Snap

Have you ever loved someone you shouldn’t?

I have.

Have you ever loved them even though you knew it was wrong and you knew, even in your heart of hearts, that it would never happen?

I have. But I can’t help myself.

Have you ever dreamed of the love so much that you can’t find where fantasy ends and reality begins?

I have. I much prefer fantasy anyway.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it physically hurts. It tares you apart, limb from limb, from the inside out. So much that you find yourself sitting up the middle of the night, sobbing, and having to do it silently because you’re crying so bloody hard you can’t cast a silencing spell?

I have.

Have you ever loved someone, and tried to kid yourself that no one else knows, when quite clearly someone else does?

I have. Hermione quite clearly knows, from the way she holds me, and mutters, “There, there, it’ll all be fine, you’ll see.”, even when, technically, there’s nothing wrong. She knows from the way I always end up crying when she does this. She knows from the gentle hugs and kisses she plants on my cheek. She knows from the way the same look is in her eyes, and the way the gentle, consoling words are partly for me and partly for her. And I know that these reactions from her are for me, for loving someone who doesn’t return your feelings.

And yet, I still tell myself she doesn’t know.

Have you ever felt like the love was suffocating you, pulling you under? Making it so that you can’t bare to be in the same room as the person for more than a few minutes, for fear of saying something stupid? Making it so that whenever that person speaks to you, you begin to stutter and blush and get some very strange looks.

I have.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you have the urge to tell someone straight away, tell lots of people, yell it off the top of the Astronomy Tower even, but when the opportunity to tell someone finds you, you shut up, bottle it up and say nothing?

I have.

Have you ever found yourself staring at your loved one, realising over and over again how beautiful they are, while someone is trying to tell you something important, and your only response is ‘Huh?’ Or even worse, have you ever found yourself staring at them whilst they sleep, wondering just when they turned out to be what your world revolved around and why? And then when they stir in their sleep, your flee to your own bed in terror of them finding you sat there, stroking their face?

I have. On many an occasion.

Have you ever fought with someone you love? Fought with them because you wanted to tell them you loved them, but you couldn’t so you just said the first stupid thing that popped into your head, and ended up regretting it for the rest of your life?

I have. And it was the worst time in my life. And I still regret it.

Have you ever loved someone you couldn’t have?

I have. And now they’re standing in front of me asking me a question and I’m not listening, but, as usual, drinking in just how glorious they are instead.

“Pardon Harry?” I ask, snapping out of my thoughts. Some company they are at the moment.

“I was only saying…” here Harry trails off, chewing on his lip and stubbing his toe against the floor, both adorable little habits he has. No, you can’t think of him as adorable, my mind chastises for the ten millionth time. “Ron, have you ever…”

My brains freezes, my tongue feeling too big for my mouth, my throat as dry as the Sahara, maybe even worse. Does this mean what I think it means? Every time I’ve ever said that, it has been followed by a declaration of love, love for my best friend. Could this ever be the same?

“…Have you ever played Snap?”

I breathe again, letting out a breath I hadn’t even known I held slowly, making it into a long sigh. Of course he doesn’t love you, Weasley, my mind laughs, Why would he love you? You’re a boy and a Weasley at that. Hold on, since when did my sub-conscience sound like Malfoy? I shake my head to get rid of the little, annoying voice and turn to Harry, my one-hundred-mega-watt grin planted firmly on my face.

“No Harry I’ve never played Snap. Nor mal, muggle, Snap anyway. Why, did you want to play? Maybe you could teach me?”

Harry nods mutely, the smile returning to his own face making it look brighter, and melting me into a pile of goo on the dorm room floor for about the tenth time that day.

“That’s what I thought,” he smiles. “I’ve got a pack of card down in the common room.”

“Great,” I reply, bounding off the bed and down the stairs, following Harry closely. Oh for fucks sake, why do I do this to myself? All it’ll end up as is me getting more and more turned on, eventually making a complete arse of myself, joking to patch it up, and then having to be really quiet that night while I jerk off, in case Harry hears his name. Bloody hell. Remind me again why I do it?

Because you love him.

Oh god not you again. Go away!

No chance, Weasley. I’m staying here until you proclaim your love for him.

