Courage and Fear

"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer."
-General George S. Patton

When the door to Lily and James Potter's beautiful home cracked and began to open, the protective spells on it utterly useless now, both husband and wife were prepared. How could they not be? They'd drilled, practiced, mentally chided and cried many tears on sleepless, neverending nights. So when Voldemort finally cracked the intricate code protecting their lives, they were ready. And now, they knew what courage meant.

Courage is

Courage is being prepared, Lily says, clucking at James and Sirius's goofy grins as they shoot jinxes at each other behind Lily's back. She slaps heavy books full of old spells down on the table, sending clouds of dust into the air.

"I thought we were out of school," James whines. Lily bops him on the head and instructs him to get reading. This war isn't going to win itself, Lily says.

Courage is knowing what you're up against, she dutifully recites, practicing just the right swish to make the countercurse work while James watches her, his arm draped lazily around her waist, playing with a snitch with his free hand. The older members shake their heads when they walk into headquarters. "They're just kids," they whisper to each other. "They have no idea." But their confident, overeager faces dare anyone to contradict them.

Courage is living a normal life when normalcy has long been forgotten.

"Oh dear Lily," Sirius says one night as she struggles to stand up, her enormous swollen belly getting in the way. "I'm afraid you're going to explode and shower little babies all over us. Wasn't that thing supposed to come out three months ago?" Lily cuts her shining eyes at him and attempts to smack him in the head, but can't reach her arms around herself.

"What do you need, babe?" James asks, as Lily totters to the kitchen, grumbling about mooching best friends who eat all the good double-chocolate chunk ice cream.

"Food. And a big pot to smack your best friend with. You know, Sirius, I'll revoke your baby-holding privileges when it comes out."

"That'll never happen!" Sirius sings, a mischevious grin spreading over his face as he sweeps back his growing hair.

"And why's that?" Lily asks, popping her head back into the room.

"Because someone needs to watch the little creaton while mummy and daddy catch up on their alone time."
James rolls off the couch with laughter as the snitch, lying unforgotten in the corner, comes flying at Sirius's head.

Courage is learning to trust yourself when it seems like everything is falling apart, Remus insists one quiet evening when he shows up at the Potter's house and finds Lily alone, holding two week old Harry in her arms, sobbing.

"He won't stop crying," she says, her tears dripping onto Harry's little face. Remus, the good almost-godfather that he is, scoops up the little infant and sets to work at soothing him. He's asleep in minutes. Next Remus, the good friend that he is, sets to work at soothing the mother.

"I can't do this," Lily says, grabbing Remus's shirt and burying her face in it. "Every time James leaves I just know I'm never going to see him again. I don't want Harry to grow up without us."

"Lily, look at yourself. You're the mother to us all. You can do this," Remus insists. "We're going to be fine." She smiles and accepts his lies, needing to believe them just for the moment.

Courage is believing in the power of loyalty and friendship, something shown in James and Sirius, Remus and Peter, and Lily too, as they huddle in a corner and make plans, reminiscent of their Hogwarts days when they were so, so much younger. The maps, the codes, all of it sparks a little flame of excitement in them all, and for a little while they come alive again, their laughter ringing down the hallway of headquarters, and in a meeting room, an old headmaster smiles.

Fear

Lily is scared that any second she's going to lose everything that's made her life worth living.

The lightning hits right near the house and thunder explodes nearby, scaring Lily and Marlene McKinnon out of their skin as the door splinters open and two completely drenched figures walk through. Both girls wrap James and Sirius into tight hugs, not caring about their soaking wet clothes. The girls hide their wounds from the earlier battle as they try to warm up the boys.

"Benjy's dead," James mumbles into Lily's ear, and her hot tears drip onto his neck. He doesn't tell her that they found out Dorcas is dead too. She buries her face in the crook of his neck and tries to stop shaking. She's only too aware that tonight it could have been James, or Sirius, or Remus that disappeared forever in an explosion of green light.

Peter is scared of the suspicion surrounding everyone.
James and Remus and Sirius are shouting, and Peter leaves the room because he doesn't like yelling and the beady little eyes that sweep around, accusing without ever saying a word.

"How the hell else did they find us again?" James shouts, motioning to the shattered windows. "Lily and Marlene were here! They could've been killed!"

"I don't know!" Remus yells, and his voice sounds so strange when he's yelling, as though it belongs to someone else entirely. "Where were you, Sirius?"

"Out!"

And the four friends, once unable to be separated by anything, are now slamming doors in each other's faces and shouting so loud their Silencing Spells don't even work anymore.

James is scared for himself, scared for his family, scared for the first time to take chances and risks he would have killed to take a few years ago.

"He's your son!" James snaps, and Lily whirls around, her eyes full of so much anger James flinches.

"My son? James, you better stop and think a fucking minute." Lily throws a dish on the floor and it shatters into a thousand pieces. Harry is still wailing in the next room.

"You think I'm a father? I'm barely old enough to take care of myself! I'm trying, Lils!" He smacks his hand against the wall, full of so much aggravation and frustration.

