I Love You, Severus

I Love you, Severus

5.12.05

No one ever really expects these things to happen. Most of the time no one sees it coming because they've refused to see the signs. I thought it was obvious, what I was. I really didn't think that they would all care that much.

It all came out because Hermione and I were fighting. What got everyone's attention was that it was us fighting, not her and Ron.

She had been making passes at me all day, something that wasn't normal Hermione behavior, so my guess is that it's because of a dare, or she's just trying to get Ron to leave her alone. Either way, she got tired of my lack of response and decided to confront me about it.

"Why are you ignoring me?" she demanded.

"I'm not ignoring you," I muttered, distracted by something.

"Yes you are," she said firmly. "I've been trying to get your attention for days and you keep brushing me off. Why?"

"My not being interested in your passes means I'm ignoring you?" I asked, giving her my full attention.

"Oh, so you have noticed then?" she asked.

"Hermione, look around you," I said. "Who hasn't?"

"Am I doing something wrong then?" she asked. I shook my head. "What is it then?" she demanded. "Why won't you look twice at me?"

You have to look once in order to look twice. I haven't looked the first time at Hermione, but I wasn't about to let her know that. Especially not with every resident of Grimmauld Place staring at us without even pretending not to eavesdrop.

I sighed, now or never....

"I'm gay," I said softly.

Everyone gaped at us, waiting to see what Hermione would say.

"Oh," she said simply. "Well then...that makes sense."

"It does?" Tonks demanded from her seat a few chairs to my left.

"Well, yes," Hermione answered. "I mean, I had my suspicions, after all, Harry hasn't even really looked at a girl since Cho Chang, so it made me wonder.... It really does make sense," she said again. "When you stop and consider the facts."

"You can stop now," I said, avoiding Ron's gaze.

"Why didn't you ever say anything before?" he demanded.

"No one asked," I answered. I know, easy way out of revealing the truth, but I really didn't know how to tell them!

"Next thing you know, you'll be telling us that you're in love with Malfoy," he muttered.

"Well, now that you mention it," I said slowly.

"WHAT?" Ron yelled.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm kidding, Ron!" I nearly yelled.

Hermione giggled--a very disturbing sound if you ask me.

"What?" Ron and I asked.

"I know whom Harry likes," she said mischievously.

"Who?" damn near everyone in the room demanded, even Dung over in the corner.

I left before I, or anyone else, made a fool of me.

Professor Snape was walking into the building as I was heading for the stairs. I nodded briefly before running up the stairs.

An hour later there was a knock on the door.

"You ran off," he said walking into my room.

I nodded. "Yeah...everyone...everyone knows now," I said softly. "That I'm gay..."

"Is that so?" he asked, shutting the door to my bedroom.

I nodded as he turned towards me. Merlin, that man is so beautiful....

So beautiful I can't help but stare.

His movements flow from one to the next; his eyes are so dark and deep that they can read a person like a book, and I'm not talking about Legilemency; his skin is so smooth, his hair is so silky....

I should stop before I get...

He looked me over, his eyebrows rising slightly when his gaze lowered. He walked over to me and placed a hand over my hardness. I gasped slightly and he kissed me.

When we were done, he would leave, that's the way it is. Not only because his presence would become suspicious, but because he had work to do, either as a spy or as a teacher.

As always, I would lay alone for hours afterward and replay the night in my head. He was always so...gentile, so loving, so...so intimate.... It was like nothing you would expect him to be, that was certain.

There was a knock on the door. I pulled on my boxers and a tee shirt before I opened the door to see Hermione standing there.

"Can I come in?" she asked. I opened the door further so she could walk in.

She crinkled her nose. "It smells like...sex in here," she observed.

I chuckled nervously, then threw open the windows.

"Listen, Harry, she said, sitting down at the desk in my room, "I'm sorry about dinner, but...Ron, Ginny and I...well, we just had to know."

"And you couldn't have just asked me about it away from the rest of the Order, why?" I asked.

