Trouble with a Capital T

"Tell me, Remus, does Sirius know how you feel about him?"

The words reverberated in Remus's brain. What does she mean? How could she-- He managed a weak laugh. "What on earth are you talking about?"

Patricia stared at him, trying to see through the crumbling façade he was hiding behind. She folded her arms across her chest. "Well, I think you'd better tell him. I don't appreciate having my feelings trampled upon and made to look the fool, Remus Lupin. I'd better not catch you asking out any girl in this school again until you get over...him." She flounced off across the dance floor, her ponytail bouncing from side to side.

Remus watched her go, feeling his stomach turn over. How could she tell? Did I look at him too much? Talk about him too much? I don't think I did. Oh Merlin, what if she tells someone? He glanced at Sirius, who was dancing with his date, Deirdre. I guess I was watching him. Maybe a little. But not all that much. Although I'm doing it now, aren't I? Damnit.

"What the bloody hell did you do?" said a voice from behind him. He turned to find James, who had apparently put his dance with Lily on hold. Lily had run off across the dance floor after Patricia.

Normally, Remus would have expected James to side with him after watching such an exchange and assume the girl was at fault, but not this time. This time, James had put in considerable effort to set him up with Patricia for the Yule Ball, and she was one of Lily's best friends. He knew there would be no correct answer to James's question--at least, no answer that wouldn't be a lie--so he shrugged his shoulders as nonchalantly as he could. "Didn't do a bloody thing, mate. I was my usual charming self." Was that a macho response? I hope so.

James's nostrils flared. "You bloody...Do you have any idea what grief I'm going to get from Lily over this?" He shook his fist melodramatically and hurried off after his girlfriend.

"Git," Remus muttered. He walked off the dance floor, ignoring the curious stares from other students, and headed outside.

When he reached the edge of the lake, Remus pulled a muggle cigarette out of his trouser pocket and lit it, marveling at the seemingly disembodied little red glow in the darkness and the way the flame sprung up from a hole in his muggle lighter. Remus had only smoked for a couple months, and he had only started because Sirius did it.

Sirius. Sirius was the problem. Not that it was his fault exactly, Remus mused. Sirius couldn't help looking as good as he did. And Remus couldn't seem to help looking at him the way he did. Merlin knows I've tried. I just need to find the right girl, that's all. And Sirius, he's no girl. He glanced up and saw a familiar boy hurrying across the lawn towards him.

"Remus! There you are." Sirius looked even more dashing in his dress robes than he did in his school robes, a feat that Remus had previously believed impossible.

"Yeah, I'm just having a smoke."

"Can I join you?" Sirius asked as he pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his robes.

Remus nodded and took a drag. "Is James still mad?"

Sirius chuckled. "Over Patricia? What do you think?"

"Bloody hell. I suppose I'll have to explain it to him." And when I do, what exactly will I say? "James, I thought I'd let you know that the reason I hurt Patricia and the reason Lily hates you is because I'm a bloody pouf, and I'd rather hurt girls' feelings than admit it."

"I don't think it will matter. Patricia's hurt, which means Lily's hurt. And when Lily's hurt, James...well, James is trouble with a capital T. I don't think you can win against Lily, mate."

"Bollocks."

Sirius sat down on the grass and looked out over the moonlit water. "So what did happen? What on earth did you say to that girl?" His eyes widened. "Oh Merlin, you didn't try to cop a feel, did you?"

Remus laughed. "No, nothing like that! You know, I'm not even sure what set her off exactly." Which is sort of true... "Maybe I hit a sore spot."

"You're dangerous, mate. A real ladykiller." Sirius laughed.

"Where's your date? What are you doing out here?" Remus asked.

Sirius waved a hand nonchalantly. "Powdering something, I think. She disappeared into the girls' toilet with some of her friends. They were all giggling and blushing. I don't know what they do in there, but it must be pretty fun the way they carry on." He smirked. "Anyway, I told her I was coming out for a smoke. She's probably looking for me by now, if she's finished with...whatever the hell they were doing in there." Sirius stood up. "I should probably go back. And so should you, mate. I'm sure James won't kill you in a public place."

"I think I'd rather hide in the dorm, thanks," Remus muttered.

***

The dorm room door opened, and by the seeming drop in the ambient temperature, Remus knew it was James. Pretend to be asleep...pretend to be asleep...he wouldn't hit a sleeping person, would he?

