How Soon Is Now?

***

I am the son

and the heir

of a shyness that is criminally vulgar

I am the son and heir

of nothing in particular

***

Remus Lupin was sitting on the common room sofa with his Charms textbook. But if anyone had looked closely, they'd have noticed that his soft brown eyes were directed across the room instead of at the words on the page.

What is it about him? he thought. What is this mysterious appeal he has? And why does it affect me so much?

Sirius Black wasn't doing anything special to attract attention, or so he thought. He was talking to his best friend James about the latest Howler he had got from his family's house-elf, Kreacher.

"Oh Merlin. Looks like I'm going to be disowned again," he said in a mock whiny voice, and laughed. "'You're a total disgrace to the whole family.' 'You'll never amount to anything.' 'You should never have been born.' Same old story. You'd think he'd come up with some new insults."

James smiled. "What does he know?"

"He knows me all too well," Sirius replied, crossing his leg over his knee. He sighed. "He hears it all from dear ol' Mum."

"Well, let's go get some parchment so you can write him back. Let no bad deed go unpunished, I say," said James.

I could tell him, Remus was thinking to himself. Every so often, he gives me a look. Like the look he's giving me now. Sirius winked at him and grinned. If only I could tell him.

James and Sirius jumped to their feet and headed for the dorm staircase. "I love sending owls home," mused Sirius.

Remus watched their retreat (and Sirius' arse) and sighed. He remembered dinner the evening before and the girl who'd put her hand on Sirius' arm. He remembered the look of sheer pleasure that shot across the boy's face. Why couldn't he just be gay?

He shook his head and tried to read.

***

You shut your mouth

how can you say

I go about things the wrong way

I am human and I need to be loved

just like everybody else does

***

"Put down that book, mate," James said to Remus as the boys walked back into the common room.

"I need to study," Remus protested. "Or did you forget we need to read chapter 4 by tomorrow?"

James pushed the book down into Remus' lap. "No, I didn't forget. But you have plenty of time to do that."

"And I choose to do it now."

James glanced at Sirius and smirked. "You know what Moony needs, don't you?"

"What?" Sirius asked, wetting the tip of his quill with his tongue. Remus stared, enthralled.

"He needs a girlfriend, that's what!" James declared. "Something to pull him out of this funk he seems to be in. I know that for me, a girl usually does the trick."

Sirius looked up from his parchment and chuckled. "You know, mate, you may just have a point there. But Remus is no ladies' man." He went back to writing his owl.

How does he know? Remus thought.

"Well, that's true," replied James. He looked at Remus. "You'll never get a girl if you don't talk to any of them." He gestured broadly at the girls in the common room with them, who glanced at him, puzzled.

"I'm just not..." Remus broke off.

"Maybe he's one of those eternal bachelor types," James said to Sirius, chuckling. "I never hear him talking about girls. He'll just end up as some weird old guy who talks to his house-elves."

Sirius frowned and then grinned. "You're mean. But funny."

"Maybe we can help him out," James suggested.

"I don't like the sound of this," muttered Remus.

James threw himself down on the sofa next to Remus and grinned. "We're going to find you a girl!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Please don't play matchmaker for me! I'm fine."

"Yes, you are," said Sirius, looking up. Remus turned beet red. "And you need to share your handsome self with a beautiful woman."

Why can't I just share it with you?

James glanced at Sirius and lowered his voice. "Let's take him with us to The Goblin's Den tomorrow night," he said.

Sirius smirked.

***

There's a club if you'd like to go

you could meet somebody who really loves you

so you go, and you stand on your own

and you leave on your own

and you go home, and you cry

and you want to die

***

The music was loud. So loud that Remus' head hurt before they'd even walked in the door. "I'm not sure about this," he muttered, but the others didn't hear him.

"Oh man, look at the girls in this place," said Sirius as they opened the door. "Smashing idea, Prongs." He threw an arm around his friend and laughed.

James glanced at Peter. "What on earth made you decide to wear that awful shade of green?" The blond boy winced. "You look like a walking bogey. And Remus! A jumper?"

