and five minutes later you're...*Severus*!" His lover had in desperation begun to tickle him, still shuddering with the closest thing to the giggles of which Remus imagined he was capable. "Stop! Please!"

Minutes later, after Severus finally allowed Remus to uncurl from a twitching ball that yelped and batted away tickling hands, they lay exhausted on the carpet together, fingers loosely entwined. "Did you really assign the sixth years eight rolls of parchments?" Remus asked with another soft laugh.

"How do you know about that?"

"I bumped into Harry in the corridor on the way here. In his own way, I think he's worried about you, although his concern was phrased as fear about his own situation."

"That would be just like Potter, to assume that everyone else's unhappiness revolved around himself." The familiar criticism was spoken without any of the usual venom; Severus' head lolled against Remus' shoulder, entirely relaxed. Then it lifted. "Lupin. Everything Voldemort has done since his return *has* focused on defeating The Boy Who Lived."

The words took a moment to penetrate Remus' half-drowsing mind. "What are you saying?"

"Perhaps, in my own self-absorption, I have failed to see the larger picture." Rubbing a hand over his face, Severus sat up. "Weren't you working on a map? A chart of the most recent raids?"

"I have it right here." Pulling himself upright, Remus reached into the pocket where he had placed it along with his wand. They both watched as he uncharmed the parchment to make the map visible. "I'm not entirely certain whether there's a pattern, but the Death-Eaters seem to be drawing closer to a particular central location. Of course it's difficult to say whether this is a coincidence. I must say that their actions over the past few years have been far from subtle."

Stabbing a finger near the center of the marks, Severus frowned. "This could be Hogwarts. Or Hogsmeade. One would expect them to realize that if they attempt to approach Potter again, Dumbledore could have him sent to a wizarding school in Asia or Australia. But they're not fools -- they very nearly succeeded at the Ministry." He paused, concentrating. "Malfoy may have his own agenda where I am concerned, but he is still a servant of the Dark Lord. He has been working in one fashion or another for him during all the years he and I were close. His job at the Ministry, even his interest in voodoo..." Suddenly Severus whirled on Remus. "What happened to the Potters' things, after their deaths?"

"I don't understand."

"Their belongings. The headmaster had James Potter's invisibility cloak, which he passed on to Harry. You had some photographs, as I recall. Where did Potter's baby clothes go? Were they given to the relatives who raised him? I haven't seen friends from the Order coming forth with remembrances for Harry, things that had belonged to his parents. Were they all destroyed?"

Then Remus did understand. "You think Voldemort might want to find something of Harry's to perform some kind of sympathetic magic? A curse in which damage to the object will cause damage to its onetime owner?"

"Sympathetic magic was always an interest of Malfoy's. Lupin, you were close to the Potters -- would you recognize something that had been in their home if you saw it, in a museum for instance?"

"I'm not entirely certain." Remus strained to recall anything that might have been relevant from the museum he and Severus had visited together, where they had shared their first, unplanned kiss. "If what you suspect is correct, it could be anything -- a standard baby rattle, a nondescript blanket, a string of teething beads."

"Or a memory." Severus walked over to his desk and came back holding a small amulet in his hand. "Do you know what this is?"

"A memory locket, if I'm not mistaken." It was a particularly lovely one -- a small gold amulet with the winged horse Pegasus etched on the front. "That's very beautiful, Severus..."

"Malfoy gave it to me years ago," interrupted Snape impatiently. "I may have put your life in danger by showing it to him recently, at a time when I did not remember its contents because I had left my memories of you here in the pensieve where I thought they would be safe. I believed it was Malfoy's own face that he would see, not yours. If someone had a memory of Potter from when he was a baby, before his mother's death and his own encounter with the Dark Lord, it might give Voldemort power over him."

"The only amulets I recall from the museum were much, much older than this one." Carefully Remus stroked his fingers over the engraved silver wings of the charm and heard Severus catch his breath. "We should go back and investigate to be certain, but I wonder whether you weren't closer to the mark in the first place. There are undoubtedly physical items that belonged to James and Lily which are now out in the world, perhaps even among Muggles. In Voldemort's hands I imagine they could be used as weapons."

"Or in Malfoy's." The potions master's lips had set in a tight, furious line. "I may be able to learn what they are planning. If I see him again." His eyes closed as if he were steeling himself for something unpleasant.

"Oh, Severus. Is there no other way? What can I do?"

Severus touched his own arm, where the Dark Mark lay visible but inert. "I will wait," he said, "until after the full moon. This time I will go to Malfoy with all my memories. He was unable to read anything from me that I did not choose to show him, and I am stronger now than I was."

"Will you let me go with you?"

"Absolutely not." Then Severus' expression softened. "But you are here now, so let us not waste this night."

The improvement in Professor Snape's mood was noted by his students when they turned in their binding potions essays, many of which were exceptional for those below NEWT level. It was also noted by Dumbledore, who delivered to Remus a large quantity of instant hot chocolate and an offer of any support he might be able to provide. Remus was tempted to tell the headmaster of Severus' suspicions about the Death-Eaters' plans, but decided that it was Severus' place to do so, not his own. He worked on his chart in the days leading up to the full moon, reflecting that his youthful experience plotting the Marauders' Map made him peculiarly qualified for this sort of work. Perhaps, he thought, he should point out to Severus that the most disobedient students sometimes became more creative wizards and witches.

As was usual, Severus brought him his potion and watched him swallow it, but unlike any previous month he then remained in Lupin's room at Grimmauld Place, having asked McGonagall quite without explanation to see that another teacher covered his classes. Remus always dreaded the moment of transformation even under the influence of wolfsbane, but despite the comfort of having his lover beside him, he was equally terrified that in such close proximity, Severus would be repulsed.