Well you might want to get comfy then, you’re gunna be there a looong time. Pull up a chair why don’t ya?

Just you remember, I’ll always be here, Weasley….

Why am I talking to my sub-conscience? And why does it have a sneer? Can sub-consciences even sneer? Why does my sub-conscience sound like Malfoy?? I don’t have a underlying crush on him or something do I? Eurgh, why do I torture myself with these thoughts? Oh, right, we’re supposed to be playing cards here aren’t we.

“So Ron,” Harry explained as he dealt the cards out. God he’s even got beautiful hands. No, shut up, shut up, now is not the time. “The aim of the game is to get two cards the same. When you do you have to yell ‘Snap!’ and put your hands on top of the cards. The person that does that first wins those cards and you keep going until one person has no cards left. It’s basically the same principal as Exploding Snap.”

“But the cards can’t decide themselves what to be, so they don’t change?”

“Erm… No.”

“And nothing explodes?”

“Erm… No.”

“So really, it’s absolutely nothing like Exploding Snap?”

“Well it is but just without… erm… Magic… erm… no, it’s nothing like Exploding Snap.”

“I’m sure it’ll be just as fun though.” I say reassuringly, getting a smile for my troubles. Argh, how does he do that? How does he turn me into a giggling little girl like Parvati and Lavender and my sister with just one smile? Seriously it’s not good for me to be this obsessed.

Ah ha! He hasn’t spotted the obvious pair of cards down there.

“Snap!” I yell, sticking my hand on the large pile of cards.

“Dammit,” Harry says, his look of concentration broken.

“Oh yeah! Go me! Bow down to me for I, Ronald Bilius Weasley…”

“Bilius??”

“Shut up Harry, do you see me taking the mickey out of your middle name while you’re trying to declare something? No, you don’t! Now, where was I? Ah yes, bow down to me, Ronald Bilius Weasley, for I am the King of Muggle Snap!”

And to my great surprise Harry got down on his knees in a great sweeping bow, singing ‘Weasley is My King.’

“Right,” he said, breathlessly jumping off his knees. “Is your ego suitably satisfied now? Can we actually, oh I don’t know, play some Snap?”

He grinned cheekily at me.

“Oh alright, as you’ve satisfied my ego enough.”

That’s not all you’d like him to satisfy, is it Weasley?

Oh fuck you.

Uh uh, not me, but I’d bet you’d like Harry…

“Ron?”

“Mmplf.”

“You’ve gone very red.”

“Let’s just play some Snap. I bet I whoop your arse!”

Yeah I’m sure you’d like…

Don’t even go there.

Suddenly we both moved for the pair of cards together and ended up with his hand on top of mine. Just as suddenly I was aware of how heavy his knee was against mine under the table, and how green his eyes were, and how my hormones were making a certain part of my anatomy hard enough to pitch a tent with, which would become a big problem pretty soon (pun intended). I also vaguely noted that my brain had gone on holiday somewhere without being kind enough to warn me first, or even leave me an address. This left enough room for my sub-conscience to take over. Not a good move.

Neither was kissing Harry. But he was just there, about an inch away from my face, and we were the only ones in the common room and the tiny Malfoy in my brain (I must ask Hermione if there’s spell that allows you to shrink yourself and get into peoples heads, ’coz I swear that’s what Malfoy has done) was sitting there, laughing, going kiss him, kiss him, for the love of god kiss him you prat! And my brain was still inconveniently in the Bahamas somewhere (enjoying itself no doubt), so it seemed like the logical thing to do. And then I pulled away, shocked, because Harry had responded. Whatin the name of one of Ginnys Bat Bogey Hexes was going on here? Why had he responded? Why? It was at this point that even the Malfoy in my head fled, leaving me totally alone. My shock, however, was nothing compared to Harrys. He sat there with a dazed expression on his face, until I said the first thing that came into my head.

“Snap.”

That was when Harry fled up to the Dormitory. It’s been half an hour since then an I’m still sat here, in exactly the same position, the cards laying flung on the table. And neither my brain of Malfoy has bothered to return. I’m still sat here.

I still love someone I shouldn’t

I still want to tell someone.

I’m still kidding myself.

It still hurts.

I still can’t have him.

The End.