Harry's Fight

Cool breeze and autumn leaves

Slow motion daylight

A lone pair of watchful eyes

Oversee the living

Feel the presence all around

A tortured soul

A wound unhealing

The past is gone

But you can still be free

If time will set you free

-Savage Garden (You Can Still Be Free)

Harry's Fight

Everything around me is bright and cheerful. The light flashes off of the Golden Snitch in my eye and the broom at my side begins to shake. I picked it up and smashed it against the tree on my left. If this is supposed to be Heaven, why isn't he here? Why are we stuck in Hell?

And how am I supposed to be happy surviving through eternity without him? How am I supposed to deal with the fact that God has decided that he didn't deserve a second chance? That this all-powerful being has decided that all suicides go to Hell.

It's been three months and I can't stop thinking about it. I tried to stop him, I really did. But he quit listening to me. He quit paying any attention to the forces trying to stop him from committing suicide. I almost hate him for it, but I love him and miss him too much to put any conviction behind the emotion. I hated him for too long to hate him throughout eternity as well.

I remember watching him as he cried out for me just before he did it.

"Bastard!" he shouted. "Why, Harry? Why?"

I shut my eyes against the pain, against the sound of his tortured voice. It came to me at all hours, haunting me as surly as I did him when he was alive, and possibly even now that he's dead and in Hell.

He's in Hell. It's the only thing I can think about. His tortured voice is all I can hear. His pain is all I can feel.

I remember when he told me that when I hurt, he hurt. I remember those months before I died.... I remember everything...

__Flash Back__

I felt the searing pain in my lungs as they constricted and I began coughing.

"Shit," I distantly heard Draco gasp as he scrambled to my aid. "Breathe," he begged almost panicking. "Breathe, love, come on, breathe."

I gasped and continued coughing. Draco quickly sat behind me and held my chest, hoping that the pressure would help. After three months it usually did, but not this time.

"Fuck," he whispered. "Harry, come on, you can get through this, come on, breathe!"

"Spell," I managed in the second before I coughed again.

Draco reached for his wand on the table next to us and nearly shouted the spell to help my lungs relax. I could feel it work almost instantly. Calming down, I noticed the taste of blood in my mouth. Draco began to shake and held me tighter; he was scared.

"Get better, Harry, don't leave me..."

I couldn't promise that. The Medi-wizards said this disease was fatal, especially for wizards. Unlike normal diseases, this one attached itself to the source of a person's magic. Even Muggles have magic. The source of Draco's hope came from the fact that the Medi-wizards said there was a possibility that I could survive long enough for the cure... the cure that didn't even exist yet.

The door opened and a house elf appeared. "Masters, Miss Hermione and Mr. Weasley are here to visit."

Draco stood and told the elf to let them in. He put his wand on the table as Hermione walked in.

"Hey, Harry, how are you?" I shook my head and lay back.

"He's just had a fit," Draco said. 'Fit' didn't seem to be the right word for it, but that was what we called them. And as a rule, I'm not supposed to talk for a wile after them, for fear of a relapse.

"Christ," Ron said closing the door. "Blood?" he asked. I nodded.

Draco swore. I looked up at him. "Y--"

"Don't you dare talk, Harry," he said. "You know better."

'You didn't ask,' I mouthed. He glared at me then walked to the window where only I could see him. Fuck, he was crying. 'Get back over here,' I ordered.

"Did you need the spell?" Hermione asked Draco, not looking at him. "Or were you able to calm it down without it?"

"No, we needed the spell," Draco said with a defeated tone. We try not to use it, it makes me rather lethargic for a few hours. "We couldn't get it under control...."

He turned and abruptly left us; he was visibly upset, but only to me. Ron and Hermione would only assume that he was leaving for us to have time to ourselves.

__End Flash Back__

I whipped the tears from my face. I walked over to the cabin that was given to me when I died that was supposed to be my home. I shut the door and looked around the empty room. In my mind I could see Draco sitting on the couch and turning to look at me. I could hear his voice saying: 'hi, hard day?'

I turned away from the living room and walked down the hall to my bedroom where I could see my frail body giving out and Draco breaking. I turned and ran from the cabin and looked up to the sky.

"WHY?" I shouted to it. "WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME?"

My surroundings changed and I appeared in front of an oak door. They have oak in Heaven? Guess I shouldn't be so surprised, anything can happen here. Well, almost anything.

