Shades of Perfection

I was awakened the next morning when Arianna tripped over me. At the pain in my ribs, I opened my puffy, tired eyes and gazed up at her.

"Were you down here all night?" she asked incredulously, staring down at me drowsily.

I groaned and sat up stiffly, rubbing my eyes and reaching for the banister above me, preparing to get up and shower. Arianna stopped me.

"Lils, what happened?" I could see the questioning, pleading look in her eyes as they held mine. "Talk to me," she begged, sinking down next to me and gently touching my leg.

"It's James," I choked, looking down as my throat began to fill, once again, with tears. I knew, though, that I had none left. I breathed shakily, deciding I might as well confess to her. "His dad was... captured, and is gone now. No one... no one knows where he is," I finished quietly.

I felt one last tear leak out of my left eye and careen to the depths of my crumpled robes. Following the tear, I felt as though I could identify with it somehow.

Ari's sigh broke my odd train of thought. "I'm sorry, Lily. That must be what Lestrange was talking about last night. It's so, so sad." She shook her head hopelessly, rubbing my arm and offering me a smile. "We'll find him. Together. Or they will," she concluded vaguely, sounding as if she didn't know herself which she meant.

I didn't know what to think, really. I had learned to continue hoping, but it made it so much harder when I had no idea where I could be of any use at all. James had had to be strong for his mother all summer and it had changed him. Pondering, I made my stiff way up to the shower, but for the first time the warm water wouldn't wash away any of my sadness.

*~*

A group of students had flocked to the notice board in the Common Room, and when I finally squished close enough to see it, I saw that it held a notice about the first Quidditch practice of the year.

I wondered vaguely whether James would be on the Quidditch team this year; I couldn't imagine his pale, worried face light up with the grin he reserved only for the rush he got from rush he got from flying and the triumph of success in the air. And, I realized now, for looking at me.

Sirius waltzed up to us, yawning, his eyes alight despite any shortcomings his life had. I envied that of him. He could always find happiness in everything. I couldn't help but imagine the worst case scenario sometimes. We were lucky to have Ari to keep us sane.

"Morning, everyone," he greeted amiably. "How'd we sleep?"

I just glared at him.

"Just fine," Ari supplied, comfortingly placing her hand on my shoulder. Sirius raised his eyebrows at my expression, but, as usual, his everlasting hunger took precedence over his curiosity. He simply shrugged and climbed out of the portrait hole, calling something like, "Seeyoubreakfast!" as he went.

Giggling Caffrey and Ari met me for class, and we set off for breakfast in a considerably lighter mood.

*~*

Ari had pilfered Sirius's watch from his wrist the previous day on the train, and he was now missing it. Ari, proudly wearing the prized watch, plopped down next to me when we reached a trio of empty seats. Sirius came careening into the Hall at the last minute, flustered and looking rushed. He wasn't at all used to awakening so early. Sirius hurried over as soon as he spotted Ari but ended up on the other side of Danielle and me.

Danielle was another seventh year in my dormitory. She had cappuccino-coloured hair and was small and athletic, one of the best beaters Gryffindor had ever seen.

Now, she was raising her eyebrows at me as Sirius reached across us and caught Ari's wrist just above her hand and just below the watch. Danielle and I leaned back as the struggling commenced.

"Give it back!" Sirius insisted, wrestling with her hand as she wriggled away, whacking at him.

"No!" giggled Ari. She was struggling to free herself from Sirius's grip. Sirius was watching her efforts with an amused, admiring look in his face, just holding on to her hand. As if catching himself staring, Sirius tore his gaze from Ari and turned to his lukewarm breakfast, not releasing his deathly tight grip on her arm.

Ari gave it one last jerk, catching me off guard and sending me tumbling backwards off the bench, taking Danielle with me and landing on the hard stone in a tangled heap. Then several things happened at once. I gasped in surprise as, before I had even had a chance to struggle into a sitting position, James was there. I didn't know what to say to him, so instead I simply looked up at him with what I realised later was a very annoyingly sympathetic stare.

To both my surprise and my relief, he was looking just as concernedly back at me, kneeling next to me on the floor and reaching out a hand to gently cup my elbows, checking on me. He slid his hands down my arms to mind and rose to his knees, pulling me up into a sitting position.

"Are you okay?" he asked, worried. He had such deep, endless hazel eyes.

"Er. Lily?"

"Oh, yes, what? Yes, fine, I'm alright," I clipped, embarrassed, and rose to dust myself off. There is something seriously wrong with me, I thought as I watched him.

James just nodded, and, not taking his eyes off of me, returned to his seat. Ari and Sirius, still connected but apparently past caring, were gaping openly at me. I realised rather suddenly that I'd just let James help me stand--but honestly, where was the harm in that? My defensiveness of him seemed to increase as I stared at his forlorn figure, rhythmically stirring his tea but not drinking a sip.

"That," I pronounced decisively, "is going to get cold." And, with that, I flounced back to my seat, half the Gryffindor table gaping after me in shock.

We were soon finished eating our cornflakes and grapefruit. Sirius and Ari disconnected themselves, earning Ari several relieved glances from girls around the table. Sirius was, inevitably, the school heartthrob, his violently blue eyes attracting the stares of gaggles of girls of every year. As his friends, we had learned to accept the heads that turned and followed him wherever he went.

Danielle's boyfriend John came over to get her and walk her to class. John was impossible and frustrating, but she always seemed to see past that. She understood him. Now, as she leaned back against him, he swept her off the bench into his arms, where she rested, content.

Watching the embrace, I had a burning desire to be like them, to have perfection like that, to love and be loved. I sighed and looked at the people around me. I was surprised to see the same expression that I was sure had been on my face mirrored on the face of someone else--Sirius.

Sirius? He could have any girl he wanted and had dated almost the whole school, but all he really wanted was the devotion, trust and peacefulness we all could see in Danielle and John.

I shook my head and cast the oblivious Sirius a small smile. He was glancing at Ari whenever he could get away with it. She was glaring at the table, focused on the tablecloth. Quite suddenly, she rose and strode briskly out of the Hall. Perplexed, we stared after her, wondering where she could possibly be headed. I might have been the only one who noticed, but I could have sworn I saw her cast a look at the Slytherin table as she threw open the doors to the hallway.

"Indecisive," Caffrey grumbled after Ari. I grinned at her. I hadn't been the only one who had seen, after all.