Every Moment Marked

"Every Moment Marked"

By C.K. Blake

What ravages of spirit conjured,

This temptuous rage, created you a monster,

Broken by the rules of love, and fate has led you through it,

You do what you have to do and fate has led you through it,

You do what you have to do...

And I have the sense to recognize

That I don't know how to let you go.

--Sarah McLachlan "Do What You Have to Do"

---------

His very physical being was light interwoven in flesh, a blinding light that captured and captivated people. Yet, within this light there were shadows, shadows darker than night, shadows that cut deeply and tainted the light that was his flesh.

The boy smirked as he looked in the mirror. He was an impressive sight to be hold, warm flesh the color of marble, smooth and flawless beauty, beauty not meant to grace most mortal men, and yet he possessed it, owned it, and knew how to exploit it. His pale hair fell about his face in artistic casualness, and his face was a plateau of smooth lines and plains in high cheeks bones, a supple mouth, long nose, and lazy dangerous eyes with the power to seduce. Eyes that were cold and grey.

Beneath the bright beauty laid the fragments of a broken mirror reflecting a soul that was in tatters. Pieces reflecting various moments, the edges splashed faintly in dark dried blood - heart's blood - from a heart that no longer felt capable of love.

The pain coursed through him slicing into his chest, the dull ache had grown sharper, piercing, cutting. It was breaking him again. He grabbed the edge of the sink, clutching it for support, and closed his eyes as the burning coursed through him, consuming him, as it hadn't in weeks. His head shot up and his eyes flew open, tears sliding from the corners of his eyes as he let out a howl of rage, and finally he collapsed, as the pieces of the mirror reflecting his soul cut him deeper to dull the fierce pain that ripped through his chest.

"It was a game. Some stupid game. Emotions are never real. I am a Malfoy! Damn it!" he snapped and hit the marble floor of the Slytherin boy's bathroom. Then he drew up his knees, wrapped his arms around his legs and rested his chin on his knees trying to think of how it had all gone wrong.

He heard the door of the bathroom rattle. Someone was about to come in. Quickly he got to his feet, brushing away the tear trails with an immaculate hand. He was Draco Lucius Malfoy and he had an image and reputation to uphold. Still, no one knew how fragmented he was on the inside. How broken and lost he could be.

He threw open the door managing to knock it into the unfortunate Slytherin who had been about to enter it. He heard the crack and assumed he'd succeeded in breaking someone's nose. He just shrugged off the ordeal not bothering to contemplate anything. He had no reason to focus on breaking his housemate's nose. Just knowing that he'd caused pain was enough for satisfaction.

Yes, the idea of pain, anything to dull the tearing apart of his soul, that made him smile. He briskly left the Slytherin common room and began to wander the halls of Hogwarts until his feet unconsciously brought him to the Astronomy Tower. The place where it all began and ended. He could still recall their last fight. His throat tightened as the memory held him captive. He gripped the stone balcony tightly; his knuckles white from the stress of his hold, as he closed his eyes and delved into the past...

-----

She tasted of apples and strawberries, and he couldn't imagine not tasting her every day for the rest of his life. His heart pounded in his chest every time he was near her, his bones ached, and his skin tingled at the thought of touching her. She was his, beautiful in her own way, and she'd given him the chance that they both knew he didn't deserve.

After all that he'd called her and done to her over the years, she didn't judge him, but forgave him. She'd overlooked the history and given him the chance to prove himself, to redeem himself.

He could get lost in the taste of her so easily, his hunger for her never sated. He sighed as she moaned against his mouth. Drinking in her taste, savoring her for however long their kiss lasted. Then they broke apart, both breathing hard, hearts pounding in the heat of the moment.

"Draco..."

His eyes locked with the liquid brown depths of hers as his fingertips reached out, lightly tracing her jaw. "Yes, love?"

