Rating:
PG-13
House:
The Dark Arts
Ships:
Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter Harry Potter/Severus Snape
Characters:
Draco Malfoy Harry Potter Severus Snape
Genres:
Angst Slash
Era:
Harry and Classmates Post-Hogwarts
Stats:
Published: 02/11/2006
Updated: 02/11/2006
Words: 4,798
Chapters: 1
Hits: 2,011

We Cannot Be

Airiel

Story Summary:
For years he said that they should not be. Now he's forced to accept that they cannot be.

Chapter 01

Posted:
02/11/2006
Hits:
2,011


We Cannot Be

5.19.05

Call me a bitter ex; I don't care. Hell, after him, who wouldn't be? He can melt the coldest of hearts with that smile, he can see right through any mask with those eyes, he can do anything...including make someone like me fall in love.

It never should have happened, after all, I am old enough to be his father, and after the hell I put him through in class...how did he ever forgive me? I wouldn't have done it.

I can still remember that day as though it happened only yesterday.

I had been a wreck. The Dark Lord had suspected me of betrayal and punished me for false information. I had made it back to Headquarters barely alive. Harry had found me.

He took me up to his room and then tried to get help, but I wouldn't let him--I'm far too stubborn for my own good, as I am so often told. So he stayed, and he helped me, and in my spur-of-the-moment stupidity (yes, even I am capable of it) I told him I was grateful to him. A look had crossed his features that seemed somewhere between hope and longing and I had realized my mistake. It was then that I realized what the son of my greatest rival had felt, and for the first time in my life, I didn't know what to do.

What had started that night should never have been allowed to go as far as it had.

I should have never....

I think that was what had made me end it, not yet a month ago. I told him it shouldn't have...I said it was over, that we were done....

And now they are together.

Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy.

They're so...perfect together. I can't stand looking at them. Whenever they enter the room, I suddenly have a reason to leave. I'll use any excuse I possibly can. I've used everything from a potion to the Dark Mark, though I'm sure everyone saw through that lie. I haven't been a Death Eater since that night....

Seeing them...that's when I feel I should not have left him. Apparently I have this insanely jealous side I didn't know I possessed. That side of me wants me to be the cause of some "accident" that takes Draco's life or something. Who would have thought that I would one day be jealous of my godson?

I don't understand how Harry could have moved on so fast. After what we had...that was five years of our lives that I tossed out the bloody window! And for what? For my peace of mind? To ease the feeling of This-Should-Not-Be? To watch him move on as though nothing had happened? Merlin, I wish...I wish I had never fallen in love with him....

If wishes were hippogriffs, I'd have more than my share.

\ \ \

I threw myself into my relationship with Draco. We'd been friends the entire time I was with Sev. I talked to him about everything and all he ever did was listen. He was the only one who didn't look at us and say dear God, what are you thinking? or Snape? Harry he's old enough to be your father! I guess I needed that.

And I suppose that's why I ran to him when Sev did finally leave me. He'd always had problems with our relationship. He always said that it shouldn't have even begun, that I shouldn't stay, that he shouldn't have let me kiss him that night. Finally he said it was over and I could do nothing to stop him, and Merlin, did I try....

Now I agree with him. Before I had always talked him out of what he was trying to talk me into. I used to tell him that age didn't matter--it was just a number, that I didn't care who or what he was or had been, I loved him regardless of his past....

He asked me how I could forgive him of what he had done to me those seven years of Hogwarts. I told him that it was easy because I had done it years before....

He leaves the room every time I enter. I wonder if he knows that I've noticed. I wish he wouldn't...I'd give anything just to spend one second with him again. I just want to talk to him, to see how he's doing and I can't bring myself to ask anyone else.

To tell the truth, I don't even want to be with Draco. I want Sev. All I've ever wanted was Severus. I want him back so much that it kills me....

/ / /

"Hey everyone," Harry called as he entered the room, his hand in Draco's. I wanted to leave, my body screamed at me for two things. One, not running over to him and pulling him into my arms, and two, for not being able to either leave or complete impulse number one.

All I wanted in that moment was to escape him, but there was no way I could. Not minutes before an Order meeting.

Merlin, why was I being subject to such torture?

I tried to make my escape the second the meeting was done, but there was someone preventing me from doing so.

"You're not escaping this time," Draco said, blocking my way out.

"Move," I ordered coldly. I wanted nothing to do with him, not now that he's got my Harry.

"He's still in love with you, you know," Draco informed me. "For the life of me I can't figure out why--you've never been very supportive of your own relationship with him. I'm tired of seeing him mope around, of walking in on him in tears, of not being able to talk to him like I used to. It's all your fault, and if you don't fix this soon, I'm going to make you."

