Draco's Prayer

Though we share this humble path, alone

How fragile is the heart

Oh give these clay feet wings to fly

To touch the face of the stars

Breathe life into this feeble heart

Lift this mortal veil of fear

Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears

We'll rise above these earthly cares

Cast your eyes on the ocean

Cast your soul to the sea

When the dark night seems endless

Please remember me

Please remember me.

-Loreena McKennitt (Dante's Prayer)

Draco's Prayer

He was my life, my soul, my reason for living. Now he's gone, stolen from me so unfairly. Not that death is ever fair, mind you, but he had just started to live. He had finally found something to live for, and his life was stolen.

He was my lover, not that anyone knew. We kept it quiet because of his fear that the Dark Lord might do something, or that even Ron and Hermione would abandon him. He was just about ready to tell them...now that the Dark Lord is gone and we didn't have to worry anymore.

He changed me in a way no one thought possible. When he said I had changed, that I wasn't the "slimy git" that I had always been known as between the three of them as. That touched me, the first time I heard him tell off Ron and Hermione for it. They didn't trust me, he did and he was hurt by their lack of it. He cried on my shoulder that night, something he didn't do no matter what. He always said it was a weakness, crying. I have to say that I used to agree with him. Not now, not anymore.

He loved to watch the sun set; he said he had always felt at peace at that time of the day. No matter what, when he saw that sunset, he was calm, cool, collected. Voldemort attacked at sunset...that was his biggest mistake.

But I don't like to think about the end, I'd much prefer to stay at the beginning where everything was nice and happy. Where we hadn't had a care in the world, at least not at that moment, there was always the one care.

I remember exactly the night my life changed for the Light. The night we found eachother, the real person behind our façade. I remember it like it was yesterday....

__Flash Back__

I'll never forgive that Potter. Stupid git made me come out into this freezing night air. It's fucking December! Who's going to be out here?

I shivered in my cloak. Even the fur wasn't enough to keep me warm on this damned night. It was an odd December. No snow, no storms. The sky was unbelievably clear and unbearably cold. Why did I have to come out here and check for students? Did he just love to punish me or something?

I shivered again and wrapped my cloak tighter around me and looked up. My favorite constellation, Orion, was directly above me; Orion The Hunter, with his bow and his belt that is so famous. Just like Potter and his scar. Merlin, would I ever be able to look at anything ever again without thinking of him? Green reminds me of his eyes, though nothing in this world would ever be able to match that shade of green. My own scars remind me of his. The only difference is that his are famous and mine aren't anywhere near my face. We can't be blemishing that surface you know. It's like fucking gold.

I heard footsteps behind me and I turned sharply to see Potter coming. Merlin, what does he want now?

"Are there any students up in the sky?" he asks oddly. He looked up to where my gaze had been. "Orion, huh?" he asked. "That one is my favorite. He's like a guardian for me. Always there when I need it to be...."

I wondered why he was sharing this information with me. What made him think that I would care?

"Why do you do it," he asked quietly, lowering his gaze to meet my own.

"Why do I do what, Potter?" I demanded.

"Say the things you say, fight with me, worship your father...."

He was so quiet I could barely hear him. There was something about that quietness that unnerved me. He wasn't asking me these questions, he was asking my soul. I couldn't lie, so I looked away. I was now so ashamed of my self and my behavior that I couldn't look into those stunning eyes and not be in someway affected. There would be no way for me to keep up my "Draco Malfoy, son of Lucius Malfoy and someday Death Eater" act. Yes, I did say act. That was not what I wanted, that was what my father wanted.

"Because that's the way I was raised, Potter," I said coldly regaining my composure. I was not going to let this miracle kid rule my emotions. "My father--"

"Enough with the 'my father' bullshit, Malfoy," he yelled startling me. "Give me a straight answer for once. Tell me something real."

I was speechless. If my father ever heard about that he'd beat me to within an inch of my life and leave me to die. Malfoys were never speechless. Ever.

I couldn't give him the real answer though. That would cost too much. That would take too much away from me and I need to keep that. I will not be laughed at because of the reason I taunt and tease the Golden Trio.

"Draco, answer me."

Merlin, he just said my name....

"Why do you care so much?" I asked, my voice shaking. No!

