In Your Head

In Your Head

Chapter 1: Hurts so Good

She walked through the garden, admiring the dew coated roses. Her long dress trailed behind her as she examined each flower with the gentleness of a new mother. It was beginning to get light outside, each ray of sunshine like a welcoming call to Hell as it lit her pale face. She was best left alone, consumed by the darkness. Consumed by her own prison.

"Bella! Mother is calling for you!" Bella glanced up from her spot in the garden, the spot she came to every night for solace. Standing in the doorway of the Black Manor was Bella's younger sister, Narcissa. Narcissa's pale blonde hair was swept up into a French twist, and her face was so beautifully decorated that she looked like a porcelain doll. So lovely in comparison to Bella.

Bella gave her flowers one last glance before she left the garden. She ran up the stairs and brushed past Narcissa, not acknowledging her presence at all.

"You know, I hate it when you act like that, Bella," Narcissa yelled after her sister. But Bella drowned it out like she drowned out her pain.

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"Yes, mother?" Bella asked as she stepped into the dusty old study.

"Get in here." Bella approached Parice Black with caution.

"Yes?"

Parice slowly drew out a wand, and with one flick at the door they were both locked in the study. "Crucio," she said firmly. Bella fell back without a bit of warning, her body convulsing in pain. Her mind was void of thoughts, she could only focus on the pain, the pain that wracked her long frame, the pain that blinded her so that she could see nothing but her mother, laughing above her. Parice lowered the wand, and Bella lay limp on the floor.

"Do you know why I'm punishing you?" Parice asked. Bella stood up slowly, and straightened her dress. It was hard not to look at her mother with hatred when the feeling was so strongly burning inside her. "Bellatrix, answer me."

"Yes mother." Bella said, a strangely sadistic look plastered on her face. It faintly mirrored that of an innocent child smiling, one who had no idea of that dangers this world could wreak upon them.

"You must stop it Bella, having sex with boys you hardly even know. I'm so ashamed of you. What happens when you find a good man and he sees that you're not even a virgin? Have you once thought about your reputation?" Parice waved her wand threateningly.

"I'm sorry mother. It was his fault." Bella tried to look upset but just managed to look sulky.

"There's no such thing Bella. You agreed to do it. When are you going to grow up Bella? When are you going to see that you're our only hope. You're the oldest daughter, if you mess up, then you ruin it for Narcissa and Andromeda. You don't want that."

"No mother, I don't." Bella smiled reassuringly. "I'll do better."

"Do you know why I do this to you?" Parice said softly as she reached out to tuck a stray piece of hair behind Bella's ear. "To teach you my child, to make you understand that life isn't about fairytales. When you grow up, you'll marry, have three kids and live in a nice big mansion."

Bella resisted the urge to run. She had heard this speech before, and each time it became increasingly more hollow. She didn't know why her mother tortured her, but she didn't believe she could be trying to make her stronger.

"Your husband will look to other women for comfort. You'll find him in your bed with the local town whore, or his own daughter." She cast an ugly look at Bella. "Your children will grow more accustomed to having the family's closest servant around than having you around, and you will distance yourself from them. Wishing for something more, empty, blind wishes that are so impossible, yet so strong that you'll believe it can happen. You may soon think that you need to leave. Your wants and desires will be come critical for you to survive. In the end what will you have to show for yourself? Broken dreams, three children who hate you with the very soul of their existence, and a husband who never loved you."

"Why put yourself through it Bella? Wake up now and stop dreaming. Stop fantasizing about a beautiful life, because you will not have one." Parice finished, her face set in stone.

"I stopped fantasizing about a beautiful life long ago, mother. I've realized there is no such thing," Bella replied. Parice stood up from her chair and approached her daughter.

"Stay with us Bella. Stay where you belong. You are a Black. You are part of our legacy. Don't go looking for things you can never have Bellatrix. We love you here, more than any husband ever will, more than any child can. If you run off, you will be broken." With that, Parice stepped from the room.

Ah, but mother, you are too late. I am already broken . . .

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"Come down for dinner, Bella." Parice opened the door to Bella's room. Bella was sprawled across the floor, hair askew and surrounded in vomit. "You pathetic girl. Call for a house elf, get this cleaned up!"

