Like the Finest Gold

Tonight. One a.m. Divination classroom. -L.M.

No.

That couldn't be right. Tonight was... or was it? Yes, yes it was. Remus was never wrong. Did Lucius realize that? He never asked for you during the full moon. There had to be a mistake.

Can't. You know why. -J.P.

Potions was three hours away. It would be your only chance to get the note to him. Hopefully, he would respond quickly. He knew what Remus was, and how dangerous. He had to understand. Didn't he? Absently, you toyed with his note, folding it into a tiny square, sharpening the creases. You ran the edges of the parchment along your fingertips, rolling the corners in toward the center. Quit that. It looks suspicious. Put the note away, and act as you always did. They couldn't know. It took almost all your effort to appear as though your life was normal. Since Sirius had questioned you, you had focused your efforts on not raising his suspicions any more than they already were. Remember to breathe as Lucius wrote a response, which he dropped on your desk as he headed for the potion ingredients shelves.

Do I? Be there. -L.M.

When Sirius turned away, you fed the second note to the fire under your cauldron. Of course you had to be there, but you couldn't be in two places at once. You couldn't run the risk that Lucius might reveal your secret.

Your thin outer mask of invisible steel, forged of pure instinct to survive, was calm, composed, and laughed a little too easily. It held Lily's hand and smiled at Peter's jokes. It answered questions in classes. It reassured Sirius, though you weren't entirely sure it convinced him, that everything was fine. It aced two Transfiguration tests. Underneath the veneer, there was nothing but the fragments of your circadian clock and the blood on your lower lip.

How the hell were you going to get out of this one? Too much homework? Fake an injury? Or maybe you could leave early? No, no, they would know something was wrong. Feign illness. It would have to do. Why was Lucius summoning you tonight of all nights? Why couldn't he wait another two days? What had you done to provoke him?

"Remus, I don't think I'm going to make it tonight." There, it was out. You could lie. Of course you could lie. Weren't you one of the most practiced liars in school? Of course you could manipulate Remus, kind, understanding Remus who would never think twice about asking you to transform when you were sick. Remus whose friendship you didn't deserve. Stop eating. You'll raise suspicion if you eat too much, not that the realization that you were lying to Remus so you could have sex with Lucius didn't make you queasy enough. Think of the ache deep in your shoulders and the cold and damp that never seemed to leave the castle this time of year.

"You what?"

"I-I'm not feeling very well. I'm kind of tired, and my throat hurts. I don't know if it'd be such a good idea. If I'm not a hundred percent on when I transform..."

"James, I...well, I guess there's not a whole lot I can do about it, huh? Maybe I'll just go by myself. Might be better, less risk of injury to Sirius."

"I'm sure Sirius and Peter will be fine alone with you. It's just this once." Were you sure?

"You want me to walk you to the hospital wing?"

"No, no. I don't need that. I'll be fine, I just don't know if it'd be such a good idea for me to go out tonight. I'll go to bed early."

Remus nodded, though it was clear from the expression on his face that he was anything but pleased. He would just have to deal with it. He had transformed without the three of you before, and was going to have to do it again eventually. Maybe Lucius was bluffing about running to Dumbledore, but then again, what if he wasn't? You couldn't take that risk. Looking at Remus, you felt lower than you ever had in your life. You didn't like to see him suffer, but he was also the one at the foundation of your quandary. Remus didn't want to be a werewolf any more than you wanted Lucius to find out. Of course, the fundamental difference was that Remus would give anything for the chance to go one month without transforming, and you...

You would give anything for the chance to be with Lucius. He couldn't know that, of course, but every now and again, you found yourself wishing that you could just have an hour with him without guilt, without pretext, just pleasure. On one hand, it was a revolting idea, but on the other, the resolution might be worth it. The nagging question was: If you surrendered completely to Lucius, and let him lead without so much opposition, did that mean you had chosen him over Remus, Sirius, and Peter?