I opened the door and walked in, not knowing what would be on the other side.

I saw an old man, very much like Dumbledore, sitting behind a claw-footed desk. "Sit," he said motioning to a chair in front the desk.

I sat and stared at the old man. What was I doing here?

"You asked why," he stated. "You asked why I took him away from you. You know that suicides go to Hell. Do you still ask why?"

"He doesn't deserve to go to Hell," I whispered. "He never did. He saved more lives than I can count--"

"Three hundred and fifty-seven, counting those he saved and the ones they saved, and you, but not those you saved."

"Three hundred and fifty-seven?" I asked in disbelief. "And you've condemned him to Hell?"

"Suicide."

"I don't care," I said bitterly. "You can't condemn a man to Hell for killing himself after he's done so much good. You can't do that!"

"You will find, that I can do whatever I want, and my law stays the same. Suicides go to Hell."

"Please, no. At least give me more time with him?"

"You had twenty-four hours with him."

"Twenty-four hours is supposed to last me through eternity? He's my soul-mate, for crying out loud!"

"Soul-mate?" God asked. "That's one I haven't heard before," he continued sarcastic. "Do you realize how many souls come here demanding to have their loved one released from Hell so that they can spend eternity with them? Most stop asking after a few years. They realize that the term 'Soul-mates' is one only used on earth by those looking for their 'One'. You will therefore please forgive me for not believing you and your convictions of love."

"Never," I answered in a loathing voice. "You will soon find that not all souls are alike, and I will not give in until I have him with me for the rest of eternity. Why will you not grant this simple request?"

"Because I can not go back on my word, for my word is infallible and all-powerful. Were I to grant your request, I would damn all for an eternity of nothingness. All would be lost and there would be no world, no souls, no angels, no god and most of all, no love. What you are asking for would bring about the end of everything."

"Then bring it on. I would rather not exist than not have him."

"What makes you so sure of that? What has he done to deserve your ultimate end?"

"How could you possibly understand? You are a god who sees fit to send any and all suicides to Hell regardless of what they have done with their lives. Why?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

"I killed. Why am I here?"

"You asked forgiveness just before you died."

"Not yours. His. I asked for Draco's forgiveness."

"Would you rather be in Hell?"

"It would be better than staying here. At least there I would be in the same dimension as he is."

"You would give up eternal happiness for eternal damnation?" he asked not understanding. "Explain that to me."

"He was my life, my only reason for living. He is my soul, my other half. I am nothing without him. Do you hear me? NOTHING! Absolutely, un-debatably nothing without him. He is what made me fight, he is what gave me strength to conquer Voldemort and save the world. Without him, I'd be in Hell anyway, dying because of suicide. Can you really condemn a man like that to an eternity of Hell knowing what would have happened if he had not been there for me, not done what he did in his lifetime?"

"He used to hate and torment you."

"I used to hate and torment him, doesn't mean people don't change."

"You really want him back?"

"I wont give up until I have him."

"Then this is a dance we shall repeat, for I am not willing to loose my universe because of the request of a soul who's mind and 'heart' will change in time."

"Same time tomorrow then," I said walking out of the door. There was no way I would win this fight today.

I didn't go to my cabin, I couldn't face that place again, not with what I saw earlier today. The sun was setting, casting everything in a red glow. Red.... That was the last color I saw....

__Flash Back__

It was the middle of the night; everything around me was black. Draco wasn't here; he'd gone into the kitchen for a cup of tea, and the promise he'd return shortly. I felt the familiar pain in my lungs as another "fit" came over me. This one would be the last one, I knew that instinctively.

I saw flashes of light with every excruciatingly painful cough. Damn Voldemort. Damn the bastard for this curse of sickness. I sat up, trying to get my lungs to open up, but knowing the whole time each effort was worthless. I was dying, not sometime down the road, but now. I was dying right now and he wasn't in here.

I wanted to scream for him, for the pain I was about to put us both through. If I could hold on just a little longer...the cure was almost finished! Snape promised Draco he would have it done before I died! I can't die now, I just can't.

My coughing worsened and I heard the thundering of Draco's footsteps as he rushed through the hall and slammed open the door.