"Shove off," Remus muttered.

"Aw, I think he looks cuddly," Sirius said. "Some girls go for that look." He spotted the bar. "Who's up for a butterbeer?"

"Yeah, count me in," James replied.

"Cheers, mate," said Peter.

But Remus shook his head. "I'm not thirsty. I think I'll just sit down for a bit." He settled into a chair towards the back. Sirius rolled his eyes and disappeared.

"Remus, you can't spend the whole evening sitting there," Peter whined. "Have some fun."

"I'd really rather not," Remus muttered.

James and Peter shrugged and headed for the wizard jukebox with handfuls of sickles.

Remus' mood only worsened as the evening wore on. He saw Sirius chatting up a cute brunette by the bar and felt his stomach sink. Look at him. Hitting on girl after girl. He could have any girl here. He sighed. And they think it's so simple. "Oooh, let's get Remus a girlfriend! That'll fix him!" Right. Like a girlfriend is what I want. He eyed Sirius. What girl has hair like that? Or an arse like that? Or can make me laugh like he does? "Get Remus a girlfriend" indeed. He scoffed.

Remus had thought his loneliness had ended in when he met Sirius, James, and Peter in his first year at Hogwarts. He hadn't realised it was only the beginning. Having friends was a great thing, but nothing could really compare to love.

He licked his lips, and then he did it again. Well, that's the only action they're ever going to see.

"Moony! For Merlin's sake! Get up off that chair and have some fun already!" James said, walking over and reaching for his hand. "You're never going to get anywhere with the girls if you just sit there, moping around."

Remus glared at him. "I'd really rather just go back to Hogwarts," he muttered.

"Hogwarts? Look around you! Drinks, girls, music..."

"He's not going back, is he?" asked Sirius. He was standing next to James, the cute brunette at his side. He looked at Remus. "You're not leaving, are you?"

"I'd really rather just go back," Remus muttered, getting up.

Sirius gaped. "No! Moony, I wanted to introduce you to someone. Samantha, this is Remus. Remus, this is Samantha. And you'll love this, mate: she likes to read, too!" He laughed. "You two were made for each other." He gently nudged the girl towards Remus, who was staring at him in horror.

"I..." He didn't know what to say, not without being rude to Samantha. So he made the worst possible choice instead: he ran out of the bar.

***

When you say it's gonna happen "now"

well, when exactly do you mean?

see I've already waited too long

and all my hope is gone

***

"Remus?" came a voice.

Remus was lying on his bed, the top bunk, staring at the ceiling. "What?"

"Why'd you take off like that?" It was James. "That was really rude."

"Bugger off."

"That was rude, too."

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" Remus asked.

James pulled himself up on the bunk bed ladder so he was looking at his friend. "Because I'm your mate, and I want to help. Sirius even found you a girl, mate. You could have at least talked to her for a bit. Would it have killed you?"

"I wasn't interested. I didn't want to be there at all."

"But why not?"

Remus sighed. "It's easier for you and Sirius, you know. You can just go out there and woo all the ladies with no trouble. I'm not like you." How true is that?

"You think it's easy? You think I've had an easy time wooing Lily?"

"Well, you always make it look easy. Things aren't like that for me."

"You're shy. That's your trouble," James commented. "You're scared of girls."

No, just completely uninterested. "Why would I be scared of girls? Slytherin girls, maybe. But not Gryffindors."

"If we could just help you..."

"You can't. You can't make me into someone else. I am the way I am."

James patted him on the leg from where he stood, hugging the top of the ladder. "You'll find someone, mate. Just don't worry about it, and it will sort itself out. My dad wasn't much of a ladies' man in school, either, and he's happily married now. You'll find someone soon."

Sirius walked into the room, pulling off his shirt. "Elizabeth," he breathed. "I'll be dreaming of her tonight."

Remus watched Sirius--the way his young muscles tightened across his bare chest, the growing lump in the front of his friend's shorts. He glanced back at James. "No, I don't think I'll find anyone soon," he muttered.