While You Slept

While You Slept

The meeting was full of the usual stuff. Hermione trying to get a dance scheduled in somewhere and being voted down by Harry and I. Going over the schedules of the Prefects and deciding if they were doing their job or not. Then, going over plans for the seventh year trip. So far, we are undecided on where to go. One says France, one says America, and the other says Japan. I really don't care where we go, I gave my suggestion (France) and I don't really care whether or not we go. I've been countless times, what's one more? It's ultimately up to Dumbledore, but he's not choosing. He says we should decide for ourselves. Hermione and I agree that we should ask the student body, but Harry says we should know them well enough by now to make a decision on our own.

With nothing really resolved, we descended down the spiral staircase, Harry and Granger just ahead of me.

I noticed Harry slowed down when we were all on level ground again. Hermione went out the front doors and I turned to go back to the common room. Blaise would fill me in on the details concerning the match, so I felt no reason to attend the last bit of it. Harry, it seems, felt the same, and followed me.

"Draco, wait," he said catching up to me after I'd passed him climbing the stairs.

"What?" I asked and kept walking. Please not now.

"Are you ever going to tell me?" he asked.

"I told you no."

"Why?"

"Because, Potter, I'm engaged."

"You're what?" he asked stopping. I turned and looked at his stricken face. Maybe Blaise was right after all. Maybe he did feel the same.

"It's not by choice," I clarified. "If I had a choice, I wouldn't be doing this, but I just found out about it this morning. Please, don't harass me right now, I have a lot on my mind, and I don't feel like snapping again."

"Can't you just say no?"

"As much as I would like to, no," I answered not really wanting to go through this conversation again.

"Why not?"

"Because, Potter, I'm the last. There are none after me who can carry on the name. The name is what counts in this world, Potter, not the feelings. I don't have a choice. They know about me, and it scares them. They really don't want me to end up like my father."

"Who is she?" Harry asked, sounding horribly sad.

"I don't know. I've never met her, and they haven't told me her name yet."

"Do you really have to do it?" Harry asked hopeful the answer was no.

"Yes," I answered sadly. "I really hate being a Malfoy sometimes," I confessed. I hadn't told that to anyone, not even Blaise.

I walked away from him, not wanting to see the disappointment and hurt continue to mask his face. Merlin, Harry, don't make this harder than it already is....

I began a letter to my parents the second I was in my room. I couldn't do it, I told them. I couldn't marry her. I knew the effort was futile, but I had to try anyway. Please, don't make me do this, I begged. Don't make me live more lies....

He slept uneasy that night, even with his potion. I watched him sleep as I always had, pained by the fact that I could never have him. I would have to love him from afar, like the rest of the world, assuming he lived long enough.

I knew he was close to the edge, and I was probably the only one--besides Granger anyway--who knew. I knew that if Voldemort didn't kill him first, he'd die of his own power. I knew all this by watching him as he went about his daily activities, and (mostly) as he slept. Somehow, it made me love him more.

That love made me cry. I could never have him. I could never be with him. I could never, in a million years, drag up the courage to defy my parents or to tell him how I felt for him.

"I know you're watching me," he said without opening his eyes.

I stayed silent, wanting him to think I was asleep.

He opened his eyes before I could even pretend to be asleep. "Why?" he asked.

"Reasons I cannot even begin to explain," I answered.

"I want answers, Draco," Harry said, sitting. "I need answers."

"And I need to sleep," I said lying down and closing my eyes.

After a while, when I was nearly asleep and he knew it, he whispered seven words: I need you to keep me alive.

I opened my eyes and rolled over to look at him. He appeared asleep, but I knew he wasn't.

I sat up, causing him to open his eyes. "What did you say?" I whispered.

"Nothing," he answered.

"Don't you dare put your life on my shoulders, Harry."

"So you did hear me."

"Of course I heard you," I spat. "And I need you to take it back."

"Why?"

"I already told you, I'm engaged. See this finger?" I asked holding up my left ring finger. "It'll have a ring on it someday, and it'll be hers. Once that happens, I'm in for life. I'll have no choice. I--"

"I don't care about your engagement, Draco, that's not going to happen for a while. I need you now."

"I can't," I insisted. "I just can't."

"You can't marry her either, I know that."

"I'm trying here," I said. "I'm trying to get out of it."

"How hard are you trying?"

"As hard as I possibly can."

"Is that so?" Harry asked, disbelieving. "Because I doubt it."

"Now is not the time for a fight, Harry," I said getting up.

I walked into the bathroom and shut the door. I sat down on the floor across from it and wanted Harry here, but I didn't want to see him at all right now.

The door opened, however, and Harry entered. I saw his silhouette against the moon in the window behind him as he walked closer. He knelt down in front of me and brought his face close to mine.

I could breathe with him this close. My heart thundered in my chest as he came closer and closer. I was reminded of yesterday morning (it was after midnight, I was sure of it) when we almost kissed. Would this be a repeat? Or would the act be completed?

His lips were almost upon mine when I came to my senses and turned my head before they landed. I felt the tears burn at my eyes when I felt him sigh in frustration. Then, out of nowhere, he had my chin between his fingers and his lips on mine.

I shoved him off balance and glared at him. "How many times do I have to say no, Potter?" I demanded. "How many bloody times do I have to tell you I'm engaged and can't?"

"As many as it takes for me to believe you," he answered coldly. Blaise was right; he did feel the same. That's how I'd react if our position had been reversed.

"I don't want you to believe me, damnit!" I yelled. "I want them to let me be who I am! Who they know I am!"

"That doesn't change the fact that you're not fighting very hard."

"Because I know it's useless. It seems to be a family trait, actually, homosexuality. The eldest son of the eldest son--the one to carry the name--is almost always gay. My father is, my grandfather was, as was his father before him. And yet, they all marry women they don't love. Do you understand how fucked up my family is yet?" I asked. "We don't get choices, as Malfoys. They're made for us. And divorce is out of the question. Only in a fairy tale could a Malfoy divorce his wife for the man he loves."

"What about the wife divorcing the man?" Harry asked. "Or is that outlawed as well?"

A proposition I had not thought of before. "I don't know," I answered. As far as I knew, the woman was never the one to leave the Malfoy. They were always there for the money and security only the name could provide.

Harry held out his hand. "No one has to know," he pleaded. "No one, not even Ron or Hermione."

"I want to," I said for the first time to him. "I want to more than anything, Harry, but I can't."

"Why?" he asked. "You can't sit there and tell me what you just did and expect me to believe your parents are happily married."

"They are though," I answered. "They're happy with their various love affairs and they're still married."

"Don't be a smartass," he said. I could hear the smile in his voice. "Please?" he asked then, more serous than before.

I sighed. How long could I say no?

"Draco?"

At least once more. "No," I answered, standing. "Not yet."