"Well try harder," Lily says, slamming the door behind her and scooping up her son in her arms.

James follows her and Lily turns around, already forgiving him as she hands him Harry and smiles, a fake smile, but a smile all the same.

Remus is full of fear everytime a full moon rolls around- he doesn't know who will be alive when he comes back.

He goes away to change and when he comes back three more are dead and Lily and James have gone into hiding again. He's met with accusations and more suspicions. He remembers a long time ago when he told Lily they'd make it. He doesn't think so now.

Sirius is scared for his friends, scared that the only people he's ever cared about are going to leave him.

He checks up on them constantly, just a little letter here or a quick visit there. He sees the others dying, and knows all too well that it could happen to them next.

One night he stays awake, thoughts inundating his head. He feels a light touch on his shoulder and turns and smiles at Marlene, surprised to see her awake too. They're both worried, both afraid that their lives are going to end all too soon, everything ahead of them is going to be cut far too short. And they need each other. They're vulnerable and scared, and they're just kids.

"Hey," he says, trying to shake away the horrible thoughts. She smiles, a worried little smile. He kisses her, which she returns with a passion that once again surprises him.

"You know," he whispers, "we could die tomorrow."

"If you want to have sex, Sirius, just say so," Marlene grins.

The next day they see the green stars floating above the house and Sirius runs inside, knowing before he even gets there what he's going to see.

Holding On

"She's dead," Sirius says with a hollow voice, walking through the door and falling into a chair, his face almost white.

"Who's dead?" Lily asks, her panic already rising as she shifts a babbling Harry to her other hip, her hair swinging messily into her face as she tries to perform more security spells on the house.

"Marlene."

A small gasp escapes Lily's lips and she sinks on the couch beside Sirius, tears already filling her eyes.

"No." Her voice catches, but she doesn't let herself cry. It's Sirius's time now, and she lets him sit there and finally let it all out.

When James comes home he hugs Lily so tightly she can barely breathe, holding her like she's the only thing keeping him on earth. They don't need words, they just lock eyes and know everything that needs to be said.

Late that night in their room they lay there and just hold each other, feeling their heartbeats. James wraps his arms around her, and she fits perfectly, and he remembers warm nights at Hogwarts when they would sneak into each other's rooms and whisper under the covers, early spring mornings when a giggling redhead would wake him up to drag him out for early morning Quidditch.

"We're going to make it, baby," he whispers into her ear, sending shivers through her body.

"Sometimes I think so," she mumbles, tightening her hold on him.

A Minute Longer

"Lily, grab Harry and go!"

Lily runs, runs past the broken plate shards on the floor, past the dirty dishes in the sink that just yesterday she was griping that she needed to clean. She runs to the steps, stops, turns around, and locks eyes with James. There's so much to say, and yet no time to say any of it. Now is the time for their courage, everything they've been living and learning, it all comes down to this, Lily thinks. Seconds that stretch like eternity pass, and then it's time for action.

"I love you James!" she yells before turning to the steps.

"I love you too!" he calls, with so much instensity her heart fills just like it did the first time he said those words.

She turns and she runs, heart pounding in sync with her feet up the stairs, where she trips and cuts her leg, but keeps going, forcing herself to stop panicking. Harry is sound asleep in his room, arm curled tightly around a little stuffed broom that "Siri" bought him. She stops, her mothering instincts kicking in for a moment, and she doesn't want to wake him.

Life slows down for a moment, and she looks closer at the broom. Sirius- where was he? A jumble of memories revolve around her, spells and Secret-Keepers, and her friends, or at least she thought they were.

James stands up, remembering something Sirius said long ago.
"You and Lily are going to be married and have millions of little brats and grow old together. That's love, mate."

And he sees Lily flying around the steps, sees the door opening, and feels the sense of dread filling him. He would buy her time, even if it was only seconds. He'd do anything for her, anything for Harry. He stands firm on the ground, wand raised high. And in moments, James Potter truly learns what courage is.

A crash downstairs causes Lily to cry out, snapping her back to reality, and suddenly the world becomes sharper. She hears someone coming up the steps, and she looks at Harry, picking him up quickly. He doesn't cry out, and instead grabs a lock of her hair.

"Mum," he coos, tugging at the hair.

"I love you baby," Lily says, snuggling her son in close. "You're going to make it."

And she believes it this time. When the door crashes in, Lily doesn't even raise her wand. It's not that she's not afraid. She's scared beyond all reason. But she's got to do this, for her son. For James. For Remus, for Sirius, even to prove that bastard Peter wrong.

"Not Harry," she says firmly. "Not Harry!"

And when Avada Kedavra comes, Lily learns the meaning of courage too. And though she doesn't know it, hours later, her son will be pulled from the rubbage of their once beautiful home and will live. Seconds that feel like minutes, feel like hours, pass, and then Lily falls, even in death shielding her son.

"La vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid."
-Pierre Ambroise Francois Choderios de la Clos (1741-1803)

Only the dead have seen the end of war.