"Remus?" came James's voice. He pulled the curtains back to find his friend tucked under his blankets, doing the worst impression of sleep he'd ever seen.

"Don't hit me!" Remus begged.

James rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to hit you. Not right now, anyway. But come on, tell me what happened!"

"Didn't Patricia tell you?" Remus asked, sitting up. James was still in his dress robes, minus the actual robe.

"She was very vague..." James frowned. Clearly, he had interpreted her vagueness in the worst possible way.

"So she didn't say anything?" Remus had a hard time believing that.

James coughed. "All she would say is that she didn't think you liked her. That you were watching someone else during the dance, talking about someone else. Bloody hell, why would you talk about another girl, Remus?"

"I didn't!" Remus protested. He knew his friend wouldn't believe him, but it was the truth.

"Do you like someone else?"

Remus was momentarily flustered. "Well, yes..." Please don't ask me who.

"Why in Merlin did you agree to go with Patricia, then?" James asked as he started to undress.

Don't look don't look don't look don't look. "Well, see...they already had a date."

"Well, OK, fine," James said, unbuttoning his trousers. "But to talk about her while you were at the Yule Ball with another girl?"

Remus sighed. "I didn't...well, I didn't know I was...I mean...maybe I said something, I don't know. Some offhand comment. I wasn't even aware of it at the time, but I guess she could tell what was up."

"You know she likes you, right?" James asked, letting his boxers fall to the floor.

Remus's heart nearly stopped. He's not Sirius, but damn... "I know," he muttered. "But I can't help it if I don't feel the same way."

"True," James relented. "I know you can't help being popular with the girls. Well, not as popular as I am, but..." He chuckled softly and slipped into his pajamas.

"I'm not popular with girls! Don't be silly! One girl doesn't qualify as 'popular'."

James grinned. "She's not the only one. I heard there were a few girls who were waiting for you to ask them to the dance, actually. But, well, you have no balls. Heck, I heard there was even a guy who wanted you to ask him to the ball!" James laughed and shook his head. "A guy! That's...not right."

I guess I shouldn't ask which guy, Remus thought.

There was a light tap on the door, and it creaked open. Sirius peered around the gap. "Is it safe to come in? Have you finished thrashing Remus?"

"I didn't thrash him," James said, jumping into bed.

Sirius and Peter came inside. "So things are OK between you two now?" asked Peter, looking at Remus.

Remus glanced across at James, who shrugged. "I suppose so, yeah," James said.

***

Remus had believed he was in the clear, although he knew Patricia would probably never speak to him again. She didn't tell James who I was really looking at. Why, I wonder? He picked at his food absentmindedly.

Suddenly, a dozen owls of all different shapes and sizes swooped into the Great Hall with letters and packages. "Mail's here!" Peter exclaimed unnecessarily.

A small envelope landed neatly on Remus's scrambled eggs. He stared at it as if it were an alien life form. "Who could be writing to me?" he asked.

"Well, personally, I always find it useful to read it," Sirius said.

Remus shot him a look and picked up the envelope. There was no return address, and his address seemed to be written in a girl's handwriting. Perhaps a love note from one of my admirers? He chuckled and neatly slit the top open with his butter knife. Inside was a small, folded piece of note paper.

Remus,

I meant what I said. I suggest you tell Sirius yourself. If I see you with another girl, Sirius will find out. And so will everyone else in school.

The note was unsigned.

The bitch is blackmailing me? he thought. What on earth does she have to gain from this? He looked over at Patricia, who was sitting with her friends at the Ravenclaw table. She met his glance and smirked.

"Hello? Earth to Remus? Who's it from?" Sirius asked.

Remus folded it and slipped it into his robes. "Just a note from my aunt asking how classes are going."

"Oh," Sirius said, looking over at the Ravenclaw table and trying to spot who Remus had been looking at.

Remus spent the rest of his day trying to figure out what Patricia was up to. Why is she doing this? How bitter is she? he thought. Well, at least I'm safe as long as I don't date anyone else. Of course, his sexual orientation had had little effect on his dating life thus far. But I can choose not to date girls and not be miserable about it.

He left History of Magic class, his last class of the day, feeling a little better about the situation.

"So when are you going to tell us who it is? This girl you like?" Peter asked as they walked back to Gryffindor house.

But he never got his answer. The two boys were interrupted by a giggling sound nearby. "Hi, Remus," said a Hufflepuff girl, her cheeks pink.

