Silent Sigh

Silent Sigh

Part Two

Oliver,

Don't worry about what I said to you the other evening. I am afraid that if you think too much about the fact that I fancy you then you will feel awkward around me and I would hate that. I know that you only see me as a friend, I understand that and will never mention this again. I value your friendship too highly to want to risk losing it.

I am telling you this because if I don't, my friends will tell you and I would rather you heard it from me. I couldn't tell you to your face because I was too afraid of embarrassing both you and myself.

Please don't show this letter to anyone or leave it where it might be read by someone else.

Alicia

She put the quill down, folded the parchment and stuck it shut with spellotape. Now all she had to do was drum up the courage to give it to him. She sighed. Do I really want to do this? If I don't - then I can never be sure if he understood what I was trying to tell him.

She stuffed the folded parchment in the pocket of her robes and went downstairs for breakfast.

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It was an inordinately long day. Every time Alicia saw Oliver he was either looking the other way or deep in conversation. Am I being paranoid or is he ignoring me?

There was a Quidditch practice in the early evening and Alicia hoped that she might get a chance to speak to him then. After an hour of passing the Quaffle to Katie and Angelina, Alicia was beginning to doubt she would get that chance. She knew she had been playing badly - her mind had been wandering to other things. She knew she hadn't been watching him because she had been very carefully avoiding doing so.

She almost missed a straightforward pass from Katie. Angelina glared at her, knowing that it was lack of concentration not lack of ability that caused the mistake. Oliver saw but did not comment. Alicia was both relieved and disappointed. Even criticism was better than disregard.

Eventually, as the sun began to hide behind the peach-tinted horizon, Oliver blew the whistle to call them all down to the ground. Together they trudged back up to the changing rooms. Maybe I could ask George to stick this in Oliver's bag? But even as she thought about it she dismissed the idea. I have to give it to him. Only then can I be sure that he found it.

She almost had a chance as they walked back up to the castle for supper. At the foot of the stairs Oliver turned to call "see you later" to the three girls as the boys headed up to their dormitories. Alicia caught his eye for a second, almost thought he smiled, and then he was gone before she could hand him the note. Not that I could have done so in front of the team anyway she consoled herself.

But even so, as she lay curled in her warm bed that night she felt disappointed.

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Alicia woke with the autumn sun, far too early. She lay still, enjoying the fact that she could stay warm in bed for a while before facing the day. Somewhere else in Gryffindor Tower someone else was up: she could hear running water and hushed voices, then a few pairs of feet going down the stairs.

Perhaps it was this that motivated her, as Alicia lost interest in lazing in bed. Quietly, so as not to wake the others, she got dressed and pulled a brush through her ragged, blonde hair, taming it somewhat. Katie opened her eyes blearily as Alicia passed her bed. Strange to be up before Katie! Alicia thought.

The fire in the common room was lit and there were a few deep voices rumbling in conversation as she descended. Adam Standish, Cara Ellis and Lee Jordan were sitting on the sofa, mugs in hands, talking. It was too early to go down to breakfast, Alicia assumed. From where she was standing on the bend of the stairs from the girls' dormitories, she was too far away to hear what they were saying. Behind them, sitting against the far wall were Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown, their heads bent over some slim volume.

Just as Alicia descended the last few steps into the common room she heard someone come up behind her. She saw Oliver out of the corner of her eye. Do it now or you will regret it! You might not get another chance for ages...

She took a deep breath.

"Oliver?"

" Morning," he gave her a beaming smile. I guess I was just paranoid yesterday then. Oh shit, if we are friends again do I want to risk this?

"Here," she handed him the parchment that was in her pocket from the previous day before she had a chance to change her mind. "Please don't show anyone else."

Then she turned and went to sit with the younger girls as Oliver crossed to the fireplace. From where she was sitting she was now unable to see him where he stood. But as the other alternative was sitting like a fool on her own, this was infinitely preferable. Anyway Katie will be up soon she told herself.

She tried to participate in the Divination discussion that the girls were having, but as she was far better at Transfiguration than Divination she soon fell silent and let them continue.

