My angel. My destruction. My heartache. My destiny

Hi there!

Welcome to a little fic that just came to me one day this week while I was working on another story. It basically wrote itself which is always something I look forward to

The story is a first person one, told in Sirius' voice and is set in the MWPP era. There will be 4-5 chapters here all rather short in length, so if you're not anxious to try one of my dark and angsty novel lengths, give this one a whirl.

If you'd like to check out my other stories, they can be found at the following links. http://www.schnoogle.com/authorLinks/CelticFlame/ , http://www.schnoogle.com/authorLinks/CelticFlame_and_LrdMarkus/ , http://www.riddikulus.org/authorLinks/CelticFlame/ , and http://www.thedarkarts.org/authorLinks/Celtic_Flame/

Padfoot, my muse, would LOVE to know what you think of this one. Your replies will be the doggie biscuits I've been too busy writing to go out and buy. Feed a muse today, it's really pathetic listening to his stomach growling!

Thanks for reading!

Bree

Check out my Live Journal for updates on my life. http://www.livejournal.com/users/brianajade/

Now onto the story!

 

My angel. My Destruction. My heartache. My destiny.

Chapter 1

 

I wanted them both!

They were so perfect. They were the king and queen of Hogwarts. Nice, fun, exciting, they were so many things that I do not have the adjectives to describe them.

But I wanted them with every fiber of my being.

I don't quite know when I discovered that I had feelings for them both. I'd been in love with him for ages. I lusted for him for years. When I curled up in my bed every night I dreamed about him. Then, after years of want he shared my bed. In our sixth year, he began sharing his with her. I would lie there at night, trying to sneak a peek at them and feeling so dirty for doing so. Later, I realized that I wanted her as much as I had wanted him.

I watched them together and ached to be between them. I thought that jealousy might be my motivation, but soon I realized that my feelings were different. I wanted to be with both James and Lily instead of replacing one of them.

It thrilled me. It gave me a dark thrill to desire both of them so. I knew that I was bisexual, but I had never pursued both sides of my sexuality at the same time before. There had been men. Well, there had been James, and there had been a couple of women, but never together. That had never been my desire before.

Soon, it was my obsession. It was all I could think about. When James smiled at me, I remembered the feel of his mouth on my heated flesh. When Lily's eyes met mine, I felt it in the pit of my stomach.

Those around me noticed that something was very wrong. Frank Longbottom tried to get me interested in Quidditch but I couldn't concentrate and fell from my broom. Remus Lupin tried to distract me with long discussions about our classes, as if I cared. Peter Pettigrew did nothing to distract me, but I often felt his worried gaze on me. Even James and Lily would settle on my bed when I was staring off into space.

The times when the objects of my obsession were so close were the hardest. The curtains around my bed gave it an intimate feel. James and Lily would snuggle close as we spoke and I could feel the emotions in the air. The way he would stroke her hip or run a hand through her hair made my heart ache. I wanted him to touch me like that again! I wanted the feel of her soft delicate hands on my body. I wanted to be lost in the heat between them.

When James and Lily began dating he stopped sleeping with me. Our relationship was that of best friends who occasionally shagged. All the lads in our dorm knew what we were up to; it's bloody hard to hide that sort of relationship from your mates. None of them ever minded or if they did they never spoke of it to me, until the day James and I went for a stroll and that turned into our goodbye shag. He explained that he wanted to try to make a go of it with Lily Evans and wanted a clean slate. Tabula Rasa, the arrogant wanker even used the Latin word.

I loved James enough to give him his clean slate, but my body didn't necessarily understand the meaning of being cut off. Every time he leaned in and nudged my shoulder with an intimate laugh, my hands ached to hold him. When he gave me those bloody smiles so full of promise I wanted to hate him for leaving me for her.

Somehow our friendship was strong enough to stay solid despite the changes in James' life. I was unable to hate my best friend and he was unable to see how much he was hurting me. Now, don't be thinking that he's some soulless wanker, because he's not. He was just too wrapped up in his new relationship to take notice of the fact that I was still pining after him. If he had known, he would have sat me down and discussed it. That's just James' way. Sometimes, he's too bloody nice for his own good.

I had to get them out of my head. Just the thought of them set me on fire.

Lily, just as nice as James. Just as beautiful as he is handsome. How did they find the perfect compliment to each other? It was too neat. They were only seventeen years old, bloody hell, finding a soulmate isn't that easy!

She came to me in my dreams sometimes with her red hair wildly loose and her green eyes shimmering. James watched as I had my way with her and it was perfect, it was incredible. Every time after waking up, my disappointment was as palpable as the throbbing and the mess to clean up. When that happened I moved silently through the dormitory, fearful of discovery because I knew that they were asleep together in the next bed.

I had to forget about them. My twisted fantasies of us being together were just that-fantasies. I could not continue down this road. I couldn't ever give voice to my deepest and darkest desire! I had to get them out of my mind and calm my lust, but that was not easy.

I had let my mind drift while I conjured up possibilities. There would be no other man for me, so that option was out. If I had really searched I would have undoubtedly found one of a dozen women that could have occupied me. There were some that I had an understanding with and there were even some I lusted after occasionally. I had to keep up my reputation as ladies' man even though I shared my bed with James every night. I wouldn't have given him up for anyone. It's too bad he didn't feel the same way about me. Even now, it still hurts.

Look at me; I'm cursed! I needed a distraction. I needed someone to help me forget, but was there such a creature nearby? I have fallen for great many female charms and it would have taken a rare creature to distract me from my quiet madness.

Then she came to me. My angel. My destruction. My heartache. My destiny.

As if in a dream, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up immediately; finding myself quite disoriented for a moment. I had been so lost in my thoughts that day that I had forgotten that I was in the Gryffindor common room and visible to anyone. I blinked a few times before focusing on the beauty that stood above me.

"Hello love." I said in an offhand manner and gave her one of my trademark smiles. It would not do to have her suspect that I was not quite myself.

"Hi Sirius." She replied with a small smile and tossed her blonde hair. My body awoke to her scent and presence and my decision was made.

I grinned. She would be perfect for me. Plus, she was a fellow Gryffindor and she was Lily Evan's best friend. If we shagged the news would certainly get back to James. I could prove to him that I was over him fully, that he and Lily didn't effect me.

I had never intended to be destroyed by a lapse in judgement and a twist of fate.

My course in life was drawn in that brief moment. I reached for her hand slowly. "Narcissa, would you like to spend some time with me tonight?"