"Uh, hi," he replied.

The girl and her friends burst into fits of giggles again and hurried off down the corridor. Remus watched them go, dumbfounded. "What the hell was that?"

"You're popular," Peter replied.

"But why? What did I do?"

His friend shrugged. "I don't know. Quite a few girls like you, and they have done for some time, I think, but it seems to have gotten worse since the girls found out you liked someone, that you were so enamored with some girl that you ignored your date. All the ones who used to just watch you from afar are coming out of the woodwork, hoping it's them."

"They're coming out of something, all right," Remus muttered.

Peter shrugged. "Well, I'll see you in a bit," he said, and ducked into the boys' toilet.

"Hi Remus!"

He turned around to find Amanda Jenkins, an attractive blond a year younger than himself. "Oh, hi," he muttered.

"How were your classes?" she asked, inching closer.

"Um, fine."

Amanda smiled. "Mine were OK, I guess. Although one more class with Snape, and..." She laughed. "Listen, we've got a Hogsmeade weekend coming up in a couple weeks, and I was wondering...maybe we could spend some time together there?"

Is she asking me on a date? He glanced around quickly. If Patricia saw...He looked at his watch. "Oh, Merlin! I'm supposed to meet James! I'd better go, or he'll kill me."

She frowned. "Well, OK. We can talk later?"

"Um, sure," he said, hurrying off.

***

"You are the single luckiest bloke in the whole school," James told Remus that evening as they all sat in their dorm room, gorging themselves on wizard candies.

"I'm not sure I'd use the word 'lucky,'" Remus replied. "I keep getting giggled over and ogled everywhere I go."

"Poor baby."

Sirius set a Chocolate Frog loose to see how far it could hop, and then he looked up at Remus with a raised eyebrow. "Hang on a second. Are any of these gigglers the girl you like?"

Remus chuckled. "Well, no, actually."

"Ah, that's the problem then, isn't it?" Sirius picked up the now-still frog from the floor and brushed the dust off it before taking a bite. "Although I don't know why it has to be this one girl. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, you know."

Peter whistled softly. "Have you seen some of the girls who like him? Amanda? Cassie?"

"OK, that's it!" Sirius said. "If Amanda's hot for you, you need to go for it, Moony. Forget whoever this other girl is. I still don't know why you won't tell us who it is, but forget her. Ask Amanda out. I demand it."

Peter cleared his throat and looked at Remus. "Um, I saw her talking to you in the corridor earlier as I came out of the loo, and it looked like she was asking you out."

Remus swallowed. "She was just talking. About homework. And erm, I'd really rather not ask her out..."

"Are you insane?" asked Sirius. "She's unbelievably hot! Hottest girl in the school!" He noticed James glaring at him. "Well, except for Lily, of course."

"I can't..." Remus muttered.

Sirius threw up his hands in despair. "OK, Remus, tell us who this other girl is that she outranks Amanda."

Remus smiled wanly. "Um, you don't know her."

"Because she doesn't exist," James said.

"Um, she does..."

James fingered his wand, frowning. "Your whole explanation for the way you treated Patricia is just bullshit, isn't it? You lied to us."

"No...it's not that. It's just more complicated than you think, and I don't want to go into it."

"I think you're a bloody liar, mate," James said, throwing an Every Flavour bean at him. "I don't know what the hell is going on with you. I set you up with a pretty girl, a girl who likes you, Remus. And need I remind you who she's best friends with?"

"Lily?" Peter injected.

James threw him an evil glare. "Way to pay attention," he said, throwing a bean at Peter and turning back to Remus. "Yes, Lily. My girlfriend. My girlfriend, who is now mad at me because you hurt her best friend. And I don't know what you did to her that she's telling lies for you. What the bloody hell kind of hold do you have on her?"

She's the one with a hold on me. "I don't have any kind of hold on her!" Remus protested.

"So what is it? Is she protecting you? After you hurt her feelings? I find that hard to believe. You'd just better hope I never get my hands on some veritaserum, Lupin. You don't want to be spilling your guts at the breakfast table, do you?"

Sirius grinned. "Sounds like a challenge! Quick, someone hand me the map!"

James shot him a look. "We're not getting any bloody veritaserum. Not yet."

***

The next evening after dinner, Remus decided to stay in the common room for as long as possible, to sleep there if need be. It put him in the midst of the giggling girls, but he didn't want to face his friends.