He looked at me so intensely I thought he could see right through to my soul. I felt naked, standing there in front of him like this. I kept pleading silently for him to look away when he finally stepped closer.

He was my exact height. He was level with me in every aspect of our builds. We were identical, except for the obvious differences. He was getting closer to me...my gaze dropped to his lips. I could feel his breath on my skin and I couldn't take it any longer.

Before he could bring his lips to mine, I had mine on his.

__End Flash Back__

Never before, and never again have I experienced a kiss quite like that. Every one of Harry's kisses were unique in only a way he was. Every time our lips met, it was a different sensation. But that first kiss between us, that one was the one I will always remember for the rest of my life. That was what made me decide I would stop acting and come out of my father's shadow. I needed to be my own person, and only Harry could make me realize that. I will always owe him, but I will never be able to pay him back. Not now...not now that he's gone....

I visit his grave often, his birthday, our anniversary, and the day we were supposed to be marrie;and every chance between. I can't leave him, I can't let him go, and I'm finding it hard to go on living. Something is stopping me from picking up the knife and joining him on the other side. And I want to. I want to so bad I can already see the blood on the knife, I can already feel the pain, I can already see my end. But I can't seem to get there. Something, or someone, is preventing me from doing it. Someone or something wants me here to stay, without him. I cant live this way. I can't hide any longer.

I Apparated to Hermione's apartment and knocked on the door urgently.

Be home, please, Merlin, be home...

I had to tell them, I had to let them know just how deeply Harry and I cared for eachother.

She answered the door almost immediately. She had a stunned look on her face as she stepped aside and let me in. Guess I look pretty horrible at the moment.

"Can I get you anything, Draco?" she asked as I took off my cloak. At least I remembered it this time.

"Do you know where Ron is?" I asked. "I have something that you both really should know. That Harry wanted you to know."

She looked at me as though I knew absolutely nothing about him that she did. Please, let her not freak out on me. I need her to stay in my life now. I need them like Harry needed them...before he died.

"Draco," she said in regards to my question. "It's eleven o'clock in the morning. Ron's at work."

Oh, right. I forgot about that. Ron's been working overtime lately for Fred and Gorge. Working over time to pay for the wedding with Luna.... How could I have forgotten? Which reminds me, that's another thing they don't know. They still don't know where the twins got that first sack of gold needed to start their business. I'll let them drop that bomb when they're ready.

I sighed and raked a hand through my hair. The baby fine strands fell into my eyes, but I made no effort to move them out of the way.

"What is it?" she asked seeing how distressed I was. I sighed again and flopped down on the couch.

"Harry had a secret, Hermione," I began. "One he kept from you and Ron. One he kept from the world because of the danger that put me into." I looked up into her golden eyes. "Do you remember when Harry broke the news he was engaged and you and Ron were outraged because you had never even heard of the person he was dating?"

Her eyes darkened and she nodded.

"Did you know you've met him?"

"Him?" she asked shocked. "Are you telling me that Harry was gay?"

"Indeed I am, Hermione," I answered sadly. "Indeed I am."

"Well who was he?" she demanded sitting as well. "Did he go to Hogwarts with us?"

"Yes."

"What House was he in? Gryffindor?"

"Not Gryffindor, no."

"Was it you?" she asked softly.

I closed my eyes against the tears and nodded. "Me," I choked. "He was engaged to me and he wanted to tell you who I was, but the fear of Voldemort was too strong for him. He was afraid I would become even more of a target....

"He used to cry at night, Hermione, about how scared he was for all of us. He never once was afraid for himself; he said we all were enough so he didn't need to be. He didn't want anyone else to get hurt, especially after your parents died. Do you know how heartbreaking it is to see him cry?"

She shook her head. "He would never cry when we were around."

"He hated crying when I was there. He said it made him weak. I told him to shut up and that he wasn't weak. He was the strongest person I knew. He had to be, to put up with me. I had to be hell for him."

"You weren't. He would always tell us about you, without giving away anything. I always wondered. I went through every girl I have ever known, and most that I had seen on a somewhat regular basis, but none of them fit what Harry was telling us. I never thought to think he could be gay though. He hid it so well. He even went on dates with Ron and Luna and he always showed with a girl on his arm."

