Undefined

Chapter 24

The Chosen Memory

Snape approached Draco the following morning at breakfast and from the look on the professor's sallow face he knew exactly what was coming. He followed Snape to his office, mildly surprised to see his father standing with his arms folded elegantly.

"Father," Draco said cordially.

"This is absolutely unacceptable," Lucius sneered, refusing to look Draco in the eye.

"Your father and I have discussed your recent behavioral problems," Snape said, "and we think it best if your suspension holds until we can discuss this matter in more detail at a later date."

Draco nodded.

"So you know, Draco," Lucius said coldly, "we will not tolerate this behavior. Pray you remember that next time you let your emotions go awry."

Draco said nothing as he stared into his fathers cold eyes, wondering how much of that hate and aloofness he had inherited. "Fine," he finally said. "Can I go now?"

"By all means, run along and play in the school grounds with the little children where you belong. It's obvious you are nowhere near capable of handling adult responsibilities," Lucius said, his long mane of white hair rippling behind him as he turned and exited the office.

Draco left shortly after, knowing his father would have more to say when they met later. He predicted it would include the phrases embarrassment to the family and a disgrace to pure-bloods. He smiled slightly when he realized they would never know, and given his aptitude in certain areas, could never know those secrets he kept hidden deep within the recesses of his mind.

Draco'd always considered himself a strong person, with little need for sentimentality or conformity, and always acting within his own interest on self-serving whims. But that was before he'd known true friendship or companionship, and the importance of placing someone ahead of his own well-being. The thought of expulsion from the O.S. did not bother him on any fundamental emotional level, but it did bother him on a more practical, realistic one. He was naturally ambitious and strong-willed, and the thought of starting something without finishing it was unfathomable. This propensity struck him even more acutely when he recalled the Unbreakable Vow and those many, many months of training with Snape. In truth, he felt he'd acquired more knowledge than he could have ever hoped for, knowledge which helped mold him into a formidable opponent to the Dark Lord. However, he was not so impetuous to think himself impervious to harm and realized that if he ever dreamt of facing the Dark Lord directly he would need a lot more than pure nerve and natural ability.

He also realized Harry's unique position. It was always implied in their conversations regarding the Dark Lord that Harry would, one way or another, have to face him alone. But why does he have to go it alone? Draco thought as he sliced rat spleens in Potions. He realized he was weak where the Harry was strong, and vice-versa, and this repertoire strengthened their relationship. They had reached the point where they could finish one another's sentences and read one another's moods. Was this not a natural advantage in battle? Could he ever hope to find this kind of connection with a member of the O.S., who, Draco knew, would go behind him in battle not with him?

He realized he could not trust Avery or Macnair or Nott in battle any more than he could trust the Dark Lord himself. The only one he could trust, outside of himself, was Harry. And then it occurred to him: why should he remain loyal to an Order that deemed it fit to place him in the middle of an impossible battle at their whim? For the first time, Draco acknowledged and accepted that he could easily defeat any number of them if needed...including his own father.

These thoughts carried him through most of the day, until he found himself quite alone on the castle grounds following dinner, needing to be away from everyone and everything, especially Snape.

"Do you often take evening strolls?" Harry asked, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"No," Draco said as they began walking nowhere in particular so long as it was away from the castle.

As they covered the area from the entrance to the Quidditch Pitch past the Forbidden Forest and up towards the Whomping Willow, Draco told Harry about his encounter with his father earlier that morning, as well as what was surely to come at the meeting that was yet to be held.

"Quit," Harry said as soon as Draco had stopped talking. "Just forget about it all; it's rubbish anyway."

"I've thought of that," Draco said, frowning, "but--"

"No, but's!" Harry said forcefully. "It's ridiculous and reckless."

"Reckless?" Draco said, intrigued.

"Yes," Harry said, kicking a loose stone far in front of them, "it's a resistance organization with a flimsy goal."

"How do you reckon that?"

"Well, they want to get rid of Voldemort so they can take over, right? Aren't they even considering what to do when someone wants rid of them?"

"If they go about it right..." Draco began, feeling Harry had a very valid point.

"That's the thing, if they go about it right. Rubbish I say. They don't have the slightest idea what they're getting themselves into."

"You really aren't as thick as you let on, are you?" Draco asked.

Harry shrugged. "Not when it comes to Voldemort. At least, I hope to God I'm not thick. He's been chasing me for years now; I can't afford to let my guard down."

Draco wanted to laugh but refrained, feeling it inappropriate to find humor in Harry's plight.

"So you think the Phoenix has it all sorted out, then?" Draco asked.

"I wouldn't know; they don't let me in on any of the meetings. But I do know this: I'd rather be on the side that fights for stability rather than the side fighting for a momentary goal."

Draco did not know how to respond, feeling his mind overwhelmed once again. They walked in silence for a while longer, until it grew fully dark and strange creatures began to stir and howl deep within the Forbidden Forest.

"If I do quit, what then?" Draco asked.

"You could join me," he said, quite serious, "and us."