"I don't know," she sighed. "Ginny gave me a look at dinner, I guess she was just tired of waiting for the answer. You know, it really smells awful in here, Harry," she said, covering her nose with her hand.

"There's not much I can do about it, Hermione," I said rather shortly.

"So when did you and Snape start shagging each other?" she asked bluntly.

I stared at her in shock. "How the bloody hell did you know it was him?" I demanded.

"Same way I knew Remus was a werewolf," she answered. "Well, sort of." I gave her a doubtful look. "Okay, okay," she sighed. "Whenever Snape is here, neither one of you are to be found. No one ever sees Snape leave, but there are times when he stops by the kitchen to grab something to eat before he takes off. That's usually hours after we're all sure he's gone. Then, once he has left, you show up. Both of you smell a lot like this room, and neither one of you stick around for long. Besides, you both surface with a few hickkies."

I reached up to my neck and winced when I pressed down on a tender spot. I stared at her, stunned.

"Relax," she said, "no one else knows, and I won't say a word."

"So how long have you known?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"A while," she said. "Now back to my first question. How long?"

"Two years," I mumbled. If she could see that we were together, she might as well get the facts.

"Two years?" she asked, shocked. "Harry, that's...that's..."

"Don't say it," I ordered. "You don't know him."

"Is his hair really as greasy as it looks?" she asked quickly, seemingly unable to stop herself.

"Hermione!" I gaped. She giggled again. "No," I answered. "In fact, it's not greasy at all."

"It's not?" she asked.

I shook my head. "It's very silky..." I said, slowly, remembering the feel of his hair between my fingers.

"So how did this all start?" she asked.

I sighed, remembering.

Flash Back

"Potter," Snape said quickly, "stay after, we have something to discuss."

I inwardly groaned. The time between now and dinner was usually spent getting rid of a slight problem this class tends to cause. Merlin, staying after was going to kill me.

"Come here," Professor Snape said once the last student had left the room.

"I'd rather not, sir," I confessed, feeling very, very uncomfortable.

"And why is that?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. I felt my stomach tie up in knots.

"Err...because...because...because I..."

"Because you're..." he left the sentence open for me to finish. I shifted in my seat and he chuckled. The sound was deep, resonant, seductive. It only caused more problems for me.

"Of course," he said in a low voice. "You have a slight problem, don't you?" he asked. I tried hard not to blush, but my face grew hot, so I knew I failed.

He walked up to the table I was sitting at and sat down on the edge of it. "You are of age now, Potter," he said softly. This new side of Severus Snape was even more appealing than the one I had always known. He reached out and brushed the hair away from my scar. "We could do it, you know," he said softly, covering my scar back up. "I know you want to."

"Why?" I started to ask. There were so many endings to that question. Why was he acting like this; why was he taking such an interest in me; why did he want me?

"Because you're not the only one who wants it," he answered. "And you really have no idea how good you look."

He reached for my hand with one of his while his other opened his robes to reveal a pair of black slacks with a very distinct bulge at his groin.

He brought my hands to the waist of his pants. "If you want it," he said.

I looked up at him uncertain. Could I get expelled for this? Surely he could lose his job....

But the pounding in my chest and the throbbing in my groin pushed all thought out of my mind, and I undid his pants.

"Very good," he said, bringing one of my hands up to his mouth. He sucked on each of my fingers one-by-one, causing the need for release to intensify.

I couldn't stop the moan that escaped me.

That was when he stopped. "Stand up," he ordered softly. I complied and he pushed my robes off of my shoulders.

That was when we kissed for the first time. His lips were so soft, and the kiss was so gentile.... His tongue was like velvet as it explored my mouth and sent fire though my veins.

My shirt was the next to go. He ran his hands all over my chest, memorizing, as he would later say.

End

"Does it hurt?" she asked. "The first time?"

I laughed. "It was...well, it was like nothing I had ever felt before. And yes," I said. "It hurt."

"Does it hurt every time or just the first time?" she asked.