If only it were so easy, he thought. If only I could just say, "Yes, I like someone! But it's not a girl! It's Sirius!" But bollocks, I can't tell them that.

Much to his chagrin, Amanda walked into the common room, and it seemed she had quite purposefully "forgotten" to fasten the top two buttons of her blouse. "Is this seat taken?" she asked him, giving him her sexiest smile.

Remus cleared his throat. "No. It's all yours."

"Cheers," she said, perching on the edge and letting her skirt ride up a couple inches. "So where are your friends this evening?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. They're around somewhere."

"Well, it's nice to get you all by yourself for once." She looked down at the book in his hands, a book he clearly hadn't been reading. "What's that?"

Remus looked at the pages. "Um, it's an account of the witch trials in the states," he muttered.

"Is it interesting?"

"I suppose so. But I'm not in the mood to read right now."

Amanda's eyes lit up. "Oh? What are you in the mood for?" She tossed her blond hair back over her shoulders.

"Thinking, really."

"Anything I can help you with?" she asked. "I'm not the world's greatest thinker, but I've been told I'm pretty good at giving advice."

Remus shrugged again. "Well, let's see...OK, let's say that there's something you've never told anyone. You're pretty sure that if you did, it would ruin everything for you, especially with your friends."

"What on earth could be that bad?" she asked.

"It doesn't matter," he muttered. "Now, let's say that someone finds out about this secret. And let's say that this person is now going to blackmail you: they'll tell everyone this secret if you step out of line. And let's say that the lies you've told about this thing are starting to catch up to you, too. What would you do?"

Amanda frowned. "Wow, that's a tough one! Although I have to admit it sounds pretty exciting, if you don't mind my saying so." She thought for a moment. "It seems to me like if your friends are really your friends, they won't have a problem with whatever this secret is. And if they do, they weren't really your friends."

Remus chewed this over. "You may have a point."

"Of course I do!"

"I just don't know that I can muster the courage."

She laughed. "Well, if you're being blackmailed, it will come out one way or another. And who would people rather hear it from?"

***

Remus spent Defense Against the Dark Arts class trying to get the courage to come out to his friends, or at least to Sirius. I know I should, but...what if he hates me? I won't be able to stand it if he hates me for this, I don't care what that would say about our friendship. He frowned. Oh, who am I kidding? I can't tell him. Remus had liked Sirius for a couple years, years he'd spent dating girls to pretend to himself and the rest of the world that he was normal, or as normal as a werewolf could be. And things had gone so well. It was that stupid Yule Ball. Why did I ever go to that? Why couldn't I take my eyes off Sirius for five bloody seconds?

Like many other students, Remus opted to return to his house after classes ended. It was pouring outside, and no one was in the mood to go play.

"Remus! There you are!" said Sirius. He was lounging around the common room, smoking a cigarette.

"Hi. Um, you're not supposed to be smoking in here, Sirius," Remus replied.

Sirius blew smoke in Remus's direction. "It's raining out. No other way to do it." He sat up, grinning. "Want to go have some fun?"

Remus frowned. "What sort of fun?"

"I thought we could grab James's cloak and go sneak into the kitchens. I'm starved."

"We're going to eat dinner in an hour, Sirius!"

Sirius waved his hand dismissively, and his cigarette flew across the room. Remus hurried to retrieve it before it burned a hole in the rug. "Well, what are we going to do until then? May as well sneak around and have a little fun."

Remus brought the cigarette back and stubbed it out. "Well, OK," he muttered. "Where's James?"

"Got hurt."

"Hurt? How?"

Sirius shrugged. "A little mishap with a spell. Nothing of importance." He jumped up off the sofa. "Come on, let's get the cloak!"

Remus shook his finger at Sirius in what he hoped was a good imitation of an angry teacher. "What did you do to James?"

"Now, why do you immediately assume I did something?" Sirius asked. "I don't know where you got this idea that I'm the sort of person who would try to give my best friend elephant ears." He gave Remus a gentlemanly bow and smiled. "To the cloak, my fine werew--my fine friend!"

Remus shrugged and followed Sirius up to their dorm room. There, he headed straight for James's trunk and pulled out his cloak, and the two boys pulled it over their heads. He was so close to Sirius that they were touching in some places, and his senses were immediately assailed by Sirius's scent, musky with a delicious keynote of cigarettes. Oh Merlin, he thought.

"You OK, mate?" Sirius asked. "You look a bit peakish."