You pushed your plate away from you. No. No, you hadn't chosen. They were two totally separate things. Completely unrelated. You couldn't confess to Lucius. That would be handing him everything he wanted. But at this point, when you were so worn down, so tired of fighting him, wouldn't that be the easiest thing to do? What would Lucius want if you told him that you were willing to go along with whatever he had planned from the moment he first approached you?

If you went to him tonight, would he know he had won?

If you went to him tonight, could you admit everything?

If you went to him tonight, would he always call you at the full moon?

It would just be this one time that you didn't accompany Remus. Just once was all right, wasn't it? This was all getting to be too much. How could you be entertaining the thought of going to Lucius voluntarily, actually wanting to see the person who made you give up your friends? Why did he mean so much to you? Why did his questions keep you awake at night, his questions of who you were and what you wanted and how you could be so blind?

Lucius was staring out the window at the snowy grounds when you entered the classroom. He was doing anything but relaxing in the view, standing with his shoulders back and spine erect. He was listening, waiting for you to approach him, to begin.

"I hate you, Malfoy. You're a disgusting, twisted, heartless bastard whose only happiness comes from making people suffer."

"Nice to see you too." He turned away from the window, grinning as he reached to untie his hair.

"Sod off."

"You kiss your girlfriend with that mouth? Assuming you're still kissing, that is."

"You know damn well what tonight is, and you called me! I knew you were a sorry excuse for a human being, but this...this is..."

"This is boring. You're so irritating when you call me names. It's like a fly buzzing around my head or something."

"Like you've been dead for a day or two. I like that image."

He affected a yawn. "Melodramatic empty threats, again. Let's see, you've already told me what kind of a person you think I am, and you've threatened me...I think all that's left is your trying to keep silent as you come, and it'll be a night."

"So you're actually going to let me come this time?" Good job, Potter. Sound petulant and annoying as you admit to Lucius that you like what he does to you. Ten points to Gryffindor. Another ten points if you can ignore the fact that you're aroused at the very thought of what he's going to do to you to make you come.

"Well, you are here during the full moon. I think your realization of where it is that you really want to be deserves a little reward."

"Excuse me?"

"Are you going deaf, Potter, or do you just like the sound of my voice? Think about it. It's a full moon. Lupin and Black and Pettigrew are off somewhere being fuzzy, and you're here. It's pretty obvious to me where your loyalties really are. Did you lie to them? Did you tell them you were sick, or that you had too much homework, or-"

There wasn't time to go for your wand, or even to think. Your fingers curled, and you swung. Your aim was perfect, and Lucius stumbled backwards.

Nothing was left of you but anger as you ran at him, your fist to his jaw, his stomach. Your punches were honed on the accuracy of his words and the knowledge that you had crossed a breaking point. Together, you tumbled to the floor, and you landed on top of him. He looked up at you, blood at the corner of his mouth, hands tensed at his sides.

"You're not going to hit me back, Malfoy?"

He smiled. Of all things, he smiled. His gaze shifted, and in a movement faster than you expected, he grabbed your collar and pulled downward and to his right. The fabric at the back cut into your neck and the front gave way, ripping along the buttons. You stared at him, shocked, as the sound of the buttons bouncing on the stone floor echoed off the walls.

"Shit!"

"Language, language."

"I only have three sets of robes! What am I supposed to do now?"

"Get your girlfriend to sew the buttons back on."

Lucius grunted in surprise as you hit him across the face with all the weight of your rage. He raised a hand, running it along his cheek and jaw, checking for blood under his nose.

"Ooh, getting defensive now." There was a strained tone to his words, like for once he was the one struggling to maintain composure. Finding that you had cut his lip, he took your hand, kissing it. He smiled as you felt your face contort into a look of revulsion.

"Leave Lily out of this. This is between you and me."

As you moved back, he hooked his legs around yours. Both of you were breathing hard, and your own fury nearly blinded you as the cold air came around the opening in your robes.

"Well, it's about time you figured that out."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Come on, Potter. This isn't about the Mudblood, or Black, or Lupin, or Pettigrew. It never has been, and it never will be. You're smarter than that. Use that brilliant mind of yours for once."

"But I'm not..."