"I don't feel very well mother," Bella said. "I feel dizzy, I think I, drank too much wine... or maybe it was something in the food at lunch," she muttered.

"Stop complaining child, get down here for dinner. We're having a guest and we wouldn't want him to get the wrong impression of you." Parice stepped angrily from the room and pounded down the steps. Bella groaned and turned over. She staggered her way over to the closet and searched in it for her cocktail dress. It was a horribly deep blue and the steep slit in it made Bella feel like a whore.

The door opened and in stepped a small house-elf. Bella had never seen this one before. It inclined its head towards the mess on the floor and looked inquiringly at Bella. She felt a strange rush of sympathy she had never felt towards anyone before. It's big green eyes held deep emotion, such as that of someone who had just suffered a great loss. They were both very different, yet they both were held against there will in a mindless prison.

"What is your name?" Bella asked the small, delicate creature.

"Mindy," she replied, curtsying to Bella. Bella bent down and touched her small hand softly, Mindy flinched. Bella straightened the young elf's hat and smiled at her as sweetly as she could.

"I suppose you can just clean that up," Bella said suddenly, standing up and realizing how foolish she had been to empathize with a house elf. Mindy nodded and conjured a pail and mop.

Bella took her shimmery dress into the bathroom and stripped out of her clothes. Her face was red and pale, and her hair knotted. She brushed through it quickly and let it fall around her shoulders. The blue dress was itchy and uncomfortable and her silver heels were painful. She looked like an upper class swank.

Still, curiosity about who their dinner guest was kept her from lingering upstairs. She met up with Andromeda about half-way down. She was wearing a pale pink chiffon dress and was looking very smug. Bella smiled as she entertained the thought of pushing her down the steps.

"What are you smiling about?" Andromeda asked.

"Oh nothing," Bella said, continuing down, still with a smile on her face.

"Bellatrix, don't ruin this for us," she said suddenly. "If you insult, misinform or so much as laugh at Lucius Malfoy, it's the end of our lives. No one wants to marry from a family of heathens."

"Oh stop being so melodramatic- did you say Lucius Malfoy? The pretty boy with blond hair? He's here for you?" Bella asked curiously, disregarding everything else Andromeda had said.

"Yes, Lucius Malfoy. Did you even listen to the rest? I mean it Bella, you ruined it for me last time with Evan, and I won't have it again."

"Poor boy, I feel so bad for him. Don't hang all over him like you did with Evan. All he wanted was some dinner, not your whole life story. He's not here for you Andromeda, leave him alone," Bella remarked, looking at her innocently.

"Is that your life goal, to make me miserable?"

"Well, to kill daddy and to make you miserable, but you see, the latter is much more fun." Bella reached the landing and turned sharply into the dining room. The table was set with Narcissus flowers, the same flowers that decorated her bedroom. Beautiful china lined with gold had been set out at the table. Lucius Malfoy, Narcissa and her parents were waiting expectantly for Bella and Andromeda.

"How nice of you to grace us with your presence Bellatrix," Parice said sarcastically. Bella took a seat by her father who had beckoned to her. Andromeda entered grandly, looking as beautiful as ever. Parice looked at her with pride. Bella gazed at the three women around her. All with pale skin and lighter hair then hers, all with petite frames and B cup breasts. Bella suddenly wanted to hide in shame with her black hair and tan skin, curvy hips and big breasts. Lucius Malfoy however, was eyeing her.

"How nice of you to have dinner with us Lucius," Parice said.

"How nice of you to have me," he said mechanically.

"Lucius, I hear that your father is currently working in Scandinavia. How is your mother doing?" Parice asked, striking up conversation.

"She's well," he replied.

"Narcissa darling, could you pass the butter?" her father asked as he rested his hand on Bella's thigh. "So I hear you've got a job at the ministry now?" he asked Lucius politely.

"Yes, I work for the School Board, I hope to be the head of that by next year." Lucius replied.

"But you're so young! What an accomplished young man," Parice said, staring pointedly at Andromeda.

"Oh yes, I was always fond of you at Hogwarts." Andromeda said mechanically.

"What year would you be in now?" Lucius looked at Bella.

"Sixth," said Andromeda.

"Seventh," interrupted Bella. Lucius nodded and winked at her. He was a very pretty boy. Parice eyed their interactions angrily but refrained from saying anything. The silence after that was rather uncomfortable. Nobody knew what to say. Finally, about ten minutes later Andromeda cleared her throat.

