Drifting

It's so cold now, even when the soft shine of daylight falls across my pale body. Alabaster skin, my mother would say with a bittersweet smile. It's so cold now...that's all I can think about. The heat of two living bodies does not warm my own anymore.

It's all in the past; plastic sunglasses and summers in the sun lying hazily in the dust of my mind...our pacts and signs and rituals long gone.

No one ever remembers; except the ones left behind. And, oh! I am that one, however much I chose my decision. For they were the ones swept up in the Slytherin mysticism of sex and blood and hatred.

They laughed and languished and deluded themselves with the thought that they knew all of it was just a game.

And I, I saw through it all, saw and sat alone and dull in the darkened common room; with only the flickering embers my friend.

They'd come back pink and glowing; Bellatrix weaving an enchantment with her quicksilver laugh and dancing black eyes, her smooth hair flying as she flirtatiously flit from cutting remark to gibe with a saving wit.

I'd sit and watch; blessed with the gift of figurative invisibility. I'd watch and stay silent as Narcissa and Lucius kissed and caressed. I'd watch as Narcissa was treated as an object; a particularly fine piece in a museum. How he belittled her, the strongest of all of us! And how she enjoyed his attentions, how she preened before him and fell into him and became a *nothing* for him.

Oh! And he loved it and she loved him for loving it and they continued in their charade of lowered eyelashes and flitting, secretive glances.

And I'd sit and I'd watch. And I bid my time, savoring each moment until I knew the unpardonable split needed to happen.

And they watched me as I said it...hoping that they'd look past their prejudices. Narcissa simply kissed my cheek and then looked away and back again, a cold mask in place as she trailed a cool finger down my defiant face.

"Whatever you do...spread your wings..." she whispered. "You're no longer the little sparrow are you...? How did I miss you growing up?" She wondered and lowered pained eyes and I knew that that would be the last time I would hear her speak.

Bellatrix, who does nothing by halves, confronted me with flashing eyes and spit "Bloodtraitor" before stalking off.

And once again I was the one left behind as they continued into the swirling maelstrom of their tumultuous lives.

Oh how I remember that day...the last day I had sisters...for they turned to monsters after I left.

I often think back to it and wonder...what would I do if I was confronted with the same decision?

I say I don't know but I do...that for every sin and for every crime committed I would do anything to get them back; that no life and good choice is substitute for the loss of two-thirds of you.

Oh, I'm a moral lost cause. I spent all of my morals when I was young. But what if, what if....could I change time? Could I cast a magical spell to reel me back to when summers meant molten gold skies and crashing grey waves and the two little bodies next to me were ready to conquer the world?

Oh if only...if only...for I am a stranger in a strange world and my bags are packed. I'm drifting, drifting to the place where I'm at peace and enveloped with open arms to wait for the two beings dearest in the world to me.