He left me then, to return to Harry. I watched him go, left to stare after him like an idiot. I didn't care about looking like an idiot anymore. I was a fool, and the world should know it. I let the best thing to ever happen to me go as though it were something I could easily find again.

Draco said something to Harry and Harry looked up at me. For the first time since I left him, my eyes met his. His eyes were shinning, probably with tears, and they looked straight into me.

Finally I couldn't stand the feeling of being scrutinized any longer. I broke the gaze and turned to leave.

"Severus, wait!" Harry called as I reached the front door.

I froze with my hand on the doorknob. I hadn't heard him say my name in ages....

I felt his arms wrap around me.

"I don't care," he said with a shaking voice. "I don't care if it shouldn't have happened, the point is that it did. You can't hide from me, you know," he said, "I can see that you're as torn up as I am. Give me another chance," he whispered, his mouth right next to my ear. "Please, Merlin, give me another chance..." he whispered, burying his face in the crook of my neck.

I felt a tear fall down my cheek. The sniffle that escaped me of its own accord was a foreign sound to me.

Of course Harry would notice immediately.

"Sev?" he asked.

Finally, I released my death-grip on the doorknob and turned around. Harry reached up to wipe that stray tear away.

"I love you."

It took me a second to realize that the words had been mine.

His body shook slightly, to no surprise. I had never, in all our five years, said those three words. Words that I have known could mean the difference between life and death. Words that he has needed to hear his entire life.

I wrapped my arms around him and held him close. I looked up and saw Draco standing in the doorway. He nodded once, then returned to the others.

"I was wrong," I said softly.

"About?" Harry asked, his voice muffled slightly by my robes.

"Everything," I confessed, letting him go.

"Wha--" he asked as I pushed him away.

"I was wrong to have let you have your way. I was wrong to have let it go so far. I was wrong, Harry, and I'm doing the right thing now to make up for all of it."

"No," he said, ready to completely lose it on me. "No, Sev, don't do this to me again. God, please don't do this to me again."

"Harry, listen to me," I ordered, my voice growing hoarse with emotion. "We can not do this!"

"Yes we can!" Harry nearly screamed. "Sev, we can! We've done it for five years! Doesn't any of that mean anything to you?"

A sound of exasperation escaped me. "Of course it does," I said harshly. "This can't happen again, Harry," I said, gripping his shoulders.

What happened next happened so fast I didn't realize what had happened at first. Harry had reached up and placed his hand at the back of my neck and pulled me to him. I didn't realize what had happened until I was kissing him back.

I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't deny us any longer. I really don't know why I was saying no in the first place, but I knew I couldn't say no anymore.

Next, I learned that you should never stand in front of the main door to a building, especially when that building is the one where all the planning for the war goes on.

The door was opened so violently that it knocked both Harry and I down. We were too stunned to realize what was going on until I found myself being pulled up off of him and shoved into a wall.

"I told you to stay away from him!" Black yelled in my face.

"Have you ever stopped to ask him what he wants?" I asked calmly in return, seeing Lupin help Harry up out of the corner of my eye.

"Who would want the likes of you?" Black demanded coldly.

"I do," Harry yelled. Lupin walked off in the direction of the meeting room.

"Harry you've gone mad," Black said as he let me go. I straightened out my robes as the confrontation between the two of them began.

I always enjoyed seeing Black be told off by his own godson.

"If your father were still alive, he'd--"

"Well he's not!" Harry yelled. "And you haven't been for ten bloody years! What makes you think you've got the right to come in and control me now?" he demanded. "Go have a son of your own if you need to be a father so badly."

"Harry he's old enough to be your father--"

"Well he's not," Harry spat. "Thank Merlin. My father treated him like shit, just like you did. He's not my father, he's better than that."

\ \ \

Sirius looked at me as though I had physically hit him. I didn't care, I was seeing red. I reached around him and grabbed Severus by the arm. "Leave us alone," I ordered, my voice low and cold. I opened the door and we left.

"He was the reason you left in the first place, wasn't he?" I asked as we walked off of the property.

Sev stayed quiet as we walked hand-in-hand.

"Why?" I asked, stopping and turning to face him. "Don't you understand? I need you."

He shook his head slightly. "No you don't," he said softly. "I'm no good to the Order anymore. I've never been all that good with a wand, so I'm not even that good in battle. I'm a risk, Harry, why can't you see that?"

I shook my head. "You're not a risk," I said. "You never have been. Sev, I really do need you. I can't do this on my own."