"May I be excused, I'll come right back, but, er, there's something I need to take care of." Bella rolled her eyes.

"Yes love, go right ahead." Parice said in the same cold voice she always used.

"I expect she's off-" began Bella, five minutes later.

"Quiet!" Andromeda came down the steps as Parice said that, looking rather pale. Bella's father eyed her suspiciously.

"Where did you go?" he asked.

"She went upstairs to throw up everything she's eaten," said Bella with a sardonic smile.

"Unlike you, Bellatrix, I actually care how I look!" Andromeda shrieked.

"Oh shut it, you're so concerned with being mama's little girl that you forget, I'm your older sister and I have the upper hand." Bella said. Parice stood up, visibly angry, though she was trying to contain it.

"Mother! Make her stop, she's insane..."

"Andromeda, please leave the room," their father told her calmly.

"No, Bellatrix should leave." Parice said, giving her husband an incredibly evil glare. Bella got up and left the room silently. She brushed roughly into Andromeda, who, for the sake of her reputation, had to remain where she was rather than run after Bella and push her face into the ground.

"I'm so sorry Lucius, so incredibly sorry..." Parice began, overcome with anger.

Dinner continued without much more event, they spoke of the ministry and of foreign countries. Finally Parice decided it was high time for dinner to end.

"Lucius, I believe you wanted to see the family crest? Yes, it runs back centuries, quite fascinating. Andromeda, would you take Lucius upstairs so he doesn't get lost?" she asked, smiling sweetly. Andromeda nodded and stood up.

"I'd love to see it, and thank-you for dinner Ms. Black." Lucius said.

"Mrs.," said Bella's father, getting up from his chair. Lucius followed Andromeda up the long flight of stairs and stood before a large oak door.

"I'm so sorry about Bella, she's not usually like this." Andromeda said, clasping onto Lucius's hand.

"Yes, yes, well it's been a pleasure meeting you but I think I have to go, erm, tend to other business." Lucius kissed her hand softly and began ascending the stairs. Andromeda watched him leave haughtily before deciding that he wasn't worth her time. Lucius continued up where he saw Narcissa unlocking her door.

"Where is Bella's room?" he asked her.

"It's the first door on the right past that landing." he started to leave but Narcissa stopped him. "You'll do nothing with her Lucius, she's in horrible trouble already." Lucius nodded.

When he knocked on Bella's door he expected no one to answer, so when she did, mascara running, he was surprised.

"I didn't expect you to answer," Lucius said.

"I knew you'd come up," Bella replied softly.

"What's wrong, it looks as if you've been-"

"Crying? Yes, don't worry, it's become a bit of a hobby," Bella said with a slight smile. She beckoned him into her room. Lucius sat in a comfortable leather chair and Bella sat on the bed.

"You hate it here," Lucius said.

"It's that easy to tell?"

"Yes, or, well maybe not, it's just that you show every sign I did of being miserable," Lucius replied.

"So it seems like all pureblooded children are destined to be depressed."

"Not Narcissa, she's a bright young girl."

"Yes, she is. But Andromeda-" she began, her eyes welled up uncontrollably with tears. "I want to kill that bitch," she said half-smiling through a sob. Lucius smiled and motioned for her to come over to him. Bella sat on her lap and he put his arms around her. He smelled like the same expensive cologne her father wore. Despite this, Bella felt safe. She rested her head on his shoulder. She wasn't sure how long they stayed like this.

"You're beautiful Bella," Lucius said, before she was overcome with a black wave of sleep.

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'Since the dawning of time, there has existed a power so strong that love itself cannot break it. From this power run twenty lifelines, lines that have been extended around the globe and continue to grow even as I write. These lines are the only of pure heritage. These lines can be tainted, as all beautiful things must be, but they cannot be broken. These lines may intertwine, or remain solo. But these lines may not stray with things of lesser power, for that will cause a twenty-first line to be born, and this line will gradually become so impure that it will die, causing broken ties to form that cannot be repaired lest the world shall be purged. Do not break the ties that bind you to your blood, for that is what you are. That is who you are.'

"Isn't it lovely?" Andromeda commented, twirling a long strand of auburn hair between her fingers.

