Repentance

It's ... dark, down here. I suppose that's the only way to describe it. It smells too. Your scent of height is enhanced while you're an animal, but I couldn't even ignore this stench in human form. Should I leave? No, what if he catches me? He could, you know. I fooled him though, he thinks I'm dead. Best accomplishment I ever did, I should think. Well, that and becoming a death eater. Yes, that was good. Though, I do have thoughts of what I might have done ... if I had stood up to him ... but that's not what happened, and I have to live with this choice I made, nearly 4 years ago.

My master's dead, you know. I have no one to run to, to hide against. I helped kill James and Lily, for what? Nothing. I'm sorry, James, Lily. I had no choice, you see. The Dark Lord, he had powers. He knew I was weak and pitiful, yes I won't deny it. You, Black and Lupin were always laughing about it. He figured out I despised you, everyone of our little gang. Lupin - the danger to society. Was I the only one to see he was a monster? A bloodthirsty hound? I was the only one against him when we found out, but I carried on. Black - the jock. Confident, loud. Popular. He thought he had everything. He took everything of mine, don't you remember James? For some reason, after the first few, I never told you all my crushes. I guess it was just coincidence that Black ended up with the girls I liked the next day.

I wonder how long I'll stay down here. Right now, the ministry should be flocking down on Black. They probably think her killed those muggles, and me. My hand really hurts, did I have to chop of my finger? Yes, I suppose so. I always wanted to live as a rat, it suits me. Or at least, it's what was said. It's a shame to find out you were right. Maybe I'll find a nice family to stay with, I'd get free food. Who'd suspect a rat after all? Yes, I shall do that ... but who shall want a rat for a pet? As far as society is concerned, we are ugly and plagued with diseases. I really must do something about the view. Actually, I wonder if I'll catch any while I'm down here.

I can hear people outside. Their footsteps and voices, screams, it all echoes off the wall. And inside my head. I can still remember Black's manic laughter. That horrible cackle. He thinks I'm dead. Killed with the other muggles, probably. You didn't' expected for, fat, weak Peter to do that, did you Paddy? Yes, no matter how much I dislike you all, I'll still use those nicknames. Sometimes. You always thought me the weakling - the wimp. It's about time I proved you wrong. Only took me 10 years. Pretty good accomplishment, huh? I don't feel guilty about this, not really. You deserve whatever will be handed to you. And I'll be laughing.

It's been awhile since I ate. I wonder if there's any food down here ...? No, there's nothing. Only a few fish bones, and dark murky water. I really should get out of here soon. And there's a few more undetectable things. Even if I were in my rat form, I wouldn't eat it. Ah, what I wouldn't give to go back to the olden days, when we would pig out in the Great Hall. I remember when Moony and I kept teasing you and Paddy, Prongs. Do you remember? You two were such fast eaters, it was almost like a T.V show, watching you shove all that food down. Bit disgusting though. Remember that contest you two had in our fifth year? Paddy won, of course, but that was only because you threw up all over me. It wasn't very pleasant.

I guess I've ruined my life too far. I'm so sorry I had to end your life Lily. My sweet, precious flower. Did you know I secretly pined for you? You were perfect. Beautiful ... smart ... loving ... loyal ... it was everything I could wish for. I didn't mean for you to die, not really. You were too precious to die. But you did. Did you know, at Hogwarts, I always held on to the fact you hated James? That maybe, one day, you'd love me. It shattered when I saw you and James first kiss, even though Lupin and Black were ecstatic. But still, I was happy for you. If being with him made you happy, I wouldn't interfere ... I only wanted you to be happy. I still secretly held on the fact that you could break up, but even that small hope broke when he proposed. No matter how much I despised it, I knew from then onwards I couldn't have you. Everyone could see you two were perfect together, including me.

And Harry. My dear, sweet Harry. You're an orphan now, you know. You'll never get to know how loving Lily was, or how playful James was. I stole that chance away from you, and I regret it. I hope you go to a loving home; it's the least that can happen now. I'll look out for you, I promise. No matter how much I hate your father, you're the best of him and your mother too. Yes Harry, I am capable of seeing the good, even if that time is slowly slipping away. I can still remember when I first held you. You looked at me with your big, emotional emerald eyes, received from your mother, and I couldn't help smiling at your innocence. You were so happy and full of life. Almost made me regret joining the Dark Lord, for you were the exact thing that everyone was striving for. The last remaining innocence in a cruel, dark world. One where people dreamed for a carefree life, where nothing could go wrong. Yes Harry, you stood for so much to use all ...

Mhmm, is that chicken I smell? It's wafting in through the bars of this sewer. It comes and goes with the wind, I can hear the rain start to patter. A perfect end to a perfect day. It suits my mood perfectly. I remember when we were seventh years, and we made that pact. I can remember the exact words.

We four mischief makers,

Are friends through and through

We'll always be there to stick together

And always be, friends forever ...

Well James, Sirius, Remus. I guess we broke that. I broke that. And there's nothing more I deeply regret in my life than breaking that, even though I despised you by the end of the year. Maybe I can just fade away, my lord won't be back. Harry Potter freed me from him, gave me a second chance. And I'm going to take it.

Oh, look at me. My thoughts are drifting from one to another. I guess I originally started off as an apology to everyone but now it's turned. I don't know what to do anymore ... where to go ... maybe I'll turn into a hermit. No, I couldn't. I'm not quite done here yet. I made a promise to James, to always look out for his little boy. I may have broken it before, but I swear I won't break it now.

The Order ... The order. What to say? I'm not sorry for turning out the spy, I'm not sorry for anything. But, I am amazed at how you never once suspected me. I guess that goes to show how you all think of the weak and pathetic. You got rid of some of the best members because of me. Stupid move, if I do say so. But, I think that's the only thing I feel guilty for, even if it did put my side in the lead. Sometimes, the end doesn't justify the means. As I have found out. You must understand - I had nothing to do with Frank and Alice. I would have warned you somehow about it if I had known, but that upset me more than you think it did.

The Death Eaters think I suited Slytherin best, but I don't think so. Not anymore - even if I seem to have their qualities as well. It took bravery to betray my friends. It took irrational behavior to blow up the muggles. It took chivalry to admit all these thoughts ... and I do hope you know, whoever is listening, that I regret everyone of my sins. I guess I know understand what the hat said to me.

Ah, young Pettigrew. Yes, you could belong in either house, Gryffindor or Slytherin. You have the cunning and selfish motive of a Slytherin - yet, I feel you would branch out more in Gryffindor. I do so hope you won't take the path you may do, and I hope putting you here won't change that ... Gryffindor!

I guess the hat was wrong. If he hadn't put me in Gryffindor, I wouldn't have become a death eater, I'm sure of it.

I'm sorry James, for betraying you and misleading information.

I'm sorry Sirius, for the injustices that will be sent your way.

I'm sorry Remus, for leaving you all alone in this cruel and dank world.

I'm sorry Lily, for ending your sweet and tender life so young.

And finally, I'm sorry Harry. I'm sorry for leaving you an orphan, and you'll never get to meet your parents.

I was good once -

He scowled, scrunching up the letter. Now that had gone too far. Looking around him, he chucked the letter into the dark water, watching it slowly start to disintegrate and be swept away down the tunnel. He could no longer hear the rain pattering on the gutter so loudly, and figured he was able to leave. He couldn't hear that man's voice either. He transformed back into a rat, and after one last look at the water, scurried off. Some things were meant to be kept secret, after all.