Oliver crossed the room and went out the portrait. Alicia didn't have time to see his face, or whether he was still holding the parchment, but he definitely didn't look at her on the way out.

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Alicia had lunch late so that she could avoid seeing Oliver. He had passed her twice in the corridor without acknowledging that he had even seen her. Her insides were cold with dread, but at the same time she was relaxed. Now that it was done she was relieved to have told him. She hoped it wouldn't change anything - but even if it did she felt better that he knew.

"I'm sure he just has to think about it," Katie told her, having offered to join Alicia for her late lunch once she knew the reason. "He wasn't expecting it."

Alicia grinned at her. "I know. To be honest I can't worry about it at the moment, it's a relief to get it off my mind." She raised an eyebrow at her friend. "You should tell Lee..."

Katie shook her head. "Three years ago, when I had a crush on Lee before he found out - you remember - he avoided me for months. I had never realised what a shy person he could be!"

Alicia sighed. "Ok, if that's how you feel. I still think you have a far better chance with Lee than I do with Oliver."

Katie smiled wistfully at her friend as they rose to leave the hall. They passed Seamus Finnegan and Dean Thomas as they were walking up the staircase.

"Hey Alicia!" Dean called. "Something weird happened."

The girls looked at each other and then at Dean.

"Seamus and I were eating lunch early when some of the seventh years came in. Oliver and Paris and Cara and a few of the others who's names I don't know. I was in a stupid mood and I shouted across at them that I was gay and that I thought they were all really sexy. I think I scared a few of the boys. Then afterwards I shouted to Oliver that I had a friend who fancies him - Lavender - and he looked at me seriously and said 'Yeah, I know. Alicia.' I said 'Noo... I meant Lavender.' Why did he think that?"

Alicia looked at the younger boy, and carried on up the stairs allowing Katie to fend off the questions. When her friend caught up with her again Alicia said, "At least I know he read the letter." She wanted to run back down to Dean and ask him what Oliver's reaction had been - had he been pleased? Flattered? Annoyed? But instead she carried on towards her Arithmancy lesson. I'm sure I will find out soon..... she thought.

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It was a long day. Her lessons seemed to drag on towards evening without any time actually going past. She was silent at supper, refusing to look down the table to where Oliver sat with Lee and George and the seventh year girls. More than ever she was aware of the flirtatious glances the other girls gave in Oliver's direction. Fourth and fifth year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs as well as the Gryffindors.

Her feigned disinterest did not fool Angelina however. The black girl leaned over to whisper to Alicia, not that this was necessary given the noise in the hall. "He knows."

"Yeah. I told him."

"And he told me. He walked up to me in the owlery and said 'Alicia fancies me.' He didn't even start with 'Hello, Angelina,' or anything. So you are clearly on his mind. I asked him if he fancies you and he said he doesn't know."

"Well that's better than 'no'!!" exclaimed Katie.

Alicia smiled, "I'm not going to get my hopes up. He fancies Paris. I know that. She flirts with him too. I'm sure they will be a couple soon."

Angelina shrugged. "Maybe."

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Alicia's certainty that she had lost Oliver cemented over the next few days. Whenever he saw her it was as if she did not exist. She had read somewhere that hate is not the opposite of love; both are strong emotions tied together: the opposite of both is indifference. Suddenly she understood what the writer had meant.

Quidditch practice became a painful nightmare. Everyone was short tempered because the weather had finally broken and the torrential rains and gale winds made it both difficult and unpleasant to play. Oliver was not rude to her, but nor was he his normal self. He bellowed directions to her and praised or criticised her shortly. He never smiled at her, even when he was complementing her skill.

Even the other players noticed the distancing between their team-mates. "What's wrong, Oliver?" Harry asked after one practice. "You have been ignoring Alicia for days."

"Nothing is wrong," came the reply as Oliver vanished into the shower room.

Harry looked across at Alicia with a shrug, confusion on his young face. Alicia had to turn away so that he could not read the emotions written across her face like a book.