"I'm fine," Remus said. "Let's go already."

Sirius lifted Remus's chin to get a good look at him. "You look a bit flushed."

Remus swallowed hard at the feel of his friend's hand on his skin. "I feel fine! It's just hot under this thing."

Sirius chuckled and fingered the fabric of the cloak. "Under this? It's silk, you ninny. And it's freezing outside, and you're just in your school robes." He eyed him suspiciously. "I think you're coming down with something."

"Sirius, let's just go!"

"Well, come here," Sirius muttered, putting an arm around Remus's waist. "I don't want you falling down or anything. I can't lose two friends in one day. Imagine McGonagall's reaction.'"

Remus laughed as heartily as he could, trying to ignore the feel of his friend's arm against his back, and the two slipped out of the room, through the common room, and out into the school corridors.

"Want me to take my arm off?" Sirius whispered after a few minutes. "You seem to be walking OK."

The soft sound of his friend's voice in his ear and the hot breath on his neck made chills go up and down Remus's spine. Why is he whispering? There's no one around. "I...I...I think I still feel a little wonky," he said, and he was glad it wasn't a lie.

"OK," Sirius whispered. Remus thought he felt the arm around his waist tighten slightly.

"How much further is it?" Remus whispered back. "I thought it was up here somewhere."

Sirius grinned. "It is. Right around this corner." He gestured, thrusting his arm in front of Remus's face.

"Sirius!" Remus exclaimed. He dodged the boy's arm and fell against him as he did so. The two boys lost their balance momentarily and almost fell over. "You bloody git!"

"Keep your voice down!"

Remus gave a hollow laugh. "You keep your voice down!" He stopped as he saw Sirius bend down and pick something up off the floor. "What is that?"

Sirius stood up straight again, staring at the piece of paper in his hand. He was silent for a few nervous moments. "Tell Sirius what?" he asked, thrusting the piece of paper towards his friend.

The note! It must have fallen out when... "That's mine, Sirius," he said, reaching for it, but Sirius was in no mood to give it back.

"What is it you have to tell me, Remus?" He glanced at the paper again. "Who wrote this? Patricia? What is she going on about?"

Remus laughed weakly. "You know girls, Sirius. She..." But he couldn't think of a plausible lie.

Sirius crossed his arms in front of his chest and stared at his friend, waiting.

You've got to do this sometime. But not like this...I don't want it to be like this. "It's about the dance," he said. "It's about who I like."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Go on."

"It's you, all right? I like you!" Remus shouted. There. It's out now. He looked down at the floor.

Never had a school corridor been so quiet. Remus was panicking in silence, wishing his stomach would stop turning over. Sirius had a startled look on his face and was clearly mulling over Remus's words.

"You're not going to say anything?" Remus asked. "Call me sick. Hit me. Something!"

Sirius sighed. "I'm not going to hit you," he said. "I was just...thinking." He fingered the cloak in his hands. "How long have you liked me?"

Remus gulped. "Um, a couple years."

"A couple years?!" Sirius cried. "You've liked me for a couple years and haven't--" He broke off and suddenly started laughing. "We are the biggest idiots in Hogwarts."

Remus's eyes widened. "What?"

Sirius moved closer and took Remus's hands in his. "Neither one of us had the balls to tell the other one how we felt," he said.

Remus found that his brain had stopped working. "Errrr."

"We are morons."

"You...you like me?" Remus asked. "But how can that be? You've never given me any indication of that. You've always dated girls, and you've seemed really happy snogging them at every opportunity. You're not...gay." He whispered the last word.

Sirius smirked. "I don't know what I am."

"Well, I think I'm...gay. I've never liked girls. I kept trying, but...so I went to the dance with Patricia. And you went with Deirdre. And we both wished we could have gone together?" Remus chuckled.

Sirius started laughing. "Did you ever hear any rumors about a guy wishing he could take you to the dance?"

"You--"

"Guilty," Sirius replied. "I started the rumor, actually. I guess I just did it to see how you'd react to the idea, although I thought you liked girls, so I don't know what I expected you to do."

Remus hugged himself against the chill of the corridor. "Well, maybe we can go to the next dance together," he suggested.

Sirius threw an arm around him playfully. "And who will wear the dress?" he asked.

"You're awful," Remus replied. "Man, I have bad taste in guys. You know, Peter isn't bad-looking..."

Sirius kissed Remus quickly on the cheek. "Don't you dare."