"No, it's a horrible attempt at poetry and it puts a horrible name on those who can write," replied Bella scornfully.

"But it's the story of our blood, the story of our heritage," Narcissa argued.

"Silence." Bella hissed. "'These lines may be tainted, as all beautiful things must be, but they cannot be broken.' They are obviously talking about our bloodlines, and here is where they make their first mistake. We can be broken, in fact, about two of these unbreakable lines have been so badly tainted that they no longer exist. Looks like our budding Shakespeare here conveniently forgot to mention that," she laughed quietly, thinking of the Weasley's.

"Bella, they can't be broken," Andromeda said, looking at her demeaningly.

"Yes, they can. What, shall we dig up our pureblooded ancient ancestors and have them mate so they can create more of us? No. It's impossible. And the next time you feel the need to open your mouth and inform us of your irrelevant and naive opinions, at least be able to back them up," Bella said disdainfully.

"God Bella, I don't know why you're so fucking bitter all the time," Andromeda said sighing. As an afterthought she added, "And as for the lifelines, we don't have to worry because our family will never die out."

"With any luck, it will." Bella returned to the book she was reading and Andromeda stared at her incredulously.

"Christ, have you not any pride? Or has daddy stripped you of that as well as your clothes and virginity?" Andromeda said in rage. Bella stared back numbly, breathing heavily. She stepped up to Andromeda, who was determinedly trying to contain her composure. With a quick movement no one had time to register, Bella's wand was pointed shakily at her sister.

"Crucio!" Andromeda collapsed on the ground and began to shake. Bella laughed softly.

Andromeda was gasping now. She was writhing and she couldn't breathe. Bella kicked her in her stomach for good measure.

"Choke to death, Andromeda. We're all watching you, put on a good show for us. Beg for me to take you out, and I may just lift my wand." Bella twirled it in her fingers teasingly. Andromeda tried to beg, God knows she wanted to, but her voice wouldn't allow it. "I didn't hear that baby sister, could you repeat it?" Andromeda was full of tremors now, they were rocking her so violently that Bella felt the floor shaking.

"Stop Bella, please!" Narcissa screamed. Bella looked at her youngest sister, and something in her gaze made Bella lower her wand. Andromeda began breathing again, her brown eyes, barely open shifted over to Bella.

"You have so much pride, Andromeda. Do you not see what we are? 'These lines may intertwine, or remain solo,' says the great writer himself. What does that mean? It means that we could fuck other pureblooded families, thus adding onto the pureblooded heritage. It also says we may remain solo; answer me this Andromeda, how does a family who remains solo make more children? The answer is rather plain and simple, incest."

"Kind of funny, it was, when I found both mum and dad's name on the old family tree. Means they were first cousins. And here we are now, us three. Shocking? Maybe. But we are not sick. This is our way Andromeda and if you don't like it then leave. We have no room here for traitors." Narcissa shook visibly as Bella took a step towards the door where she was sitting.

"So childish to speak of things you know nothing of. I may not be so kind next time you talk about father and me. I'm talking about slitting your pretty little throat, and not stopping until I reach your stomach. I'm trusting that neither of you will feel the need to speak of this to anyone, because that would be a very foolish move on your part." With that Bella left the room, poise and grace in tact.

"Are you okay, Andromeda?" Narcissa asked quietly.

"Yeah, I think so . . . " Andromeda said before falling limp.

Narcissa lifted her into a hug and felt something slide down her hand. Andromeda's head was dented slightly in the back, due to the constant hitting of her head on the stone floor. Blood was spilling from the injury. Narcissa took out her wand and tried to think of the best spell to heal her sister with.

Typical Narcissa. Always willing to help someone out.

Narcissa began muttering things under her breath. She heard a noise and looked up at the doorway cautiously. Bella shifted to the side, she didn't want to be seen.

How I wish it was me she held in her arms.

Narcissa shrugged the noise off, and in a matter of seconds Andromeda's head was healed and she, however weak, was conscious.

Maybe I shouldn't have hurt Andromeda so badly.

"I love you," Andromeda said, and she leaned in to kiss Narcissa. Narcissa moved closer to her and their lips met, parted slightly.

Maybe I didn't hurt her bad enough . . .