He looked at me confused. "You've been doing everything on your own," he said softly. "You've done so much on your own because you won't risk losing anyone."

But I wasn't talking about the war.

"This isn't something with the war," I said, trying to get him to understand. "This is different. I can't do this alone."

"What can't you do?" he demanded, frustrated that I haven't spelled it out for him.

"THIS!" I yelled, taking his hand and placing it on my stomach.

His confusion melted away as he realized what I was saying. "That's not possible," he said quickly, refusing to believe me. "You know that I can't!"

"I know," I said, desperate to keep him calm. "Don't you think I know? But think," I requested. "If I have the power to vanquish Voldemort, wouldn't I have the power to break one of his spells?"

Severus shook his head in disbelief. "But..." he said, clearly confused. "It's not...you...you can't...not in a war.... Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I didn't know until after you left," I said softly. "I couldn't tell you before because you wouldn't have anything to do with me. I couldn't tell you in a letter because I love you too much to do that to you, you deserve more than that. And I couldn't not tell you."

"That lunatic of a godfather you've got is going to kill me for this," he said pulling me into his arms. I laughed. He wasn't leaving!

"He doesn't have to know," I said.

"If you hide this from him, he really will kill me."

I sighed. He was right. Sirius wasn't likely to take this well, no matter how he found out, but it was better if I told him.

The cell phone in my pocket vibrated before it beeped loudly. Severus jumped, still not used to the damn thing. He was close before he left, but I'm sure it would take some time before he was where he had been. He pulled away from me so I could answer it.

"Where are you?" Draco's voice demanded.

"I'm with Sev," I answered. "Why?"

"Get back to HQ now," he nearly yelled. "Something's happened, you need to hear what Black and Lupin have got to say."

"Right," I said. "Give us a minute and we'll be there."

"You're not Apparating, are you?' he asked. "The Medi-Wizards said--"

"We're just down the street," I interrupted. "And don't tell me what those lunatics said, I know what I can and cannot do." I hung up the phone and put it back in my pocket. "Come on," I sighed. "We need to go back to Headquarters. Draco says that Sirius and Remus have some interesting information."

"Draco huh?" Sev asked. "What's the story between you two now?"

"Just friends," I answered, leading the way. "It would have been that way no matter what, we're really not couple material. He's the only other person who knows about the baby."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I went running to him when you left. I was sick for...well, actually, I'm still plagued with morning sickness...anyway, he talked me into going to St. Mungo's. He went with me."

"Really?" Sev asked. I could tell that there was something bothering him about Draco and I.

"Everything was strictly platonic," I said as we reached the front lawn to the Headquarters. "I just wanted you to know that."

/ / /

"Everything was strictly platonic."

That was a relief. I could sleep knowing that.

Black was waiting for us when we walked through the door.

"May I speak with you, Harry?" he asked.

Harry shook his head. "I don't think that's a good idea," he said. "Besides, whatever you've got to say, you can say in front of Sev."

Black's face hardened. "You're giving up on this are you?" he asked.

"Sirius, I'm almost thirty years old," he said. "I think I can chose what I want to do with my life.

"But--"

"No," Harry said strongly. "You'll just have to get used to it. It's not ending, Sirius, and there's nothing you can do about it."

"I thought I heard you," Draco said, joining us in the hall. He looked between Harry and I. "Have you told him?" he asked. Harry nodded. "Good," Draco said. "Well come on, you need to hear this."

"So he's discovered Lucius?" I asked. "That's two o f us in five years."

"That means we've got another spy," Harry said softly.

"What should we do?" Granger asked. "Question everyone again?"

Harry shook his head. "No, we could scare the spy away."

"Maybe we should start with Snivellus?" Black spat.

Harry's glass of water exploded and everyone jumped (Granger screamed) except for Harry who stared at Black with a cold fury in his eyes.

"I told you," he said in a deadly calm voice, "to get a grip and grow up. Sev is no more a Death Eater than you or I. In case you didn't notice, the last Death Eater meeting he attended, he nearly died at."

"You haven't spoken to him in a month, Harry," Black said. "How do you know he's not a liar?"

"I think I know the father of my own child!" Harry shouted, standing and slamming his fists on the table.

Everyone in the room stared; even Dung in the corner started and quit pretending to be asleep. They all stared at Harry, whose face began to redden as he realized just what he had done when he lost control

"I think it's time we left, Harry," I said, standing. I placed a hand on his shoulder. This seemed to wake Black from his stupor.

"What did you say?" he asked weakly.

Harry closed his eyes and sat back down. "I'm pregnant," he said hoarsely.