"Co-workers," I informed her. "He took them out to dinner on those nights and then came home to me. He always hated it, having to parade around as someone he wasn't. I had to listen to his ranting and raving until he finally calmed down enough to ask 'so, how was your night?'"

"When was he going to tell us?"

"He was talking himself into it when he died. I had to talk myself into telling you all as well. I guess his fear rubbed off on me a bit."

"Fear? What fear?"

"He was afraid you two would turn out to be raging homophobes and turn your backs on us. That was one of the thoughts running through my head just a minute ago."

"Why would you even think that?" she demanded standing. "Why would you even doubt us like that? I'll admit, on the outside, Ron does act a bit homophobic, but he's really not. Look at Ginny!" She demanded. "Look at who she married. We've been around gays before, Draco, how could you even think we would abandon you?"

"Like you said, look at Ginny," I said sadly. "Look at how well Ron took Ginny's relationship with Lavender. Ron didn't talk to her for a month. That is what scared Harry so much. He was afraid that if Ron couldn't handle his own sister being gay, he wouldn't be able to handle Harry being gay as well. He thought that since he wasn't family, Ron would quit talking to him all together. Harry couldn't loose either of you. That is why he was wrestling so hard with himself to tell you.

"Now me, on the other hand, I didn't think you two would mind, but like I said. Some of Harry's fear rubbed off on me. He couldn't loose any of us. You were his conscience, Hermione; Ron was his best friend slash brother, and I, I was his life. He couldn't live without us, yet..." the words trailed off. I couldn't say he was dead again today. I might not say it for a week now. I just cant except that he wont be there in the morning, even though it's been three years.

"He died with us," she finished for me. "Draco, if I had known...."

"But you didn't," I said fighting tears again. "You didn't know and neither did anyone else."

She looked at me with nothing but sadness in her eyes. She stood and walked over to me and pulled me into a hug. "We're here for you, Draco," she said in my ear. "You're not alone anymore."

But I was alone. I couldn't be any more alone than I was now. Sure, she knew, and she'd stay, but Harry's not here. I let myself go. I let myself cry on Hermione's shoulder. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I couldn't see them still cry and me not being able because I "didn't know Harry like they did". And that's right, I didn't, but I knew him better, I knew him in a way only I could know him. I had my own tears that needed to be shed, and I couldn't keep myself from doing anymore.

There was a knock on the door just before it opened.

"Hermione, do--"

It was Ron. He was obviously shocked at my sitting in Hermione's living room and crying on her shoulder. I couldn't see him, but I could easily picture his shocked face in my mind and in any other circumstance, I would have laughed. I pulled away from Hermione and looked up at the stunned redhead.

"Draco, what?"

"Harry had a secret, Ron," Hermione said. "A secret we would have never guessed."

"What is it?"

"You--"

"I'll tell him, Hermione," I interrupted. I needed to, if only because it was my secret as well. "Ron, Harry was gay," I said trying to stop crying. Ron dropped the bag he was holding. Shocked? Most definitely. "You remember when he said he was engaged?" I asked. He nodded mutely, still totally bewildered. "He was engaged to me."

"Y-you too?" he asked weakly. "You're gay too?"

I nodded.

He sat down cross-legged on the floor. "But you two hated eachother. How? Harry wasn't gay; he went with me on double dates! With girls!"

"Did you ever notice that he only took friends from work? Or that it was a different girl each time? Did you ever notice how you had to beg him to go with you?" Ron nodded again. "Would you like to know what happened when he left early every time?"

__Flash Back__

The door slammed shut and Harry muttered a curse as I turned in my chair to look at him. He looked angry, like he always did when he came home on nights like this. Ron had asked him for an hour straight if he would go on a double date with him and Luna. Harry, as usual, reluctantly agreed. And no doubt hated every minute of it too.

He went with his partner from work tonight, Angelica, I think. I don't pay much attention to these things. When I do, it makes him thing I'm offended by these stupid dates.

"That's it," he said angrily. "I'm not going on one more date with those two and a girl again!"

"Why do you let it bug you so me?" I asked quietly as he sat down next to me. I wrapped my arm around him and he leaned into me.

"I feel like I'm betraying you," he revealed softly. "I hate it that you're not there with me. I'm going to tell them," he said suddenly standing.