"There is something I have to tell you, but first I have to know. I want you to tell me the truth. What is this between us? Is it real? Or am I just a temporary infatuation?" she asked, her voice trembled as she was on the brink of tears.

He wrapped his arms around her and that was when his sleeve rode up, revealing his left arm, and the marked flesh. She gasped and looked at the horrible mark of a skull with a snake protruding from its mouth, and then she looked up into the grey eyes of the man she thought she'd known.

"Why?" she demanded, her voice laced with pain and disappointment. "How could you?"

He looked up at her. "I did it to protect you. If I hadn't taken the mark my father would have found out about us, I don't know how, but he would have, and he would hurt you. I couldn't allow him to do that, so I played the part of dutiful son. I did what was expected of me. I'm keeping you safe. Don't you realize that?"

"You've allowed yourself to become him, and I can't do that to another innocent. I can't allow evil to hurt anyone else if I can stop it. Your answer doesn't matter anymore, because I already know what I have to do. I'm sorry that I ever trusted you, and I'm sorry that I gave you so much of myself. I wish I could say I'm sorry for loving you, but I can't. Because for everything you've taken from me, you've given back too," she said, her lip quivering as she fought a losing battle within herself. "Whatever this was, it has come to an end."

"What? Hermione, what are you saying? I am not my father. I did it for us. What do you mean hurt anyone else? Another innocent? Who are you talking about? What does my mark have anything to do with us?" he snapped trying to suppress his anger, as confusion clouded his mind.

"Everything!" she answered back just as viciously and then continued in a whisper, "I won't let my child grow up in the household of a Deatheater. I couldn't live with myself for doing that to an innocent child, no matter how much I loved their father."

She then turned away from him and ran as far as she could, not stopping until she'd returned to Gryffindor Tower where she'd run to her room, flung herself on her bed and cried herself to sleep.

He was left standing on the balcony of the Astronomy Tower, slowly taking in what she'd just told him. He was going to be a father and she clearly did not want him to be a part of that. He was tainted, marked, and could corrupt her...their child. He stood frozen in place, his head tilted upward, eyes looking up at the sky but not seeing anything as the mirror inside him shattered, breaking pieces of his soul, making him bleed as his world came crashing down around him.

-----

He took in a deep breath of air; then he slowly tilted his head up to the sky, much as he had that night, but this time he saw the stars nestled in the inky blackness of the night. It was beautiful, but it was a cold beauty, one that glowed in a vast darkness, like him.

"It was only a stupid mark!" he howled into the night and then he turned his gaze downward to looked at the rocky ground below, some few hundred feet below.

"You forgave everything else," he whispered to the wind. "Why not this? Why not this?! Stupid mudblood bitch!"

Then he pushed back from the stone balcony and landed in a heap on the stone floor of the balcony, drawing up his knees and clasping his hands about them as he stared up mutely, into the sky.

That was when he knew he was not alone. He sighed and then lifted a hand to run it through his hair, closing his eyes as he remembered how it felt for her to run her hand through it.

"What do you want?!" he snapped at the intruder.

That was when the intruder stepped out on the balcony and was in full sight of Draco.

"It was you," the intruder said in a voice of deadly calm.

Draco looked up and shook his head, making a mental note of his bad turn of luck. "What are you on about, Potter?"

Potter just drew his fist back and let it go until it met forcefully with the perfection of Draco's face. Draco grabbed his nose as the blood spurted, and took a moment to recover before he was on his feet and rushing Potter until he caught the dark haired boy in the gut and got him on the ground. Draco drew back his fist and pounded it into the Gryffindor's face, but Potter managed to throw the boy back. Potter then grabbed Draco by the collar, hauled him to his feet and slammed him against the wall.

The blond allowed his head to fall back against the stone wall, and a demented laugh escaped from him his slightly parted mouth. Potter was shocked and released the Slytherin, not understanding the sudden change that had occurred.

Draco slumped bent over, but recovered and slowly straightened and leaned against the wall of the castle for support.