Lupin began to shake his head slowly. "But...aren't you sterile, Severus? Isn't that what Poppy said when you finally let us take you?"

I nodded. "I was," I said. "Two months ago I was tested and, as it turns out, the spell reversed itself."

"This can't be happening," Black said slowly, holding his head in his hands.

Harry opened his eyes. "Now will you give him a chance?" he asked. "Will you stop being so judgmental?"

Black sighed heavily. "We'll see," he said. That was the most I'd ever gotten from him. All other attempts by others to force us into a less hostile relationship had only resulted in further hostility. Even Dumbledore couldn't force us to reconcile.

In a very uncharacteristic move on my part, I ran my hand through Harry's hair. "Come on," I said with a softness I'm positive no one in the room had heard come from me (except Harry of course). "Let's go. The best thing right now is separation until the news sinks in."

I think.

Harry nodded, but made no move to get up.

"Harry?" I urged.

Harry looked up and met Black's eyes. "I didn't want to tell you this way," he said, seeming to forget the others in the room. "Not like this."

Black nodded. "I know," he said. This must be the "fatherly" side of him I've only heard about and will never truly know. This is the side that Harry has always known, the side that cause the most pain when it had been lost. This was the reason James Potter had trusted Black beyond death. This was the reason he was intended to be their Secret Keeper.

They had changed because of a spy....

Harry had changed the Order's Secret Keeper for that very reason....

I looked around the room quickly and saw no sign of my own godson.

"Where's Draco?" I demanded, an urgency filling my voice that hadn't been there since Harry had last been in serious danger.

"Why?" Granger asked. "What's wrong?"

"I think I know who our spy is."

"What?" Harry demanded, sitting up straighter and turning to face me. He looked horrified.

\ \ \

"What makes you think that?" I asked.

"Your parents changed Secret Keepers because they knew that there was a spy," Sev reminded me. "You've been requesting a new Secret Keeper every month to keep it ambiguous and less likely that one specific person will be targeted. Only you and Dumbledore know who the Keeper is, except this time. Remember?" he asked. "You asked me for an idea. I suggested Draco because you trusted him enough to tell him everything. You trusted him as you do me. Everything, Harry. Everything."

"But--why?" I asked, standing. The very thought that Draco could--I couldn't believe it, Sev just had to be wrong.

"Harry, you know Draco is like a nephew to me--Lucius is practically my brother. And Harry, don't forget, the last spy to grace us with his presence was Ron. He turned me in, remember?"

He was right. Merlin, he was right....

"FUCK!" I screamed, slamming my fist onto the table, completely forgetting that there was still shattered glass everywhere. "Shit," I hissed, pulling my hand quickly back with a piece of glass in my palm. Severus immediately took my hand. I gasped when he pulled the shard out, but stayed relatively calm, all things considered.

"How could I have let my guard down?" I asked, leaning into him. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, filling my lungs with the smell of him.

"You've been vulnerable, Harry," Hermione answered, even though the question wasn't directed at her. "We've all seen it. When you and Severus broke up, you heart was a bit more on your sleeve than normal."

Severus wrapped his arms around me, very uncharacteristically, at least in public. Nevertheless, I forced myself to relax into him, letting the smell of him comfort me.

"Can we go home now?" I asked, my voice loud enough for only Severus to hear. He chuckled and said, "sure."

I pulled away from him and Hermione held out her hand.

"What?" I asked.

"Your hand," she ordered.

I held out my hand and she cast a quick healing charm on it. "Now go home," she ordered as I flexed my fingers in attempt to bring the feeling back to my hand.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Sirius asked. "What if something happens? As of yet, we have no idea where Draco is or what he could be doing. There could be an attack anywhere at any time."

"Something can happen here too," I reminded him. "Draco is the Order's Secret Keeper after all. There really is no safe place any more."

"I'd feel better if you stayed here tonight," Sirius said. "Both of you."

That was the most I had ever heard him say in regards to an attempt at mending the relationship with Severus.

I looked up at Severus. Would your first night be spent under my godfather's roof, or would we decline the offer?

"You stay," he said. "I'll be fine at home."

I shook my head. "I'm not staying if you're not."

"Harry, if something does happen, I can't protect you."

"Are you implying I can't take care of myself?" I demanded.

"That's not what I meant," he said defensively.

"If I'm staying, you're staying."

"Harry, is thi--"

BANG!

/ / /

That was the front door.

The others stood as we heard shouts and crashes from above.

"What's going on?" Hermione asked.

"We're under attack," Harry answered quietly. "Hermione!" he said suddenly.