"But you're not what? Supposed to like what I do to you? Too late to hide that. You lost that the first time I did this." Guiding your head toward his, he kissed you gently. His lips were as soft as they had been the first time, tasting of copper and pumpkin juice. You shouldn't be doing this. It shouldn't feel so good, and Lucius shouldn't be reading your mind. Why did this of all things have to erase everything you were and reduce you to nothing better than a willing slave? The thought disturbed you, even through your veil of pleasure.

Whisper. "No."

You were weary, drained both mentally and physically from the late nights and your constant resistance. You needed answers from Lucius, answers you knew he had. It seemed like he was willing to give them to you, but you were too afraid to ask for them for fear of the cost. What did he want from you in return? He had never denied that there was more to his approaching you than blackmail. What were you to him? What purpose did you serve in his life? The answer had to be right in front of you.

If you did give him the satisfaction of admitting how he made you feel, what would happen next? There was only one way to find out…

Tired of challenging him at every turn, you pried your legs away from his and lay beside him on the floor, propping your head on your hand. Your words were edged and breathless, like someone was pressing on your solar plexus.

"Fine. You win. I'm yours, Malfoy. Do whatever you want to me."

"Oh, I'm going to do that anyway." He was interested now, turning on his side to mirror your position. "But let's start with the given. I say we're alike. You say I'm arrogant, accompanied with your choice of insults. Why?"

"Because you think that you're above everyone else here just because you've got money and your last name's Malfoy. You think you can do whatever you want."

"And you don't think you can do whatever you want?" He sat up for a moment and removed your glasses, placing them on a low, nearby table.

"No, I don't!"

"Yet you taught yourself to become an Animagus, and you sneak out all the time, and you're lying to your friends about where you are tonight. You're a hypocrite, telling me that I think I can do whatever I want when you live to break rules. That said, why should I think that we're anything alike?"

You were silent for a moment, his words filling your mind. Lucius couldn't be right, but he was, and you both knew it. His fingertips trailed over your shoulder, raising a sensation that ran simultaneously hot and cold.

"So, what happens when you break rules and get caught?" he asked, bringing his head closer to yours.

"I wouldn't know. I've never been caught." Even you knew that those words had no depth. Did you think he was going to let you get away with that?

"Then why are you here?"

"Fine. I get in trouble."

"Very good." He rewarded your answer with a kiss on your forehead. "Now, what happens when you get in trouble?"

"Detention."

"Think more general. Consequences. Sometimes your consequences consist of having to clean the Potions lab without magic, and sometimes," he stroked your cheek and down your neck to your chest, "Sometimes they're a little more fun. Not that you and your famous pride could ever admit to liking them."

Before you could stop yourself, you whispered, "Haven't you taken enough of my pride already?"

"What was that?" Tilting your chin upward, he made you look in his eyes.

"You heard me."

"Obviously, I haven't taken enough if you're still singing the 'I'm doing this for Lupin' song."

"You think I'd be here on my own if you'd never come to me in the first place? I don't ask to get detention, and I certainly didn't ask for this! I am here to keep you from getting my friends kicked out of school!"

"Are you? I don't think so. I think you're trying to make excuses. And to be honest, I'm getting tired of hearing those same words from you every time you meet me. Every time you use them, they sound a little less honest."

"That doesn't make them any less true!"

With an exasperated sigh, he dropped his hand. "Enough. I don't want to hear it anymore. You're wasting my time."

"No, wait!"

Lucius raised an eyebrow.

"What do you want from me?"

He exhaled and smiled. "An answer, to start with."

"What's the question?"

"Are you willing to go along with what you feel, and take what I want to give you? Can you stop being so in denial of how much you love this, and stop mouthing off to me every chance you get in your attempt to make your feelings go away?"

"You know I couldn't. I mean...if I did that, you know..."

"I know that you'd be a hell of a lot less annoying, and maybe," he kissed you softly, his lips lingering on yours as he spoke, "you'd feel better. Maybe sleep a little better…endearing as I may find the sight of you falling face-first into your breakfast."

