Addiction

Addiction

"I won't do it! Not again! I can't!" Snape cried frantically.

"You will because you must."

"NO!"

"Yes Severus--it is not a request. Everything we've been working for these last two years could go to waste. This is vital." Dumbledore's face was set.

"No! I won't! You know better than anyone why I can't do this!"

"Yes, I do, but I've already explained the situation to you."

"Fine!" Snape scowled and skulked off to his office, snapping at a few first years along the way.

Memories consume

Like opening the wound

I'm picking me apart again.

You all assume

I'm safe here in my room

Unless I try to start again.

Snape fell into his chair, pulling out a bottle of wine from the bottom drawer of his desk. He started to conjure a glass, when he thought better of it. He wouldn't need one tonight.

How could Dumbledore ask this of him! It wasn't fair! Of course, he should've guessed something was up when he was finally given the Defense Against the Dark Arts post.

Snape took a swig of wine and bashed his skull on the wall behind him.

"I can't do it! I can't kill again! Doesn't he understand that! It'd destroy me! Oh, I know it'd destroy all our work, but what does it matter if I'm ruined in the process! Do I have strength enough to do this alone without falling off the edge?" Snape took another swig of wine. "I don't want to be the one the battles always choose cause inside, I realize that I'm the one confused."

Snape downed several more swallows of his wine before he heard a knock on his door. He slammed the bottle on the table and swooped to the door. He took a moment to calm himself and smooth his hair before opening it. "It'd better not be Malfoy," he thought. It wasn't.

"Professor?" Snape had never been so happy to hear Hermione Granger's voice. He always looked forward to her visits, but he needed her visit this time.

"Come in Hermione. Is everything alright?"

"Yes. I just couldn't sleep. You look awful! What happened?" Snape led Hermione into the dark Potions classroom.

"Hermione, I need you to perform the spell again." Snape started to relate his argument with Dumbledore, as much as he could reveal.

"I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream. I don't know why I instigate, and say what I don't mean. Dumbledore's always been the best thing in my life! You know that!"

Hermione was scowling darkly at her potions professor.

"Professor..." Snape knew what was coming.

"Look! I don't know how I got this way. I know it's not alright! So I'm breaking the habit...," Snape gulped and quieted his voice, "I'm breaking the habit tonight. Just one more shot!" Snape knew the look that appeared on Hermione's face. She was going to fight him on this!

"Professor, I've already explained the highly addictive nature of the spell, which is why I won't tell you how to cast it! So that I'll be the one in control of how bad it gets! I've already let you persuade me to cast it far more than I'd have liked!"

"Please Hermione," Snape managed to croak out, ashamed of his weakness.

"No professor! I'm sorry, but I can't! I won't!"

"Hermione! You don't understand!" Snape lunged at her, tried to grab her, make her realize! He couldn't stand it!

"I won't do it! Not again! I can't!" Hermione sobbed out as she backed away, escaping Snape's desperate lunge for her. She quickly sidestepped out the door, crying.

"Well, at least that argument worked on someone tonight!" Snape thought bitterly. He cast Accio to retrieve his wine.

Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more

Than anytime before

I had no option left again.

"Damn you Hermione!" was Snape's last coherent thought before he drunk himself into the familiar, comforting abyss.

-----------------------------------------------

"Murderer! Traitor! Avada Kedavra!" spat Harry, but Snape dodged the jet of green light.

"I'll paint it on the walls cause I'm the one at fault! I'll never fight again, and this is how it ends!" Snape screamed at Harry. This was it--he'd done it. He'd completed Dumbledore's plans. There was no need to continue killing. He hadn't fallen back into the dark ways.

"You murdering piece of filth! I'm going to make you pay! Avada Kedavra!"

This time, Snape made no effort to dodge the spell. He'd finally ended it. Said the words he'd been meaning to say. When the life left him, and he hit the ground, he looked more peaceful than ever before.

Harry noticed that for once, the Potions Master who had always saved a look of hatred and loathing especially for him, was now smiling. The nerve of him! He couldn't even repent in death!