For Whatever It's Worth

How did this happen? I don't know. You'd think I'd know, wouldn't you? You'd think I'd know why I've got another guy - another guy who happens to be a Slytherin and my junior by a year or maybe two or even three - in bed with me. You'd think I'd know.

WELL, I DON'T! Put yourself in my shoes. One day, you wake up and discover you're bisexual. After spending your entire damn LIFE thinking you were entirely straight, you wake up and realize Hey, I'm attracted to another boy! Blaise Zabini is sexy. How would you feel?

I should calm down. I mean...I'm a Ravenclaw, a seventh-year Ravenclaw who's going to graduate in a matter of months. And I'm panicking like a little kid. But what would you do? What would you do? Put yourself in my place. You'd panic, too, wouldn't you? I bet you sure as hell would.

God, I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to fall in love with him. I didn't ask to wake up next to him three days a week. I most certainly didn't ask for an unconventional sexual preference.

Can you really call it "preference?" I mean, I like girls and guys. So that means I don't have any sexual preference. I like everything. At least I think I do. I mean, I must like girls. There was that whole thing with Fleur.

But she was a veela...well, part veela, anyway.

Still. I don't think she would have had any affect on me if I was entirely gay. But I don't know. For a Ravenclaw, I don't know much.

But I know how I feel about Blaise, for whatever that's worth. I know I like waking up next to him. I know I like the way he sighs or pouts or...acts like a girl sometimes. I can't believe I didn't realize before that he was gay. But I mean, not all effeminate men are gay. Some are just wimpy. And Blaise can be very macho sometimes. Very manly.

He wears makeup sometimes. Black makeup. For shock value. He's strange like that. I don't care. He doesn't wear women's clothes, though...at least, I don't think he does. Oh God, what if he's keeping something from me?

Yeah, sure, and it would matter? A little thing like that? After...all THIS? All we've already been through?

I can still remember the first time he hit on me. I liked it. A lot. Too much. It hit me like a ton of bricks: Roger, you like another boy! God. I thought you took a long time figuring that stuff out. I took two seconds.

No wonder I'm so fucked up. I didn't get any TIME to get used to my own sexuality.

Or hell, maybe I'm straight. Maybe this is a "one-time thing." I've actually heard of straight people who have affairs with people of their own gender. Just once.

But this doesn't feel like an affair. A fling. It feels like so much fucking more.

It's how Quidditch Seekers must feel when they're chasing that Snitch. It's how Aurors must feel when they're hunting down Death Eaters. It's how Dementors must feel when...

Oh, God. That's morbid. But it's kind of like that. And making love to him is...in some ways, even more fulfilling than heterosexual sex. No, I never slept with Fleur. But I've...tasted womankind before her, if you must know.

Blaise is different. In a good way. It's an adrenaline rush. Not the kind that makes you scared, though. The kind that penetrates you, eats you alive, until you're reborn with it as a part of you. I know that sounds bad. I know that doesn't make any sense. But it's all I can come up with.

I like to watch Blaise sleep. His chest rises and falls and he just looks so...peaceful. Like an angel. I mean, he's the only person I know who actually looks innocent when he sleeps. Most people just look asleep.

For what it's worth, though, Blaise isn't like anyone else. Maybe that's why.