You couldn't confess, couldn't give him the upper hand even more than he already had. Distract him. That would work. You wove your fingers into his hair, returning his kiss. For the first time, you advanced, entering his mouth with your tongue. After a minute, he pulled away, moving to turn you on your back.

"Not yet, Potter. You haven't earned it."

Did you want to earn it?

The moonlight filling the room from the west window made Lucius look as though he were all one color. The promise of a bruise shone on his left cheekbone.

"That's going to be some shiner. Can't wait to see what the rest of the Slytherins have to say about that one."

"Can't wait until they ask."

There was no figuring him out. But then, how much did you really want to know? Lucius had always seemed so sadistic and one-dimensional before, only out for blackmail and personal gain. Through your conversations, he was gaining facets, new aspects of who he was. He was…perceptive. He always seemed to know the things you wouldn't even admit to yourself, and he never hesitated to let you know that he knew them.

Before you had a chance to dress after sex, he left. Pulling your robes around you, you walked slowly, quietly, back to Gryffindor, contemplating his words.

"Sometimes they're a little more fun."

You knew he was right. What if you accepted it? There was no sense in hiding from yourself. And you knew you weren't hiding from Lucius, not anymore.

"You're a hypocrite...You live to break rules."

Wasn't that what you'd been hiding from all along, the thrill of knowing that Lucius was a rule to be broken? All the elements were there: the desire, the guilt, the knowledge that he filled a need of yours that--

"Oof!"

"Sorry, I--" Sirius. Of all the people to collide with.

"James! What the hell are you doing out?"

Think fast. "Lily and I...we went out. It's our anniversary. We were...well, you know. Almost got caught by Filch. We had to split up so he could only follow one of us."

"Is that how you tore your robes?"

"Er, yeah."

Sirius said nothing, did nothing. The two of you stared at each other in uncomfortable silence until he spoke, his words venom and iron.

"You had to go out with Lily tonight? You couldn't have waited two days and spent tonight with Remus? He needed you, James."

"I know, but..."

"But what? What the fuck is wrong with you, to make you act like you're sick and can't be with Remus, and then sneak out with Lily?" You had forgotten the lie you had told Remus. Sirius hadn't. Your lungs felt like they would burst, but you did your best impression of honesty.

"Sirius, I promise, it was just this once."

"Do you really think I don't know you well enough to know you're lying?"

"I...I..."

"Shut up. Just...don't talk. I can't talk to you. If I talk, I'll start screaming."

"Sirius, let me explain. I-"

"No. Just. Don't. Talk." He turned to the portrait. "Chrysalis."

The portrait swung forward, and you followed him into the common room. He stopped, surveyed the room, and looked at you curiously.

Lily sat in a chair by the fire, not a hair out of place, reading a book.

"James! Sirius! What are you two doing out so late? James, what happened to your robes?"

To your astonishment, Sirius turned on the charm. "We were out testing those new Cleansweeps they just bought."

"In the middle of the night?"

"Only time we could avoid running into the Slytherins. James took a wrong turn into some trees."

She smiled and shook her head. "Somehow, I'm not surprised. You two going to bed?"

"Yes," you said, before Sirius could answer. "You?"

"I can't sleep. Woke up about half an hour ago. I'm going to stay up and read a little more. No better cure for insomnia than Arithmancy, you know."

You smiled. "Except maybe Ancient Runes." As Sirius headed up the stairs to the dormitory, you walked over to Lily. You kissed her, hoping she couldn't smell Lucius on you. "Good night, sweetie."

"James?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry that things haven't been going well for us lately. Do you maybe want to just spend a night together, just us?"

Knowing your luck, it would probably be a night that Lucius wanted to see you, but you smiled. "I'd like that." As you spoke the words, you cursed yourself. You would go to Lucius if he called, wouldn't you? You would make excuses to Lily, the way you did to Remus. The fact that you loved and adored Lily was taking a back seat to your lust, your need to disobey.

"We'll work out a time?"

"Yes." You kissed her again, stroking her hair. It felt odd to the touch, coarse and heavy compared to Lucius's. "Good night, Lily."

"'Night."

