Learning the Truth

It feels like his heart is shattering and reforming at the same time, and he's damned if he knows why it feels so good and bad at the same time. He aches, but at least it takes his mind off the hole in his stomach. He tried telling Sirius what it feels like once- Sirius suggested he was just hungry. But Sirius doesn't know, Peter doesn't know, Remus doesn't even know. They can't imagine what it feels like to get your hopes built up, every time she touches him, every time to thanks him, every "Ja- Potter" she lets slip. And then she brings his hopes crashing down every time she refuses him.

He thinks she's put a spell on him, to get revenge for all the years of torment and pranks, because this can't be normal, can it? He purposely gets her angry, because it's attention, and the only way to get attention. No one else he knows who is in love feels like this. No, they all go around doe-eyed, and smoochy, because there's never any pain, or torture, and maybe this is just what unrequited love feel like. He wants it to stops, to end- a love potion, that's what it is, she's brilliant at Potions- but at the same time, he wants it to keep going, because with every day, he can see her weakening, or at least, he thinks she is.

He spots her hair in the crowd- after four years, he's memorized her entire features. If she died her hair, or got coloured contacts, he'd still recognize her. He calls her name, and her head turns slightly, so he shouts again, and she does turn this time, but there's a scowl on her face, but a second ago, there was a smile wasn't there? He loves and hates the effect he has on her. He can change her emotions, but to bad emotions. It's bittersweet.

He runs up to her and stammers- stammers? His head screaming "STOP! YOU'RE JAMES POTTER! YOU DON'T STAMMER!"- But he carries on, asking for a quick word, he needs to ask her something. She opens her mouth, but he pulls her into a corner quick, before she has a chance to protest, and blurts out a quick "Will you go to the Ball with me?"

Her face is contorted. He can't make it out, which is a first, so he stands and waits, desperate for a yes, and dreading a no, but he carries on waiting, and then he opens her mouth, and he says wait, I need to explain, and then he tells her he really likes her, and he doesn't know why, and please, just please give him a chance, because he's really changed, he's stopped hexing people (he doesn't mention Snape), and quietened down, and the last prank was Halloween, and it's now December, and he would really just like this, and he won't ask her again, and he's blabbering now isn't he, yes, so now he'll shut up.

She screws up her nose- quite possibly one of the cutest things ever- and she says, "Oh, I don't know James," (James!) "What would people say?"

He leans back against the cool wall. "You are turning me down," he says flatly, "because of other people?"

"I couldn't do it! I'm the one girl who refuses you! I'm Lily Evans, that red head who turns down James Potter. I don't want to be Lily Evans, oh yeah, the girl who changed her fickle mind. It wouldn't- it wouldn't work James."

"I can't believe this! I'd do anything for you, I've changed for you, and yet you are worrying about other people's opinions?"

She scowls. "Yes. Potter, I'm not going to be one of your 'floozies'."

She doesn't understand, she doesn't get it, and he doesn't know how to make her get it. So he tries his best. "Lily Evans, this is what you are to me, and what you do to me."

He takes her hands firmly, and makes it into a gun shape, relishing the contact, thankful she hasn't slapped him yet, noticing her dark red nail varnish. He points her 'gun' directly at his chest, and makes it kick.

"Bang," he says softly, "and my heart shatters into a millions tiny pieces. I don't know why I keep coming back for more. I should quit you."

He drops her hand, picks up his books, which have been dropped on the floor, and, in a fit of madness, kisses her forehead. She is speechless.

He starts to walk away, but turns back.

"Lily Evans, I wish I could quit you."