Run of the House

Run of the House

It was only the third week of the summer holidays, and it was also the first year
that Remus was allowed out of the house. I asked Mother thousands of times if
he could come over but she'd scream at me, "Werewolves are not welcome in
this house!" God, how narrow-minded. I shouldn't have told Regulus that I'd
set Remus on him if he came in my room, but for god's sake! Little brothers
are just so annoying!

So, it was the third week of the summer, and Mother and Father had taken
Regulus shopping for new robes and I had the house to myself for a few
hours. They never usually leave me alone, but Kreacher promised to keep an eye on
me. How stupid! I just told him to leave me alone. You should have seen the
look on his face. Ha!

Right. Back to Remus. Okay. So, I was there in the house on my own,
and well, I was bored. I hate the summer holidays.

I can't remember how I got him to the house. I should remember, but I don't.
All you have to understand is that he was there, in my house, for the first
time, and do you know what he wanted to do? He wanted to play hide and seek.
Of all the childish games to play, he wanted to play the most childish of them
all.

"But you're house is massive, Sirius," he said. "Come on, mate, you know you
want to." The thing is, he used the puppy eyes- well, wolfish eyes, but the
result is the same- and the result is that I give him whatever he wants. So,
he was looking at me with these huge eyes. "Please, Sirius," he said finally
and I just couldn't say no, however childish it was.

...............................

I was hiding behind the bookshelves in the private library. Remus was
shocked that we even had a library and had stood staring at the books in
wonder before I told him that most were on Pureblood theory and the Dark
Arts. He hadn't gone back in the library after that, so I'd decided to hide
there.

I could sense the dark magic around me, but I was too hyped up to care. I
hadn't had the chance to just play in years. Trust Remus to suggest
something so ludicrous and make it so... fun.

So there I was, hiding behind a bookshelf with my heart in my mouth like a
fucking five year old, and Remus comes round the corner into the room. We'd
been running about and laughing for well over an hour and I could see he was
as excited as I felt.

Free. You could call it. I felt free at that moment. I didn't feel like the
son of a stately pureblood family. I felt like an ordinary teenage boy. I
felt anything was possible and that's probably why I did it.

I feel so ashamed when I think about it. For god's sake, what the hell was
I thinking? I like girls. I always have. So why Remus? Why now?

But I didn't think like that at the time, did I? Oh no. Of course not.

It was the hair that did it. Yeah, let's blame the hair. I've always liked
Remus's hair. It's just a bit shorter than mine and scruffy in a way that I
could never get away with. Well, his hair fell in front of his face as I was
looking and I suddenly felt so... strange. Like when you look at a pretty girl
but more. A lot more. I wanted him so badly in that moment. Unluckily I've
always been very impulsive, so I really can't be held responsible for what I
did.

................................

I kissed him. That's what I did. I kissed him and I can't stand to think
about it.

I just walked out from behind the bookshelves and grabbed him. He tried to
say something I think. I can't really remember; I'm trying not to think
about it.

I, er, pushed him, I think. He ended up against the wall anyway. I grabbed
his hair. I remember that. Touched him and stroked his hair and ran my
fingers over his face. All in a few seconds. Then I was kissing him and he was
kissing me.

I don't want to write what I did next but I can't leave it out. I'm just
such a coward and I hurt him, I know I did.

You see, I was kissing him and it was brilliant, but then I remembered where
I was. Who I was. Mother and Father were only steps away in Knockturn Alley after all.
They could have been back at any moment. So, I pushed him away. God, if you
could have seen the look he gave me. It was confusion and fear and anger and
pain all at once. All mashed up and fighting for control.

We stood there for what seemed like forever. Him with his back to the wall
and me with a hand in his hair and an arm round his waist. Then, eventually, I
pulled back and looked away.

I made him promise not to tell anyone. I just hope Remus is okay. I mean he
admires me and James, and I don't want him to lose faith in me. I really
didn't want to hurt him.

....................................

So, now you know. I'm just telling you cause I didn't. I just wanted to write
it down cause I didn't want to forget it... Don't look at me like that! I'm
straight damn it!