You climbed the steps to the dormitory, and as you turned a curve in the spiral stairs, Sirius jumped at you. He pushed you against the wall and covered your mouth with one hand to stifle your yell. Wonderful. First Lucius pushed you around, and now Sirius. In your fatigue and confusion you were almost tempted to take a fist to Sirius, but you held back.

"You are going to tell me where it is you were tonight, and why, and with who, and what you did, and if you lie to me, Lily is going to know."

Unable to help yourself, you laughed at the irony. You were being blackmailed for your blackmail. Sirius, infuriated at your laughter, took his hand off your mouth and held you tightly by your arms. The pain of his grip was dull compared to the way Lucius held you.

"You smell like wet dog."

Clenching his jaw, Sirius pulled you six inches away from the wall and slammed you back into it with surprising force. Stars came to your eyes, and you felt dizzy for a moment.

"Do you want me to ask you again?" His eyes narrowed.

"Sirius, I can't tell you."

"Why? What could possibly be more important during a full moon than Remus?"

"Keeping Remus safe."

"What?"

"I-I can't give you all the details, but trust me, this is for Remus's own good."

"Trust you? You sneak out nights, blow us off during the full moon, and for weeks you looked like you were going to flunk out of school. Not to mention the fact that Lily almost broke up with you, and now you two are fine. And you want me to trust you?"

You bit your lip. Could you tell him? If you did, would he believe you? Questions didn't matter now. He had you cornered. Maybe if you told him the truth, he would think it so bizarre he would just laugh it off. Take a deep breath.

"Sirius...what would you do if someone found out about...us?"

"Us?"

"The transformation." The words came at light speed, because you knew if you spoke any slower you'd never get them out.

Even in the dark, you could see the color leave his face. "You're lying."

"Am I?"

He loosened his grip, but his hands didn't leave your arms. "No. No. Someone really knows? Who is it?"

"I can't tell you."

"You're going to."

"No. Let that one go."

"James! Someone knows about us?"

"Yes."

"And you're not going to tell me who? What is wrong with you?"

"If I tell you, things would just get worse. They'll make it harder on me, and they might go after you. I can't risk that."

"Make it harder on..." Realization registered in his eyes. "You're...you're being blackmailed," he breathed. "Someone...oh my...they know about us and Remus, and they're going to tell Dumbledore unless you do what they want, right?"

If you opened your mouth, you would be sick. Instead, you nodded. Sirius looked as though he might be sick himself.

"But why you? Why not me, or Peter?"

"I don't know." What was one more lie?

"Who is it?"

"I told you, I can't tell you."

"What do they want from you?"

Push away the images of Lucius, nude and glowing in the light of Professor Trelawney's scented fire. "They want me to do their homework for them."

"Why don't they just copy yours?"

"Because they're taking two classes that I'm not. I have to do the homework for those classes, too. That's why...that's why I was so tired all the time, trying to keep up in all my classes plus theirs." This was too easy. It felt like your heart was going to fall through your stomach as Sirius nodded.

"We've got to get you out of this."

"No! I mean, they'll get suspicious and I don't want to make things worse."

"Do you think we should tell Peter and Remus?" His voice weakened with every sentence. The impact of your dilemma was sinking in.

"What good would that do? No. Don't tell them. Let me deal with this."

"Are you going to be all right? Do you need an extra hand with any of their assignments?"

"You can't get involved in this, Sirius. Please. Just...let me deal with it."

"I don't like this at all."

"I didn't say you had to."

"How long is this going to go on?"

"I don't know. Could be all year, could be the end of next week." Sirius let go of you, dropping his hands to his sides. "I can deal with it. I promise. But listen. I know you, and I know that if I tell you who's doing this, you're going to go after them, and you might get kicked out of school anyway."

He nodded and turned away. You followed him toward the dormitory, enjoying the nauseating exhilaration of having achieved a balance between truth and lies. Things were looking up with Lily, your explanation to Sirius satisfied his curiosity, and you could keep seeing Lucius.

Sirius stopped at the top of the stairs and turned around.

"James?"

"Yes?"

"The truth: How did you tear your robes?"