The Man I Knew

I remember the first time you acted towards me with something besides malice. It was one of the best days of my life. It created within me hope and the desire to keep on fighting. It was such a simple act, really, giving me a hand up after I'd been hexed. But it opened my eyes to a whole new world of possibilities with you.

Suddenly I was filled with the unquenchable desire to see more of this side of you. At first you were hesitant- who wouldn't be? After all, we were at odds for so long, it seemed rather suspicious. But still, you consented to talk to me, get to know me, and I basked in your presence.

I thought I would be satisfied with your friendship, but all too soon I wanted more. I wanted all of you, heart, body, and soul. On this matter you had very mixed feelings. Some days you wanted me, others you couldn’t stand to be near me. But I was nothing if not persistent.

One evening, the entire relationship was put into sharp detail for me. I was terrified to realize just how much I had forced you into our relationship. I was suddenly scared of myself, of what I'd done to you, and I backed off. Very far off. For an entire week I didn't visit you, didn't owl you, not a thing. I don't know if you thought I finally grew tired of you, or just decided a relationship with you wasn't worth it, but neither of those was true.

During that time on my own, I thought long and hard about what exactly I wanted from you. I wasn't quite sure of everything I wanted from you, but did know one thing for certain: I wanted your love, freely and willingly given, with nothing hovering over our heads. I wanted there to be no pain, no uncertainty between us.

I grew up and matured for you. I wanted to be your equal, someone you could respect fully. I wanted to be everything to you that you are to me.

Does it seem strange for me to admit this? I realize it is everything I should have said long ago. I shouldn't have waited to tell you this. I shouldn't have kept this from you.

After that week I returned to you, uncertain of how I would be received, but knowing I could never give you up. You held me at arms' length or further at all times, but I could understand that. You were afraid of being hurt again.

I sat back and let you dictate the pace. I didn't want you to be uncomfortable with anything we might do. When you would tell me to leave, I would do so, no matter how much I might want to stay. When you would call for me, I would drop everything and rush to your side.

Our relationship grew and blossomed until I woke up one day and realized that I couldn't see myself without you there beside me. That without you, I would be nothing. It was both terrifying and exhilarating.

We were happy, and everyone could see it in the way we acted towards one another.

I though you felt the way I did. How stupid it was of me to assume.

One day, with absolutely no warning at all, you grew colder to me. In public, nothing appeared to have changed between us, but in private, you were untouchable, aloof. It felt as though you didn't love me anymore, and I had no idea what could have possibly prompted such emotion- or lack there of- from you.

Constantly you were finding excuses to never be alone with me. At any given time you would disappear, not to return for hours. It made me wonder, made me doubt myself. Was my love not enough for you anymore? Had the pain I'd unknowingly inflicted those months before make you decide I wasn't worth the effort?

I felt lost. The love I had for you was too intense for me to be able to walk away. I couldn't separate myself from even the memory of you- not while there was still a chance that you would return to me.

A thought nagged me, one I didn't want to acknowledge, but couldn't dismiss regardless. Were your actions, the estrangement, your way of revenging yourself upon me for the pain I had caused you? The thought terrified me, tightened around my heart until all I could feel was fear that you didn't really love me. That you wanted to teach me a lesson.

I felt isolated, that I couldn't turn to anyone with the fears that burdened me. I thought that either they wouldn't believe me, or that they would feel your were justified in your treatment of me. I'd never felt so alone in my entire life.

I spent as much time as possible watching you. In public, even though you acted the part of the faithful, attentive lover, there was something essential missing from your actions. The spark that made each look, each brush of our hands, more than just a gesture. That spark made every little action a declaration of love, and now it was missing. That loss cut me deeply.

At night, I couldn't sleep. It didn't matter how many blankets I piled up or how many heating spells I used. Without your presence next to me, I was always cold. It didn't matter what time I went to bed, you would never join me. The nights that you were there, you slept instead in a guest room far away from the bed we had once shared. Not once before the estrangement had we made love. We'd never even see each other with more than our shirts off. Now we barely even saw each other.

I never really did understand why you let me stay in your home, even when you wouldn't have anything to do with me. Perhaps it was to keep everyone else from knowing there were irreparable problems in our relationship? I found I didn't know you anymore. When I would look at you, I saw a stranger bearing the face of the man I loved. I never could stop the intense longing for the man I knew when ever I saw your face.

After two very long months, I decided I had to do something to get that man back. I started with what I thought might possibly be the root of our problem. Voldemort. Despite the best efforts of hundreds of people, he was still undefeated. So I carefully laid out my plan of attack, and implemented it.

But somewhere along the way, something went wrong.

Now I sit here, alone in a dungeon, awaiting my fate. I've tried to forget you, forget our love, forget everything we've shared, but I've come to realize that the only thing that will make me forget you is my death. So I've conjured up this paper and wrote you this letter. I love you, Severus Snape. I always have, and I always will. Take care of yourself. I hope you find someone you can love as much as I have loved you.

With all my heart, Harry.

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Severus put the letter aside and climbed into the small Infirmary bed with Harry. "Oh, Harry," he whispered. "I should have just told you everything that was going on instead of shutting you out. Because of my stupidity, I almost lost you, the most important thing in my life. I'll love you from now until forever, and beyond."

Harry shifted slightly, then slowly blinked up at Severus. "Sev?" he asked hesitantly.

"Ssh, Harry, it's me."

"Don't leave me?"

"No, I won't ever leave you again."

"Good." Harry nestled into Severus' embrace and fell back asleep.

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The End