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Days became weeks. Alicia's friends were glad to see that after the first few days her depression lifted and she was back to her usual chattering self. No comment was made. Now most of Gryffindor knew where her affections lay, but she was able to face it and laugh or shrug it off when the topic came up in conversation. It still grated a bit that most of her friends avoided talking about it, but it saved her thoughts dwelling on a certain handsome keeper while they were around.

Katie was the most understanding. "Sometimes I feel I can't talk to Angelina any more," she confided to Alicia one rainy afternoon when they sat curled up on the window seat in their dormitory. "Her relationship with Fred is so much further along that she worries about different things. I feel as though I sound like a child being so concerned over a crush. She doesn't understand the 'is he interested in me' feeling any more. She knows Fred loves her. It's so much more adult."

Although she hated to admit it, Alicia knew exactly what her friend meant. She too felt like a silly little girl when she tried to discus Oliver with Angelina. Not that Angelina was unconcerned, she cared a lot about what her friends were going through - she was just in a different situation. She would have been terribly hurt had she thought that her friends were almost ashamed to come to her with their worries. And although they knew she would listen, that is to some degree what happened.

The friendship bond between Alicia and Katie was strengthened by their mutual circumstances, they could laugh at how ridiculous they both were without feeling hurt at the other's mirth.

It was to Katie that Alicia went whenever she heard something about Oliver, or any comment or speculation about his lack of girlfriend. It was to Alicia that Katie went to relate her conversations, or lack of, with Lee - ready for analysis.

"Do you think we over-analyse what they do?" wondered Alicia one morning after relating how Oliver had held the great hall door for her as they left after breakfast. "I don't believe that they think about what they do or say. It isn't as meaning-loaded as we make it. In fact they probably don't even remember it half an hour later."

Katie smiled her agreement. "But if we didn't analyse the boys then what would we do with our brains? We might have to start learning potions ingredients or something!"

Alicia stuck her tongue out at her friend, glad to have the serious mood lightened.

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On Tuesday, the weather continued to worsen. Alicia sat across the table in the common room from Adam Standish and Fred Weasley and worked on her Arithmancy homework. Or tried to work. Her mind was unable to concentrate, given that it was painfully aware that a certain Quidditch player was sitting on the window seat, peering out through the rain at his beloved pitch. With one hand he was casually throwing and catching a Quaffle.

Lack of the sport was driving him to madness and yet the rains gave no sign of easing yet and after two Hufflepuff third years had been sent to the infirmary with severe chills, Madam Hooch had forbade any Quidditch while it was raining.

Casually, but with extreme precision, Oliver flung the red leather ball across the room where it bounced off the back of Adam's head.

"Accio Ball." It flew back to its owner's hands as Adam turned around to hurl a stream of abuse at his friend.

This amused both Oliver and Fred no end and soon the pair were engaged in a hearty game of 'indoor Quidditch', hurling themselves around the room to irritation of Alicia. Now there is no way I can study!! She thought. But going up to work at the desk in the dormitory was a very unappealing idea while Oliver was here in the common room making such an exhibition of his skills.

As this thought settled it was closely followed by another. Who is he showing off for? Me? Surely not!? Even though she watched him out of the corner of her eye while pretending to be absorbed in her parchment, not once did Alicia catch Oliver so much as glancing in her direction. Maybe he is just playing because he is bored. But then why is he making such a show of his ability handling the Quaffle?

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On Thursday morning Alicia had flying lessons with Madam Hooch. This was one of her favourite parts of the week because she was allowed to leave the group and practise her own Quidditch manoeuvres.

This particular Thursday the clouds were low and rain was threatening again so Alicia was making the best of the last few minutes of dry air and soaring as high as she could beneath the oppressive sky and working on her hairpin turns. She paused for breath and looked back across the grounds at the rest of her class. They were being taught how to stand on their brooms and consequently were hovering not far from the ground. Beyond the main body of students Alicia could see two other figures, one of whom was on the ground.