"Harry, no!" he shouted. "Not now! Don't give in, love," he said as he rushed to his wand for the spell. He cast it once...twice...three times before my coughing stopped. I looked at my hands. Blood. More blood than had ever been there before. "Forgive me," I whispered as I fell back against the pillows seeing nothing but blackness all around me.

Forgive me love; I did not want to die.

__End Flash Back__

God took my asking forgiveness as though I asked it of him? How arrogant can a being get? I don't care if he is a god or that those words were my last, I care about Draco and the fact that he killed himself because of me. Merlin, if I could only turn back time....

If I could, I'd hold on, I wouldn't have died, I would have held on for the cure that was finished the day after my death. 24 more hours and I would have been cured. 24 more hours and we would both be alive today. I wish I could do it all over again.

The sun was gone now, leaving this supposed 'Heaven' shrouded in darkness. I wandered the woods so much like those of the Forbidden Forest at Hogwarts. I saw the stag wondering and knew my father had come to visit. He changed back and walked over to me.

"You fought with god?" he asked.

"I'm still fighting with him, and I will until the end of eternity unless he gives me what I want."

"And what is it that you want?"

"Draco."

James sighed. "Harry, you know this is wrong, you know you can't have him."

"Don't tell me that. I would rather be in Hell than live an eternity without him. Wait, I am in Hell. I am in Hell because he isn't here with me. How would you feel if God took you away from mom? How would you feel if you were told you had 24 hours to satisfy you for the rest of time?"

He closed his eyes and I knew he had seen my point. Now, would he help me? Would my father be the father he didn't get the chance to be in life and help me get the only one who ever mattered?

"I wish I could help you, son, but you're going against God's rules. To defy them would mean the end of time. You simply can't condemn the universe to total demise."

"Watch me," I said dangerously. "If I can't have him, the universe can go to oblivion and stay there. I don't care about the existence of anything without him. He was the one who saved the world from Voldemort, only because he saved me from my own suicide."

"You would have committed suicide?" he asked. "Are you sure you're my son?"

"Not if you won't help me."

"Harry, I can't help you win this war. Think of the rest of us; think of the souls on Earth. Think of the Universe. If God did grant you this one wish, we would be lost forever."

"Then be lost forever, maybe then I wouldn't have to suffer like I am."

I walked away, turning my back on the father that wasn't there for me, and wandered through the forest that brought back so many memories of life. If I could only live again....

Enough of the 'if onlys'. If I were meant to live long enough for that bloody cure, I would have. Obviously God has a sick and twisted sense of humor and wants us both to suffer.

He wouldn't be dead if it weren't for me. If I hadn't decided I was going to get the truth out of him, we would have never kissed, never become one, and he would still be alive. My only regret is that we never did get married. We were of course, waiting for me to get better, and for me to tell Ron and Hermione just who I was engaged to. It was interesting telling them and not saying who I would be marrying.

__Flash Back__

"Harry, wasn't there something you were going to say?" Draco asked slyly as Hermione and I stood to clear away the dinner dishes.

"Oh!" I said. "Right. Er...I'm engaged," I finished as I hurried to the kitchen.

"WHAT?" Ron and Hermione yelled following me.

"Who?" she asked as she set the plates she was holding down on the counter.

"You'll find out eventually."

"Harry, you can't get married without at least telling us who you're getting married to."

"Oh yes I can."

"Why won't you tell us?" Ron demanded.

"Because it's a surprise."

"Do we know her?"

"Does Draco?"

"Yes, Draco knows who I'm marrying. He was there when the proposal came up."

"Draco was there and we don't even know who she is?"

"It was a very interesting evening," Draco said walking into the kitchen. "I was a bit surprised myself."

"I'd say you were," I said remembering his reaction to my answer.

"Who is she, Draco?" Hermione demanded. "Do we know her?"

"Yeah," he answered ignoring the 'her' in the question. "You know who he's marrying. Have known for a while now. Since Hogwarts I'd say."

"Well, who is she?"

"That, my friends, is for Harry to divulge."
__End Flash Back__

And I never did. It took three years after I died for Ron and Hermione to find out who I was going to marry. Draco told them the day he died.

I was with him the entire time, knowing he was about to give up and stop listening to the forces trying to prevent him from killing himself. He told me he was sorry, before he slit his wrists. He made his way to the bathroom, with me holding him up so he would make it, then he fell, and all was lost. I left him in that instant to go to Hermione and make her realize something was wrong. She was the one who found Draco Malfoy dead in the bathroom. She had actually tried to heal him, not wanting to believe he was dead yet.