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Bella sat at her mahogany writing desk with a quill in her hand. The sight of blood had always inspired her; she supposed it was the sick and twisted mind of her mother that gave her such a fascination with pain and death. She began to write, things that would disgust civil people. But she wasn't civil, so she kept on. Her pain kept her going, Andromeda and Narcissa, her father, her mother . . .

With a slight crack her quill broke. Bella sighed and scooted her chair back from the desk. It took her a moment before she snapped; she screamed in range and threw the black ink pot against the wall. She took her head in her hands and clenched her fists tightly. The pain was always there.

Bella got up from her chair and trudged sullenly into her bathroom. It was her ritual every other three days. She opened a cabinet door and pulled out a tiny wooden box. Inside was a couple of small white tabs. Bella put one of them on her tongue and swallowed them down with water. She began running a hot bath. On the edge of the tub was a razor and a candle.

Bella stripped off her clothes and let them fall around her feet; her tan skin glowed beautifully in the dim candlelight. Bella stepped into the tub and shivered as the hot water made contact with her chilled skin. She sank back into the water, letting it come up to her chin.

Fifteen minutes later, her entire body was tingling as the effect of the drugs set in. Bella continued to shiver, though she was now enclosed in hot water. 'Where am I?' was her first thought, and out of all the possibilities in the world Bella came to the conclusion that she was in Hell. It would seem so funny to someone looking on, not knowing that her drug induced trip was putting her through the worse pain she'd ever experienced.

Suddenly her senses magnified, the shadows on the walls became colorful paintings and her own black hair was like an ebony waterfall. She could hear her own heartbeat, her own breath five times louder than usual. The candle swirled before her eyes. The razor that she now held in her hands (though she wasn't sure how it got there) wasn't cutting her wrists but her stomach. Small, quick cuts, but painful as the soapy water touched her flesh. She gasped as she became unable to move her legs.

Bella couldn't be entirely sure of what was happening. The only thing she could see was red water and Narcissa's face. Narcissa, her savior. Bella tried to scream for her, but wasn't sure if she had managed to or not. All she knew was that Narcissa was gone, she had been tortured and killed. Bella sobbed uncontrollably, her tears and her blood staining the water.

She could see her father's laughing face, she could feel his hot breath all over her body. She whimpered softly and the razor found its way to her wrists. Bella dug in, afraid that if she didn't the pain wouldn't stop. It was so hot in the bathroom, stifling her, the walls were closing in.

It hurt so good. When was she going to die? Bella sunk into the water, her head going under with the rest of her body. Her lungs gradually gave way oxygen in favor of water. She stayed under for a minute and a half before a sharp pain in her head awoke her to reality. She moaned and slowly emerged from the water that had overflowed onto the floor. A pale red staining the white marble. Her sobbing was uncontrollable, her shaking. In her mind was everything bad that had ever happened to her, everything she feared, repressed memories, things she thought she remembered that hadn't even happened to her.

Bella turned over and tried to get out of the tub. It felt like if she could just get out, maybe she'd be able to leave this Hell. She'd never had a trip like this. She made her way out, knocking the burning candle into the tub, and crawled slowly on the cold, wet floor, trying to find her way to her room. Bella could hear a loud pounding of drums and a beautifully melancholy voice, lulling her away from reality. She could see red and orange colors swirling around her, getting her lost in a wave of colors that existed only in her head.

The uninviting red walls looked as though they were going to collapse. She could see large cracks and she could hear the crunching as the weight of the walls crunched down upon the foundation. Bella screamed as loud as she could, pulling at her hair, scratching and ripping open her skin. She was lying, back to the floor, kicking as hard as she could. She screamed such vulgar things, and such innocent things. Bella was so afraid no one could hear her, so afraid that everyone had left her. All her insecurities came pouring out.

Narcissa ran into the room, with a worried expression on her face. With one look at her wasted sister she gasped and rushed to her side. There was blood streaming from Bella's mouth where she had bitten her cheek, and small lacerations on her stomach. Her wrists were the worst of all, they were marred with old scars and lined with fresh, deep cuts. Bella was sobbing hysterically, screaming for her. Her hair was ratted and her naked body was pale. She trembled violently, curled up in a fetal position.