"I'm on it," she said, going through the back door of the kitchen.

Harry pulled out his wand and walked quickly to the main door.

"Stupify," he whispered. We heard a body fall.

There was a crack from behind us. Black, Lupin, Mundungus Fletcher, and I all turned, ready to attack, but stopped upon seeing Lucius.

"My son?" he asked. "My son is behind this?"

Harry shut the door and turned. "Yes," he answered. "We've got company."

Granger returned with nearly half of the Order behind her.

"Okay," Harry said going into his role as Leader. "Two groups. One come in from outside, the rest follow me."

"No," I said, surprising myself. I wasn't losing my lover or my child.

"Severus, now is not the time for this. I don't have a choice. This ends tonight."

How much ends?

I sighed and nodded. He was right. But that didn't mean that I was about to leave his side.

He held us up through one of the secret passageways to the main level of the house. We could hear the Death Eaters destroying things as we moved. Finally we came to the exit.

"Thomas hasn't returned yet, my Lord," someone was saying.

"Really?" the unmistakable voice of the Dark Lord hissed boredly. "Hmm. Too bad. Has the whole house been searched?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"We haven't found anyone."

"Find them. I want Potter's dead body to hang from the top of Diagon Alley for the world to see, and I want to hang it tonight. I also have some unsettled business with your father and Potter's whore."

My eyes narrowed on the wall in front of us. We would not be so easily taken by a ferret and a snake.

I looked up at Lucius and saw my feelings reflected in his features. That was his son, who had taken his place as Voldemort's right hand, and, like me, he was ready for blood.

"Harry?" I asked in a whisper.

"Not yet," he answered.

A door slammed open.

"M-my--my Lord!" someone gasped. "We're under attack!"

"What?" the Dark Lord hissed.

"Now," Harry said opening the exit. We charged.

"VOLDEMORT!" Harry yelled.

The Dark Lord turned as Draco and the other Death Eater ran for the door.

"Avada Kedavra!" Lucius shouted, his wand pointed to his one and only heir.

Draco fell.

"Fool," Voldemort chuckled. "He never was as good as you, Lucius. Or you, Severus. But you have both disappointed me. You, Severus, have become Potter's whore. How I missed your betrayal for as long as I did, I will never know.

"Enough," Harry growled. "Don't you think you've done enough? You've killed, you've corrupted, you've gone to great lengths to destroy that which does not bow to you. I have had enough."

Voldemort chuckled. He continued to chuckle until it became a full, bellowing, sadistic, cold laugh. I nearly winced at the sound of it.

Suddenly it stopped, and Voldemort looked at through eyes so dark and red that they looked nearly black.

Evil personified. Thank Merlin I got out when I did.

"There's one thing you've never understood, Voldemort, and that's love. You've despised it because of your childhood, because of what your father did to your mother, because your mother died.

"Do you realize how alike we are?" Harry asked. "Both of us lost our parents and were raised by Muggles who hated us. You took the easy way out, Tom. Now you've been consumed by your madness. There is no humanity left in you, that's why the Killing Curse won't work on you. There's nothing left to kill.

"But I know how to defeat you."

The Dark Lord laughed again. "You can't stop me," he hissed.

"Severus?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry."

I felt a surge of panic hit me like a wave. "What?" I asked.

Harry closed his eyes and placed his palm over his stomach. "Vita," he whispered. "Vita," he said more strongly. "Vita Moris."*

A dark light (yes, light) erupted from the Dark Lord and a white light shot out of Harry's stomach.

The Dark Lord let out a high-pitched scream as his light became white.

Harry cried out and dropped to his knees, holding his hands over his abdomen.

That was when I knew. We had lost the baby. And if we didn't act, we would soon lose Harry as well.

The explosion was what brought me back to the present. The Dark Lord's screams intensified and he exploded. Harry had done it. Harry had defeated what the most powerful could not.

But at the cost of one completely innocent life.

Lucius pulled me back just before the explosion hit me.

The sudden silence was deafening.

I scrambled back to Harry, praying that he was still alive.

"Harry?" I asked, brushing the hair away from his eyes. They fluttered open and stared, unseeing, at the ceiling.

"S-Severus?" Harry whispered.

"I'm here," I said, feeling tears burn at my eyes.

"I love you."

His eyes closed and his head rolled to the side. His body was completely relaxed. I reached for his hand and held his limp fingers tightly.

I buried my face in the front of his robes and let myself go. I sobbed, for the first time since childhood.

I had always said that this should not be. Now I am forced to accept that it cannot be.

End

5.19.05