Epiphany

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It's amazing how misunderstood I seem.

A lot of people just assume that what they see is what they get with me and many of them leave my presence with quite a lot of varying impressions of me. You were never like that, remember? And now you think you know me so well…

I’m almost afraid you do.

Don't get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’m so deep that people are too scared to look pass my reflection. In fact I know that I’m probably as deep as a drop of rain sliding along a glass surface, and not the least bit as complicated. It's just that I’m pretty good at hiding my emotions from the people around me. Not a lot of people get a glimpse pass the facade of my outer self.

Except you.

Yesterday, while I sat beside Ginny in the Common Room, she decided to tell me just what her impressions of me were. It came off pretty strange, and what she said somewhat came out as - "I'm pretty good when it comes to people's character Harry, but sometimes there's something about you that makes me feel as if you’re hiding a part of yourself from me..." Yeah right, there is nothing about me that she senses that I haven't told her or shown her about me. Every time I’ve seemed sad to her it’s because I wanted her to see me sad. Just as well as if I hated the entire world and didn't want her to know then she just as well wouldn't.

But you would.

I know you do. It’s so unnerving sometimes. I’ve seen you stare at me from across the Great Hall and watch as awareness flicker in your eyes. I know that you’re looking through me into my soul. I know you see whatever emotion it is that I’m hiding from the world. I know, even when I’ve submerged myself in the sea of my fellow Griffindors that no matter how genuine my laughter sounds, you know when I’m faking it. You know when I’m hurt.

I know because I feel it when you’re hurting too.

She thinks she loves me you know. She’s wanted me and her to be together for so long, and ever since I started going out with her it makes her so ecstatic. In the end, when I eventually break up with her, it will rip her apart. I know you don’t understand that. My reluctance to hurt anyone, that is. Even now, even now a part of you lives in darkness. Not a lot of people understand that darkness, except maybe your fellow Slytherins. And me…

It’s really weird that it still scares me when I realize that it was one of the things that drew me to you that first time.

Do you remember that first time ? There was so much blood…Do you remember the anger ? The scratches ? The biting ? The clawing ? The bleeding ? The moaning ? The wreathing in each other’s arms ? Do you remember the way the moonlight bathed our entwined naked bodies in silver threads of light ? Do you remember, Draco…The way our nails dug painfully in each other’s flesh as we came over and over as the other person watched? I remember because it was almost impossible to hide the marks away from Ron and Hermione the next day. I remember because it was so unlike me.

To remember it, Draco used to make my cheeks turn red.

Most of my friends think I’m the epitome of innocence and would be quite shocked if I did anything outside their expectations of me. Yet what do they know ? They can't ever see the anger reflecting in my eyes or hear the loneliness in my voice when I speak to them. They see only what I want them to see and that's so sad really, but why should I be the one to point out things like that to them. I guess that means that I like to test the boundaries of my relationship with others. Why? ...because I can. Besides it makes me gauge the other person's reactions to what I say and do pretty well. So I test them, and however they react makes me understand better the type of persons they are. Hermione and Ron find this behavior utterly irritating...I know.

It’s one of your favorite things about me because it proves that I could be just as ….dark.

And sometimes even I think I am. Like last month when you lost the Quiditch match to Griffindor and two nights later there were those whip marks that ‘appeared’ on your back. I swore I would kill your father for hurting you then, especially since I’d already felt guilty because I knew exactly why you’d lost. Or last week when I wanted to rip your tongue out with my bare hands in Potions and for a while I swore the world had been engulfed by my anger. Or last night when you made me go on my knees and beg for you and it didn’t even matter because my entire being was screaming to have you inside of me.

I think Hermione suspects something.

I know it won’t get any further than though. See she can’t even conceive the thought of us being civil to each other, much less to grasp the concept of our midnight trysts. To do that would mean that the truth would become obvious and Draco, to both our houses, we’d be …traitors. Ron, on the other hand, is so happy that I’m with his sister that he’s blind to the subtle hints that Hermione picked up on. And I suspect that my other housemates, along with Ginny, thinks the only reason why I sometimes look as if I hadn’t slept all night is because I haven’t quite broken my habit of studying all night long for my O.W.L.S. in fifth year.

Ron would kill me if he ever knew, and I’m not joking.

He hates you with an unholy passion and when I’m around him I hate you just as much. Isn’t that what you wanted though ? In the daytime, I am good and you are bad and it’s just so simple. In the Great Hall, during our classes, on the Quiditch pitch, I am Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, and you are Draco Malfoy, my arch nemesis. Yet by night the lines fade as we become one. There is no longer a set good or bad. I am yours to do whatever you please, you are mine to use however I choose. It’s that simple. In those moments I would deny you nothing as you would deny me nothing either. In those moments nothing is off-limits in our desire to drive the other to the brink of sexual insanity. So we always go back for more. Each is the other’s addiction.

I think I’m addicted to you Draco.

Is that why I can feel your presence even before you step into the room I’m in these days ? Is it why I seem distracted at mealtimes, because my eyes are glued to the door as I anticipate your entrance? Is it why I glare at you from across the room whenever the opportunity presents itself ? Am I addicted to you now, Draco ?

It’s funny how I look forward to fights with you now.

I don’t mean the verbal battle that we engage in most of the time, although those are quite exhilarating too. It’s the ones where I get to touch you that’s the most fun. Magic has nothing to do with it then. It’s at those times that I get to take out all my anger and frustration on you, even if it means that I’ll be the one kissing away the black and blue bruises when the night comes. I remember you laughed the first time I did that, because you thought you were the only one that was masochistic. I realized later that you were serious, afterall not a lot of people associate pleasure with a conjured up knife blade.

Last night you whispered that you loved me, and I spent the whole day wondering if you meant it.

We spent six years of our lives hating each other and now, suddenly, it’s as if this was what we’d wanted all along. What will happen next week when you go back to Malfoy Manor for Christmas holiday and I’m left here at Hogwarts ? Will you forget me then ? When you get back will you still love me ? I said I loved you and I meant it. I’m not sure just how much you believed that though. I guess, you’re going to have to trust me on that one. You need me, just as much as I need you.

It’s amazing that no matter how misunderstood I seemed to everyone else, Draco, it’s amazing that I seem to be perfectly understood by you.

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