Nightmare

Nightmare 4 Jan 06

I'm lost. Traveling in a world of chaos and darkness. There's a light out there. I can see it, but it's so distant. I can't get close to it; no matter how hard I try. I'm lost, Moony, find me.

I opened my eyes suddenly to find myself tangled in my sheets and surrounded by scarlet curtains. I swallowed the lump in my throat and let out a sigh of relief. My biggest fear had always that I would be left entirely alone with absolutely no way to get anywhere. That dream always reminded me of that fear.

I sat up and held my head in my hands and waited for the shivers to pass and the dream to slip away once more.

"Sirius?"

I jumped, not expecting anyone to be awake so early.

"Yeah?" I asked quietly. My voice shook slightly, betraying the fear that I had felt. The curtains separated and Moony sat down at the foot of my bed.

"What are you doing up so early?" I asked, fully aware that I was not wearing a shirt. Suddenly I was shaking for an entirely different reason.

"You," he said simply. "Were you having a nightmare or something?"

I nodded, knowing it would be senseless to lie to him. He was a werewolf after all. He already knew. "Same one I've always had," I sighed. Not wanting to tell him about it, I got out of bed and gathered my shower supplies.

"Sirius," he said warningly. Even when it's no where near the full moon, the wolf is still strong in him. Ordering--or at least trying to order--me around is one of his most common. The wolf in him wants to be dominating and will bow only to James.

I ignored him, however, and locked myself up in the bathroom. I let the steaming hot water run over me and was away the rest of the dream.

Most days, it felt real, like it was going to happen to me one day and I really would end up surrounded by blackness, trying to find a light I couldn't reach. No matter how much I pray that those feelings are wrong, I can't help but believe it will happen to me, though I don't know what could possibly happen to make it so.

I sighed and rest my head against the walls of the shower. The cold tile felt good against my forehead and the steam that billowed up around me was soothing. I closed my eyes and sighed, letting it all go.

When I walked out of the bathroom, James and Peter were still asleep and Remus was leaning against his bed post with his arms folded across his chest and that predatory look in his eyes that James frequently said reminded him constantly that he was a stag and Remus was the wolf.

I was always amazed at how still he became when he was like that. You couldn't even see him breathe. His eyes were always narrowed on his 'prey' and it could make anyone cower. Anyone, that is, except for me. That look had never worked--until today.

"What?" I asked, trying to sound innocent (quite a feat, I know.)

Of course that would never work on Remus. Not with the wolf always so near.

"You've had that nightmare for years, Sirius," he said in a low voice. "Not once has it ever scared you this badly."

"What do you mean?" I asked, this time pretending to be nothing. I looked away from him to the floor and put my things away. I couldn't meet his eyes this time.

"You screamed." It was all he said.

I froze, my hand holding my trunk half-way open. That didn't make any sense. How could I have screamed? I don't scream. Furthermore, how would James and Peter sleep through that?

"You sounded like you were being tortured, Sirius," he said, his arms falling to his sides as he walked over to me. "When you suddenly went quiet, I wasn't even sure if you were still alive," he confessed, sitting down on the edge of my bed.

"Why didn't you wake me up then?" I asked, finally willing my hand to finish shutting my trunk.

"I couldn't."

Again I was confused. I was usually an extremely light sleeper (it comes from living with a family you don't trust) and Remus had always been able to wake me in the past. For him to be unable...what did I dream?

Was it even a dream?

"What do you mean?" I asked, looking at the floor again. "You've never had any trouble in the past."

"I don't know," he confessed with a sigh, standing and returning to his post. "It wasn't like it normally is," he said softly. "It was...terrifying, to tell you honestly. You're eyes were open, Sirius, and you were as pale as a ghost...and screaming...." He closed his eyes and shivered. "Finally I had to leave because you were freaking me out that badly." He shook his head as if to shake away the memories.

"When I walked back into the dorm, you weren't just quiet, you were completely still..." "I'm sorry," I said. It sounded lame, mostly because 'sorry' didn't seem good enough, but it was the best I could do.

Remus ran a hand through his hair and I was hypnotized, despite the situation. I had to firmly tell myself that this was not the time to stare hopelessly at Remus, it was the time to get myself out of there as quickly as possible. Luckily, breakfast would have already started by now and I could go there.

I swallowed hard and closed my eyes before I sat down on my trunk. I didn't know what to do and the thought that I had scared him enough that he had to actually leave the dormitory was frightening all in its own. Remus didn't scare lightly; he had seen and lived through too much for that. The thought that I had scared him so badly...it was tearing me apart.

"I didn't mean to--"

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

I turned and looked up at him. He had his eyes closed and his hands were hanging limply at his sides. It was in that moment that I remembered that werewolves aged more quickly than the rest of us, even though they lived roughly twenty years longer if they were lucky. The soft morning sunlight hit some of the silver strands already showing in his golden brown hair. I wanted nothing more in that instant than to walk over to him and touch it.

I opened my mouth in an attempt to say something to get my mind off of my feelings for him when James' curtains opened and he sat up.

"What are you up so early for?" he asked.

"What are you talking about?" I asked. "You're the one who's up late."

****

Weeks passed before I had another nightmare. Remus was at my side, trying to wake me up. When I did finally open my eyes, I had blindly clutched to him in the darkness. I had cried on his shoulder for the first time ever, unable to keep things inside any longer. I was only distantly aware that he had held me tightly, his embrace feeling so perfect and safe.

That, like so many more incidents like them, would go unnoticed and unmentioned as we tried to pretend they never happened, despite them haunting the both of us constantly.

Then he was the one who was having a nightmare. James and Pete were home for the holiday and Remus and I had stayed behind, like we normally did. I was studying, having nothing else to do and being unable to fall asleep. He kept tossing and turning and I didn't think anything of it until he started to cry out.

I rushed over to his bed, pulling open the curtains. "Remus!" I shouted, shaking him. "Remus!"

His amber eyes opened and he looked wildly around before he found me. In an instant, he had flung his arms around me and had started to cry. I could do nothing but hold his sobbing form close to me until he calmed down.

"I killed you," he whispered roughly. "In my dream, I killed you..."

I closed my eyes tightly, feeling my own tears form. "I'm here," I whispered. "I'm not dead. I'll always be here." I couldn't help but feel as though my words had more than one meaning.

Remus relaxed in my arms for only a moment before we both pulled away from each other slightly. My eyes met his for less than a second before I pulled him close again and we kissed for the very first time.

****

Moony, my love, my one and only... my nightmare has come true. Only you can find me. Only you can help me. I'm lost. That light, so far away...that light I can't get to...it's you. It's always been you, I know that now. I know what my nightmare meant.

Find me, Moony. Wake me up and save me from this nightmare.