When I returned to the spirit world, they told me to go to a room between Heaven and Hell. This was where you were supposed to be greeted by loved ones after you died, but in our case, this room would be used to say goodbye. I tried to get them to take me instead, I could live through Hell as long as I knew he was safe, but they wouldn't take me. They insisted that Draco be the one to suffer, because of his suicide.

He wouldn't be there if I hadn't wanted to know the truth. If only I didn't have to know why he was such a Malfoy, he would still be alive.

I remember that night as clearly as Draco did when he was telling the story. Unlike him, I can go back to that night whenever I want and re-live the memory.

And like Draco, I re-live the bad memories as well.

I don't want to live in memories anymore; I want him. I want to create new memories, new feelings, a new life. I'm sick of having to survive the memories that leave me in agony for hours, sometimes days.

_ - ~*~ - _

It's that agony that keeps me fighting, five years after the fact. Every day I open that oak door and step inside, praying that this is the time that he cracks. Praying that this is the last time I have to beg, and plead, and try to make him see. He expected me to give up and quit asking a long time ago. He says no one has ever kept asking as long as I have, but he still doesn't believe me when I say that there is nothing worth living or surviving for without him. God still doesn't believe me when I say that we are meant to be together.

But I will never give up.

And that I exactly why I am standing in front of this oak door about to open it again.

"Five years, Harry, and you're still fighting," he said when I had sat down in the chair.

"Will you agree in another five?" I asked. "Or are we still dancing?"

"What about pausing the dance long enough to compromise on who is the lead?"

"What is your proposal?"

"Sending you back. Both of you. You both go back to the day you died and I let you live long enough for that cure. Neither of you will remember any of this, and you'll both live out your lives in happiness. That way when you die, you both get an eternity of happiness."

"Fine. Whatever, I don't care, I just want him back."

_ - ~ ' * ' ~ - _

It was the middle of the night; everything around me was black. Draco wasn't here; he'd gone into the kitchen for a cup of tea, and the promise he'd return shortly. I felt the familiar pain in my lungs as another "fit" came over me. This one would be the last one, I knew that instinctively.

I saw flashes of light with every excruciatingly painful cough. Damn Voldemort. Damn the bastard for this curse of sickness. I sat up, trying to get my lungs to open up, but knowing the whole time each effort was worthless.

I wanted to scream for him. But I couldn't stop coughing long enough to do so.

My coughing worsened and I heard the thundering of Draco's footsteps as he rushed through the hall and slammed open the door.

"Harry, no!" he shouted. "Not now! Don't give in, love," he said as he rushed to his wand for the spell. He cast it once...twice...three times before my coughing stopped. I looked up at him scared. Something was supposed to happen now that wasn't happening. What was it?

I lay back against the pillows and closed my eyes for a second. That was when I knew I wasn't going anywhere. 'I love you,' I mouthed, knowing now was not the time to talk. He kissed my forehead and looked at me oddly, as if he, too, knew this was not what was supposed to happen. "I love you too. Rest now."

I shook my head. I didn't want to rest, I didn't want to sleep, not when I felt like if I did, I wouldn't see him when I woke up.

"Why not?" he asked.

How was I supposed to tell him that I didn't want to sleep because I was afraid that Voldemort would really finish me off tonight? I stared into his eyes, hoping that the fear I felt would show through to him. He smiled slightly and sat down next to me.

"Everything will be alright, Harry," he said. "Snape says the potion will be done tomorrow, but you need to get some sleep."

I shook my head again. "I'm scared, Draco," I whispered, knowing full well that I shouldn't be speaking yet. I didn't care; I needed him to know that I didn't want him to leave me alone again. "Don't leave me alone."

He nodded. "Alright, love," he whispered. "But shouldn't you're fiancé be here instead?" he asked slyly. "If Hermione and Ron come by early tomorrow, they might be a bit put off by the fact that it's me with you, and not 'her'."

"Shut up, you are my fiancé, and if they come in, that's what I'll tell them."

"You will?"

I nodded. "No more secrets. Besides, they'll need to know who you are before we get married."

He chuckled and we kissed again. "If I stay, will you go to sleep?"

"Yeah."

It was the first night in months when he didn't sleep in a chair.