Narcissa took her into her arms and tried to soothe her. She pulled out her wand to heal Bella's cuts. Bella thrashed wildly when she saw the wand, screaming as her eyes rolled back in her head. She cried out for help, her hoarse voice sounding like that of a terrified child. Suddenly Bella went completely limp and her breathing shallowed. Narcissa cried silently, healing Bella's cuts, afraid that she was too late.

They laid on the floor for over two hours before Narcissa finally got up and pulled a silk nightgown from Bella's drawer. She slipped it on her sister with a little difficulty and pulled Bella onto her bed. Narcissa hummed a small hymn that her mother used to sing to them, when she still loved them, and rocked Bella softly before leaving for her own room. Narcissa had no idea what caused Bella to have such a fit- no one did, except Bella.

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The next morning, rain was thrashing down outside the Black Manor. Bella woke up with a blinding headache to see Narcissa sitting at the end of her bed, looking so strangely serene.

"What's wrong?" Bella whispered hoarsely, her throat hurt from the previous nights screaming. Narcissa smiled sweetly.

"I saw an angel, she was so beautiful. She looked just like you. She told me that you'd be alright," Narcissa whispered, tears in her eyes. Narcissa moved up on the bed next to her sister, who pulled her into a tight hug.

"I'm sorry I put you through such hell last night. It's strange, but I needed it. To let it all out," Bella said.

"What happened?" Narcissa asked.

"I had a trip," Bella said simply.

"Bella, what are you using this time?" Narcissa asked.

"Say nothing more about it. The best thing you can do, Narcissa, is accept me, despite my many flaws. I know I seem crazy, and maybe I am. But I don't need help or anything, except you."

"I love you Bella, I want nothing more than for you to be happy. Show me how." Bella said nothing, she just looked at her sister, feeling bittersweet.

"There's nothing you would do, Narcissa, that could make me happy." Narcissa crawled under the covers and wrapped herself around Bella.

"Make love to me," she whispered. Bella turned a very pale color. "You look like a lamb being led to slaughter, love, don't tell me you've never thought about it. About us." Bella looked at her longingly.

Bella rolled over onto her prey, quickly, before she could change her mind. She ripped off the lacy gown Narcissa was wearing and tossed it aside. Narcissa took her hand and kissed the scars and the cuts from last night, now nothing but painfully vivid memories. Bella kissed Narcissa's chest, her full breasts and her smooth, flat stomach. She moved further down, between Narcissa's thighs and smiled deviantly at her soft moans.

Bella wasn't sure if Narcissa was doing this because she felt sorry for her or because she truly wanted to, but whatever the case Bella needed it.

The white flowers with pale outer petals and a shallow orange center, sitting on her dresser in a beautiful vase, looked so much better while she looked on them from in between Narcissa's legs.

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Bella threw back her aching head and let the warm water wash over her body. She smelled like blood, like sex, like Narcissa. She scrubbed at her arms fervently. Not as though she wanted to wash herself of Narcissa, more like she wanted Narcissa washed clean of her.

Thoughts ran through Bella's mind as she turned to tenderly wash Narcissa's back. Thoughts of the night she turned fourteen, when her father entered her room drunken and out of his mind and took her virginity. He didn't hear her terrified and protestant screams, perhaps he mistook them for moans of pleasure. Bella cried softly, glad that Narcissa had her back turned. In her head, she could hear the cries after he left her room. She could still see the bloodstained sheets, and how it hurt her pride. After the fourth time he did this, she learned to just sit back like a good girl and let him enjoy it.

It sickened her, how he called her darling and bragged to his coworkers at the ministry how beautiful she was and that she'd make a perfect wife to one of their perfect sons. If they could see how roughly he fucked her when he came home, they'd never look him in the eye again.

"Bella, are you alright?" Narcissa asked, turning around and eyeing Bella's tear streaked cheeks.

"Yes." It was quiet for about ten minutes before Bella hesitantly cleared her throat and looked at Narcissa very somberly. "What the worst thing you've ever done?" Bella muttered.

Narcissa looked thoughtful. She slipped her hand into Bella's and sighed. "I'm not sure. What about you?" She asked.

"Allowing him to take advantage of me," Bella said. Narcissa didn't need to ask who she was talking about. "Your turn."

"Allowing him to take advantage of you," Narcissa replied, kissing Bella softly on the neck. Bella smiled her first genuine smile for days.

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