"Why don't you get it over with, Potter? Save us both some trouble and throw me over. No one would be the worse for it, and I doubt if anyone would really blame you. Come on, do it... Or..." Draco paused and looked at the dark haired Gryffindor smirking. "Are you scared, Potter?"

Potter's eyes widened as he looked at the Slytherin, taking in the wild madness in those cool grey eyes. "Malfoy?"

"Yes, Potter?" he sneered, and then pushed off from the wall, grabbed Potter by the collar and held him precariously over the edge of the balcony, just one push and Potter would fall to his death. "It's so easy isn't it? One little push and I let go and it's over, you're gone. Turn the tables. Come on, change it around so you're holding me over the edge, and let me go. Give me that final push. I've been on the edge longer than you care to know."

"Are you mad?" Potter snapped and then shoved his body against Malfoy's until the two of them were in a heap on the floor. Potter disentangled himself from Malfoy and then looked at the Slytherin, wondering what Hermione had seen in him. Had Malfoy just had his way with her and left her to deal with the consequences? Why had she refused to tell him or Ron who the father was? Why had she tried to protect Malfoy? And why had Malfoy been shouting about a mark and then said those other things, stupid mudblood bitch? Why was Malfoy leaning over the edge and telling Harry to throw him over.

The two boys were panting, both tired by what had just occurred. Still there was an edge about the Slytherin. He looked up at the dark haired boy that had been his rival for the past six and a half years and let out a deep breath before speaking, "She thinks I'm a monster."

---------

It was hard to believe that within a couple of months her belly would begin to swell with the life that was growing inside of her. She swallowed thickly, her eyes closed as she remembered how that life came to be inside of her. She remembered long pale fingers touching her, worshipping her body. She slowly ran a hand over her abdomen. It had been weeks ago since she'd last spoken to him. Since she'd discovered the mark.

She sighed thinking of that last encounter. He'd kissed her, and held her, almost like he never wanted to let her go. She remembered the other times they were together, ever since that first time when she'd seen him leaning over the edge of the tower and had rushed over, pulling him back to keep him from going over the edge. He'd wanted to die that night. Had it only been at the beginning of the school year?

She'd pulled him back and promised to give him a reason for living. So began a shaky friendship that had led to what she thought was love. Yes, it had been love, because she'd loved him. She hadn't known what had driven him to want to jump that night, and she'd never questioned it. She just knew that she couldn't let him go.

"There lies my problem. Oh gods Draco, how do I let you go?" she whispered as she closed her eyes, reached for the pendant of Draconis that she wore beneath her blouse, and the tears escaped, falling down her face. "I still want you, still need you. I'm broken and there are pieces that only you can mend. I am marked with pieces of your soul. Apparitions that haunt me. And there is a piece of you joined with a piece of me growing inside of me. How can I ever let go of you when I will be staring at a piece of your soul every time I look into our child's eyes? You will never be gone."

She sighed thinking of the glowing embers burning inside, taking form in their child. She closed her eyes again, trying to hold in the pain and the sobs that wanted to tear from her throat. She was in so much pain. Why had he taken the mark?

She shook, her whole body trembling violently. "I existed for you, but you took it all away. How could you choose fate over love? I should have known. Your name means bad fate. You do what you have to do, Draco. And I will do what I have to do. Even if I don't know how to let you go," she said and then a sob broke free.

Her knees gave and she fell to the floor, her body wracked with sobs as the emotions cut her open and broke her over and over again. She didn't even notice the knock on the door until there was a set of arms around her, holding her and rocking her, as Ginny Weasley whispered words of comfort in her ears. Hermione's sobs began to ebb as she realized that Ginny didn't know why she was crying but that didn't matter, because Ginny cared enough to want to comfort a friend.

"Oh, Ginny," Hermione sniffled and then took a deep breath. "I did something stupid. I fell in love. Tonight I told Harry that I was going to raise the baby alone. I'm so scared Ginny."