I looked up at him concerned. "You sure?" I asked.

"I thought you wanted them to know."

"I do. But I don't want you to loose them, like you're afraid you will."

"If I loose them, it will only save their lives in the end."

"Would you quit talking like that?" I asked slightly angry. "We won't die because of you. I swear to you, you will not loose us like that."

"You don't know that though."

I stood and cupped his face in my hands. "Yes I do, love. You need to stop being afraid like this. Nothing is going to happen to us because we love you. If anything were to happen to us, it would be because he is an asshole, and he doesn't like anyone who doesn't like him. And you know that my betrayal makes me a high target anyway. Not you."

"Only because no one knows about us."

"Because you're afraid," I said quietly kissing his forehead lightly. I had just missed his scar, which was a really good thing; he usually got upset about it. He sighed and wrapped his arms around my waist and I held him closer. "Calm down, love. Everything will be fine."

His chest expanded as he breathed deeply. "I love you," he said quietly.

__End Flash Back__

I had told the both of them the story as I had seen it in my mind. Leaving out a bit here and there, of course. They didn't need to know every detail. I cried as they questioned me over and over about why we never said anything. They began to demand answers, asking their questions harshly and rapidly. I would barely answer one question before another would be asked.

"How long were you together?" Hermione demanded again. I had refused to answer this question four times already; maybe it was time to answer now.

"If he were still alive, ten years tomorrow," I answered.

"T-ten?" Hermione asked shocked. "How is that possible?"

"We began dating in Seventh year."

They demanded to know the story. They demanded to know what it was that had changed to unite us. I started at the very beginning: that day in Madam Milkin's.

"When I met Harry for the first time," I explained, "I didn't have a clue as to who he was. Growing up as a wizard, like you, Ron, only with parents like mine, I knew his story and I had been taught to hate him more than Dumbledore. I had been taught that anyone who was against Voldemort was against me as well. That's why I was so rude to you all. I had been taught to hate you.

"Harry refused my hand in friendship. Even then, I wanted to be my own person, not the Death Eater my father wanted me to be. Harry had power, he was a good person, and he was everything I've always wanted. But I had screwed that up when I insulted Hagrid. He didn't want anything to do with me.

"And as the years went by, as I watched all of you go from one dangerous victory to another, I fell in love with Harry. That's why I started to be ruder, more hateful. Harry cornered me in seventh year, that December night when he sent me out on the grounds to look for students. He asked me why. I told him only half. I wasn't about to tell the man I had feelings for him when I had absolutely no idea how he would react, and I wasn't about to become the school joke.

"I don't know how it happened in reality, one moment we were fighting, the next...."

"You didn't kiss, did you?" Ron asked slightly disgusted. My only response was to smile slightly and not say a word. They don't really need to know.

But talking about these things made me cry again. I had a steady stream of tears coming out of my eyes and running down my cheeks. They were hot when they were on my face, but the wetness they left behind was cold. It was like my life. First everything was cold and dry, and then with Harry in it, everything became warm and happy. Now, with Harry gone, stolen away from me, only the cold remnants are left behind....

I left them, soon after that, I didn't really want the questions to continue. I had Apparated the flat Harry and I had brought to life. It felt like no one lived here now. It was cold and stony, yet there weren't any stones anywhere. There was carpet and wood and it looked inviting, until you stepped inside and felt how I had turned this place of warmth and comfort into a place of sorrow and despair. Harry would have been outraged at me for being like this. He would hate for me to be so depressed all of the time. But I can't help it; he was my life, my soul, and my reason for living. Now that he's gone, what do I have to live for? For what reason should I live?

I tossed my cloak onto the couch and went to the kitchen. A cold plate of last night's dinner lay on the counter. I hadn't eaten more than three bites. I haven't had an appetite since Harry. I haven't done anything since Harry.

I picked up the frosted glass by the plate and stared at it. It had been a present of Harry's, for our anniversary about five years ago, when we had moved in here.

__Flash Back__

We had no furniture, no dishes and no food. What we did have was an empty two-bed room flat with a kitchen, a bathroom, and a living room. And eachother of course. Harry had Apparated to the Three Broomsticks and bought us some food. He had just come back and we had spread out a blanket in the middle of the livingroom floor. We sat down, the food between us, and began eating the extremely odd buffet of food.