I stared at her in shock. "What are you so interested for?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I don't know, because I've never had the chance to talk to anyone like this before," she said. "So?" she asked. "Does it?"

"That depends on how often you do it," I answered. "As of right now, no."

"Huh," she said thoughtfully. "Just like a girl then..."

"What?" I asked. After not having any sexual interest in women since I was fifteen, I had no idea what she was talking about.

She laughed at the look I gave her. "You are definitely gay, Harry," she said.

I laughed. "It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out."

"So that day you and Snape...got together, was that the reason he held you back?" she asked. "Just for sex?"

I was surprised by her bluntness. "No," I answered. "Actually, Sev never intended for any of this to happen, though neither of us are complaining. Actually, he wanted to talk to me about Occlumency."

"In seventh year?" she asked. "But I thought..."

"I never had it down," I confessed. "I didn't really trust Sev enough before we.... After that, however, I became a bit of a pro. He's teaching me Legilimens now."

"Legilimens?" she asked, sounding impressed.

"Yeah," I said, feeling my face go hot. It makes it easier for us to....

There was a knock on the door.

Confused, I got up to answer it. To my surprise, Severus was on the other side, and he didn't look good.

His knees gave way and I caught him just before he hit the floor. "Sev?" I asked, fear lacing my voice. Hermione rushed to help me get him to the bed.

"Sev?" I asked as Hermione shut the door. "Sev, what happened?" I asked holding his hand, my fingers lacing with his.

He blinked a few times, his eyes in and out of focus. He looked at Hermione then at me. "You told her," he said, his voice laced with pain.

"She already knew," I said, forcing a chuckle. "Smart one she is. Sev, what happened," I asked, my voice cracking.

"Dark Lord," he hissed. "Knows."

"Knows what?" I asked. "That you're a spy?" He nodded.

"Then that means...." Hermione whispered. There was no need for her to finish the sentence; we all knew where her thoughts had gone.

If Voldemort knew Severus was a spy, then that means he has one of his own in the order.

"Go alert Dumbledore," I ordered to Hermione. With a small crack, she was gone.

"Sev, what can I do?" I asked. "Do you need anything?"

"Go...go get Poppy."

"I don't want to leave you," I whispered.

"Harry," he said warningly. "Go. Now."

"I'll be back in just a moment," I promised. I kissed him, grateful that he kissed me back, and then I Disapparated. Why do I have the feeling he wont be there when I return?

I ran through Hogwarts to the infirmary. Pomfrey was nowhere to be seen.

I went running to Dumbledore's office to see Hermione exiting the spiral staircase.

"Harry?" she asked. "What are you doing here? Why aren't you with Snape?"

"Pomfrey?" I asked.

"I sent her to Grimmauld Place when I got here," she informed me.

Suddenly I knew why why Severus had sent me away. He would have known that Hermione would have sent Pomfrey out to Number 12.

I ran as fast as I could to where the Apparation blocks ended and Apparated to my bedroom.

Pomfrey was standing over Severus.

"Is he okay?" I asked timidly.

She turned and I got a clear view of my lover's face. His eyes, his beautiful black eyes stared, unseeing, towards the ceiling.

"He is..."

"Sev?" I asked, ready to panic.

"He's dead."

I shook my head frantically. "No," I whispered.

"He was dead when I arrived, Mr. Potter."

"NO!" I yelled. "He's not--he can't be--no!"

I dropped to my knees, sobbing.

I felt a small hand on my shoulder.

"What's wrong with him?" I heard Pomfrey ask.

"They...they were lovers," she said softly.

I heard footsteps and the sound of the door shutting. I looked up and crawled over to him. I held his hand, hoping that he would return the gesture.

"Harry, he's gone.

"He told me to go get her," I said through my tears. "He told me to go get Pomfrey."

"He didn't want you to see him die, Harry," she said softly, sitting on the floor next to me. She rubbed my back as I broke down in sobs again.

"I love you," I whispered through my tears. "I love you, Severus."

That was the first time I had ever said those words.

Airiel

5.12.05