Draco laughed caustically, thinking how well that would go over with his father. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"It's complicated," Draco said, glad his face was hidden in the dark.

"Because of your father?"

"No," Draco said honestly. "It's not him so much."

"Then what is it?"

"I don't know," Draco said. "I guess it has less to do with him and more to do with other things."

"Don't tell me you actually feel bound to it?"

"Not for any other reason besides a promise I made," Draco said.

"The Unbreakable Vow?" Harry asked.

Draco nodded.

"As long as you promised to defeat Voldemort, I don't see a conflict."

"No, you wouldn't, would you?" Draco snapped.

"We aren't on opposite sides," Harry retorted. "Look, I'm not saying you have to quit or that you necessarily should quit; I'm just trying to give you options."

With that, they headed back inside the castle, at a respectable distance, Draco wandering down to Snape's office, wanting to get it over with.

"I want it settled tonight," Draco demanded after he'd entered Snape's office.

"Unfortunately, that is not for you to decide."

"Yes it is!" Draco said, his voice rising. "I'm the leader; you lot got me into this mess! You can at least let me know what's to come of it."

Snape looked up slowly from the parchment he'd been marking and stood, walking to Draco and pulling his right arm.

"Very well," he said, and placed the tip of his wand on Draco's arm, causing his Dark Mark to burn red.

He then led Draco into his private quarters, to a battered chair sitting in a corner and they were Portkeyed to Spinner's End, the other members waiting when they arrived.

"Our leader," Snape said, adding a note of sarcasm to the last word, "has demanded a meeting tonight in order for us to decide his punishment."

Everyone glared at him menacingly, as though they'd just been pulled away from a very exciting party.

"I thought we agreed to do this next week?" Avery said, looking put off.

"We did," Lucius said, looking very angry.

"I don't care about all that," Draco snapped. "If I'm expelled go ahead and tell me. I don't need the hassle of dreading this anymore."

"How very unfortunate your duties are causing you distress," Lucius said, advancing on Draco and looking quite menacing. "However, it is not our fault you are unable to act in a mature manner!"

"You know how Potter is," Draco said, gritting his teeth, "I couldn't take his mouth."

"I don't care if Potter insulted this entire family and your best friend's uncle; you are to rise above that. I taught you better!" Lucius looked as though he were about to strike Draco on the face, but Draco did not shirk away. He stood taller, as though daring his father to do any such thing.

"We all make mistakes, Father," Draco said pointedly.

"He's a loose cannon," Macnair piped in, sounding particularly annoyed.

"You are a disgrace to the Order!" Lucius spat predictably.

"You forgot to mention that I'm an embarrassment to the family, and to all pure-bloods," Draco said coldly and he heard his mother stifle a gasp.

"That is enough!" Lucius bellowed, abruptly turning away. "I have nothing more to say to you! If you insist we settle this tonight, so be it. Severus, I leave this to you."

Lucius took a seat in the armchair and silently nursed a glass of whiskey for the remainder of the meeting.

"You do have options," Snape said, moving in front of Draco. "You can quit, of course, we do not force anyone to remain a member if they are not inclined to do so--that is the difference between us and the Dark Lord. However, this comes with a price. Your knowledge of these meetings and our plans are too great for you simply walk away with. Therefore, should you choose to willingly leave, I will administer a powerful Memory Charm to erase all recollections of these past few months."

"You mean I'll forget everything?" Draco asked.

"Yes, and no," Snape said with forced patience. "You will retain some memories; others will be manufactured generalizations that no one, including yourself, will notice."

Draco realized what this would mean and immediately ruled it out. "What's my other option?"

"We decide your fate. Should you remain, you will most likely receive a severe demotion. If you are expelled, the Memory Charm will be administered tonight before returning to the castle."

"So, either way I lose?" Draco asked.

"Yes," Snape said.

"Fine," Draco said, refusing to feel the panic rising in his chest. "You lot decide then."

Snape led Draco to a small doorway concealed by one of the many bookcases lining the walls. He ascended a short stairway into a dark room, which only compounded his agitation and fear. He felt his heart hammer violently in his chest, panic swelling and nearly clouding his vision. He felt miserable at the thought of losing all memory of Harry and that that very evening may have been the last they'd spend together. Worse, no one outside of Harry, save Ron, Hermione and Nott, knew the truth; with Nott's involvement in the O.S. Draco knew he would do nothing to help him. Ron and Hermione would, Draco felt sure, but even that seemed improbable if he had no recollection of them. What good could they do if he reverted back to his previous state of mind, knowing full well he would neither give them a chance to explain nor believe a word they said?

And then there was Harry. How would he react to the news? At that very moment, Draco knew exactly how Harry would react, and the thought nearly made him ill. He could do nothing about that now; whatever the O.S. decided, he was forced to go along with it. Unless he thought of a way to make himself remember.

He sat down on a dust-ridden chair and recalled every spell he could think of since first year, trying desperately to recall something that might help...anything. But nothing came to him. He thought miserably of what he would do when he heard the words expulsion and thought faintly of causing a scene and fleeing, but decided he would not run. No matter what, he would face his doom. He did not regret deciding against leaving the O.S. or choosing to let them decide his fate--either way he would lose, but he would much rather hold onto his memories than lose them forever. His only regret was not seeing Harry one last time...

