Rainbows

She's our baby, our flesh and blood, and I want you to love her as I do.

I cried bloody tears as she tore out of me. She is my fiery little princess, but was spared my flaming red locks. Instead she was gifted with your hair, fine silvery blonde wisps that curtain her eyes. Those chunks of blue-green ice stared up at me the first time she was placed in my arms, her eyelashes long and thick, and inexplicably dark. I kissed those lashes countless times, snuggling my little angel to my chest as the healers came in and out of the room, trying to stop the blood leaving my body as I weakened from the hours of childbirth I endured to bring her on this earth.

"Ms. Weasley! We need you to let go of her -" I hear vague voices that seem to be screaming at me throgh all the chaos in my hospital room. I feel someone try to take her from me. I must have cried out. They took my angel, and all I could see was white. The blood was leaving me. The blood is leaving you, Ms. Weasley. That's what they said to me.

I smiled, and shut my eyes. She was beautiful, my baby was. She had your hair, and your eyes, but was tiny like me, and had my little nose and small feet. How I hated my small feet, but on my little princess, they were beautiful. Her pointed chin, high cheekbones, and the thin toes, you gave those to her. I still heard people around me. I could feel my head spinning again. My smile faded, and I screamed out for my baby.

"You need to calm down, Ms. Weasley!" The voices again. I bit my tongue so hard it bled. More blood. I could tell it was scaring them. They were screaming about seizures. I smiled again. I felt them push a piece of cotton between my tongue and my teeth. I spit out the blood. I could hear her crying, my infant daughter. I choked out a shriek again. She needed me. Why were they keeping her away from me? Why were they keeping her away from me?

Before Baby was born, along the river was our favorite place to play. Baby loved to play hide and seek. I could never find her. No matter how hard I searched. Oh, my little princess, you are much too good at hiding. And all of them, all my brothers, William, and Charles, and Percival and Ronald and the twins, they loved you too. But once you grew bigger, and my tummy swelled beyond my frame, they started hiding too. Oh silly boys, your little sister is all growed up now. And now my angel and I will play with our finger paints, and you will not bother us anymore.

My angel holds a part of you. I think of you now as the ladies in white hurry in and out of the birthing room, muttering about all the blood. I think of your hair, and your eyes, and you muscled frame and your big, smooth hands. I laugh. I thought you'd come, maybe. Come to see your princess come into the world. I whisper to myself that you love her, and I know that she will someday love you. Maybe she'll come home from school, with that wispy white blonde hair fluttering around her blue-green eyes, her little mind wrapped around the one person who was never there to love her. My heart will shatter when I know that my love is not enough anymore. And I will tell her of you. I will curse your name in my mind and in my heart I will love you while telling my baby why you are missing. No, angel, he is not coming home.

Maybe someday she will love puzzles, as I did. And in one of the secondhand puzzles I found at the thrift store, there will be a missing piece. The puzzle of the angel's heart, and mine. The princess will work on that puzzle until there is only one piece missing. And in that empty space that is left after the puzzle is completed, I will draw your face on the carpet. And when her innocent eyes look up at me questioningly, I will smile, and plant a kiss on her head, before retreating back to the stove. There ends the tale of you. She picks up all the pieces, puts them back in the box, and puts it away. Then later, after she is tucked into her trundle bed under her faded Barbie sheets, I will sit down on the carpet, just looking at your face I put there. And I will smile again. Look, look at what I've done without you. She's my princess, and she doesn't need you. Neither do I. I'm good at lying to myself. I've been doing it for years, ever since I met you.

The healers are quieting now. I don't hear her cry anymore. Angel, maybe you will sleep now as I will.

I feel someone at my arm. "She's fading," they say quietly. I laugh to myself. I'm still here. The blood leaks through the cotton on my tongue. My heart is beating slowly. Inhale. Exhale. The pain in my head would make me wince if I wasn't so numb.

"She's fading." Beep, beep, beep. The heart monitor. I listen to the rhythm of my own pulse. The dull monotonous melody is my favorite song. I name it after my angel, and I listen to it for what seems like an eternity.

"She's fading." I'm fading. My laughter becomes softer, until finally, I need silence. I want the song to stop. I whisper to my princess. Princess, it's time to go to sleep. Okay, but only five more minutes. We need to rest, my little one

I could feel the song slowing down. I think of you again. You are looking at me, just watching me. I am not laughing anymore. And the tears that run down my face are blood. One falls on my punctured tongue. I cough, and feel more blood. When will it stop? Will it ever stop?

"She's fading."

I'm fading.

Where are you? I thought you'd come. I remember standing in front of the sink, seeing the tip of the little white stick turn pink. Positive. I would never be alone again. That made me happy. I could feel my angel already.

I couldn't tell you about the angel. I swore that I never would. Instead, I crossed my arms around my tummy and went to go lie beside the river.

"She's fading."

I'm going to go visit the river again.

"Maybe she can hold on a little longer..."

The song stops.

Goodnight princess. Mommy will see you in the morning.

"Look at the blood coming from her mouth."

I'm smiling again. Every time my muscle shifts, I feel pain tear through my entire being.

"She's gone. It's all over."

It's all over.

The voices stop for a long time.

The white turns to black, and suddenly, it's hard to see.

The princess isn't crying for me. I don't think she needs me anymore.

"What'll happen to the little one?"

"She'll go to her grandmother. There doesn't seem to be a father."

He's dead to me, as I am to him.

"It's such a shame. She was so young. And a new mother. The family will not take it well."

The princess doesn't need me anymore.

But I need her.

"It's worse when their eyes are open after the life has left them. It means they won't find peace."

It never ends.

Never ends.

"What's the baby's name?"

Oh, my angel, what will I do without you?

"She repeated it several times during labor. We'll inform the family."

The voices leave. I sigh to myself, and snuggle into my blanket of darkness.

I love you, my princess. isn't that brilliant? Your five minutes are up. time to sleep.

The song has disappeared, and I forget the melody.

No, Mommy. I'm not finished my happily ever after yet. Will you help me, Mommy?

I smile, and feel pain rip through my body.

And the princess and her prince live ha-

Funny, I don't remember my own happy ending.

The air becomes stifling, and it occurs to me that I'm already gone.

The simple black turns to darkness, and I am alone.

My angel will fly up into the stars and she'll dance around the sky.

It's written on the stars. And the moment after my life ended, I discovered the meaning of living.

I laugh again.

Then I'm silent.

You're a whisper on my past, while she is the centre of my universe.

You used to tell me you lived only for me. My life's meaning was her.

The moment the tip of the white stick turned pink, I didn't matter anymore. And neither did you.

Just the princess.

And I have one last thing to say to you, in hopes that maybe one day you'll come across the little angel who has your wispy blonde hair and blue-green icy eyes. And you will feel a jolt in your heart that will tell you she's a part of you.

She's our baby, our flesh and blood, and I need you to love her like I never got the chance to.