"You're- going to have a- b-b-baby," Ginny stammered, and then began to rub Hermione's back as she hugged the older girl. Hermione simply nodded and then Ginny leaned back and looked at her.

"Who is the father? What about him? Does he know?" Ginny asked in a rush.

"He knows. As far as he is concerned, well he made his choice before he knew about the baby. I can't let him corrupt our child. I told him it was over..." Hermione whispered.

"Hermione," Ginny asked. "Who is the father?"

Hermione looked down at the floor and tears filled her eyes and began to trail her cheeks again. She couldn't bring herself to look Ginny Weasley in the eyes as she spoke, "Draco Malfoy."

"What?! Did he..." Ginny paused and swallowed thickly. "Attack you?"

Hermione shook her head. "No. You see, I fell in love with him. I thought he felt the same way, but he took the mark. He said he did it to protect me. I found out about the mark the night I was planning on telling him about the baby. I wanted to know if he felt the same way. I didn't want to trap him in a relationship, and I don't need his money. I just wanted to know if he cared about me. I saw the mark and I knew that even if he did love me I couldn't stay with him. He did what he had to do, and it broke me Ginny. He broke me. And I still love him. It hurts when I see him, and I still want to reach out and touch him whenever he is near me. Every part of me longs for him. How does that go away? I don't know how to let go."

Ginny sighed. "I wish I knew what to tell you. I thought I felt like that about Harry, but then Seamus came along and caught my attention. I wish I could help you Hermione. I really do, but I don't know where to begin."

"And you may think he's a monster, but he's not. He's human. He was just broken by the rules of love and fate. He never knew love before, and he didn't understand it for what it was. And he was destined for that damned mark. I should have known I couldn't stop it. I couldn't save him from his father or himself. Just like I can't save myself."

Ginny just tightened her arms around Hermione as the older girl began to tremble again. Hermione was in pain from a broken heart, and that was a pain for which Ginny Weasley knew no cure...

---------

"Hermione wouldn't think that," Harry said as he looked at Slytherin.

Draco looked up in shock at his rival of so many years. "How would you know? She thinks I betrayed her and our child. I thought if I got the mark that maybe I could protect her, keep her safe. My father would never think I could love her if I was on his side. She never let me finish. I went to Dumbledore. I'm not a Deatheater, although I bear the mark. Don't tell her, Potter. She doesn't need to know."

"Why not?" Harry asked as he looked at the Slytherin, truly seeing him for the first time.

"Because then she'll wait for me, and I don't know if I'll be able to come back to her. When I became a spy I didn't know that she was going to have baby. That thought never crossed my mind. I thought I could help fight the good fight and after it was all over we could live happily ever after with kids. It can't be like that Potter."

"Why not?" Harry asked again.

Draco snorted. "We live in the real world. I will never be good for her. I knew that the night she saved me, but she promised to give me a reason to live. And she did, two reasons. But I'm not good enough, for her or our child. You are though. Gryffindor's little golden boy... So, tell me Potter, are you seeing anyone?"

---------

Finally Hermione's sobs gave way to hiccups and Ginny managed to get her over to her bed. The redhead pulled back the covers and tucked Hermione in. Hermione looked up gratefully through her red-rimmed eyes.

"Thank you, Ginny, for everything."

Ginny smiled. "Always, Hermione. And remember, you're always welcomed at the Burrow. I'd be more than happy to look after your baby when it comes into the world. And mum would be ecstatic."

Hermione made an attempt at a smile. Ginny then snuffed out the candles on Hermione's bedside table and left the room, leaving Hermione to the darkness. Hermione closed her eyes and took a trembling breath as the tears came again. They slid down her face soaking into her pillow as she fell into the darkness of what promised to be a restless sleep.

---------

"What are you playing at Malfoy?" Harry asked suspiciously.

"Just answer the question," Draco snapped.

"No," Harry said. "I'm not seeing anyone."

