Wandering In Thought

Wandering In Thought

She stopped trying to remember the last time she fell asleep without thinking about it. She stopped trying to find other ways to make her heavy lidded but unyielding eyes shut. She had given in to the devastating and consuming need, a need that ran through her veins mingling with her blood and attaching itself to her very soul. She had a relationship driven by lust and now she craved one filled with love.

When she drifted to sleep she slipped into dreams of drowning in eyes like dark pools, only to be pulled out by a voice like a silk rope and have it wrap around her throat to choke the life from her. It was vicious bliss that made her crave him in every conscious and unconscious moment.

He filled her every physical need but never gave the effort to show his heart. So in this way he gave her pain. But she would give away her soul rather then have, any feeling from him was threatened. For what is better, to feel the bite of hate from someone you love or to have nothing from them at all?

She had loved before, but never like this. She'd had childhood crushes on boys that appeared invincible. She'd had infatuations with men that rivaled Adonis. She had tasted what perfection was and she knew its sugar-coated taste was far too much for her. Now, she was reveling in the dark side of love, where there was never a need to meet high expectations and show false faces. She found that in this shadowed paradise, she much preferred bitter to sweet. So much more.

She felt they could have it, if only she could force herself to take the next step, telling him all her feelings. Fear stopped her. She knew that they could have so much more then lust. But she also knew that he feared love, feared that it would turn him into a fool. Somewhere deep down she thought he was capable of love, real love. But how could she know for sure? He could read minds but she had no such power.

Letting herself wander further into her thoughts, she wondered why her mind wouldn't indulge into her dulcet fantasies. Sometimes she tried to force an image in her mind of him smiling, caressing her cheek, and whispering words of love in her ear. The thought was never quite real enough. Ears empty of affection took despair to her heart and so did her nocturnal imagination. She didn't want the sappy facade that her previous lovers had shown her. To know that he needed and wanted her, not just her body. She just wanted love, was it so terrible to ask?

She was now at her breaking point. Driven to madness by the searing ache, she found herself sitting in front of her mirror staring at the shadow of what she used to be. All that was left was the piece of her that demanded action. Either she obeyed that piece or she would eventually dwindle into nothingness.

Small glimmers of hope sparked about her. She remembered something her mother told her when she was little, "When something breaks, there is always a chance to put the pieces back together into something even more beautiful then before."

She watched the indecision etched into the face of the woman in the mirror melt away. She had to tell him that she wanted more. She had to tell him how much she loved him, but could she hope that he wanted everything she thought they could have? What if all he wanted was to quench his lust? She stood up and checked if she was presentable, finally making up her mind to confront him and hope for more.

Turning, she realized that he was standing in the doorway. How long had he been there, watching her? She was too caught up in her own thoughts to register anything going on around her. He once said that it was dangerous to let yourself get caught up in thought. By the look he was giving her, she thought she was about to find out why.

She had never seen that look on his face before. It felt as if he could see into her. There was a hint of confusion to his look and something else that she couldn't identify. His face lightened as he walked towards her. She began to speak but before she could say anything he silenced her with a finger on her lips.

"I know what you want to say." His tone was even and showed no sign of disapproval. Was this it, the moment she had waited for?

"What?" she asked as he removed his fingers

"I told you it's dangerous to let yourself wander through your mind, anyone could go traipsing in after you." The vision she had tried to conjure slowly appeared before her eyes. A smile, a touch, gentle and kind, lacking any sappy quality. Complete bliss was attainable.

He bent over a bit to whisper in her ear. "I might be giving into a need for love, but I won't be giving up my lust."

He looked into her eyes then sealed their lips together in a passionate kiss. "I love you, Severus." She sighed against his lips.

She leaned up against him as he replied, "I love you too, Ginny."