Madam Hooch did not appear to be paying any attention to these students so Alicia swept closer, revelling in the feeling of the chilly air on her face. As she drew lower she realised why the teacher had been ignoring this pair: they were not part of the class.

Oliver was hovering on his broom, his hands gesturing freely at Paris. Alicia was too far away to hear what he was saying, but could tell from the girl's stance that it was not well received. Her arms were crossed under her breasts and her head was lowered. She kept shifting her weight and tilting her head, shaking it slightly.

Finally Oliver turned and sped away across the lake, a dark scowl on his beautiful features, his feet barely skimming the surface. Paris stood watching him go.

Alicia was torn in three ways. It is none of my business: fly away the sensible part of her said. Go after him her heart said. Find out what happened her head said. Alicia was a practical person and eventually her head held sway over her heart, and she looped down to land in front of Paris.

The pretty girl lifted her eyes and smiled at Alicia. "I just turned down Oliver. He wanted to go to the Yule Ball with me."

Thud thud thud... throbbed Alicia's heart. Poor sweet Oliver. The selfish part of her was pleased, but the majority of her ached for both her friends. Paris looked torn - Alicia knew the guilty, upset feeling of turning down someone you do care about... just not in that way.

"I'm sorry..." she stammered.

Paris's smile was more genuine this time. "I'll be okay. I just hope he will be. He's furious with me and I think our friendship is in shreds." She looked so upset that Alicia felt her heart crying out in pain at the injustice - this girl didn't understand what she had!

Alicia mumbled something about being sure that it would be fine in time and escaped into the castle.

Paris stood behind her for a while, gazing out unhappily in the direction of the lake, before turning to follow the younger girl.

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From her window in Gryffindor castle Alicia could see a dark figure on a broomstick looping around the grounds alone. Slowly the sky grew darker and the heavy clouds released their freezing October rain. The tiny flying figure got harder and harder to see, but even long after it became to dark to see him, long after the drenched youth must have returned to the castle, Alicia remained in her window, gazing out at the storm.

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A few days went by without Alicia seeing Oliver. She never passed him in the hall and he was never in the common room. She saw him across the hall at the Hallowe'en feast, but he sat at the far end of the table with Adam Standish and Lorna Smith rather than with her friends. Paris was sitting with Cara Ellis somewhere in the middle of the table and Alicia was aware that she and Oliver were studiously ignoring one another.

Paris's hair was perfect as usual and she was wearing an intricate silver chain around her neck and just enough make-up to draw attention to her high cheekbones and delicate, blue eyes. She looked completely gorgeous and Alicia knew that it must be killing Oliver to see the petite girl laughing happily with her friend as if nothing had happened.

He was staring broodily into his food whenever nobody was looking, but making an effort to be his normal cheery self the rest of the time. From the lack of comment from those around him Alicia assumed that she was the only one who noticed this inconsistency.

Later, as they all headed back up to the common room it appeared that Oliver had decided to remedy his rejection by surrounding himself with as many pretty girls as possible. He had one arm around Lavender's shoulders and the other around a pretty blonde Ravenclaw whose name Alicia didn't know. Both were gazing up at him with happy acceptance in their slightly-dazed eyes. A swarm of fourth year girls also surrounded the trio, quivering with hope and jealousy.

Alicia slammed the portrait behind her, ignoring the reprimand from its occupant, and went straight upstairs to the dormitory.

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She lay awake in bed that night thinking about Oliver, something she hadn't done for almost a week. Why does he treat me differently? She wondered. Why am I being ignored when all the other girls are getting the 'Oliver charm' treatment.

Maybe I'm just imagining it.

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She put this question to Katie the following morning. "Maybe because you matter more to him than they do. Maybe he is trying to sort out how he feels about you?"

This cut no ice with Alicia. "No. That's not it. We used to be friends, that's all he feels for me. And now it looks like I've blown that too."

Katie began to refute this statement but Alicia could see that her friend was actually thinking about something else.

"What's up with you then?" she teased, putting aside her thoughts for another time.

"Lee is confusing me."

"Oh, I should have guessed! Men! Well, go on, tell me - although at the moment I'm not exactly in the position to give advice."