"We're ready," he heard Snape call from the bottom of the stairs.

Draco stood, quite ready to meet his fate. He entered the small sitting room, all eyes on him, and he refused to take a seat when offered.

"Get on with it," he said quietly, feeling quite pale.

He refused to look anyone in the eye, scared of what he may find.

"We have discussed this at length," Snape said, but Draco tuned everything out, his panic so salient he could nearly taste it. Please, he thought somewhere in the back of his mind he could not control, please don't let it be expulsion.

"You must be anxious," Snape said suddenly, "so I will prolong this no further. It is the decision of this group that you will not be expelled."

Draco felt his knees go limp with relief and steadied himself on the back of the chair nearest him. He heard Snape say something about private evening lessons terminated and a demotion of some sort to the lowest level, but Draco could have cared less as he had a new appreciation of something as intangible and untouchable as a memory.

"Are you listening?" Snape snapped, and Draco nodded quickly, not caring in the least where he was or what was happening.

He followed Snape numbly to the Portkey, his surrounding blurring and spinning until he landed sickly on the floor of Snape's quarters. His head spun as he left without a word, tearing into a run until he reached the seventh floor landing, not caring who saw him, or the repercussions as he muttered the password to gain entrance into the common room (having heard Ron mumble it to Neville as he passed them in the corridor some days before) and tore into the room, searching every upturned face for Harry.

Given the early hour it was relatively full, and several people turned and looked at him with mingled shock and incredulity. Hermione stood from a table on the far side the room, her face a mixture of amusement and shock as she punched Ron in the arm. He looked up from his book and stood immediately.

"Where's Potter?" Draco asked her directly, ignoring the staring faces.

"He's...oh for heaven's sake, Ron, go and fetch him!" she said, nudging him in the ribs.

Ron turned and went up the staircase leading to, Draco guessed, the boys' dormitory. Hermione crossed the room and grabbed Draco by the sleeve pulling him outside, well out of earshot and of prying eyes.

"Have you gone mad?" she hissed once they were outside.

"Maybe," Draco said, feverishly waiting for Harry to emerge. "You don't understand what nearly happened tonight, Hermione."

"Harry?" she whispered sounding terror-stricken.

"No," Draco said quickly. "Not him, or Ron or you or anyone."

"You?" she asked, looking just as terrified.

"Yes," he said and at that moment Harry emerged from the portrait hole followed by Ron.

"What's..." he began but Draco cut him off and pulled him down the corridor by the arm.

"C'mon," Draco called over his shoulder to Ron and Hermione and they quickly followed.

Draco led them to the Come and Go Room where he told them, as best he could manage, what had nearly happened, making them promise if anything similar should happen in the future to do everything in their power to reverse it. Hermione seemed right at home in the discussion, spouting off theories and spells she'd read, assuring Draco that even if she had to go to Ministry itself to find answers she would.

"Of course, there shouldn't be any need for that," she said, looking thoughtful, "because there's always a Pensieve, but I'm not sure how to perform the spell or how to obtain one...but it can't be too hard...I'm sure I could get a book about it..."

Ron sat listening as she prattled on, looking slightly uncomfortable with Harry and Draco's close proximity on the vast armoire. Harry, however, had little to say on the subject, until his silence began to irritate Draco.

"You don't seem bothered by it," he snapped.

"I'm thinking!" Harry retorted.

"At least it didn't happen," Ron offered.

"Is that the best you can come up with?" Hermione snapped. "At least it didn't happen? It's more serious than that now, Ron."

Draco nodded, thankful Hermione was quick enough to pick up on his underlying fear. What nearly happened didn't mean it wouldn't happen again, and Draco felt the reality of it press around him like a vice.

"I told you to quit," Harry said quietly.

"I can't quit, you idiot!" Draco snapped. "I have to be careful now--if I step out of line even a fraction of an inch I'll be done."

"It's not like they'll kill you," Harry said.

Draco felt his temper rise, but Hermione voiced what Draco couldn't.

"He'd probably prefer it, if it meant losing you."

Ron stood quickly, the conversation clearly making him extremely uncomfortable as he began to pace.

"Why aren't you around more often?" Draco asked.

"I don't know what you mean," Hermione said, looking rather embarrassed.

Draco smiled, knowing without Hermione's helping hand, he and Harry would never have lasted this long.

"Come on, Ron," Hermione said, standing. "We should leave them alone for a bit."

"All right," Ron said brightly, clearly ready to vacate the scene.

"You're mad!" Harry said once they were alone. "Storming into the common room like that."

"I don't care," Draco said defiantly, finally realizing the implications of his actions.

By the morning, it would have spread to every corner and crevice in the castle. But he'd already made his choice long ago, his feelings determining what mattered most in the world to him, and he acted only as a servant to those feelings, unable to control what they dictated or how he responded in kind.