Rating:
R
House:
The Dark Arts
Ships:
Lucius Malfoy/Narcissa Malfoy
Characters:
Narcissa Malfoy
Genres:
Drama Angst
Era:
1970-1981 (Including Marauders at Hogwarts)
Spoilers:
Philosopher's Stone
Stats:
Published: 11/10/2007
Updated: 11/10/2007
Words: 2,397
Chapters: 1
Hits: 184

Lithium

ayanastar

Story Summary:
My name is Narcissa Malfoy. I live in an atmosphere of terror and neglect. In the end, what will I choose, to be cold and unfeeling like my husband, or to feel utter pain, just so that I can feel?

Lithium

Chapter Summary:
My name is Narcissa Malfoy. I live in an atmosphere of terror in neglect. In the end, what will I choose? To be cold and unfeeling like Lucius, or to feel utter pain, just so that I can feel?
Posted:
11/10/2007
Hits:
183


Disclaimer: I do not own these characters :( But I do own this plot! The song is Lithium by Evanescence...

Lithium

I loved my husband. Don't get me wrong. I loved him and I pictured myself as a happy woman, married to a loving and powerful man. I could have it all. I was young back then, young and foolish. I thought that the world was as frank and gentle as myself. Oh how wrong I was.

At the time of my engagement, I was barely seventeen. It was a sunny day and my suitor, Lucius was about to come to pay me a visit. I pinned my long blonde hair up and applied my makeup with new-found attention. I was in the sitting room, playing the piano when Father called me. I was led into his office, where Lucius was waiting.

"Narcissa, this is Lucius. I take it you remember him." My father presented. I nodded. Of course I knew Lucius. We had been to school together. Of course, he didn't really pay attention to me then. I had gazed at him lovingly for at least two years. He was perfect. Handsome, rich, smart, powerful and passionate. Lucius walked up to me and bent low, brushing my hand with his lips. I blushed and felt my skin tingle.

"Narcissa. You look beautiful," he said, a smile at his lips. I bowed my head politely.

"Now, Narcissa, Lucius is here to ask for your hand in marriage," Father said proudly. I beamed at Lucius. However, he barely gazed at me.

"I have of course agreed. You shall be wed within the month," Father said coldly before walking out. I turned back to Lucius, taking a cautious step in his direction.

"Lucius? You're going to marry me?" I smiled incredulously. He nodded at me, his piercing gaze on me. He took a step towards me and placed his hand on my waist. I breathed deeply, inhaling his strong scent. Suddenly his mouth was on mine, hard and hot. I gasped. He placed his hand on my lower back, nudging me until I was pressed against his body. He pulled away, smiling roguishly.

"No more until our wedding night my dear..." And with that he was out.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***********************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I sadly remembered my wedding night. It wasn't so long ago, maybe a few years, but it felt a lifetime away.

I had officially become Mrs. Narcissa Malfoy. I had been shown to a room after the ceremony and I sat on a chair patiently. I peered around the luxurious midnight blue room. The carpet was thick and plush, there were a few armchairs by a huge fireplace and the bed was incredibly big. I looked at my reflection in the mirror, my pale skin against the white dress I was wearing. My arms were uncovered and I seemed even paler in comparison to this room. The ceremony had been brief, but lavish. I had a few white roses in my hair, blending in with my hair. I heard a door open and I turned around. Lucius was standing in front of me, his black robes very majestic. I stood up gracefully, hearing my dress ruffle in the silence. I smiled uncertainly at Lucius. I knew what was expected as it was our wedding night, but I was nervous.

He walked up to me and kissed me roughly. I didn't protest. His hands slipped behind me, unhooking my dress. He angrily ripped the fabric apart, where it fell at my feet in white petals. I was standing in front of him, in my thin white shift. Lucius bunched the fabric, clutching at my hips. He started to walk forwards, making me stumble backwards. I fell on the bed and to this day I remember the fear that took place in my mind at that moment. He pulled away, pulling his dress robes off so that he was standing in his underwear. I felt my stomach clench in panic. This wasn't how I'd imagined it. He walked up to me, pulling the shift off my shoulders. He nipped the white flesh there, turning it red. I whimpered and he looked up at me grinning cruelly.

"What? Can't take pain? Learn to take it," he mocked. I closed my eyes as he bit my shoulder. I knew he had drawn blood, but I bit my lip. I had to obey him. He was my husband. He really loved me, he wasn't trying to hurt me. He pushed me to the bed, harshly landing on top of me. He pulled my shift off, running his hand down my body. I froze silently taking it. I went into the back of my mind, the place where no one could hurt me. He lay on top of me, kissing me lustily, while he dug his nails into my shoulders. I cried out in pain, this was really not what I was expecting of him. Lucius was supposed to be caring. He sat up, pinning me to the bed.

"Shut up slut! Don't say a fucking word! This is what you wanted isn't it? Accept it," he snapped. I decided to follow his advice. I was aware of him raising his hand and bringing it on my face but I didn't even feel what he was doing to me anymore. I waited until he rolled off me, asleep. I drew my knees up to my chest and this was when the tears ran down my face. I sobbed and crept towards my husband. I saw the white rose that had been in my hair discarded on the floor, destroyed and void of all its radiance. I draped Lucius' hand over my waist and fell asleep.

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***********************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I love you," I called to Lucius' back as he walked out the doors of the Manor. He didn't turn back. I sighed and walked to my room. I sat at the vanity and took my wand out. I cast a few glamour charms on my face, covering the bruises. Lucius and I had been married for nearly a year. It hadn't gotten any better than that first night. I walked around the house, awaiting his return. I had supper alone and I choked back tears. This was the fifth night this week that I had eaten alone. Utterly alone.