"Harry," I asked when he had set it all out. "Could you pick an odder choice of a menu?"

"Possibly," he answered. There was chicken, hamburgers, soup, fruit, candies, and a million other things that do not belong together. I picked up a grape and looked at it before playfully throwing it at Harry. I hit his cheek and fell to the floor. He looked down, picked it up, and tossed it back....

We didn't eat much of the food that night; we kept fighting with it. I would toss a bit; he would toss more. The livingroom was a disaster by the time we had finished and there was no food to be eaten.

"Potter, look at this mess!" I joked. "Clean it up."

He looked at me with his eyebrows raised. "I didn't make this mess, Malfoy, you did."

"I did not!" I was trying so hard not to burst out in laughter, but I was having a very hard time of it. Finally, it was just too much. I burst out into laughter and Harry joined me.

Something in the air had changed then, with the both of us laughing. We stopped and stared at eachother in silence, only the sound of our quick breathing could be heard. I was lost in his eyes, which at the moment were almost black with desire.

__End Flash Back__

I threw the glass against the wall and watched it shatter against the cupboards. The glass sparkled in the light from the bulb in the ceiling socket.

"Bastard!" I shouted. "Why, Harry? Why?" I sank to my knees sobbing. I can't take this anymore. I can't take this torture that has become my life. The words of a poem my mother wrote came back to haunt me....

A year and a day has passed

Is it over at last?

This hell I've been through

It can't be true

Time Passes

Missed Chances

Depression Prevails.

I stood up and walked across the room to the drawer with all of our sharp knives. I opened it up and took out a small knife, but it was also the sharpest knife.

"Harry, I'm sorry," I whispered and I pierced the flesh of my wrist with it. I gasped in the pain and watched the dark red liquid bead up and spill over to the side. I heard the drop hit my shoe and I pulled the knife up my arm. My arm was numb now, as I transferred the knife from my clean hand to my bloody one. I repeated the process and let the knife drop to the floor. I was starting to feel light headed. I made my way to the bathroom on unsteady feet and glanced at my reflection in the mirror. I don't remember what I saw; I fell down and was gone....

~'*'~'*'~'*'~'*'~

I opened my eyes. I didn't have a clue where I was or how I'd gotten here, but I was lying in a bed and a pair of green eyes watched me closely. I was groggy and in pain, but I sat up and stared at those eyes.

"Why?" he asked.

"Why what?"

"Why did you do it?"

"Did it work?"

A pair of eyelids with an abundant amount of lush lashes closed over that lush green. "Yes," he whispered. "You're dead."

"Then what does it matter?" I asked. "Why do you care so much?"

"Because I love you," he shouted standing. His lengthy profile cowered over me as I sat in the wide bed. He walked over to it and dropped to his knees. "Draco, why? You lasted three years without me, you even told Ron and Hermione what had existed between us, so why did you leave them behind? They need you as much as you needed them."

"And I needed you more!" I shouted back. "You were my only reason for living Harry. You were my life, my soul. You died and left me empty. I had nothing and no one and I couldn't even mourn you. I couldn't cry when I saw Ron and Hermione crying. I couldn't cry by myself, because then the tears wouldn't come. How can you have expected me to be all right without you? You, who was the only good thing in my life?"

Harry hung his head. "I couldn't, I didn't. I was hoping you wouldn't do this though." He looked back up and met my eyes. "Why?"

I gave him the same answer that I gave him ten years ago. I kissed him. And then I started to cry. Something in me knew that I would not spend eternity with him. Something in me knew that this was the reason he tried to stop me from suicide so many times.

"I'm sorry, love," he said through his own tears. "We can't stay here, and we can't come back. They'll give us twenty-four hours, but that's it. After that, you're the one who will be stolen away from me."

We spent those last twenty-four hours together in a way we hadn't before. Everything was different now, everything was perfect. Every touch was whisper soft, every word was full of love, every sigh a new feeling. I hated when they came to take me away. I cried, screamed and yelled for them to reconsider. I shouted one last "I love you" to Harry and disappeared. This was hell. I was trapped in darkness with only my despair and anguish to haunt me.

He was my life, my soul, my reason for living....