"Are you in love with her? Is that why you wanted to know who would do that to her and then abandon her?"

Harry looked down at his hands, suddenly finding something interesting his palms.

"Answer me Potter," Draco growled.

Harry looked up, his green eyes blazing with anger and pain. "Yes, I love her and it kills me to know that she would love you!"

Draco nodded. "Now we are getting somewhere."

"Where are you going with this?" Harry asked suspiciously.

Draco sighed. "You love her, and I think because of that you can overlook her child being mine. As much as it kills me to admit this, you are better for her. Wizards don't take so well to unwed mothers. You don't have to do this for me, but do it for her. And look after my child."

Harry looked up at him in shock. "You want me to marry her?"

Draco nodded. "Yes, Potter, but when the war is over, I would like to be a part of the child's life, that is, if I'm still alive. I won't take the child from Hermione, but I would like to be there, to know the child. Can you give me that much? Because I'm offering you my soul for her happiness and security."

"Your soul?"

The Slytherin nodded. "That's what she is, my soul."

Harry looked at him, trying to read this new Draco sitting down on the floor of the Astronomy Tower across from him. "You care that much that you would ask me to marry her and be father to your child?"

"Potter," Draco said with a smirk. "I respect you, I don't hate you. I simply loathe you. And I wouldn't ask anyone else. I wouldn't trust anyone else to know what she needs. You love her, that is enough for me to know you will take care of her. Probably better than I ever could, and you're in this war as much as I am. So, if you don't make it, I can reclaim her. And if I don't make it I know she's safe. If we both make you'll have her and I'll get to see the life I helped to create. That's all I could hope for."

"All right, I will ask her to marry me, although that is what I planned to do before we had this talk."

Draco shook his head. "Always the hero, Potter. I should have known you would be one step ahead of me. You always have been. You even get the girl this time."

"No," Harry said. "I get the pieces of her you left behind."

"What do mean?"

"She loves you, Malfoy. Every moment is marked with you," Harry answered bitterly.

Draco looked up in surprise and a faint smile passed over his lips. "She still loves me?"

Harry nodded and then Draco slowly rose to his feet. "I love her too, but I do what I have to do. You are going to be a lucky man, Potter. I would tell you that I hope she can let me go, but I would be lying. Take care of her for me. And if things turn out for the worst, and I don't survive, please, tell her that I loved her, and that I wished it all could have been different. I still don't know how to let her go." Draco shook his head and then looked at Harry. "Isn't that funny? I spent years telling her that she was worthless, and now she's the only thing that matters anymore. How do I let go of my soul?"

Harry looked at the Slytherin. "The same way I did, you let the little things consume you so it dulls the pain."

Draco looked at Harry and nodded thoughtfully. Harry really wasn't so bad. Draco then turned and walked away from the Astronomy Tower, leaving the Gryffindor to his thoughts. Halfway down the stairs Draco stopped and leaned his back against the corridor wall, as the tears came to his eyes and trailed in hot streams down his face.

He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. Then a bolt of ice ran up his spine and through his blood stream. There was no time for mourning. There was a war to live through. He pounded the wall behind him and then he wiped the tears from his cheeks. It was time to move on, and slowly the pieces of the mirror that reflected his shattered soul began to mend in a strange mosaic, reflecting many things, and it began to form a wall around what was left of his heart and soul.

His memories of Hermione would be kept deep inside, reserved for the times when he needed the warmth to survive, but he would be cold until the war was over, because that was what he had to do...

End.

Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul,

I'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire

The yearning to be near you, I do what a I have to do,

The yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do,

But I have the sense to recognize

That I don't know how to let you go.

I don't know how to let you go, a glowing ember,

Burning hot, burning slow,

Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you,

I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do,

I do what I have to do and I have the sense

To recognize but I don't know how to let you go,

I know how to let you go, I don't know how to let you go,

I don't know how to let you go...

--Sarah McLachlan "Do What you Have to Do"