My Smile: My Mask

My Smile: My Mask

Why? This empty hollow. It fills me. How can something that is hollow fill a shell? That is all I am. A shell of the existance that I was before. Why did it happen to me? What did I ever do that was so wrong? Was I too lazy? Too unloving to my friends? I see this as a punishment because it was unexpected and should never have happened. I took it for granted and now I will never see him again. Who is punishing me, I do not know. I can't get over it. Perhaps I'm incapable of healing.

Tears are rushing to my eyes, just as I think of it. I stare upwards to avoid the pain swelling around my heart. But they escape, rolling over my cheeks like soft waves rolling across the beaches that I have never seen. Without looking into a mirror I could tell you the exact expression on my face: slightly crumpled, my mouth a tight line, my eyes squinting to prevent the tears spilling. I know it off by heart because I hold this look so much. It is what hides under my mask. My mask that is my smile. My friends tiptoe around me. "Are you alright?" they ask me. Perhaps they also think I'm incapable of healing.

Looking back on the past, I cannot seem to single out a memory that would be worth remembering. But, they are all worth remembering because they are all I have left. A photograph or two, something resounding in my head.

Why did I have to be so stupid? Why did I have to take that risk? Everytime I remember what happened, I think of some other doubt I had before it happened. At one point, I even thought: I'll just stay. But something overcame me. Something drew me away and it resulted in losing you. How could I have been that stupid? I hate myself for making that mistake, the one that I will regret forever more.

My body aches from trying to stay awake. I cannot allow myself to sleep. Which would you prefer: days awake where you can block out the bad memories and single the happy ones? Or would you rather sleep at night where your brain seems under control of a vicious outside source that hacks away at the good things and is leaving you in agony with the bad?

You see me smiling and think it's real. You see me laughing and do not hear the forcing behind it. Sometimes, for maybe a moment or two, I will forget and forgive myself. I will laugh without trying, smile without reminding myself to. Then, after that, I will hate my useless self for forgetting the only thing I can honestly say is my fault: the events of that day. You see, when you think I'm smiling, it is the mask that I've strapped to my face to prevent unwanted attention. I won't ever let anyone remove the mask but myself, I cannot risk getting too close to another for fear of losing them. I now know what it is like and ... I never want to go through that again.