"When he and I are alone he is so sweet, Alicia. He is nice to me and attentive and just generally friendly. But when he is with the others, the twins, Oliver, Adam... he turns into a different person. He is cold and sarcastic - he says horrible things, makes fun of me..."

"Honey, you are taking this too seriously," Alicia pulled her friend towards her in a hug. "He's male, they have this insecurity thing - 'cool' with the mates. Come on - you taught me that! He obviously cares about you. Maybe he does just regard you as a friend not a potential girlfriend, but right now I'm jealous even of that much."

Katie pulled back and looked at Alicia. "Jealous? Oh please. At least you have a chance of a date for the Yule Ball. Lee will never ask me."

"Whereas the two guys who fancy me are strange Garry and extremely-creepy Alec. What a choice! We will both be going alone."

They sat in silence.

"I didn't mean that," Alicia reviewed her earlier words. "I shouldn't have said that about Garry and Alec. But right now it hurts that I can't even attract a normal bloke."

"At least someone fancies you...."

After a few minutes Alicia began to laugh. "God! Aren't we a depressing pair! Let's talk about something else."

"I can't think of anything else."

The silence engulfed them again. Katie moaned and put her head in her hands. "When I'm with him I'm so happy. It doesn't matter that he isn't interested in me. His smile just cheers me up. It's when he isn't around and I think about him that I get disheartened. Depressed. He doesn't want me and I want him so much."

"I know the feeling," Alicia sighed. "But..." she paused.

Katie was waiting.

"But sometimes I wonder if I don't fancy him so much any more. Maybe telling him was the cure." She gave a hollow laugh. "I used to feel a physical pain when I thought about him and knew I couldn't have him. I felt like I was going to throw up. Now it's just a dull ache. And I don't think about him so much when he isn't in the room. It's when he is there and doesn't acknowledge me that I am most hurt."

"Don't let him hurt you. He isn't worth that. I know it's hypocritical coming from me but I am trying to take the advice I give."

Alicia smiled at her friend.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Depression was sinking down over Alicia like a soft, blue cloud, enveloping her thoughts and saturating her feelings.

"When I said he wasn't worth it, I really meant it," Katie said quietly. "I don't like him very much. I mean I know he's handsome and popular and a fantastic Quidditch player and everything, but he isn't very nice to people. He seems to be an arrogant flirt."

"No. He isn't like that," Alicia replied, still staring out the window. "He is a nice person when you talk to him on his own. He's just a bit of a show - off when he has an audience."

"Maybe." Katie didn't sound convinced. Alicia couldn't think of any defence for Oliver, only that she knew that her friend was wrong. As soon as a word was said against him, her former uncertainties faded into oblivion and she knew without a doubt that she did care about Oliver. Thinking about him put a small smile on her face, but the smile hurt.

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She was sitting in the library on Monday morning with Angelina and Cara, researching the historic uses of Occamy feathers, when Oliver approached them. He asked Cara where Paris was and why she had missed lunch.

"She had a headache.. She went to the infirmary."

"Oh right. Is she ok?"

His eyes met Alicia's for the first time in weeks. Irritation welled up in her and she replied belligerently, "Why don't you go see? The infirmary isn't exactly a long walk away."

She regretted her callous tone almost as soon as it was out of her mouth, but Oliver looked surprised rather than insulted.

"Why? I don't fancy her any more you know. I'm free to be interested in anyone I want."

And with that he left the library. Angelina raised her eyebrows at Alicia.

Alicia shut a dusty tome in exasperation. That boy could seriously mess up her head. What did he mean? Was that a hint? I wish!!

It had hardly been a week since his rejection. How could he be ready to move on so quickly? She remembered his intent blanking of Paris since that Thursday on the Quidditch pitch. Is he just lying to us or to himself as well? Well even if he seems interested I will stay away, she convinced herself. I won't be a re-bound. He can go to Lavender or one of his other girls for that.

She rested her head on the book. Oh that boy! I wish I knew what I think of him!