"Shall I tell you what I did to earn this Mark?" Severus asked quietly in the minutes before the moon rose. "The only proof of loyalty that the Dark Lord would accept was murder. We each had to kill for him. My assignment was a rather unpleasant wizard who had at one time provided Voldemort with deadly herbs, but had been found out by the Ministry and begun to identify those for whom he provided his wares..."

He told the story in a calm, detached tone, as if he were describing some other man than himself, but even through the soporific effect of the potion Remus could feel him shaking, and he was in his arms when the moon broke the horizon. Severus kept his eyes shut as Remus began to twist and transform, but he did not let go of him until the alteration was complete. Nor did Severus leave throughout the long night, resting silently beside him until the moon set and the excruciating pain of becoming human again wiped the heavy curtain of the potion from Remus' mind.

"Where does it hurt?" Severus asked, getting a blanket and pulling it over them both. With his wand he made the fire burn higher while his arms went around Remus, knowing from previous months that heat helped to ease the pain. When Remus let out a soft sigh, he asked, "How much do you remember?"

"I remember being happy." Remus managed a small smile. "I knew there was someone with me -- someone for whom I cared very much, and hoped that maybe he would scratch my ears."

Severus snickered softly. "You appeared to be quite deeply asleep, though dreaming. You whined, and you scratched, but you did not chase your tail, nor did you lick yourself. I was slightly disappointed."

"And...you weren't afraid?"

"I will be honest with you. It was difficult at first not to get up and flee. I stayed because I realized I would rather be with you as a wolf than with any of the Death-Eaters." To Remus' great embarrassment his stomach chose that moment to rumble, yet Severus only gave him a wry smile. "Would you like me to bring you some food?"

"If you don't mind assisting me, I'd like to go downstairs. I need to stretch my legs." It was a bit uncomfortable having his lover help him dress and comb his hair, but he reflected that it was probably far more uncomfortable for someone as private as Severus to have to help him down the stairs, receiving solicitous looks from Kingsley and Tonks and outright indulgence from Molly Weasley, who promptly offered to make them both breakfast though everyone else had eaten long before. Snape's glower had made the others flee the kitchen by the time the eggs had finished frying. "You're very good at that, you know. Scaring away our acquaintances..." Remus smiled at him across the table.

"I do have a reputation to maintain." They both heard Molly choke back a laugh before she turned and gave Severus an approving smile. "I'll see whether there are sausages."

"Sit, I'll get them," ordered Molly just as Kingsley came back in for more coffee. She waved Severus down again when Remus mentioned that he'd like hot chocolate, winking and smiling at him. "Moody left this for you," she said, handing Snape a rolled and sealed parchment, refusing his grudging thanks for it and for breakfast: "It was a community effort, and the sausages were sent over from Hogwarts. Oh, and the headmaster asked me to tell you that your classes have been cancelled because a visiting friend from Italy will be lecturing on wizards and witches in Italian art, so there's no need to rush back."

Severus looked mortified by all this goodwill, growling about the noisy magical dishwashing, the lack of clean napkins and the weather. When Remus smiled fondly at him, he snapped, "You should go back to bed." Molly heartily agreed with this assessment and shooed them out of the kitchen, insisting that the plates would clean themselves.

"The banister is there for a reason," fussed Severus when Remus stumbled going up the stairs, though he then put an arm around Remus' waist. He left it there until they reached his room, despite passing numerous paintings that pointed in their direction and whispered to one another. "Do all the paintings in this house know about us, too?" he grumbled.

"It can't possibly be all of them, because I have noticed no disdain amongst the paintings when any of them choose to speak to me. The ones outside your door have been very polite about letting me know whether or not you were in. One would expect some shrieking over our unnatural activities from paintings hanging in a house that had belonged to Sirius' mother."

"Indeed. I imagine many of them are disappointed to see me wasting myself on a Gryffindor..." They had reached Remus' room, and Severus opened the door for him as Remus nudged him in the ribs with an elbow. "...a Gryffindor half-blood werewolf, with a Slytherin former Death-Eater. That is indeed unnatural. Mrs. Black would have been appalled."

"And to think I only meant that neither of us is a witch." Taking Severus' hand, Remus led him to the bed. "From what Sirius told me, that mattered a great deal in the Black family."

"It mattered to the Malfoys as well, for the purpose of heirs if nothing else." Stretching out beside him, Severus wrapped Remus up in his warmth. "Did it matter to your parents?"

"No. They just wanted me to be happy." Remus thought he saw envy in his companion's eyes before Severus blinked and turned away. "I don't know that they believed I would ever find anyone to love. They were very accepting when I told them about Sirius."

"How lucky you were," mused Severus. "They sent you to Hogwarts -- I can only imagine the effort that must have involved. Obviously they cared about you very much. I wonder whether you have greater power to resist the Death-Eaters than someone like Black or myself."

"I hope never to find out." Shivering softly, Remus pressed closer. "And I'm sorry. You deserved better."

"I made choices that no past suffering can justify. You surely deserved better than this." His fingers traced one of Remus' scars.

"Perhaps we were meant to follow the paths that have led us here. We know things that we would not, had we not suffered as we did." Lacing his fingers through Severus', Remus sighed against the warmth of his neck, trying not to shake from the residual pain in his body. "It's all going to work out -- with Harry, with Malfoy, even with Voldemort. We can't have overcome so many obstacles to be together only to watch the Dark Lord win. As you said, you're stronger now, and so am I..."

"...and you need to sleep," Severus interrupted him firmly. "But first I want to show you something." From a pocket he pulled the memory locket that he had let Remus see at Hogwarts. His fingers traced a distinct pattern over the horse's head and wings. "This is what you have done for me."

The amulet opened, and the pain of his transformation faded from Remus' body, overwhelmed by love.