I walked upstairs to my room, changing into a nightdress. I lay down in the green bed and tried to ignore the fact that Lucius wasn't back. I was drifting into sleep when I heard my door open, followed by heavy footsteps. I felt a weight on the bed and turned around. It was Lucius. He looked at me coldly before removing his boots and clothes. I sat up and kissed him. He forced his tongue into my mouth, using his hand to press my to him. I could smell the Firewhisky on his breath.

"Hey baby. How was your day?" I cooed as he pulled away. He raised his hand, clasping it around my throat. He tightened his hand, suffocating me.

"What I do is none of your goddamn business," he said before releasing me.

"But I love you! I want to know how you're feeling. Talk to me Lucius. Don't shut me out!" I cried. He clamped his hand on my mouth and climbed on me, sneering vilely.

"Now let's see if you can finally give us a heir. Wouldn't be surprised if you couldn't, you whore," he said scathingly. I closed my eyes and vowed to myself, I couldn't expose my feelings. I had to be just as cold as him and then I wouldn't get hurt. After he was done, he rolled off me and left into his own room. I hated sleeping alone. His presence, no matter how onimous, was reassuring.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without.
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.

Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~************************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Day after day I did the same thing. I went for a walk, painted and waited for HIS return. And he would come home every night and hurt me. Not emotionally, because I didn't expect better from him and I bottled it inside. I knew that in the long run I would be irreparably damaged. Lucius was getting sucked in with the Dark Lord. I knew it was wrong and dangerous, but I couldn't do anything about it. I looked down at my growing womb and knew. I knew that if I didn't stop Lucius, my child would suffer too.

I couldn't have that. Lucius came home and looked at me with his empty eyes. I gazed at him, not even seeing him. I didn't feel anymore. I didn't love him, I didn't fear him, I didn't loathe him.

"The Dark Lord has given me a task of utmost importance. When my son is born," Lucius said haughtily, "he shall take his place at his side," I glared at him. I would not let my child join this monster.

I nodded in silent approval, my insides twisting in revulsion.

"What? You have nothing to say? Fuck! Be a supportive wife! I'm right and you know it, so just say it!" he yelled. I cringed.

"No," I whispered. He stopped dead.

"What?" he asked in a deadly voice. I repeated myself.

"I will not let you destroy my child as you have destroyed me. You're a monster and I will not let you ruin the only thing I have left!" I shrilled.

"Lucius, I'm leaving you," I sobbed. He lifted his hand and slapped me. I instinctively clutched my stomach, protecting the life in there. I stood up and glared at him.

"Good bye," And with that I apparated to the Leaky Cauldron. Once there, I let my emotions let loose. I cried all my pain, my loss and fears. I was a young single soon-to-be mother and the only man I'd loved was a monster. For the next several days, I allowed myself to feel. That was when I discovered it... What I had to feel wasn't happiness or bliss. It was fear and pain and guilt. I should've stood up to Lucius earlier. These feeling ate away at me like an acid. It corroded me from the inside out. I stopped eating and I had bags under my eyes. I was lonely. I decided that being alone, in pain and without any tenderness, no matter how rare, was worse than living with Lucius under violence, abuse and numbness.

Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*************************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I apparated back to the Manor before I changed my mind. Lucius was by the fireplace and didn't look surprised to see me.

"I'm back. I was wrong, I shouldn't have left. I need you. Our child needs you. I'm sorry Lucius. I won't disobey you anymore," I sobbed. He stood up and nodded. He walked towards me, briefly resting his hand on my shoulder. He then walked out.

"Good. I knew you'd come around," he sneered before closing the door on me. I sighed. I was home again. I saw my reflection in the mirror. I started. I didn't recognize anything of the happy, graceful, creative and intellectual girl I'd been barely two years ago. I had become the rose that was in my hair on my wedding night. Broken, sad and nearly dead. I almost caved in again. I felt a kick in my stomach and rubbed it tenderly. This was why I was back. My child couldn't grow up without anyone. He couldn't grow up with only his sad mother to take care of him. He would grow up a privileged life. I wiped my tears. I would be cold. Lucius wasn't eaten away by pain and guilt. I would be like him. Even if it meant shattering who I was. Even if it meant giving in to a man I now loathed.

Now that Draco is a few years old, I doubt my decision. I have come to realize that maybe it isn't such a good idea for my son to grow up without love. I do love him, I just can't show it because I'm now as cold as Lucius. I am afraid that Draco will grow up just like his father, cold and heartless. I feel bad but in the end, maybe it was all for the best. I probably wouldn't have been able to deal with the pain that I would've felt if I got rid of the numbness. I do not even remember how I physically felt during Lucius' abuse of me. It doesn't matter any more. My son is safe. I am nothing but a shell of whom I used to be. But at least I do not suffer.

I have given in to Lucius, the man I hate, but I pray that in the end, Draco will be fine. Even if I have sacrificed myself for this.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, ...stay in love with you.
I'm gonna let it go.

(A/N: Well I randomly had a plot bunny for this and it wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it. I hope you liked it! Constructive criticism and reviews would be loved! I don't know if Narcissa's feelings seemed genuine. I don't know if I wasn't detailed enough or if it's long enough.... Ok, enough rambling. Thanks for reading!!)


If you enjoyed this story, I have two more posted on HPFF under the penname ayanastar.